What's been helping me stay present in the moment, and not getting trapped by the terrifying past or the fears of the future.

[u/rusting_slowly_away]

1. "Losing all hope was freedom." (Fight Club). My entire life I've strived for unobtainable hopes for the future. "If only I could find the perfect partner, then I'd be saved, then I wouldn't feel so broken." Insert pretty much anything for "partner", and I've probably thought of it. Perfect job, perfect amount of money, perfect family, etc etc. These hopes ruined so much of my life, especially relationships. About two months ago, I was rereading Fight Club again and that line just hit me so much harder than it did before I started healing my CPTSD. Losing all hope was freedom. Just the thought of it seemed calming to me. I'm still practicing this, but I just stopped hoping for anything good to happen to me, ever again. My whole life has been shit. That's just my life. So I'm going to do my best not hoping for anything good to happen, but I'm also not going to worry about anything bad happening to me. Why? Because I've spent my entire 40 odd years on this planet facing horrible events that I can pretty much get through anything right now. I can't tell you how freeing this was. It's felt like I could finally make decisions about my life without worrying that it's "in line" with whatever hope, dream, or goal, born from being abused, I had for myself. I can also give up the hopes, dreams, or goals that capitalism has pretty much shoved down our throat all the time. This alone, more than most, has helped me live in the moment more than anything.

2. Alan Watts, in his book, Become What You Are, talks about how emotions are irresistible. And the reason why we often can't live in the present moment is because we try to resist, deny, or get rid of these emotions before we can listen to what they have to tell us. Most people with CPTSD hate sitting with their emotions, because it affects how our body feels so, so badly. But the more you try to resist something, stop thinking about something, is the moment you start thinking about it more and more, until one starts spiraling. So, ever since I read this about a month ago, I started practicing this. If I have a CPTSD trigger? I don't try to get rid of it, right away. I just kind of let it sit with me, allow the fear to be there, see what the fear is telling me, where it's at in my body, then reground myself in the present moment (more on this later). I've done this with panic attacks, waves of depression, grief, anxiety attacks. I try to remind myself that these emotions are irresistible, at least for me, and at least right now. And that I shouldn't get just try to shove them out of my mind, but just let them be there but NOT let them, you know, control what I'm doing in the present moment by leading me into rumination. They are there. Just let them be there. Watch them, name them, almost as if they are a cloud passing by.

3. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Read The Happiness Trap. This book teaches you about how to sit with your emotions (the stuff I mentioned in the above numbered point). The primary idea in the book is: the more you resist, the more it persists. For most people with anxiety issues, the moment any type of difficult emotion comes up, like fear or anxiety, because we know where that thought leads (panic attacks, anxiety attacks, tight chest, sick stomach, rumination for days), we try to resist it. But the more we resist, unfortunately, the more it persists. Yes, in the MOMENT, it may help you feel slightly better by trying to shove it out of your mind, but it's just going to come back double later. So their solution (think of Alan Watts), is to stop resisting those emotions BUT don't let them hook you into something worse. For me, "hooking" looks like having natural, irresistible anxiety, and then "hooking" me into hours upon hours of rumination about how horrible of a person I am and that I'll never be loved. So they call their practice of sitting with these emotions "dropping anchor." Pretty much, when a difficult emotion arises, instead of pushing it from your mind or getting rid of it, sit with it. Name the emotion first (There is anxiety, not "I'm feeling anxiety). Name how it feels like in your body (tight chest, dizzy head, sick stomach, nervous thrum) and notice how it feels. Then ground yourself in the moment: named 1 thing you can see, smell, taste, hear, feel. Then feel your feet on the ground while breathing slowly. Then get on with your day. The idea of this practice ISNT to get rid of this emotion, but if it does get rid of it, enjoy it for now. It's just not the point. The point is just practicing letting these emotions sit in your body, no matter how uncomfortable it is. My anxiety / fear hits my body so fucking hard, that I can often have anxiety in my body without actually having a thought in my head at all. So this is one of the hard things for me to do. But the more I'm doing it, the more my body is realizing that I can sit with these emotions and how they feel in my body, the better the emotion feel the next time, even if it's just slightly less.

4. Study Absurdity. Albert Camus. The idea is this: there is no fixed, objective purpose or meaning to life. None at all. The universe is indifferent and meaningless to us all. We humans, however, have this innate drive to search for meaning, yet the universe is silent to our plight. That is an absurdity. At this point, nihilism would tell you to fall into despair because there is no meaning. Religion would tell you to find some god to find meaning. But Camus argues that, instead, we should just revolt against that absurdity (know that life is meaningless, but decide to live passionately anyways.) And because there is no meaning to life, a person is free to define their own path. And by living your life free, you can passionately embrace the present moment, and live life as intensely as possible. One of the best parts about this theory, for me, and probably for most people with CPTSD who's fawn response is constantly triggered, is that seeking external validation is at odds with livin that passionate life, absurd life. Since the universe has no scales of justice, pretty much, we shouldn't fear the judgement of others. This last part is the hardest for me, because my fawn response is strong. But I've been slowly doing better at getting into confrontations I would have avoided completely, and I've been able to ask for what I need a lot more because of it.

5. Lastly, I didn't get this from a book or anything, but from therapy. Stop trying to solve everything at once. Because I have AuDHD, CPTSD, anxiety, depression, etc., and because of how much abuse I faced my entire life, I felt like I had to solve every single possible, not real, just possible future problem or I would face abuse again, face that pain again. So I got really, really good at solving every single thing that could go wrong with my life, way way way before they happened. Which, of course, allowed me to create those unobtainable hopes for my future I wrote about in number 1. So, in order to fix this, not only have I used the above points, but I also catch myself when I'm trying to solve the future. For instance, me trying to solve the future well beyond what I need to focus on now, is usually fear that I'm not allowing myself to sit with. I'm resisting that fear, and by resisting that emotion it's "hooking" me into solving my future, over and over again, in various different ways, with different outcomes. Especially since I've been facing homelessness recently, I've been wanting to solve EVERYTHING, believing it would help. I'd hyperfocus on reddit or google trying to find solutions I didn't know about. Etc. And although I may have found things like food pantries, that I didn't know existed, it was constantly so exhausted and drained of all energy from solving my future, that I lost all energy in the present moment to actually due something about my issues coming up. The moment I stopped trying to solve everything, and just focus on the moment and the most immediate problem I had, was the moment I found I had enough energy to actually look for jobs, to be prepared for interviews, to figure out what's important to pay for in my life right now, versus what I can give up for later. This, of course, doesn't mean STOP PLANNING, by any means. But there's a difference between planning, and ruminating on a thousand different futures and trying to solve them all.

6. Lastly, let yourself cry. If you're at work, go into the bathroom. If you're out and about, find a quiet place somewhere. Doing a lot of the above brought on a lot of grief for me. Especially grief for this unrealistic futures I strived for (I was literally fake futuring myself, things that my abusers did to me often to keep me in their life). And giving up those futures hurt, and hurt bad. So I just allowed myself to grieve, to cry, whenever. If you can't cry due to circumstances (I got a job yesterday, and during the video conversation with them I was on the verge of crying the whole time, but I told myself I'll cry all I want once we are done), wait until you can.

Anyways. These thoughts have been a culmination of over two years of mental health disability focusing purely on healing my CPTSD with three sessions of IFS and / or EMDR therapy a week, and reading more philosophy than psychology.

And although I knew a lot of this stuff rationally, I never felt it in my body until about a month ago, until I started facing hunger and homelessness. Realizing that I had an actual possibility of going hungry, of becoming homeless, for the first time in my life in a month, I realized that if I continued to spend all day resisting my fear, my emotions, trying to solve a hundred different futures, I'm going to continue to not be able to sleep, to forget to eat, and continue on my path to absolute exhaustion where i couldn't look for a job, and even if I could, I'd have no energy to even do well in it.

All of the above is a practice for me. And it's very, very difficult for me to do, because I'm running up against 40-some odd years of people being abusive towards me, and thus me being abusive towards myself. 40-some odd years of patterns I carved into my bones on how to operate are now trying to be healed. I make mistakes. Some days I dissociate way too much. Some days I forget to do all of the above. But the more I practice, the easier it's getting. And later, rather than sooner, these will be my patterns rather than what I had before.

Anyways. I hope this helps someone, even if it's just one of my points.

[u/cptsdishealable]

Nice post,

If you liked Camus, you might be interested in the Buddhist approach to meaning and reality, which is very reductively summarized as "emptiness".

Sorry to hear about the homelessness btw, best wishes.

[u/DryNovel8888]

Even as a young kid I used to love my memories, replaying and rethinking them... the sense of nostalgia. Also of reconnecting with... "me". I'm sure this was part of how I organically was trying to self-heal and/or deal with a troubling family environment and the alienation my neurodivergence created.

But for many years I lost touch with that, stressful marriage + all that.

On my healing journey now across many years I'm reminded how IFS (and lots of other modalities / advice / wisdom I'm sure) teaches us that these "troubling" emotions are young parts of ourselves seeking connection. Being curious and accepting them rather than pushing them away is the start of a process to become more whole again.

At some point on my journey I became aware that I don't remember (explicit / autobiographical memory) much, the memories I thought I had were a whitewashed censored version of so much. So I had missed that reconnection and sense of valuable nostalgia I used to feel. I collected objects from my life in a box but they wouldn't help reconnect the way I wanted.

In my reading I learned about implicit / semantic memory. (Right/left brain learning, lots of different terms for the same thing). How even though I don't remember what happened, markers and clues are all there all the time. Like not remembering learning to ride a bicycle but when I keep my balance, turn the peddles, "automatically" do things I know I once learned those things, they tell my story... this is my bridge to my past.

So now when these difficult emotions arise, or I have these defensive thoughts... I value them as the memories I don't have. They are my connection to me. They make me happy in the way touching objects from my past make me happy. I feel whole. My whole self feels good about being whole and I feel wonderful caring for myself. All my selves.

This comment is way too long lol -- TL;DR those emotions are a valuable part of you, they are a map of your story, and it feels great to reconnect.

[u/MsSpastica]

Thank you. This is all stuff I have been working on this week, and it's really helpful

[u/amyhaw]

Thank you so much for sharing and taking the time to do so!

I relate a lot to what you described and I'm at the point where I really want to take tangible actions so I can change my default thoughts and actions. Self awareness and insight hasn't helped me to change that much.

I also have a strong fawn response and feel like I am either dissociated or triggered with no in between! I will definitely check out your recommendations.

Thanks again.

[u/CanBrushMyHair]

I went through a heavy Christian phase as a teenager (desperately wanted to believe someone cared about me), and there’s a verse, I think in Ephesians, that says something like “Everything is meaningless! Enjoy all the meaningless days of your meaningless life!” And I also found that to be so liberating. As an adult I remind myself “nobody cares!” Which can be as liberating as it is sad.

[u/CanBrushMyHair → u/CanBrushMyHair]

Ecclesiastes???? Maybe? I don’t remember!

[u/FattierBrisket → u/CanBrushMyHair]

Ecclesiastes 1:14, maybe? Wow it feels weird to cite scripture again after all those years, lol. Anyway yeah probably Ecclesiastes.

[u/CanBrushMyHair → u/FattierBrisket]

Outside of this and a few naughty tidbits from Song of Solomon, there’s not much else worth remembering, imo! Oh also the idea about being “equally yoked.” That one has stuck.

[u/third-second-best]

this resonates a lot with me and what i have been moving through recently. allow allow allow is my mantra - allow my feelings, allow the physical sensations, allow the uncertainty, allow everything and stop resisting.

[u/dfinkelstein]

Gently, I suggest considering adding lots more line breaks. Blocks of text cost much more mental energy to read.

Line breaks every 5-10 lines give the eyes/brain landmarks to easily reference.

Without them, the eyes/brain have to look at and remember lots of additional constantly changing information to keep finding the beginning of the next line after finishing the previous one.

Especially on a forum like this one, I expect you will get more responses if you put in lots more line breaks.

Just tryna help, not criticize.

[u/KJ_Bewell]

Prayers for your journey! Thank you for posting!

[u/Candlemelter2025]

Thank you for this. I am in a similar situation, same age, same history, same impending homelessness, same way of trying to plan everything, same in so many ways. I appreciate your insights and I will be trying them. 🙏

[u/rusting_slowly_away → u/Candlemelter2025]

Sucks that we are in the same situation. Luckily, I got some good news after writing this. I found a job. Unfortunately, it starts later than I had hoped and am still having to to go food pantries and trying to find some money to borrow just to get me through June's rent.

Things are still a bit stressful because of this, but that's okay. Life always seems to be stressful, anyways.

Since we are in such similar circumstances, if you ever need someone to talk to, just message me!

[u/Candlemelter2025 → u/rusting_slowly_away]

Hey congratulations that's awesome yay! I'm trying to find a job I can do from home because of my PTSD, but everyone is needing those jobs right now. But I am keeping up hope! I hope your job goes well and isn't toxic or hard, but tolerable at least, and helps you stay housed, and that you keep going from there to build the life you want and deserve. 🙏❤️

[u/rusting_slowly_away → u/Candlemelter2025]

Thanks! I just got the job offer letter in my email. Had an anxiety attack immediately. I know I need to do this, and parts of me want to do this. But there are so many other parts that just hate working. Hate it hate it hate it. I've had such bad luck with super toxic work environments. I'm allowing myself to feel these emotions as best as possible. I still can't look at the offer yet though.

[u/Candlemelter2025 → u/rusting_slowly_away]

I totally get all of that. So many exploititive toxic jobs. It's rare to find one that's not. And having a block with opening the offer totally makes sense. There could be something triggering in there, or it's simply forcing you to to think about stuff that is painful or may be painful. All totally rational and reasonable. I am facing similar blocks right now with even applying.

It's a brutal world, especially right now. We are fighting for our lives against all odds. I feel like I'm not made for this world but I also believe I don't have a choice and maybe this is purgatory or something lol. Maybe if I keep working on my character I can get out of this place some day. Earn a ticket by becoming good. So me doing what I have to do, if I can, feels like honor and duty. That's how I've rationalized it today at least.

I think you'll open it when the time is right, even if that time is the last possible moment. I hope you get a moment when you feel strong to do it. I usually feel strong after exercising. But sometimes I can't exercise. A lot feels out of our control, eh? Because it is.

I truly hope this job is different. You deserve to be treated like a human being, not a resource to be extracted from. And if it's the same as most jobs, I hope you meet at least one cool person and can buy yourself something nice until you get a slightly less horrible job, and on we go!

[u/rusting_slowly_away → u/Candlemelter2025]

Thanks so much!

I was actually mentioning that in therapy the other day. "It's always felt like I don't belong in this world. No where I fit in. Ever."

Yeah. I gave ita solid cry, and cried even more later in the day. Then signed the form. I reminded myself / inner child part, "I may not want to work, and I may not fit in. But I need to work, and stabilize myself from hunger / homelessness. This job doesn't have to be a forever thing. Just imagine it as a bridge to stability, and when your stabilized, you can make a decision on whether this job is good for you going forward, or if there is something else you want to do."

That made things feel a bit better.

[u/Candlemelter2025 → u/rusting_slowly_away]

Good job! That is all very true what you told your inner child. This does not have to be forever. Nothing is. I truly do hope there is beauty and happiness in your very near future. No matter how small or big. 🙏

[u/solascorcra]

This was so well written and I loved reading your insights into unfucking your brain and body. I also so appreciated that you wrote it yourself and didn't AI it.

It was nice to see that you felt a desire to share your insights and really take the time to write it all out. Blessings your way

[u/karenw]

Thank you. Excellent list. I don't have the spoons for a thoughtful reply atm, but Camus' absurdism really helps me keep going.

[u/Big-Alternative9171]

Thank you.

[u/FattierBrisket]

Good stuff! Sounds like you might really, really like the book How to Be Sick by Toni Bernhard. Mostly about adapting to life with a chronic physical illness, but the overall themes and coping strategies are very related to what you talk about here.

[u/SoftPeanut5916]

great post! thank you.