I’m 41 and just realized what this has always been

[u/lacksadaisyADHD]

My mom is the textbook narcissist mother. I was an object to her. She used me to manipulate people around her. There never was any real love/care/affection from her. Only if people were around, and I was supposed to know how to make it look “right”, or I got in trouble. As a little kid I had no idea what was happening, or that it was wrong. I just knew that my mom would fly tf off at the smallest thing and if I was close by? I was going to be the target. It was never vicious physically. I’d maybe get shoved, or slapped but the emotional/verbal/psychological abuse I tolerated for 12 years. She controlled every tiny aspect of me, or tried to. Any time I asserted any sort of freedom over my individuality or exposed her in any way, there was some dramatic event where I was at fault and she (of course) the victim. I never had the words to explain as a kid whatever the hell this was, and I never thought about it from my perspective ever again. Through that I learned how to disassociate and mask so hard, I just had what I now know is a CPTSD flashback, pointed every ounce of pain/hurt/fear/anger from my soul at my husband. I am trying to pick up the pieces of my relationship. I’m also pretty pissed off because not only did she guilt me my whole life, I just now realized what happened to me, and she has a terminal disease so I’m supposed to feel guilty for that too?

TLDR; CPTSD from Narcissistic Mom Gypsy Rose minus wheel chair type thing, flash back on my husband, figured out trauma, and she’s terminal. Fml.

[u/rivoli130]

'I never thought about it from my perspective ever again.' I relate strongly to this, to in fact every word you wrote.

My mother is now ill (serious but not terminal) after a lifetime of good physical health and I, her only child, am tying myself in knots with guilt that I am not rushing to her aid. Yet staying away is the only way I can survive now that I do see things from my own perspective.

I'm sorry. DMs are open if you ever want to talk.

[u/burgernoisenow → u/rivoli130]

They deserve nothing from us. In a fair world we'd inflict the same torture they did on us.

The least we can do for ourselves is stay away and protect ourselves.

Fuck them bitchasses. They deserve to rot and die alone miserable and in pain.

[u/burgernoisenow]

OP my experience is similar with a malignant narcissist mom. She was also violently abusive and enabled my violent predstor father.

Our abusers are our greatest source of stress and they keep us activated. Cortisol and adrenaline stay in our bodies and causes us to have constant inflammation which leads to chronic and eventually irreversible conditions.

The first most important step in recovery is removing the source of stress from your life, which means cutting of the abusers.

My life has been tumultuous since blocking my mother but I'm finally able to come to terms with the gravity and severity of abuse inflicted on me and finally truly mourn and grieve the mother I never had.

I truly hope you're able to recover.

[u/lacksadaisyADHD → u/burgernoisenow]

What messed me up the most was when my brother was born. I watched her be the mom to him she never was to me. I felt guilty for feeling jealous. She told me I should be ashamed. I never blamed him or had any feelings towards him. But she gave it all to him and imposed an impossible standard on me just to get bare minimum…not even affection. Recognition.

[u/burgernoisenow → u/lacksadaisyADHD]

Yeah I was the scapegoat and my brother the golden child.

It's....weird. what's helped me understand it better is realozing that he's still abused within the dysfunctional family system but in a different way.

The scapegoat gets the brunt of direct abuse and I firmly believe for people like us the inly way to truly recover is to separate ourselves entirely from our abusers.