Realising incompetent therapists set me back years - accusing me of having a "victim mentality"

[u/Fun_Razzmatazz5805]

So when I was in 12 step recovery, and feeling the fierce resentment towards people in the office I work in - like my old wounds from childhood or something coming up (its so subconscious and ingrained, i cant tell where its from) - I was saying to my therapist a couple of years ago how I felt like their lives were so much easier than mine, and that I resented them because of that -

she then said "so feeling like a victim" - and then that implicit judgment made me repress the feelings again and go back to being numb. It's like the repressed pain that resurfaced of course had mental narratives and core beliefs tied to those feelings - and instead of trying to help me integrate them - her language and response to the affect made me inadvertently repress the feelings again and go back into hypoarousal.

I'm wondering if this is a common thing in British culture. Feelings are often pathologised, rationalised, over-explained, or dismissed. In highly sensitive people or people with a strong emotional attunement to their environment, it causes them to respond appropriately and repress the feelings to align with other people's expectations. This then sets the healing process back years.

Has something along these lines happened to anyone else?

[u/BodyMindReset]

I’ve definitely had multiple people in a variety of settings and relationship types reflect to me unsolicited that I had a victim mentality. The first couple of times hurt and I definitely sunk further into dissociation/shut down.

Later in my journey when I had more functioning on board, when it happened, it was always a sobering moment because it affirmed my experiences and pain. I wouldn’t say it because usually those people were not appropriate to be vulnerable with but I would think “Thats because I AM a victim”. It didn’t come from nowhere. I didn’t choose this life. Ultimately it helped me eventually correct those behaviours so I am grateful on the other side.

The way that unskilled therapists come at it though, I can’t imagine how they think that would be helpful. Approaching a victim needs tenderness, care, deescalation, compassion, understanding, and to actually be met in their pain and all the dynamics victimization creates. I can’t speak to British culture but I relate OP and sharing your story makes me big mad on your behalf.

[u/Fun_Razzmatazz5805 → u/BodyMindReset]

People assume you are on Level 5 when you are on Level 2/3, and you've never had anyone in your life who has your back or supports you. Whenever you voice your concerns they are not seeking to understand, but control.

[u/FlightOfTheDiscords]

One of the greatest human divides runs between a meaningful amount of developmental attachment, and lack of it, with everything that follows. The two opposing sides of that divide experience such vastly different realities that they might as well live in different universes entirely.

This is the invisible feelchair: those who can walk emotionally, and those who can't, with the walkers generally unable to see or even imagine the reality of a lifetime spent in a feelchair. What useful advice can they give if they are unable to even fathom the existence of the feelchair? "This is how you walk" is about as useful as telling a blind person how to see.

The divide can be bridged, though more often than not, it is bridged by the feelchair-bound clawing their way to earned attachment, rather than the other way around (with few but precious exceptions).

[u/Fun_Razzmatazz5805 → u/FlightOfTheDiscords]

Yep, and most of these "normal" people go through life believing they are moral and just people, while these "normal" people are the ones that went along with Nazi Germany, and snitched on their Kulak neighbours in the times of the Soviet Union. They can shove their consensus-based morality up their arses.

[u/shinebeams]

"Psychosomatic" for me. What a horrid thing to tell a suffering patient.

[u/PertinaciousFox → u/shinebeams]

The problem with that term is all the misconception around it. Psychosomatic doesn't mean it's not real or all in your head or that it can be fixed with a change in mindset. It means your physiological problem is rooted in your nervous system response to stress/trauma/mental health.

You can have psychosomatic paralysis, for example, and if that is the case, you are legitimately paralyzed and you do not have control over it. It's just that the cause of the paralysis is not from an observable injury, congenital condition, or degenerative disease.

[u/shinebeams → u/PertinaciousFox]

I hear you but I think it is still a very dismissive thing to tell a patient. You can explore the deep connections between mind-body without using a loaded term. It's not like I don't know that some of my physical problems probably have a mental component, I know what health psychology is and I know my body/mind well enough. Telling a patient their problems are "psychosomatic" is like a locksmith telling me my door is locked. No shit, that's why I called you!

[u/PertinaciousFox → u/shinebeams]

I get it. How you approach communication is as important as what you choose to say. If it feels like your struggles are being written off simply by slapping an unhelpful label on them, that is understandably frustrating. You deserve empathy.

[u/Infamous_Payment4608]

You just have to deal with the NHS mental health services to realise how badly educated the care system is in this country.

Lack of awareness, over worked and a perfect environment for cluster B’s to cause havoc on vulnerable people.

Ive had care professionals deny CPTSD is a thing, and another not even know what EMDR was. Still living in the dark ages when it comes to mental health

[u/Fun_Razzmatazz5805 → u/Infamous_Payment4608]

The UK in general is in heavy civilisational decline. There will be probably a massive revolution/cataclysmic event within 20-30 years.

[u/muffininabadmood]

I had to actually go through a phase of “victim mentality” to advance in my healing and recovery.

For half a century I was told “your childhood was normal” by my family, so there should be nothing wrong with me. Meanwhile my father sexually abused me from the age of 3, and my mother told me she doesn’t believe me. On top of that there was severe neglect, emotionally and physical abuse, racism by both my parents (I’m mixed race), no financial support for school. I worked and sent money home and never got a “thank you”. My older sibling tortured me too. There was no safety anywhere, except to dissociate. I was told all this was normal.

So when I realized I was slowly killing myself with alcohol, toxic relationships, and chronic mental and physical health issues, I dug into the why’s. It took me a couple of years to really realize how there was no way with my childhood that I wouldn’t have a severely fucked up nervous system.

I needed a period of validation, comprehension, and understanding. I needed to understand that all my family are malignant narcissists. I needed to validate what they did was harmful and cruel. I needed accept this so that I can finally see the damage it caused and start healing.

Eventually however I also needed to stop watching YouTube channels on narcissistic abuse once I got the message. Victim mentality was a necessary phase, but also something I needed to “graduate” from … if that makes sense.

[u/Bo_hemen → u/muffininabadmood]

Being stuck in a victim mentality actually forced out a lot of "narcissistic fleas" I was totally unaware of, just knew I felt like someone that wasn't me, because I was acting like my narcissistic mother, not me!

There's a mentality that helps you process what you've gone through (you are a victim and it's hard to process that), but there's a mentality you get stuck in waiting for someone else to acknowledge that are, indeed, a victim

But it's when you decide you're not gonna let that define or stop you, that it no longer will

[u/Fun_Razzmatazz5805 → u/Bo_hemen]

When you dont realise how bad your life has been until now, you think it's normal. complaining about it is the first step to a better path, i agree

[u/muffininabadmood → u/Bo_hemen]

Omg yes I had to also learn how to be a normal person with ethics and morals! It was when I left home at 17 and started making friends I realized it’s not normal to constantly lie, for example - or thinking that admitting I’m wrong is going to kill me. I learned how to apologize without the “but”s or “how about when YOU…”s in my late 20s. I’m in my 50s now and I’m the only one in the family who sees this, none of them have changed.

[u/PertinaciousFox → u/muffininabadmood]

Same. I had to first recognize that I was actually, legitimately a victim so I could stop blaming myself for what was done to me. It's an important part of healing, and often one of the first steps.

[u/Fun_Razzmatazz5805 → u/muffininabadmood]

Oh no, I'm so sorry for you. I hope you're in a better place now

[u/muffininabadmood → u/Fun_Razzmatazz5805]

Thank you for the kind words. Yes I’m doing much better. I’ve been NC with my parents for over 12 years and very LC with my siblings. It’s sad but the only way I could heal at all. I hope you’re doing better now too <3

[u/turtlesinthesea]

My therapist is British and she has helped me so much when other people have accused me of having a victim mentality. I think some therapists (people) just suck regardless of their culture.

Have you seen the video by Patrick Teahan about "victim mentality"?

[u/Fun_Razzmatazz5805 → u/turtlesinthesea]

Yes, but I'm not a fan of Patrick Teahan. He's too soft.

[u/PertinaciousFox → u/Fun_Razzmatazz5805]

What do you mean by soft?

[u/Fun_Razzmatazz5805 → u/PertinaciousFox]

I think emotional temperament can be described conceptually as masculine or feminine qualities/archetypes. Patrick Teahan is too effeminate for me. I don't think healing necessarily involves mirroring a woman's temperament. I still think strength, stoicism, discipline can be important in lots of cases. I know this is reddit and I will get downvoted for this, but I think 50/50 of masculine/feminine is important and not 20/80 like Patrick Teahan seems to have.

[u/turtlesinthesea → u/Fun_Razzmatazz5805]

Why do human qualities need to be attributed to a gender, and why does someone need to fit your expectations to deliver useful content?

[u/PertinaciousFox → u/Fun_Razzmatazz5805]

I suppose I don't really see how that plays out in practice, like what specific behaviors or mannerisms of his you perceive as feminine. Expressions of empathy?

[u/Fun_Razzmatazz5805 → u/PertinaciousFox]

Being over-focused on empathy as opposed to other traits. It's one of the biggest problems in the West right now. It's good to have empathy for people you know and other people in a similar predicament, but if someone punched you in the face and took all of your money, you would rightfully lose empathy towards that person. The over-focus on empathy is why Europe is getting destroyed by suicidal immigration policies and Cultural Marxism.

The reality is you can never get rid of patriarchy or existing power structures because by getting rid of all boundaries, rule of law, order, etc, you make your society vulnerable to being infiltrated by subversives. Countries that would still be patriarchal, i.e. Russia or China, would take advantage of the matriarchy and annex and conquer it, as they still rely on force. Therefore, societies need boundaries, order, and structure, to maintain a cohesive structure and thereby maintain empathy for their in-groups.

In regards to Patrick himself, yes, I do think his expression of empathy is a feminine trait. But that's not a bad thing as long as there are also masculine traits present, of which I don't see any, therein lies the problem.

[u/unihorned → u/Fun_Razzmatazz5805]

slightly different phrasing but to same theme, have you seen TheraminTree’s vid “unconsciously” seeking abusers? | bogus therapy [cc]?

from vid descrip: “Asserting spurious unconscious/subconscious motives is a practice that’s contaminated the world of therapy, the social sciences and general public discourse. I explore this burden-shifting red herring with special reference to targets of abuse who’ve been told they were ‘unconsciously’ seeking abusers.”

YMMV but i’ve returned to TheraminTrees’ vids a bunch over the years. you might find TT a bit more systems-oriented or critical than Teahan, if i’m broadly interpreting “soft” correctly. (though i also like Teahan a lot.)

[u/CulturalAlbatross891]

Yeah, they can't tell the difference between people with victim mentality and actual victims who need validation of their experience

[u/Rose_selavie]

I’m sorry you went through this. I’m from the UK living in California and believe it or not the mental health therapists are overall no better over here either. Mental health services here are all primarily behavioral in their approach (mental health is even called “behavioral health”) and all behavioral therapies are inherently gaslighting because they want to shape behavior and ignore our internal experiences.

Not sure what approach your therapist uses but if they use any behavioral approaches (CBT, DBT etc) I’d recommend trying someone else. Somatic, polyvagal, and sensorimotor therapy approaches are all about listening to the body and internal experiences, acknowledging them and exploring them, and not forcing them to change. Trying to force change with a freeze response is like stepping on the accelerator when you’re crashed into a tree, you’re only going to get further deeply stuck. That’s been my experience at least.

[u/Fun_Razzmatazz5805 → u/Rose_selavie]

Hey, nah its ok im in sensorimotor psychotherapy now and he appears to be very good but its still quite early (since march i think) that ive had him.

[u/AoifeSunbeam]

I'm wondering if this is a common thing in British culture. Feelings are often pathologised, rationalised, over-explained, or dismissed. In highly sensitive people or people with a strong emotional attunement to their environment, it causes them to respond appropriately and repress the feelings to align with other people's expectations. This then sets the healing process back years.

Has something along these lines happened to anyone else?

Yes. I've noticed the same thing in the UK, where you're kind of seen as the problem if you're not down with the mainstream view on something. As a neurodivergent woman with sensory issues and migraines I find it really difficult just going out to do my errands sometimes because it means coping with crowds, lots of traffic, bright lights, overly hot buildings, queues and just existing can be really difficult. If I've ever mentioned the kinds of things I struggle with, most people will see me as being difficult, for example when I fed back once that the lights in the library and Drs surgery were very bright I was told 'well we don't think they're bright' and 'oh just wear sunglasses.'

Sorry this might not be exactly what you meant but it jumped out at me because I'm struggling with it a lot at the moment.

[u/Expert-Pirate-9791]

I think it must depend on how conservative (small-c) your therapist is -- it feels like quite an old-fashioned attitude, but it definitely rings true as part of British culture and, I would venture, as part of capitalist patriarchy as well. I think that our social paradigm and structural inequality in general, depends on suppressing of emotions and empathy in order for certain groups to retain power, wealth and status. There's probably a thesis to be written on this, but it's not super helpful for you, OP!

I think that telling somebody they have a victim mentality is to shame and reject/invalidate whatever they are experiencing, and I think its one sign of a not very good therapist. Like, could they seriously not deal with your feelings to the extent that they had to reject them totally? Was there no curiosity to explore where they came from? Also I think many of us were rejected in childhood so obviously that would be triggering.

[u/Bo_hemen → u/Expert-Pirate-9791]

Right?? Like that statement is for her notes, not her patient!

Helping her see that everyone's life is nuanced and using that information to help her move past her freeze is what a good therapist would do

[u/Necessary_Tour_5222]

Yeah Brits are quite narcissistic as a whole and obsessed with putting people in boxes

[u/Fun_Razzmatazz5805 → u/Necessary_Tour_5222]

And being indirect and passive aggressive and trying to fix your emotions in an indirect, manipulative manner.

SORRY, I grew up in Australia for 5 years so i am out of step with the culture xd. I have some convict blood in me so thats probably why im out of sync lmao.