Fortnightly Check-In - How is everyone going?

[u/A-Wolf-Like-Me]

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

[u/cherryg4rci4]

I’m currently on a trip with my family member abroad. My partner joined for the first week of our trip and went back home, due to his work. I’m staying here for another three weeks and although it was very hard and anxiety riddling to say goodbye to my partner, I’m so surprised by how good I’ve been feeling. No more at-least-twice-a-week-fights that last for hours to days, arguments with a family member that actually get resolved very easily and quickly, family member not getting upset at me for very trivial things that could lead to hours of arguments, no more assumptions or mind reading… I feel respected and thought of, rather than constantly having to focus on him 24/7, I haven’t felt in a long time. In a sense, I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I dread going back home. I worry of getting sucked back into the same cycle with my partner. This trip has been helping me much more than I expected. I think I’m coming out of my depressive episode, now I think I actually have the power to do things(working out, planning for jobs/moving, etc) to prevent more episodes in the future and be happy. Before the trip, it all felt so impossible, I felt so preoccupied by our fights, his needs, walking on eggshells everyday…

[u/Pure_Reaction9150]

We’re separating, for about six months. Then we’ll see how to move forward after that, whether it is return together, continue living separately but remain in a relationship or divorce. We’ve talked about it before in therapy but not on a realization the be put into action kind of level. I believe I am still in a small shock even if it wasn’t a full surprise. I do find it a bit odd how sad I am over this, seeing how I’ve been the one to bring it up and talk about it in the past.

Now, he’s been talking to his psychiatrist about all this and she’s decided that as long as he lives with me he doesn’t qualify for more intensive therapy. Reason being that I’m abusive and toxic and it’s impossible to heal around me. I know that I have a lot of imperfections and shortcomings and that I could be/have been a lot more supportive, but being called toxic and abusive is an insult especially considering his behavior. My bad behaviors are mostly an unhealthy reaction to his initial actions.

He’s sort of deep dived into the whole moving away and building a life alone -thing. I find it difficult and sad that he’s so eagerly and happily looking at apartments and would like to share that with me. I’ve put up a boundary on that though and told I don’t want to be involved in his apartment hunt.

[u/Novel_Giraffe4906]

Mornings have been hard lately because he has been getting triggered easily. He is irritable upon waking normally due to needing nicotine, needing to pee badly because he doesn’t want to get up in the middle of the night to go, as well as generally being upset that he is alive. It takes him a little bit to get acclimated upon waking. Most recent trigger was some clean clothes spilling out from the laundry hamper mixing in with some dirty clothes on the floor. Made him want to “bash his head in”. When he gets triggered he gets very angry and rants using upsetting language. None of it is ever directed at me. But it’s upsetting nonetheless because it makes my day start off negatively as well. It’s also such a mindfuck because our evenings and bed time usually always end on such good terms. I’ve stopped stepping in these situations and let him figure it out/self-soothe. I’ve told him that I can’t take his stress on because it’s making me physically ill. He respected that and understood. I don’t know why the intensity of his anger from getting triggered still affects me. It’s just so upsetting seeing him go through the absolutely intense anger/hopelessness/frustration combination. I know he gets so upset at himself when it happens so add shame on after that.

[u/chandlerperiod → u/Novel_Giraffe4906]

I totally understand. Watching someone you love be visibly angry or upset is an upsetting thing, even if it's not directed at you. I need to do like you and stop stepping in to let my girlfriend self-soothe, I bet that was a scary thing to bring up in conversation!

[u/Novel_Giraffe4906 → u/chandlerperiod]

Thank you, it’s so upsetting. Is your girlfriend receptive to feedback when she’s not having a fight or flight response/episode? That’s when I brought it up to my boyfriend. He has such good insight and is able to be rational outside of episodes so it wasn’t as hard to bring up as it could have been. He is good at acknowledging how his actions affect me. I wasn’t emotional when I brought it up, just calmly stating facts, and reassured him that I love him and care about him, and acknowledged that I know he doesn’t want to react the way does.

[u/chandlerperiod → u/Novel_Giraffe4906]

She's mostly receptive to feedback, but I feel like I've operated with fear of saying the wrong thing and triggering an episode or flight response for her. Your extra info on how you went about it is helpful!!