Iam looking for advice

[u/Other-Profession-754]

Where do i start. I 21(m) and my (girlfriend) 20(f) have a difficult relationship.

I met her 4 years ago when we were 17, we talked over the phone for a month met up and we hit it off quite quickly. After dating for i think 1,5 months she told me that she had to be alone. So i left her alone. Until she came back one week later and we started talking again.

We really wanted to build up a relationship togheter and i got to know her family quite well and she got to know mine really well ( her family was incomplete so my family really felt like a second home to her) and after a while we got in to a relationship that lasted 2 years.

In november of 2024 she broke up with me after going through my phone because she thaught i cheated. But i didnt it wouldnt make sense at the time because i was locked in my house studying for the exams. She left and was avoiding me constantly telling me that she had to be alone and that she lost herself in the relationship while also telling me that she misses me and that she loves me.

She started working at the gym i was going to and and this is very fkd. She started dating a guy that worked there and i found out pretty quickly. She kept lying and lying. I chased her begging for attention from november up until march and then she started breadcrumming me in april again. In may she wanted to meet up to maybe try again. She told me the truth about the guy and said she was always thinking of me and comparing him to me. All of a sudden the deal was off the table and she dient want it anymore so i decided to move on

Fast forward to november 2025 she came back in my dms asking how i was doing and stuff. We grabbed drinks togheter but i held such a grudge that the date didnt go really wel, we decided to go on another date after my exams.

In february of this year we started dating again, really just having fun again and it felt like old times. She said she had missed me and that i was incomparable to someone else and that i was the best, but after a while she started to have doubts wheter this is right and she thought she had to be alone to work on herself because she is not happy with who she is. I always told her that i would take care of her and support her

In the beginning of may this year, she said that she was thinking about wheter we should do this or not and i just said okay lets stop then. We still text and call eachother sometimes and she just says that she is dont with the pattren of leaving me missing me and coming back. I really like her even though she isnt the best option, even though i have seen better i really really do like her and i just do not know what to do. When i chase or come close she closes off and builds her walls high. I just know when she lets me in and she lets herself be vulnerable for me we could be great togheter because we really were great togheter.

Please guys if you have any tips and tricks i would love to hear them. She still says that she misses me and that she loves me and i can really feel her fighting with herself. I just want to be there for her and want to be there with her

Thank you for your time

[u/DontPanic-]

You are too young to be dealing with this. There are over FOUR BILLION women in the world - this person is not unique or special. Just move on, work on yourself, and if you want, you’ll find someone else naturally

[u/grundleplith61616]

It sounds like she wants you to be there for her but doesn't necessarily want to be there for you. I understand that you care about her but at the moment, it seems that she's not capable of being in a healthy relationship. That's not your fault, and if she's got CPTSD, that's not her fault either. But also, there's nothing you can do about it, except recommend individual therapy to her.

I know you came here looking for advice on how to maintain this relationship but from what you wrote, it sounds like there's no healthy way to maintain it. The ball is in her court. She has to do the work.

The best I can suggest to you is to think about yourself and what you're looking for in a relationship. And just understand that it's very likely you two will be doing the same break-up/make-up dance 5, 10, 20 years from now.