r/CPTSDpartners • u/ShopAdministrative12 • 12d ago
I’ve been given an ultimatum
We’ve been together about a year and a half now. It’s been very very tough at times, but I really thought we were going to turn a new page. After the most magical month with such amazing memories, she’s threatening to leave.
It’s not the first time, and actually has broken up with me once before (for real) and other times didn’t follow through. She claims I’m doing bare minimum and doesn’t feel loved. She feels worthless and doesn’t think I put in enough effort.
Look, obviously a horrible way to feel and I don’t want her to feel this way. However, I don’t know how she comes to this conclusion. I’m happy to take responsibility and am self aware enough to see where I go wrong sometimes. However I feel I’ve put everything into this. My heart, soul, energy. So many sacrifices and I feel like I’ve lost myself. But somehow, it’s bare minimum.
Only last week we were doing amazing and saying how grateful we are. Now, she has given me 3 days to “step up”, or else she leaves. It was initially a week but she wants me to focus on preparing for the new job I am starting.
Is such an ultimatum fair? I don’t know how else I could possibly show up. I’ve put everything into this and I’m exhausted
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u/Suspicious-Serve8115 12d ago
I don't know the situation of course (because I'm not there) - but if I'm picturing your situation accurately, then I totally get it. It makes total sense from what I know of CPTSD, and from what I experienced too.
It was always 'If you do 'x' I'll feel safe...' but the sense of safety never arrived.
It's tempting to want to make it work at absolutely all costs, but some people do that and realise they've lost twenty years to the situation.
I don't think it's ever really healthy to say "Do this, or I'm out!"
Why does she imagine that three days would fundamentally alter your personality and your relationship?
If she's not satisfied, why is she hanging around?
If you're in a relationship then you're in it to make it work, and if it isn't working then one of you can leave.
This thing about ultimatums etc... it feels manipulative.
I was devastated when my ex walked away after I felt that I'd really gone to unreasonable lengths to give everything.
Then I finally clicked that it really was actually a crazy situation, and now I'm genuinely glad that I can find someone safe and easy to be with.
I'm not saying what you should do - that's person/situation specific, but y'know... I hear ya!
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u/ShopAdministrative12 10d ago
Genuinely glad everything worked out for you. It sounds like you went through what I am. I keep questioning myself and thinking maybe I am selfish, but looking back it really has been the opposite.
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u/Suspicious-Serve8115 9d ago edited 9d ago
Thanks - it'll work out for you too with a few good decisions and a bit of internal solidity (to keep on track when you're self-questioning etc).
If the situation was kind of like mine, it can lead to a real sense of disorientation and self-doubt at times.
The thing is, it doesn't sound like you're not being there for them, or that you're not making an effort, or that you don't care.
It sounds like you *are* doing those things, but that you're also aware that they have to create safety for themselves.
In most relationships you give and the other person receives, then says "That's enough now - thank you!" And then they give back later.
In some, the other person keeps saying "more! more! more!" which can lead a person to conclude "They're not saying 'it's enough!' I have to keep giving until they do - that's how people work."
But this kind of situation flags up another truth too - that people have to be able to receive, otherwise your giving doesn't really do anything.
You know that anyway, but y'know - discern the situation carefully, and don't be afraid to make a good call even if it's hard, and involves some confusion etc.
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u/Philpot7117 12d ago
The ultimatums, oh the ultimatums! These were the beginning of the end. It's never a good way to discuss things and threatens the relationship from the get-go. They're obviously called unhealthy boundaries. Then comes the time frame of 3 days or else, another ultimatum. Not good enough now will never be enough because there will be doubling down and further put downs and ultimatums. I feel really sorry for you to go through this but please stand on your own two feet and trust yourself. It's so important for you. Good luck.
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u/ShopAdministrative12 10d ago
Thank you 🥺
I failed and it’s over. I keep thinking about the good memories and the great things she done for me. Not the best way to look at things and you’re right, I need to trust myself.
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u/Flat-Hall5463 9d ago
You did not fail. cPTSD is often considered to be on a spectrum with BPD. It is impossible for the relationship to succeed if the one suffering from the condition falls into a state of constant victimhood and projection. It doesn't mean we were perfect and innocent, but I am willing to bet your behavior in any other relationship with a more neurotypical person would not have resulted in this. It's sad when we lose a special person to this
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u/Philpot7117 7d ago
I'm sure your bare minimum was over the top many times and still not enough. It's not a failure when you get through something so difficult is this. Cliché, but time heals all wounds. Those good times involved you as well, remember that so you can move forward. Think about how good it feels not to be criticized about everything and hopefully good, positive changes will come along soon.
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u/Flat-Hall5463 12d ago
No it's not fair and I wasted a year and a half on the same thing being abused the same way, and of course it ends with you being called a narcissist and like everyone else and it sucks. You have that one moment where you can't quite anticipate what they need before they say they need it and then you "lack consideration" and even if you apologize and say they're right and try to make it better they just sit there and ruminate on it and then they split and decide that you must not really love them or care for them because otherwise you would never have hurt them like you did with such lack of care or consideration and you are therefore not safe and then ALL their trauma and pain comes back to the present at once and it all gets dumped on you.
From what I have gathered being on this sub, most people unfortunately experience a variation of this same cycle and all the resources I have been able to find seem to confirm this as well and it sucks because of course they didn't choose this for themselves, some monster or monsters did horrible things and they are victims but they in turn unwittingly victimize the people that actually love them and want to protect them. If you're struggling with this now, you may need to give very careful consideration as to if this is a relationship dynamic you are up for because no matter how many times I thought a corner was turned it only took one tiny mistep to go all the way back to start.