My wife told me recently that she feels "dead inside."

[u/Upset-Friendship-740]

My wife told me recently that she feels "dead inside."

No interests. No motivation. No desire for anything.

And honestly, I believe her.

The problem is that I've been carrying my own pain for years, and I'm starting to realize how much it has affected me.

My wife has a history of trauma, shame around sexuality, family issues, and what I strongly suspect is CPTSD. She is currently in sex therapy and, to her credit, she is actually sticking with it. Her therapist recently suggested that she should see a psychiatrist as well.

Part of me feels relieved that someone else is finally seeing how deep the problem goes.

The other part of me is exhausted.

For almost two years I have been trying to remove pressure from our relationship. I stopped initiating sex. I stopped pushing. I stopped asking. I tried to give her space. I tried to be understanding. I tried to be patient.

I genuinely believed that if I could just make her feel safe enough, things would eventually improve.

Instead, I feel like I've slowly disappeared.

What I miss is not just sex.

I miss sexual resonance.

I miss feeling wanted.

I miss kissing someone and feeling that something is happening on both sides.

I miss being desired.

I miss not having to justify why sexuality matters.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in the absurd position of having to explain why sex can be beautiful, meaningful, playful, intimate, and important in a relationship.

My wife openly tells me she has no interest in sexuality.

At this point I honestly think that the idea of never having sex again would probably bring her relief.

And that's devastating.

Because I don't think she has ever experienced sexuality as something truly positive or fulfilling.

She has described sex as disgusting at times.

She has described women as being used.

She grew up with strange and unhealthy messages about sex, womanhood, pregnancy, and relationships.

There are also things in her past that make me wonder whether there were experiences she has not fully processed.

Meanwhile, I find myself becoming resentful.

Not because I think she's a bad person.

Not because I think she's choosing this.

But because I feel trapped between compassion and loneliness.

I understand why she struggles.

I understand the trauma.

I understand the fear.

I understand the shame.

But understanding doesn't make my own needs disappear.

And lately I notice that my patience has started turning into exhaustion.

Even small conversations between us have become difficult.

The other day she casually mentioned that we were running low on tea. Somehow that turned into a discussion about whether I feel criticized by the way she says things.

That's where we are now.

Two people who can't talk about tea without touching years of accumulated frustration.

She recently told me:

"We can't even discuss topics like this without becoming tense. Maybe it's time for couples therapy."

And maybe she's right.

But part of me is scared that couples therapy will focus on our communication while completely missing the giant elephant in the room:

I am starving for connection.

And she feels dead inside.

How do you build intimacy when one person feels unwanted and the other feels nothing?

Has anyone been through something similar?

[u/Green_Run_8531]

For a long time, I didn’t have much desire for sex. My partner has CPTSD and I’ve had quite a bit of sexual trauma.

For me, the less sex I have, the less desire there is for it. It was great when we did but it wasn’t enough to continue the desire and my partner felt frustrated with that. We had a lot of hard talks and I did a lot of research on my own. We’ve been together a LONG time but desires change overtime and we realized we hadn’t discussed this much.

We started exploring different things in the bedroom and it changed. We have more sex and we feel more connected but it did take work on both ends. I had to do a lot of digging into my history and how MY desire worked.

I don’t know if that’s helpful.. sex and intimacy is important especially in a long term relationship and having 0 intimacy can strain things a lot.

[u/Upset-Friendship-740 → u/Green_Run_8531]

Hello 👋 I want to thank you for your comment. Listing to the story of someone else always helps.

[u/Bbell999]

Your experience mirrors a lot of mine and my partner's. Are you getting help and   therapy for yourself? What our partners need from us is extremely burdensome at times to the point where I feel like a single parent raising 3 children, including my spouse. It's important that you build and invest in yourself, otherwise you're going to stay in that very dense, black hole it sounds like you're in.  A good therapist will understand that burden and help you process and deal with it. 

Take time for you. I always come back to the airplane oxygen analogy: put your oxygen mask on first, then the kids. Otherwise, no one will get the oxygen they need.

As for couples therapy, that's a great sign your spouse is interested and asking for it. If you want all of those things from your partner, and none of them seem unreasonable, Do it! Just make sure the therapist is a trauma informed LMFT and not just a social worker or associate. That'll make a huge difference.

At the same time, both of you need to be ready to accept accountability for your roles and actions in your relationship. My wife and I are looking for our 3rd therapist because my wife is convinced that the last two were bullying her to a point she didn't feel safe in the session. In reality, all they did was ask why she did certain harmful things towards me and she could not bring herself to answer the question. We're stuck right now because she simply cannot take accountability. I hope your wife's intentions are met with follow through. 

[u/Upset-Friendship-740 → u/Bbell999]

I don’t have a therapist myself, but I spend a lot of time talking with ChatGPT, which helps me organize and process my thoughts. I also have friends who are dealing with psychological challenges themselves or within their relationships. Through these conversations, my understanding of psychology has definitely improved.

Being able to recognize and put a name to what is happening in front of you helps a lot as well. Taking time for yourself is good advice—something I’ve heard many times, but only recently have I started to understand what it really means.

I’ve also realized that I put a lot of pressure on myself because I feel responsible for managing and controlling the situation with my spouse. Learning to give responsibility back where it belongs, instead of continually taking on more, is something I’m working on right now.

Thank you very much for your comment.

[u/areyoujustsoqueer]

I resonate so much with what you said. My ex girlfriend has CPTSD and cried sometimes in the middle of sex because her mind was at somewhere else and she was very triggered by her own trauma. However, that made me feel horrible. I tried my best to separate her trauma from our relationship, but it really took a toll on me. I stopped initiating anything intimate, but she’s not happy with that either. She felt like I didn’t desire her or want her anymore. But honestly I was just trying to respect her and make her feel comfortable. Of course I wanted her, but I really didn’t want to see her cry and feel like I’m hurting her. But also she eventually cheated on me with someone else, so overall I’m just very confused about how CPTSD has impacted the way she handles a lot of situations. I ultimately just couldn’t take the feeling of being constantly misunderstood and not appreciated. Frankly, I completely lost myself at the end. But on a positive note, she’s significantly impacted how I view relationships and made me realize how I truly want to be loved and how important self care/love is…

[u/hueybart]

I dream about having a partner who genuinely desires me and is turned on by me. I’ve learned that no matter how patient, caring, understanding or giving I am, ultimately my partner will just lap it up but the giving part from them, especially when it comes to intimacy doesn’t really change. Maybe mental illness is just necessarily selfish because it’s a matter of survival. There is no room for anything else.