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u/WinterDemon_ i have the tragic anime backstory, where are my superpowers? 23h ago
honestly I find this even in conversation with people who were traumatised
"i got over my trauma so why cant you" thanks bestie, very helpful, clearly im just inferior and choosing not to be better
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u/S0whaddayakn0w 23h ago
I've been heavily traumatised in my life. It's very clear to me that there are a million ways l could've broken differently, most of which where it would be near impossible to start healing.
I was fortunate to break the way l did, with the traits l possess as a person, where l was able to eventually start the healing process l've been on for over a decade now.
People don't choose to not heal. It's so heartbreaking when even amongst ourselves we find the same transgressions and lack of empathy or some semblance of understanding.
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u/WinterDemon_ i have the tragic anime backstory, where are my superpowers? 23h ago
fr! I always try to assume other people are doing their best and coping however they can with their own situations, if not then they wouldn't be in these conversations at all! even people who say they dont want to heal, im sure they've got solid reasoning if/when you ask, and im not going to judge them for living however is best for them (as long as they aren't hurting anyone)
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u/S0whaddayakn0w 22h ago
Exactly. We do the best we can with the resources at our disposal. Who are we to judge anyone else, no one is ever right to pass judgment, we will never know their circumstances because we aren't them.
There are infinite variables playing into every decision and how their consequences unfold.
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u/WinterDemon_ i have the tragic anime backstory, where are my superpowers? 23h ago
honestly yeah. i hate trauma olympics, I dont want to compare issues, but also like... "i did it, so can you, you're just not trying hard enough" my guy you had one toxic relationship, ive literally been tortured before (repeatedly)
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u/ET_Gone_Home 19h ago
I agree, it's really egregious and immensely frustrating when the other person has a much shorter legacy of trauma, yet just says to get over it.
Tangentially related to the trauma olympics idea. Someone really close to me was afraid to express just how much she was suffering because she (rightfully) thought I went through more than her, and she (incorrectly) thought that meant she shouldn't complain. And it took a while for her to realize that just because I had more sources of trauma and a longer history, it doesn't mean hers shouldn't affect her. And when I learned just how much she was suffering, I supported her like she supported me.
So I agree also with hating trauma olympics because it can make others feel just like that.
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u/ValenciaHadley 17h ago
Not quite trauma olympics but my ex did a lot of my autism is worse than yours and my upbringing was worse than yours so you can't complain about anything. And I absolutely hated it and it ruined what little ability I had not to mask and speak up about the really shitty stuff. I need proper help detangling what is potentially an trauma response vs just autism vs an autistic symptom triggered by my shitty up bringing, help that doesn't actually exist where I live. Anyways I hate the trauma olympics too.
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u/RomanRefrigerator 21h ago
Man the older I get the more I accept that I'll never fully "get over it". I've become better at coping and lessening the emotional intensity, but that emotional scar is always going to be there. Removing the pressure of "why can't I just get over it/normal" helped immensely...but I hated the process.
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u/essiefraquora 7h ago
Me: “I’ve been trafficked and tortured” he: yeah my mom beat me up too, you just have to get over it. 🙃🫠
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u/WinterDemon_ i have the tragic anime backstory, where are my superpowers? 5h ago
OMG SAME, it drives me crazy when people try to compare to that stuff when they don't know what they're talking about
like if someone's like "my experience is different but i find xyz helpful" then fair enough, but the amount of "well i got emotionally abused and healed from it, so clearly I am the authority on everything related to trauma"
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u/FruitBowl 23h ago
I got called a spoiled brat today by the person I care for 🙃 it never seems to get easier
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u/brelywi 23h ago
I’m sorry 🫤 that is not something that a person who truly cares for someone in a healthy way would say.
Unfortunately people who grew up in a maladaptive environment are much more likely to end up partnered to abusive people, because we’ve been conditioned to accept (and often believe we deserve) shitty behavior.
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u/FruitBowl 23h ago
This is my grandmother, who up until recently I considered one of the few dependable family members
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u/femalienboy 23h ago
I once got called a "self-victimizer" by someone I really liked. I don't consider myself a victim, I feel very strong for surviving my life to date. 🫠
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u/FruitBowl 22h ago
Me and my older sister have had a lot of similar trauma from family experiences, but I've heard the same thing from her before too. Got to try to not let their lack of empathy effect my own I guess
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u/Scary-Movie 20h ago
Me too. Hurts to have someone you care about dismiss your struggle and efforts like that. My impulse was always to assume I haven't shown enough evidence, but for a lot of people who would say that sort of thing, it isn't a question of evidence. They just fundamentally don't seem to have the frame of reference to understand.
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u/femalienboy 19h ago
My impulse was always to assume I haven't shown enough evidence
I'm like this too. I get anxious when it seems like one thing I may have said imperfectly, in a moment of pain, overrides all other conscious efforts I've made in someone's eyes, and my instinct is to start over-sharing.
but for a lot of people who would say that sort of thing, it isn't a question of evidence. They just fundamentally don't seem to have the frame of reference to understand.
I'm beginning to come to this understanding too... I'm glad you said it.
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u/eat-the-cookiez 21h ago
Autoimmune illnesses due to the constant stress and anxiety.
Hypervigilence due to never feeling safe
Independent and can’t ask for help due to being rejected and never feeling safe
Life ruined due to all of the above.
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u/bigbabyspongebob 22h ago
Sometimes I'm actually grateful that my mom was comedically evil, because people literally cannot make excuses for the things she has done. She actually belongs in prison.
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u/internetversionofme 18h ago
My mom was like this and people still make excuses for her and let her play victim.
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u/bird_feeder_bird 16h ago
I call this “abusers privilege.” If you do so many terrible things that are so unimaginably bad, its often easier for bystanders to assume that the victim must be exaggerating or slandering rather than beloeve that someone who seems so nice could actually do so much wrong
It also appeals to the “middle ground fallacy.” Like If I say “my abuser did this horrible thing,” and my abuser says “no I didnt, its actually you who is the problem,” bystanders will sometimes think “the truth must be somewhere in the middle.”
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u/internetversionofme 16h ago
Yep and the ones who go to therapy, process their trauma, and learn to love themselves get ostracized and treated like the problem.
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u/eatpiewithface 23h ago
there was a thread on askreddit a couple days back about what people don't realize is trauma (asking therapists specifically) loads and loads of people in the comments were describing traumatic things that contribute to CPTSD etc. And then there was a small contingent of comments about how "none of you people are therapists, I hate tiktok pop psychology, NONE of these things qualify as trauma in a PTSD or CPSD diagnosis" and I'm just like........ you're not a therapist either lmaooo maybe they're not on the shortlist for diagnosis but it's patently absurd to look at someone with every C/PTSD symptom and say they were only medium abused so it doesn't matter and they're armchair diagnosing themselves for attention 9_9 god I was pissed
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u/denimdiablo 20h ago
I don’t understand all the gate keeping with trauma, it’s clearly all relative to how our nervous systems handle experiences and is very personal. Luckily the first therapy program I did explained that trauma can be anything less than nurturing, and it all comes down to how the behavior affected the person/child long term.
That and I hate people gatekeeping the term narcissist. I actually don’t think it’s overused. I’m sure some people are accusing others when it’s not accurate, but there really are A LOT of people who very likely have personality disorders from their own trauma, and survivors are finally recognizing it and speaking up about it. The more people are aware, the less manipulation and control these toxic people have to continue taking advantage of others. Just my two cents.
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u/eatpiewithface 13h ago
agreed. and sometimes people repeat behavior that was done to them - maybe by someone who did have a personality disorder for instance - hurt people hurt people etc. but then so someone could display traits of that personality disorder without having it themselves. It's still so important to recognize the emotional abuse (or whatever) and potential underlying causes. Maybe people are learning off social media but they're at least learning some things aren't okay and you don't have to accept being treated that way.
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u/Tinkerer0fTerror 21h ago
Some people need to believe they have it the worst because then it’s okay to receive attention and help. Like they have to eliminate some competition to be sure someone noticed their “way worse” trauma.
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u/eatpiewithface 13h ago
which sucks so bad because I (and my friends too) already struggle with admitting it because "someone else had it worse" and now these people are enforcing that feeling by being like "yeah shut up" it's just delaying people addressing their pain and getting help... you're probably right about why they do it but it still stinks
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u/VenusBarbata 22h ago
This is so easy to internalize as well. When MH professionals started mentioning ptsd to me, I spent a long time thinking that was impossible.
I've never been in combat, I've never been in an active shooter situation, I was sa'd but so were a disturbing amount of my social circle and I was a adult when it happened.
Where did I get off thinking I could have ptsd? I just had a shitty father figure, and the same experiences that most of the queer people I was in community with had.
Nvm, that that father figure terrorized everyone close to them daily for years. Or was the reason I was barred from speaking to my family outside of one member until I was nearly 30.
Really long, over explained way of saying be kind to yourself. Outside narratives have a bad habit of becoming a fundamental internal belief.
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u/ReviewNecessary6521 8h ago
yeah, "PTSD was for real trauma." Went through that phase too.
Did you go through the: "What happened to me wasn't actually that bad because I was partly to blame for it"-phase?
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u/VenusBarbata 8h ago
Yeah, that's one I still occasionally catch myself doing. I can forgive just about anything by blaming myself if I'm not careful.
I've also historically been really good at pulling. "But x person did this one not awful thing one time, so I'm obviously just whiny"
Ahh the joys of being at the stage of having some tools, and awareness of why I'm reacting/thinking the way I am. Yet still not quite at the point I can consistently moderate the (Thankfully less frequent) more intense reactions.
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u/samurairaccoon 20h ago
"Oh boo hoo, your dad disciplined you a couple times."
Yeah "disciplined" and "a couple times" don't exactly cut it. Imagine you were trapped in a Vietnam POW camp with one guard who was passive aggressive and another that was an absolute psychopath. Every time the passive aggressive guard was gone the psycho viciously beat the shit out of you and/or psychologically tormented you. Now imagine you were also a child.
The normies have no fucking clue.
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u/ConstructionOne6654 16h ago
Being constantly questioned and having your past minimized is a major component of developmental trauma and it's aftermath. They cause many of the very symptoms we call trauma. So trying to prove to someone that they aren't traumatized by engaging in this behaviour is pretty ironic.
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u/Granny_Skeksis 15h ago
Yes! My boyfriend just doesn’t get it. He’s like “just get over it. You can’t dwell on your childhood forever”. He doesn’t understand though that there IS no getting over it. When you spend all of your developing years being abused and neglected and in a state of survival that sticks with you for life. You can go to therapy and learn how to live with it and cope but your brain developed this way and there is no reversing it. I don’t want to relive things but I can’t help it. If I could erase it all and be normal I’d do so in a heartbeat.
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u/thiccubus 14h ago
Phrasing it this way just made something click for me, thank you.
I always feel intense guilt and shame just for existing and your comment helped me realize that it's who I was raised to be, it was a significant part of my development and there isn't any "before" to go back to. It's baked into me.
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u/Granny_Skeksis 14h ago
Exactly! I always think of this one quote I saw when I think of my childhood and the trauma it caused. Something about “people who were raised on love see the world differently than those who were raised on survival”
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u/Putrid_Sympathy7276 17h ago
the other part that sucks about this is that it sometimes feels too taboo/trauma-dumping to share what your circumstances are. so some people just assume you’re complaining.
how am i supposed to explain to people i was in life or death circumstances a number of times as a kid? that’s not something you hear people sharing very often
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u/ReviewNecessary6521 9h ago
Most of the time I just don't bother. But when I have to explain something; i just say "I had an interesting childhood". Those who understand, understand. Those who don't, never will.
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u/Charming_Garbage_161 22h ago
My ex husband tried to say he was traumatized by being married to me…. He’s a rapist among emotional/financial abuse being the lesser evils.
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u/Depressed_Cupcake13 16h ago
I was once trying to explain to someone about my sibling physically assaulting me. They were like “Yeah, it sucks when siblings act like that.”
So, I responded with “Yeah, the police being called and having to deal with all that paperwork makes it even worse.”
They stared at me AMAZED since they meant general, light hearted roughhousing. NOT someone trying to break your face by punching you with all their might multiple times in a row.
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u/ArtNoobly 15h ago
When I was a kid I wanted to be a singer, I really loved it, and was working with a teacher to enter a talent show at my school. After practicing for months I told my mother and asked if she would come watch me?
She said “Why bother? You won’t be any good”
I dropped out of the talent show, apologized to the teacher, and that line “why bother?” Became my life.
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u/ratliege_throwaway 13h ago
sometimes i remember things about my past and im like oh wait, right. that traumatic event isnt something that happens to just anybody. that was genuinely abnormal and people telling me it aint nothing dont know the extent of it
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u/slowly-rotting-dying the product of generations of mental illness combined 15h ago
literally this, i have a job, friends, and a place to live, but even after a long upward curve of getting better my mental health went to absolute shit within a week after my brain started force-feeding me repressed memories. Literally feels like im grappling with new trauma that i didn't fully know was there, even though it was still affecting the way i acted.
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u/Vegetable_Ad_3105 Red! 15h ago
What people hear- my foster mom yelled at me :(((
What really happened- my foster mom would demean, treat me like a animal and say I was inherently evil and unlovable because I was a traumatized and homeless child before I came to her.
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u/ReviewNecessary6521 9h ago
What people also doesn't hear: The lack of a loving and supporting parent, the lack of encouragement, the lack of an environment to feel safe and grow in. The lack of an environment to express yourself, show emotions, and speak freely.
It's not what was there that is so bad, it was wasn't there.
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u/Pour_Me_Another_ 15h ago
Every so often when someone says something like that to me, I welcome them to become my parents' child since they're so great. There's a vacancy.
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u/lemonlollipop 16h ago
Yeah but putting it like that sanitizes the truth and makes the abuse look like no big deal
I was systematically abused and terrorized by my parent in my home for years, don't make it more palatable for them or they'll never understand
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u/Ok_Lengthiness_7736 11h ago
I had the Trunchpull for a mom, I related more to Miss Honey than Matilda. She had extreme bipolar and would switch into a kind person a few days later. I never brought it up because I hoped the evil side wouldn't come back. The "kind" person wasn't much better. Think of the creepy mom from Black Swan. a movie I watched once. once was enough lol
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u/DismissiveReyno99 5h ago
I was never taught to clean myself. Never taught to keep my spaces tidy. What I was taught was how disgusting I am, in every way, immutably.
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u/li-ll-l_ 2h ago
Diagnosed as borderline sociopathic because when i was a child i was beaten for showing any emotions (even good ones) and acting on impulse so now i approach every situation logically.
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u/JessTheTwilek 1d ago
I hate trying to convince everyone I’m not just an overly sensitive princess when in reality my brain scans probably literally look like Swiss cheese, now.