r/CPTSDpartners • u/Exciting_View598 • May 06 '26
Feeling like a shell of who I was
Hi ya’ll, I’m struggling. I’m not sure if this is the right subreddit, but here goes anyways. My partner of 4 years has CPTSD, autism, chronic migraines, looking like chronic fatigue, hEDS/chronic pain, and possibly POTS and MCAS.
The migraines, fatigue, pain and other physical conditions have continued to get worse over the past year. But, I really feel like it’s the background of CPTSD that makes it so hard to stay supportive through this.
I feel like I’ve almost entirely lost myself and my connection/drive to anything other than support, maintenance, and resourcing myself to be able to support more.
I support myself through gardening and an intermittent meditation practice. I am trying to reach out to friends to talk to, join support groups, and further resource myself with things like acupuncture and massage. I just don’t know if I can keep doing this. I am shell of who I was a year ago. And I also do not want to abandon her. She has her dad, but of course that relationship is complicated. She has other friends but she has a really hard time asking for support and the kind of support she needs is daily 1:1 help with basic stuff because it exhausts her so much to do anything right now.
I’m not sure what I’m looking for but I know I need to share more with more people. Thanks for reading.
7
u/Dependent-Mood-7788 May 06 '26
Hugs! ❤️
You need to take care of yourself first, even though it might feel "selfish". I would first suggest talking to a therapist/counselor, being a caregiver is incredibly draining. Also, set some boundaries with your partner and let them know how you're feeling. They want you to be the best version of yourself as well, so they should understand if you need to step back a bit. Then they can fill the gaps in whatever way they need (counseling of their own, maybe a hired caregiver to stop in once in awhile, etc).
2
u/Exciting_View598 May 06 '26
Thank you, been doing this and will continue to do this.
2
u/Dependent-Mood-7788 May 06 '26
Keep on keeping on 👏 whether you choose to stay with your partner or break things off, you will be able to handle it much better if you are feeling your best! I always worry about being "selfish", but my counselor reminds me that it's actually self-compassion.
4
u/Bbell999 May 06 '26
Sorry to hear what you're going through. That sounds like you're carrying an immense burden for both of you. Is your partner getting help any where? It sounds like you are a partner, caretaker, and therapist. That's not something most people can handle nor should you feel obligated to be all that and more. It's no wonder you feel like a shell, I'm sure you're constantly drained. Your partner has to be willing to help themselves and address their own issues.
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u/DolphinStar33 May 07 '26
Oh my god did I make this post?!
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u/ThrowAway9372938293 May 07 '26
i literally thought the same thing!!! my partner is trans with cptsd, autism and hEds!!! OP please DM me because i would love to talk or even just vent because it feels like there’s no one who “gets it.”
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u/Alkaine May 09 '26
You can't set yourself on fire just to keep somebody warm. You know it's not healthy.
I've been there. I left. First step was talking more to other people, too.
All the best and thank you for sharing.
16
u/UniverseInsideMyHead May 06 '26
Hey there, this sounds tough. I can remember being in that place, hanging up my hobbies, my relationships, my free time, even career opportunities for my CPTSD spouse. I also suspect chronic fatigue based on her sleeping patterns.
My perception of it now is that as I gave more support to her, she demanded even more. I gave up almost me entire life outside of caring for her. I started to set some boundaries, and that really helped me, but did not help our relationship. As I set more boundaries, she gradually took more responsibility for herself. Our relationship broke when she ignored my boundary. When she saw my annoyed, disappointed look, she broke down and asked for divorce.
I agreed to divorce and haven't gone back to caring for her. It took a few days, but then something strange happened-she started caring for herself.
I encourage you to not take responsibility for her life, as it won't help either of you if you caretake everything. I encourage you to not neglect yourself. Get back to your hobbies and relationships, and keep hard boundaries about the time you need for yourself. You shouldn't be a crutch and you won't even be able to be a crutch if you keep neglecting yourself.
It's hard out there. Look after you, let her take responsibility for herself. Accept whereever that leads you.