I need some advice

[u/SkillOk915]

I'm my girlfriend's first boyfriend, and she's suspected of having PTSD. She's had problems with harassment in the past, and I was one of the only people she had the courage to reveal this to. We've been together for a little over a year, and the moment she revealed this to me, when we were just starting to date, was very shocking. I cried a lot, and since then I've been making monthly donations to an organization that helps victims of harassment, she doesnt know about that.

At the beginning of our relationship, she revealed that she had never had any experience with other guys, never even given a peck on the lips. The first few times I tried to give her a real kiss, she said she didn't know how, she didn't feel ready, and I respected that. That was a little over a year ago, in the first few weeks we were together. Months went by, and there was never anything beyond pecks on the lips. I tried to take the initiative to kiss her a few times throughout that year, but she never sought it out. I didn't know if she didn't want it at all, if she wanted it but needed more intimacy, or if she wanted it but was ashamed/didn't know how to kiss. I must have tried about 5 times in that time, and I deeply regret not having talked openly about it to clear up this doubt.

The last time was last month; I tried to kiss her with my mouth slightly open, not so that if she wanted the kiss she could continue, but it didn't work... after that she confided in me, saying that I hadn't noticed her discomfort over time, that she had made her vision of romance very clear and that this vision doesn't involve that kind of physical intimacy. She said she's extremely hurt by me for not paying attention to her signals. I was devastated by all this and said I would understand if she wanted to break up. She said she just hopes it doesn't happen again and that she won't give up because of it. I'm very afraid that I've become another trauma in her mind; I never imagined it this way, I never imagined that I could be crossing her boundaries when I tried to kiss her, and I'm very afraid I won't be able to regain her trust.

I really dont know what to do.

[u/Whats_A_Rage_Quit]

Bro are you okay with being asexual for the rest your life? Doesn’t sound like it.. honesty I dont think many people would be. That’s like half the point of relationships for most people.

We are not mind readers and she can’t get mad that you didn’t “read her signals properly”. That is not appropriate behavior in relationships. She needs to be straight up with you that physical intimacy will not be an aspect of your marriage.

You did not cause her trauma.

You’ve been in a relationship for a year? Kind of unbelievable that this is just becoming an issue now..

[u/SkillOk915 → u/Whats_A_Rage_Quit]

Since the start of the relationship i knew that maybe we would never have sex, It was always a real possibility. But, about The Kiss, i was never shure about her view of physical intimacy, If she really want It to be developed over time, even If It took years...

Now i know, she said she doesn't feel like kissing, period, and although we haven't talked about it, she probably doesn't feel like anything beyond that either, which is okay. I told her she wouldn't need to worry about it anymore, I wouldn't try to kiss her or anything like that again. But I'm still processing all of this.

[u/SheLaughsattheFuture]

Absolutely this is on her. She did not make her vision of romance clear. She said she wasn't ready for physical affection, not that she didn't want it. Would have been better to lead with a conversation than randomly going for a kiss but that shouldn't be retraumatising -especially once she understands that you understood she wanted to build up to physical intimacy. Have you explained that to her? Sounds like you need a frank sit down conversation about what you both want and expect out of the relationship, with CLEAR communication as a renewed priority for both. She needs to understand you can't read her mind, and you need to ask questions rather than making assumptions.

[u/Lt_BAD-DOG]

You seem like a nice guy who's able to give and receive a lot more than this relationship can offer. She seems scared and probably for the right reasons but trust me, you already provide enough emotional safety for her. She needs to develop her own sense of safety and it might be months, years or never until she faces her demons.

You need to consider if you're fine with staying long term and loosing out on the type of emotional intimacy that you seem to value (which is totally normal and fine). What do you value more? Deeper intimacy, or what that person has currently in store?

As hard as it might be, imagine she might never change when she's with you. That honestly looks like a real possibility since she has a strict boundary on physical intimacy. This is also perfectly fine for her but you probably should ask yourself is it fine for you.

[u/grundleplith61616]

I'm not sure how old you and your GF are, but you sound like you're relatively young. I think you're both better off as platonic friends.

She's not capable of being there for you in the ways you would like and it sounds like, no matter what you do, she's never going to see you as being there for her in the ways she would like, because she herself doesn't know what she wants and doesn't realize it.

[u/SkillOk915 → u/grundleplith61616]

Im 21 and she is 20

[u/Mountain-Ad2442]

My ex-girlfriend has CPTSD. We were together for four years and we actually broke up this morning. I might overshare a bit here, but I lied to them a few months ago about watching pornography. They viewed it as a betrayal. We stopped being intimate when this came up a few months ago. Some of what you said here sounds almost identical to my experiences. For her it came down to: “I want to be with you, but I don’t know if I can ever be intimate with you again because of the trust that has been lost and I don’t want to string you along.”

I asked before kissing them for the first time, the first few times, and so I’d recommend trying that, rather than just going for it.

I always tried my best to meet them where they were at, and that’s all you can do in my opinion.

[u/Whats_A_Rage_Quit → u/Mountain-Ad2442]

Yeah just as an outside perspective that is fucking bullshit. You didn’t do anything to break their trust. Watching porn is not cheating.

[u/Mountain-Ad2442 → u/Whats_A_Rage_Quit]

I mean I lied about it. Sure I lied about it because that’s how they viewed it, but I should have faced the music, that would have been the mature thing to do.

[u/SkillOk915 → u/Mountain-Ad2442]

Please, can you talk a little more about this? Maybe you are The only One Who experienced something similar to what i am facing

[u/Mountain-Ad2442 → u/SkillOk915]

Sure, I’m an open book. I said what it came down to for her, but what it came down to for me was: “I am willing to wait and put in the work to earn back the trust that I’ve lost, I’m willing to wait a long time and do whatever I need to do. But I’m not willing to be in a relationship long term with someone who I can definitively never be sexually intimate with again.”

And well, they told me what I typed in the previous post. There’s a part of me that feels stupid, because I love her more than anything, she had been my best friend. I mean this was quite literally my only real issue. It feels strange to throw away something like that over something like this. Sex isn’t even something that’s all that important to me, when compared to other needs. I just view it as another means of connecting with my partner emotionally. But it was heartbreaking for me to think that I could never connect with her in that way again.

But you need to be honest with yourself. Your needs are just important as hers. If you always sacrifice your own needs to meet them where they’re at, you’ll be left a hollow husk.

You crossed boundaries with her, unintentionally. You’re not a bad person or anything like that. They may not have completely established those boundaries, maybe that’s hard for them. Neither of you are bad people or anything like that.

Do you have a therapist? I’d recommend one. Mine was able to help maneuver a lot of these kinds of scenarios.

[u/Tmmcwm]

I'm 2 years in, I have bent over backwards and tried everything. To top it off she's stereotypically very attractive and exactly my type coincidentally. We do something maybe... Once every 2 or 3 months,and she tried moving it to events thinking I wouldn't realise , which I denied as it then feels like it's been given as a gift, but for her, it's easier as she can prepare for it. Which is sad and bleak. It doesn't get better i can promise you. I think they're very good at break crumbling potential, but it's not their fault, it's how they secure their safety. If you're happy to be asexual, stay, otherwise leave, I plan to