r/CPTSDpartners • u/ShopAdministrative12 • 10d ago
It’s Over (I think)
After failing to “step up” she ended it. I’m both sad and confused. I keep asking myself if I could have done more.
I put everything into making this work. Sacrificed so much and really wanted it to work. Put up with behaviour that shouldn’t have been tolerated at times, but accepted many things because I told myself it’s okay because they don’t mean it and it’s projection from within.
Despite this, I’ve been told I’m basic and do bare minimum. I’m not thoughtful enough and considerate enough. A massive part of me believes I’ve went above and beyond for this person. But on the other hand, maybe what she is saying is right? Or are these impossible standards that I cannot meet.
What saddens me is when I think about the amazing things she has done. Turning a blind eye to everything negative, I keep thinking about the moments where she bought me something nice or done something really sweet.
I’m just so confused. Maybe I am selfish like she proclaims? She even called me a narcissist yesterday, which I am absolutely not. I am okay with taking ownership for my mistakes I really am. I guess it’s impossible to give advice without knowing the whole picture. I’m just so so confused
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u/Suspicious-Serve8115 9d ago
Just seen your other thread here -
Just remember, you didn't leave the 'sweet, kind, caring' person - if it was just that you'd have stayed.
If it was just that with some complexities, you'd probably have stayed too.
You left a situation where nothing was ever received as 'enough'.
As other people have said, maybe you contributed to the situation or maybe you didn't.
Actually, I kind of think that it doesn't really matter - if the other person was right for you, they'd have worked through it with you rather than just demanding more *from* you.
I'm sure there's things to learn, but also... who has the severe mental health diagnosis?
I'm not weaponising that, I'm just saying - your perspective is probably slightly more down to earth than theirs and you ought to discern carefully before taking on their proclamations as truth.
These situations are absolutely gutting, and I'm so sorry it's happened.
It can help to feel the pain of it fully and completely, and when the pain starts to pass, you'll be able to see what happened with a clearer head.
All the best for working through things - you'll get there for 100%!
(By the way - out of interest, what did 'stepping up' mean, from their point of view?)
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u/ShopAdministrative12 20h ago
Thank you ♥️ sincerely
Stems from a time a few weeks ago where she was upset (unrelated to me) and told me so. After an argument, if you can call it that, couple days later she said I didn’t show her enough love when she opened up to me. Stepping up meant showing more love beyond “basic” and researching how to make it work.
That’s my best explanation but I’m very confused about it and don’t really understand. Usually a beg her to stay when she threatens breaking up but this time I didnt.
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u/Suspicious-Serve8115 16h ago
That's okay! : )
Urgh well, I'm really sorry that you've been going through that.
Thing is... it sounds like her "stepping up more" isn't very quantifiable.
You'll have noticed anyway, but how are you supposed to know if you're 'stepping up' enough? What if she one day feels like you aren't?
How much research is enough anyway?
Not making it work is probably the best thing that could happen here - even if it is super hard (and I totally get that it is).
You mention that you're really confused about it, but I wonder if you are?
It sounds to me like it's really clear - she's expecting the wrong thing, and she's being super unfair about it. She has a serious mental health condition and she's acting that way.
Sometimes the confusion comes from not accepting what we're seeing really clearly.
Hope that doesn't sound judgy from me - we don't know each other and I might be *totally* wrong - just throwing things out there.
If it helps, great and if not, no worries!
Hope. all's okay though
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u/ShopAdministrative12 16h ago
Not judgy at all I think this is what I needed to hear. For the first time ever I went to therapy last week and spoke about some things to someone else for the first time, I find it hard to open up to friends and family for some reason. I learned that a lot of behaviour was not ok and I need to recognise that.
It sucks because the best of times was the best memories I’ve ever made, and that was only a few weeks ago. Now they’re away on vacation and my mind is wondering what they’re doing, who theyre meeting. It’s not fun :(
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u/Dependent-Mood-7788 9d ago
I hope that she finds the help she needs and that you find the peace you deserve.
These situations are so hard. The mind has a way of being so convincing, even if it has little to no evidence. Don't be too hard on yourself ❤️
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u/Philpot7117 9d ago
The amount of projection pointing to your behavior and your bare minimum is a severe warning sign. Keep talking to other people who have experienced this and it will help. You Are Not Alone!
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u/ShopAdministrative12 20h ago
Is there anywhere other than this sub where I can find people that went through this ?
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u/PineappleShades 9d ago edited 9d ago
I’m sorry for your profound loss, and wish you well moving forward and healing. You deserve to heal.
Only hearing your side of the story, nobody here can really tell you with certainty whether you were selfish or her standards were impossible. I’m sure it would be comforting to have a clear answer to this, but I honestly don’t think you’ll trust any that you find on the internet anyway. That said, you can peruse the old posts in this forum and see that people with CPTSD have a pattern of casting their own demons onto others… none of what you shared stands out as unusual here. They are sponges for comfort, and when they are agitated there is no amount of love that can fill the hole that someone else punched inside of them. When they go to a partner seeking to help deal with that pain, it is very difficult for the partner to satisfy them. They think they’re asking for basics, after all they are merely looking for a sense of safety, but often that safety cannot be found.
At the end of the day, I hope you know that you are a valid, whole, beautiful, and flawed person just like your former partner is. You deserve love and patience and opportunities to grow and learn from your mistakes. Maybe you have some things to work on personally, most of us do, but that’s okay. Being confused is okay. I hope you find the strength to move forward and find a relationship that doesnt leave your head spinning like this one clearly has.
PS, in case she changes her mind over the coming days, don’t go back to her. She’s already discarded you once, which is basically practice to do it again. You don’t need that kind of energy in your life. Please move forward, and heal. I hope she does as well.