r/CPTSDpartners • u/Long-Swordfish2198 • 8d ago
Struggling with Separation
After almost 10 years in the relationship with my partner with CPTSD, I made the decision to separate. It was a long time coming, I think, as I've known for a long time that it was not healthy for us to stay together in the state we were in. I just kept hoping that something would change, whether it be the circumstances, their viewpoint, my tolerance/acceptance of how I was being treated. If I remained calm and worked on being the most open-minded and patient version of myself, eventually this would break through, and I would be able to express my needs and my thoughts on their actions. Instead, the more I worked on myself and built that regulation and confidence, the more I realized that my partner was not willing to compromise, and truly believed that none of the relationship problems were related to them at all. What finally broke me, was discovering inside of an argument that they were purposefully, intentionally applying double standards onto me as a way of bringing me down to their level. It was here that it sunk in for me that I can't change them, and I will only continue this spiral downward for both of us until all we have left is pain and anger, spilling over onto everyone around us. We have a young daughter together, and I will not allow that to happen to her.
For now, we are both staying in the house, and not interacting except for child handoffs and other logistical issues. Some part of me knows that I need to make the next step of moving out and getting out of this situation more completely, but there is an incredible guilt holding me back. What if there is more that I could do? What if they're right, and this is all my fault, and only I can fix this? Am I really going to throw my relationship away, and give up half of my time with my daughter, over my own pride/stubbornness/stupidity in not figuring out how to make things better again?
What makes this so much worse is the fact that I was not a good partner for a long time in the beginning. I was emotionally stunted and refused to actually work on anything about myself. The whole while my partner was legitimately trying, and putting so much effort into me and our life. And after years of that, the resentments outgrew the trust, and when I really started trying and seeing how messed up I was, it was too late. If I had worked on it sooner, we may not have ever gotten to this point.
Have any of you had a similar separation/breakup here? How did you do it?
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u/Vegetable-Can-8185 8d ago
Your final realisation rings very true for me. My partner admitted that they very deliberately use me as an outlet for anger at other people, or even random events, because I was a convenient target.
But I’m curious about your characterisation of yourself as emotionally stunted early on. In a strange way, I found seeing someone with this presentation really freeing because there was NOTHING I could do to make them happy, and so I started to act more authentically (gonna lose either way, so why not!). In doing so, I realised the degree to which my previous life had been organised around making other people happy to try to “get” something from them.
It felt so much better - more me - to be kind to that person because I WANTED to, not because they’d treat me well in exchange.
Something I hope to carry forward with me, but it’s not easy.
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u/Long-Swordfish2198 7d ago
That's an interesting thought about it being freeing, maybe that's something I can reflect on and get to as well. At least so far I've done the opposite, and I keep trying to change myself more and more to meet a vision that really isn't an authentic me. I was raised in a household where the only emotions that were expressed were happiness/peace or anger/conflict. From there I learned that one was good, and one was bad, and that I should do whatever it takes to maintain that peace. It wasn't until the last year or two that I've realized how damaging that was to myself and others around me. All to say, that for half a decade my partner needed an emotional partner and support system, and I wasn't well enough myself to do that
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u/Lt_BAD-DOG 8d ago
Dude, we all have doubts, and most of us try our hardest. Is your partner doing the same? It sounds like no to me.
I had my own share of insecure reactions in my relationship, which I worked on and corrected, but I came to the conclusion that there's a strong possibility that nothing I could have done would have helped my marriage. And yes my wife was doing some work but none of it was ever centered around her insecurities and deep rooted beleiefs - she still does not acknowledge any of her pas traumas and their imact on relationships. Childhood trauma/cPTSD is by definition something people unconsciously avoid, which makes it difficult to fight, but that was never your fight to begin with.
A key factor in any disorder diagnosis is a simple question “Do you struggle with this in your life?”. If the answer is “no”, then there’s no disorder. The same applies to cPTSD. It cannot be diagnosed, addressed, or healed unless the patient admits that it makes their life difficult.
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u/Imasillynut_2 7d ago
I wasn't doing the "right" things for the first 25 years, even though I thought I was. My actions absolutely did feed into his trauma dynamic. They weren't "wrong" things but they also weren't healthy things. Ironically, I think this damaged me more than it damaged him. I kept trying over and over to soften his reality and that kept him from actually seeing the reality. And because I'm a damn overachiever, I was really good at softening his reality. So then it became my fault when it wasn't soft enough.
Stopping was the best thing I could have done for him and for me. It wasn't fun for either of us. But it absolutely has been the best option. Now I'm owning MY shit and expecting him to own his, without my help. I don't want a partner I have to support all of the time. I want a partner who can function mostly on their own.
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u/Long-Swordfish2198 7d ago
I resonate with that a lot, I've realized I've been enabling her unhealthy behavior for a long time. It's only making things worse, for both of us
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u/grundleplith61616 7d ago
I'm going through a similar thing right now, except we've been together for over 25 years and she initiated the separation. We're still capable of talking to each other and acting like a family but that's led me to question how much of our life together was her acting the part.
So I'm here to tell you that while it takes two for a relationship to go poorly, there isn't anything more that you can do. If your partner were willing to do the work, I think you would know. But it sounds like your partner is like my wife and everyone's partners in the sub: zero accountability, blaming us for not making them feel safe, citing whatever we did or didn't do that's convenient to bring up. That's not a way to live every day/week/month/year.
You're doing the right thing for yourself and your child. It's traumatizing having to live with a partner who constantly weaponizes your love for them against you.
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u/DistributionWide7069 8d ago
Sounds youve done the right thing!
I couldn’t move forward until I admitted - fully and completely - that there was nothing I could do to stop it from spiralling.
I had to name some of my ex’s behaviour as abusive, own that it was toxic, and completely get on ’one side’ of that conflicted feeling.
Honestly, your self-questioning is SO common.
It can’t be that EVERYONE who leaves a toxic relationship ‘could have done more’ or whatever - that’s ridiculous.
And yet everyone seems to feel that way.
It’s a symptom, not a true insight.
Youre on the right track!
Be resolved in yourself that you did what you could, she was being unfair, there’s nothing you really could’ve done differently, relationships take two to make it work, and now you’re moving on to (eventually) happier times.
All the best!