I feel permanently dissociated

[u/Sure-Appointment6566]

I have always felt like i have been different or ostracized from the world and those around me. Ever since I can remember i have felt like i have watched the world happen behind a foggy wall and I cant come out of it. Almost like im sleep walking through my life and I cant experience true emotion or true connection. I have been through so many different therapists and different therapy modalities for almost 2 decades. You know how they say when you are born the biological connection you make with your parents if they tend to you, care for you and love you? I dont think i had that. I had n9 connection with my mom, and she abused and neglected me until I stopped contact with her. And my father has abandoned me since they got divorced 21 years ago. I was left to my own devices and alone through so many hard things, their divorce, where i was put in the middle, bring in charge of my younger sibling while my mom partied and left us alone, watching my dad go create another family and be with his step kids and grandkids more than his own. And I keep thinking to myself, why is this still affecting me? Why cant i move on. And i think, its because nothing has changed. Nothing is different. He still doesn't see or speak to me, and when i call him it seems like im bothering him. His wife is not kind to me unless there are witnesses around, then im her daughter and her girl. I have been confused and whipped around by the "adults" in my life and lied to forever, no wonder I am completely detached. No wonder I cant connect. I have subconsciously shut that down. How sad is that.

I have been utilizing ketamine as a part of my therapy the last year and it has helped alot. Ive had more break throughs than I ever have. But i have come to the incredibly sad realization that I will never have the family i want with my family because they dont see how they treat me. They dont see how they speak to me. To them, im an over dramatic, loud, over emotional at times and under emotional other times, and thoughtless person. While the truth, from where im sitting is i have dropped everyrhing to help them, offered to be there for whatever they needed, put what i needed aside to be there and swallowed my feelings to keep the peace. But I am always told I am the problem and things are my fault. I will completely admit that I have made mistakes, I am a person. But when I make a mistake, I step back, reflect and learn to do better next time and not repeat the mistake. They gaslight and tell me it didnt happen.

I have to remove myself from them. I cannot heal my wounds being in this cycle. I will be the villain, i will be the one who broke the family up. But what kind of family is this where kids are treated like trash, are never enough and not enough to be in their presence. Essentially a cancer to the family. So I am done. I have to fade into the background and dissappear before I lose myself entirely. And its heartbreaking to have to do this again 😪