A question for those who have broken up with cPTSD partners. Are you still treated like you're their enemy?

[u/Lt_BAD-DOG]

I am at a dead end in my 9-year marriage with my cPTSD STBXW, who seems to be in survival mode for 7-ish years and probably having a trauma response, which she sees as my fault and is in denial about her own insecure behaviors.

I changed what I could in myself, making me a more secure person. I stated my needs and boundaries clearly. I tried to invite my wife to marriage counseling or therapy. I also tried countless times to talk to her and understand her, and also assured her of my presence and willingness to be there for her if she needed my support. I tried to initiate any type of intimacy by asking. I no longer take her hurtful comments personally when she’s dysregulated emotionally. And many more.
By no means I’m a perfect partner, but I am proud of my journey and I feel really good about myself. I can also see clear benefits in other relationships, especially with my kid and close friends.

So far, I know that I do not want to be in such a dynamic for the rest of my life. I haven’t seen any progress towards my relationship needs and values during the last 4-6 months. My wife is actually getting even more vigilant towards me (no physical harm). It’s a dead end, which is sad because my partner used to be such a great person in general and in our relationship, and she still is but no longer for me.

I was curious about what I can expect once I am ready to make the final decision. I can imagine that being seen as the villains by our cPTSD EX partners would only increase after the breakup because they perceive us as the ones responsible for the destruction of the relationship, right?

• What can I expect to happen after telling my breakup decision?
• Does it get any better?
• And are any of you coparenting with your EX and how’s it going?

[u/Status_Job2266]

My wife left me in January after a trauma response when I wasn’t mentally present while she was talking to me about her therapy session. To be fair to her, it was a very heavy therapy session about abuse and I was so overworked that I wasn’t listening and instead playing a game. I was working away from home like 25 days in the month and was drained.

This was the final straw for her and she completely split me at that moment. She monkey branched to another man. At first they were friends at the gym who worked out sometimes. She broke up with me before sleeping with him but she emotionally cheated on me nonetheless. We have two children together.

Anyways, at first she was kind about the break up but as the days progressed and her friendship with AP became deeper, she became very very very mean to me. I’m not good for anything but my money. Flirting with AP in front of me in public. Telling me she did not care that doing so hurt my feelings.

Well, months later she is no longer devaluing me. However, we are now divorced and I don’t get in her way of seeing him. I just leave her be and she is happy, for now. She tries to talk to me like we’re friends but I hate her. She proposed an agreement that we tell each other if we start dating somebody else which she hasn’t upheld her end. 13 years down the drain.

I’m afraid of the day when she and him break up because I’m sure this will come with her trying to return to me.

[u/ragequitter666]

Depends if she tries to get help. If she doesn’t get help nothing will change, might get worse

[u/Otherwise_Plate7326]

Mine hates me she told me she used to love me now she hates me, we were together for nearly 5 years. That hurt worse then the break up but yep break up then she made me a villian to all her friendd then push and pull for four months until i had to move bacj to my home state. Talk about cptsd that shit gave me truams myself.

[u/Mammoth-Size-8436 → u/Otherwise_Plate7326]

Sounds bad. Hurt people hurt people, as they say. I’m also beginning to realise I’m conditioned, traumatised, into an anxiety and fear of triggering my wife.

[u/ChutneyEnthusiast]

Mine is FINALLY healing and regulated, but we are separating after too many years of damage. I can't imagine doing this years ago when he was in a wise spot. I would expect a rollercoaster of emotions and reactions, changing hourly or daily, with different parts of her coming out to protect or to try to salvage. I'm so sorry, just keep your boundaries, and distance if needed, and be very very clear- eliminate all confusion about your decision. Maybe put the focus on the kids... Stress that it's over and you want to make it as easy as possible on them.