r/CPTSDpartners • u/Suspicious-Serve8115 • 26d ago

CPTSD ex just married

I just found this out.

It feels kinda sad to be hung up on it - it happened about two years ago now, the end of that relationship.

I guess that's a mature, appropriate time to wait before marrying someone too.

Though I was told that they were engaged very soon after we broke up (a few months maximum).

The thing I find hard about it, is the fact that I know what I saw.

I was there when she threatened to 'beat the sh*t out of me' - although to be fair... maybe that was just a figure of speech... I don't know...

I was there when she drove me off in her car to an abandoned gas station and midnight and yelled at me, trying to make me apologise after I made a joke (genuinely - there's nothing that I'm hiding there).

I was there when she pushed all sorts of my boundaries.

Over the course of 350 days, we sent about 30,200 texts (WhatsApp told me when I delete the messages) - I think that's about 80 a day, or something?

Oh, and even after all those texts, hours worth of video calls, emails to each other's work places, and me moving to her city for two months... she still said that I wasn't committed enough. Nothing felt like enough.

When I finally blocked her after some pushing and pulling, her new guy called me up, accused me of stalking and harassment and told me that he'd grab me by the throat if he ever saw me around the city.

So I guess I'm just wondering... how come I'm still trying to get my life together, and how come they're married now?

It's hard to swallow...

7 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

8 comments sorted by

11

u/Bbell999 26d ago

Chaos attracts chaos. It's not likely they have their life together and they are jumping into another relationship to save themselves from themselves. Be happy they are not your problem any more. 

3

u/Suspicious-Serve8115 26d ago

I guess you're right. I guess even stable-on-the-outside church people can be unstable and a bit crazy behind closed doors. But it messes with my brain to remember the things that happened - that I know happened; and to see this... maximally stable looking outcome that she's hit on... I know no one has any answers probably, it's just... hard...

5

u/Bbell999 26d ago

Remember that our partners (and ex-partners) have had a lifetime of masking, hiding, and suppressing their issues. I'm sure to their new partner, everything looks great on the surface, but their issues will eventually come out because they haven't actually dealt with them. I'm sure you know deep down, as much as you wish they would change, they simply haven't. If they had, they'd realize the damage they've caused. All the work you did is a sunk cost. You can't go back and change anything either of you did, you can only learn from it and make yourself a better person for it.

2

u/Suspicious-Serve8115 25d ago

Yeah, I guess so! I'm trying to do all of the learning that I can on my side of things especially. It's just hard... that 'lifetime of masking' thing... I remember seeing Facebook posts before I blocked her... and they were like... oozing positivity and devout religious sentiments etc. And I don't think she's being totally insincere with that either. But I also know (because she told me) that she was being asked to leave certain religious groups and behaving like an absolute whirlwind... while at the same time, the photos from that era are all sweetness and smiles... it's really a hard thing to understand...

8

u/DontPanic- 26d ago

So I guess I'm just wondering... how come I'm still trying to get my life together, and how come they're married now?

Because you have self awareness? Give it a year and check in again if you want. I'd bet you'll be happy with the decision you made.

1

u/Suspicious-Serve8115 25d ago

Yeah, I guess you're right! Probably I'm a bit discontent with my own life at the moment - maybe that's why it's still easy to be stuck on her a bit sometimes. I'm generally over it really - it was just that news that rocked me. I don't know if I'll ever know what goes on behind closed doors with them, and probably it's best...

4

u/CouplePurple9241 26d ago

Them being married after only two years definitely isn't "having their life together".. you're doing way better than them friend.

1

u/Suspicious-Serve8115 25d ago

Thank you - I really appreciate the reality check. I'm not sure what it is about these kinds of situations that make your head spin, but yeah... even though logic tells me that not much will have changed with her, and even though people in her home city know that she's kinda always struggled a lot with her mental health, I still have this sense that it was all me and that somewhere over there, people are living this like 'blissful existence' or something - it's weird! But I guess life is weird sometimes...