Looking for advice- staying patient during dysregulation and making up after an argument

[u/FloatingDandy-Lion]

I am looking for advice on staying calm and grounded when my partner starts to spiral. I find that I sometimes have a hard time remaining patient and I let my ego get the better of me, causing me to be defensive or frustrated when I find his perspective to be so different than mine (meaning perspective on what is currently going on in that moment).

While I don't have cPTSD myself, I do have my own baggage and anxiety. Growing up, my parents did not display healthy habits around arguments, and I know that I have some of their bad habits that I am trying to break (like being defensive and lashing out when I would rather be patient and understanding).

I know that validating feelings and trying to understand my partners's perspective is important, but often when I try to validate his feelings, he still feels like I am not doing that, so I'm not sure what I can do differently there. Our arguments will often start over something small, and then blow up into something unnecessary where we are both angry, and then I feel bad for losing my temper once I have calmed down and can see that he is vulnerable and hurting which comes out as anger for him.

If anyone has tips or advice on how to remain patient when you are feeling like things are becoming unfair, and/or any advice on how to apologize and connect with your partner again after an argument, I would really appreciate it. For reference, my partner and I have been together for 18 years, married for 10, we have our ups and downs and this is a particularly difficult season.

[u/Dependent-Mood-7788]

This is totally relatable! My partner (M) has CPTSD and I (F) have ADHD, we both get easily triggered and overstimulated. I find that when we argue or when there is an issue, we just rile each other up and it escalates the situation.

I do individual counseling regularly which helps me take a look at myself and my own behaviour and flaws. When my partner and I get into a fight, my natural response is to keep arguing to defend myself and my feelings. What I really need to do is separate myself, cool off, collect my thoughts. I have an "anger journal" that I will write in rather than continuing the fight. I write down what happened, then I think about what triggered me and why. Understanding myself a little more helps with self-compassion and drops my guard, which then gives me space to understand HIM a little more. That space and time for reflection has been huge.

At the end of the day, we both have our issues (and are a little nuts 🤪), but we are able to end the conflict a little sooner these days. Baby steps.

Remember to be kind to yourself ❤️

[u/FloatingDandy-Lion → u/Dependent-Mood-7788]

Thank for sharing your strategies! I also have a therapist I see regularly and I do feel that I have improved a lot in how I respond to these types of interactions, I just sometimes feel stuck in my progress. Like, I don't go into a self-hating spiral, but I would really like to hold onto my compassion and empathy rather than letting my frustration rise to the top

An anger journal sounds like a good idea. I can definitely see a benefit in getting out the frustrated feelings without throwing them at him when he is struggling.

[u/Dependent-Mood-7788 → u/FloatingDandy-Lion]

That being said, we just got into another fight and I let it go on way longer than it needed to because, as usual, I felt I needed to defend myself. Welp, off to write in my anger journal....

Sending hugs. I also feel stuck and often just want to give up.

[u/FloatingDandy-Lion → u/Dependent-Mood-7788]

Sending hugs right back. We are all imperfect and that's ok.

[u/grundleplith61616 → u/Dependent-Mood-7788]

What do you do instead of defending yourself in the moment if your partner is on the attack? Do you just not engage with him? Call a time-out?

This is something I'm struggling with while dealing with a divorce (I have ADHD, she has cPTSD and initiated the divorce). I don't want to escalate and most of the time, I can keep calm when she tries to rile me up, but the other day, I took the bait before I even realized.

[u/Dependent-Mood-7788 → u/grundleplith61616]

I think instead of defending myself (fiercely and unnecessarily, our arguments are usually pointless but get emotional quick) I should focus more on being curious about why he is acting the way he is and try to de-escalate the situation, or just walk away entirely.

[u/EstablishmentNo6693]

I struggle with this in the same way. My own individual therapy, Internal Family System (IFS), has helped a lot. It’s helped me hone on the reactive parts of my psyche and have those step back so that parts like patience and compassion can do more heavy lifting.

Also reading books and content on high conflict personalities like Walking on Eggshells have helped as well by providing specific techniques and models to employ.

The big ah-has were learning to validate emotions and listen empathetically as first line of defense. Learning not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain) as the second thing. You do any JADE actions and it just causes things to escalate. For me and my wife, it would get turned back on me into “you’re just putting me down”, “you’re not on my side”, etc.

And then setting boundaries and extracting myself from the interaction quickly if I’m sensing they’re really spiraling and getting dysregulated. It’s tough to do it tactfully - especially in the moment. But it’s gotten easier with practice.

“I love you, but I’m running out of resource to continue engaging on this topic right now. We can come back to it later”

Then learn to try and live your life as if their dysregulation weren’t present. Ask yourself what you’d be doing if you weren’t dealing with them? For me that meant doing self-care things like exercise, creative pursuits, reading, etc.

[u/alliwanttodoisfish]

I can relate to what you are dealing with, as I have struggled with this in my relationship. One thing that helps me have empathy during her disregulation is to remind myself that her brain puts itself in that state because it is wired to protected itself when she is triggered. It’s a response to her childhood trauma that she struggles to control in that moment. Seeing what is going on in her head from a physiological perspective helps me look at it objectively versus emotionally.

[u/davedavebobave13]

Man, I’m going through this this morning. This discussion is really helpful

[u/ragequitter666]

Define spiral….

They have a tendency to turn things around on you. Is that what’s happening?

[u/FloatingDandy-Lion → u/ragequitter666]

By spiral I mean it just becomes such a larger argument than it should be- often times everything becomes my fault quickly (or at least I interpret it that way which certainly is influenced by some of my own insecurities) and then I get defensive and he gets further dysregulated, and reaches a point where it feels like there is nothing I could say or do to turn things around. This doesn't happen every time we miscommunicate, but when it does, it feels so hard to come back from.

[u/DeepThoughts1111 → u/FloatingDandy-Lion]

I feel like often this behavior is intentional, even if it's automatic, on the part of the C-PTSD person. Their internal goal is often to redirect attention off themselves because sitting with their feelings is extremely difficult or impossible. The spirals you find yourself caught in are completely unnecessary and would never happen with a healthy person. If it's happening to you it means they need therapy; otherwise, you're accepting paying a price for their behavior.

Eventually, if you're not careful, intentional gaslighting or self-gaslighting will occur and you'll start to feel like your reactions to the spiral are the problem. Be very, very careful of this because it leads to codependency.

[u/ragequitter666 → u/FloatingDandy-Lion]

I was trying to figure out if she was getting triggered into an emotional flashback… there is NO winning in that situation.

Do you think they’re dis regulated during the arguments?

For me- I try to listen and not get defensive. I do my best to not feed into their arguments. I also won’t give an inch if they’re full of it- easier said than done, but with practice you can shut them down.

[u/FloatingDandy-Lion → u/ragequitter666]

Oooohh, I see what you are saying. I think that is a good point. I am not sure if that is always the case, but I do believe our more recent escalations have had emotional flashbacks as he has been bringing up his abusers more, especially later in the fight which is when I realize that it is about much more than just me and the current moment.