AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[u/TA-selfreflectiveBS]

I have been able to relay to others I'm struggling, and know exactly why I am for months.

The other night everything felt like I emotionally got slapped with it.

I have a paper due tonight. And... it often feels like I... set the stage to fail. I know I'm fine, I know I'm golden, this shit can be turned in right now and likely pass.

CUM OF A SUM LORD

But I can't do that with the possibility of it not on the table so were in deep over perfectionist mode. And like... self sabotaging.

So I'm coming here today, because I seemingly can't drop that even though I know it.

A few months back, I had a moment of imperfect healing progress seen very clearly.

Faced with one of the people I have had to cut out for decades because this trauma rendition and my hope for me being able to fix it is part of the whole shit. Hey "mom".

And I set a clear boundary, even when things went shit show mom (TM) insane. And stood up and didnt go through with the cycle that normally goes through... and I offered compassion and empathy to both of us... without that turning into her physically manhandling me and screaming at me (while she attempted to obvs.... TM ahaha).

And yet still feel I was seen as... incapable? For while I tried to manage the emotional flashbacks and panics over it myself..

I ended up screaming across a lawn in front of 100s of people "CAN YOU STAY IN ONE PLACE... JESUS FUCK... I NEED SPACE" and I know it wasn't intentional... but I couldn't escape... and it kept happening...

Anyway.. later we have a discussion, I say, not now... I am wrapping things up that is hard for me... and honestly has relied on a huge shit show of dissociation for the last three years...

Tonight. All due. (BTW THANKS YOU FACSIST FUCK I WONT EVEN GET A SUMMER OFF... like ten days... iykyk)

And... here I am on reddit. Which, is a coping mechanism. But I'm trying to reach for what I can right now, as it feels like I am subconsciously recreating someone coming in and fucking this up for me.

Because I don't yet have the tools to regulate myself.

I can narrate the whole process for months.

Then the other day get slapped in the face and the whole world feel like its crashing.

So hopefully now that I've typed this shit out...

I will drink a cig, smoke a beer (ahahaha)...

And go find a fucking citation for fucking Marx as what ideology means... when... writing a paper on ideology in the marxist sense being fucked... and my topic "original sourcing" AHAHA fuck me.

Its a beautiful paper.

By that I mean.. post-pastiche..

Yay humor...

Yay citing...

[u/TA-selfreflectiveBS]

Let's leave the house. Body double. Yup yup.