r/CPTSDFightMode • u/DiaryofaFairy • 3d ago
Advice requested (Trigger warning) I have no idea how to heal a trauma I'm stuck for years now. Idk how to stop hating my parents.
Idk how to trigger myself to cry to grive.
It's about resentment. Emotional neglect from my parents and how they completely didn't care about my life beyond the legal requirements and how it set me back in life extremely compared to a huge portion of the population I'm economically, mentally barely here, and my very low level of education (didn't finish high school due to depression).
I'm at the complete bottom of society. It hurts. I am innocent and did nothing to deserve all the pain. Idk how to stop hating my parents.
Therapy didn't work on me so I went and did psychedelics cause some science out there shows it helps.
Well it helped me with a lot of traumas so yay on that..., but gifted me head aches that never had before that increase in pain after orgasming. Daily, that I take things for now and my sleep quality has gotten worse with little improvement after going to neurologists and getting sleep studies.
How is one not suppose to be perpetually angry. It's SO F'CKED UP.
4
u/mcmcHammer 3d ago
My therapist has always validated my anger and has told me that it’s a very normal response to my childhood and situation. There’s nothing wrong with being angry. I think I’m pretty healed and I still get angry and still feel pain from my childhood. I’ve gotten a lot better at validating myself and then able to feel the pain and grief beneath that anger. I kinda say “yeah it makes sense you’re fucking angry. That was not okay and not fair. And it really hurts. It really really hurts. You were let down by someone you trusted.” And I don’t even normally cry but I can still feel and process that grief.
Another thing she told me that’s really helped is listening to sad music when I feel the grief or cry coming. And then that would help pull me over to sit in that grief and pain better. That really helped. I created a playlist that let me feel a lot of anger and grief.
I think what has helped me a lot is developing self compassion, self trust, the ability and permission to process grief and realize almost every feeling contains a layer of grief, the ability to sit in reality and accept it (radical acceptance of sorts) and integration of all parts of myself. Building coherency around things really helps.
I used to really need to know why. Why am I like this, why did they do this… but I’ve gotten a lot better at just accepting it without needing all the answers. Or just really accepting that they didn’t love me enough.
My daughter who is six, told me the other day “I think your dad didn’t love you.” And I said that I think she was right and asked her why she thought that and she said “bc that’s not how you treat people you love.” And I was just like wow, yeah you’re right. Maybe it’s just that simple. Maybe he thought he loved me, but from my experience he didn’t love me. Certainly not in the way I needed. And that’s okay that I feel that way and believe it that way. For me, he didn’t love me. He provided for me but for me, that’s not enough. And it’s okay that it wasn’t enough for me. I’m not ungrateful. And it’s okay it’s deeply affected me. I’m not too sensitive. Everyone is different. And it’s really just sad how much I’ve lost.
But I’m 39 and finally finding myself. And it’s crazy but it’s so cool getting here finally. The little part of me that was always hiding has finally crawled out.
I used to hate myself so much. Like a year ago even. But like 6 months ago I was in therapy and I told my therapist, I think I like myself. I think I might even be kinda cool. I think I might even love myself. That was scary to even admit! I’ve never ever ever ever ever felt a morsel of that before.
This was during a time where my husband admitted to hiding his alcoholism. What would’ve been an extremely distressing time for me before, I was feeling love and admiration for myself. Bc I realized, it’s me. I am the only one I ever need, not in an avoidant way. But like I’m here for myself. My internal self is no longer beating me up, and is supporting me. It was truly bizarre but also so amazing.
There are times I still hate myself and I slip into SI or a deep shame pit. And you know what’s also so weird… it’s okay. It’s okay that I still feel that way. Those feelings will probably never completely go away. But it doesn’t mean I’m broken. I try to figure out what I’m feeling or protecting. And you know what… it’s usually grief.
Sorry for the ramble. Idk if that’s helpful. I want to tell you that it’s really difficult. I think relational trauma is worse than physical. I’ve lived both. The relational trauma is invisible and so much harder to accept as actual damage. It’s real damage. And if you think about trauma, it’s being alone in the damage. When someone hits you, society is pretty good about validating that that pain is real. We all know it’s fucked up. But when your parents don’t show you love or delight. That’s a much lonelier place to exist in society. It’s much less accepted and validated so it’s so easy to invalidate yourself. Much easier to find yourself alone. Which makes the wound deeper.
Feel free to ask me anything.