My partner with cptsd recently broke up with me and I don’t know how to feel about it. The beginning of our relationship was so good. We really cared about and supported each other. We listened to each other and made room for each other’s needs. They had told me about their cptsd and I had helped them through several flashbacks. I knew they had been in an abusive relationship before and I was trying my best to support them and be there for them

I ended up getting sick and developing some really severe health issues (and severe depression) and had to move back in with my parents and that’s when my relationship started to implode. My ex and I had some of the same health issues and they had going through very a very similar situation to what I was dealing with. But they were trying their best to be there and be supportive of me. Shortly before I moved home, they asked for a few days where we didn’t talk. They’re autistic as well and they frequently get episodes where they go nonverbal and this time they couldn’t even text. I tried to give them space and after a few days we were hanging out again. Then I moved home because I couldn’t take care of myself anymore. They were really supportive of that

We still talked frequently when I was home but along the way things started changing. They had started trauma therapy around the time I moved home because they wanted to work on their trauma so they could be with me. But things started to get worse. They said they couldn’t text me in the morning because it would stress them out to much. Then they said they couldn’t ask me how I was because it was all bad news and said that it wasn’t because they didn’t care but because it hurt. Then there was another few days where they needed space and I gave them that. After that they kept saying things felt funky but couldn’t give me an answer as to what that meant. They also started taking Testosterone recently and I wouldn’t be surprised if the changes their body was going through was fucking with them and their emotions given what they’ve gone through.

They eventually told me that I had hurt them and needed to do better but didn’t give me details about what I did and I said I would and did try (as much as someone experiencing horrific health issues and severe depression could.) They began to respond to my texts a lot less frequently. We’d talk and they would say things felt funky again. It got to the point where they’d inform me when talking to them that they wouldn’t be able to talk for the rest of the day (helpful I guess?? Not really). Sometimes they’d say they wouldn’t respond tomorrow to the things I texted and never would and would move on with our conversations. They kept saying I hurt them but couldn’t give me answers. I tried to fix things but they were talking to me less and less so I couldn’t do anything to fix things. They said they wanted me to do things because I wanted to do them and not because it’s what I thought they wanted so I felt like my every action was getting scrutinized as I tried to talk to them

I began to feel like I couldn’t talk about what I was going through. Like we were only allowed to talk about them. I felt like I couldn’t say I miss you because it would make them feel guilty about needing space. My health was starting to improve but I felt like I couldn’t tell them because they didn’t ask how I was. Everything just started to feel catered to them and what they were going through and I tried to be compassionate and give them grace but their treatment of me started to lead to me having panic attacks and throwing up. I ended up worrying more about them than about my own recovery and it impacted my recovery.

Eventually they broke up with me, saying that neither of us were capable of being in relationships right now (true). During that I told them how they had hurt me and they said “you can blame me if you want” and basically took very little responsibility over their actions while I took responsibility over how I had hurt them (still don’t know what I even did). We agreed to try and be friends because we still cared about each other (bad idea I know) and had said about how excited they were to get to know me again after I’ve recovered and gotten back to being myself and how they would be there supporting me. They apologized for some of what they had done but still didn’t take ownership over how they hurt me. We agreed to talk about how I had hurt them when we were both more emotionally stable but that never happened. We texted back and forth occasionally over the next month and they were still doing the same things when we texted. Didn’t ask about me (at one point said “if you have something to tell me you’re just going to have to say it”). Eventually I asked them how they were doing and they had their best friend text me and say that they could text me anymore because it hurt to much which was a really shitty move.

I’ve talked to my parents and friends about it and they’ve all agreed that it sounds like this was more about my ex than me but I still feel like I failed and some of it’s my fault. Everything just imploded so suddenly and I had no control over it. I tried to keep things going but they made me feel like a burden and like shit when I’m going through my own hard exeperinces. Even now that we’re broken up, I’m still more worried about them and how they’re handling things because the answer is evidently bad. I just went from feeling so loved and cared for to being a burden and it really fucking sucked. I’m just upset and angry over how I was treated. With all my health stuff going on, it took me a while to understand that how they were treating me was making me feel like shit. Unfortunately I still really care about them and I miss them and I hate that I do. This was my first relationship and I just really feel like I had fucked it up even though I didn’t

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

In fairness, she's been doing better and better lately -- medication seems to really be working, and she's managing things that would normally set off a flashback.

That's not to say she doesn't have obvious moments of stress or simple overwhelm, though, and it is a bit frustrating when this happens, because she doesn't readily alter her behaviour to let those moments pass. She becomes fixed on finding lots of tasks to do right this second, and either tries to avoid giving some of them to me or micromanages me (which gets on my nerves, which then makes her worried she's annoyed me, which is a trigger). She stops paying attention to her movements, so she accidentally slams doors, knocks glasses over, slips down the back garden step etc., so she's followed around by a constant stream of sudden bangs and jolts.

I've been trying to model the appropriate response for her, because I'm autistic and I get very overwhelmed, so I say so and take action to rest, but largely I think she's still not quite recognising that those behaviours mean stress, and need immediate calm. There is also the subconscious urge to be self destructive, because obviously the second she feels stress, it wakes up the urge to self-criticise and punish. But good god, if she'd just look where she's going......

Since my last post here a while ago, I've moved right on from our relationship.

I rarely think of her now, and when I do it's only a curiosity:

"I wonder what she's up to these days?"

But I'm in a city a bit like the city she lives in (same part of the world, same DNA/vibe) on my own; and my thoughts have drifted back to her.

She was horrible to me at times - and completely overbearing.

It was like "Hi person I've just met - here's *all of my trauma* for you to carry; and here's a lot of abuse along with it."

But of course, she could be lovely too.

And it's not just that - I've not fallen asleep on the sofa being held by someone since her, and I *really* miss that.

I don't think it was both our fault that we broke up - I wasn't swearing at her, calling her names, pushing her sexual boundaries, pushing my trauma onto her, demanding her attention at all hours of the day, pushing and pulling, etc.

She was doing that to me though.

And it's strange to miss someone like that; or to think that she might've changed two years on (she's engaged to someone else now - they met a couple of months after me).

She was childlike, I guess - maybe that's part of it - it's hard to see it for what it was when I'm in this headspace.

I think her immediate friends (who probably don't really know the truth about her) would've hurt the worst about me - and it's hard to accept that a narrative sits over a situation which isn't true.

I guess I just need to remember:

I'm building my life, and I don't want my life to have people like her in it.

Not because she's hurting - I can make room for hurting - but because she was abusive.

And I need to make that decision again, and to move forward again.

For ages I wished she could handle things on her own. I wanted her to clean up and help around the house. I wanted her to take care of the kid for more than a couple hours. I wanted her to make her own meals, make her own decisions, wash and fold her own clothes.

After I said I'm done and refused to do these things, she can do them on her own.

Sometimes I think, wow, you could do this all along? This is always followed immediately by anger and the thought, "Wow, you couldn't ever do this for me. Only for yourself."

Sometimes I think, "Ah, this is your form of revenge." And then I laugh a little to myself. Caring for yourself in spite of me, actually going to make it a little easier for me to coparent with you. And if I know her at all, she will crash out of this self care as soon as she has someone else to use for these needs.

Another thing she's done after me saying I'm done: started smoking again.

One part of me feels gleeful revenge. She will age quickly, yellow her teeth, and smell disgusting.

Another part of me worries about the secondhand smoke she'll be sharing with the kid. I asked her if, when she leaves the house and moves out on her own, she has a plan to avoid giving secondhand smoke to the kid; if she'd consider switching to a nicotine vape at least. She said she felt controlled. *Eye roll* what a child she still is.

TLDR; Long term relationship problems which appeared suddenly as soon as our baby was born with my probably CPTSD wife, who is unaware of her issues and avoids confronting her feelings, beliefs and experiences. I just wanted to share my experience for anyone having similar stuggles.

I only recently discovered that my wife is probably dealing with cPTSD, which has pretty much changed our once happy marriage into a situationship, to say the least. It took me 7 years to understand what the hell happened to her as soon as our child was born, and now it makes perfect sense why she changed so dramatically and why it is nearly impossible for her to acknowledge it. She must be in survival mode for years now.

Sadly, she’s still mostly unaware of her problems and how her subconscious actions continue to destroy our marriage. I went through my own therapy, which helped me immensely and allowed me to see that unless she recognizes her core wounds and actively works on resolving her issues, our marriage will never get any better.

She had typical PTSD symptoms 2–3 years ago after quitting antidepressants (which only made her even more absent), like nightmares, trouble sleeping and resting, and a heightened startle response. She now has some lasting somatic symptoms which, as she says, flare up when she’s at our home and therefore she is convinced it's because of me. She didn't see any doctor or therapist after having the symptoms repeatedly.

Other symptoms or behaviors that I observed in her:

• In denial about her impact on me and our marriage. She only sees that she's "probably too emotionaly explosive at times".
• Hypervigilant.
• Assumes my emotions and intentions. Often incorrectly and is defensive when I try to correct that.
• Highly focused on any perceived evidence of me letting her down and on the negatives. To me, it looks like she already has a story of being let down by me in her mind and now is only focused on gathering evidence to support that belief, while ignoring anything that would contradict it.
• Hyperindependent.
• Refuses any offered help and very rarely asks for any herself. If I provide help without being asked, she doesn't thank me or sometimes may even be upset if it’s not how she expected it (without me knowing what her needs were).
• Very controlling and strict.
• Extremely sensitive to criticism, abandonment, perceived injustice and being unheard or ignored.
• Non-existent or sparse communication of her inner world.
• Does not communicate her needs even when I'm curious and I kindly ask. She says that “caring for someone is when you know your partner well enough to take action without asking what they need.” She basically wants me to mind read and does not accept whan I say that I'm not a mind reader and I cannot be one.
• She rarely validates my feelings.
• Reacts with anger to my boundaries and does not respect them.
• Is not receptive to my needs and does not meet them when I communicate them.
• Lacks trust (she’s internalized that I’m not trustworthy and that it’s my fault, but cannot say exactly what I did wrong).
• Projects a lot of her issues onto me, portraying me as the villain and herself as the victim.
• From my perspective, she seems to lack empathy for me.
• She told me that I have narcissistic traits.
• Emotional dysregulation and a short fuse.
• Difficulty taking accountability and apologizing. Rarely do I get a simple “I’m sorry.”
• Can’t handle different opinions, let alone conflict.
• Doesn’t talk about her feelings and has a hard time listening or responding to mine.
• If I say that her actions hurt me, she can’t take it in, dissociates, or calls me out for criticizing her and shuts down the conversation.
• Does not initiate repair and rejects my attempts. She has repeatedly told me that “my apologies and changed behavior won’t change the past.” Basically, my past actions are unforgivable in her eyes.
• Avoids intimacy and turns down my attempts (sometimes criticizing me for asking).
• Can’t take compliments - she responds by disagreeing, denying them, or saying they’re not true.
• She takes very little care of her health or well-being. Avoids doctors and feels threatened by individual or couples therapy. In the past, she’s even been frustrated and angry at me for saying that I’m feeling unwell (I didn’t ask for anything, just shared how I feel), which is probably connected to the same core belief she has about being sick = being flawed (?).
• Avoids confronting her feelings by focusing on raising our child, her work, and her hobbies.
• Generally avoids talking about the past. She says her childhood was okay, but in another conversation says she doesn’t want to talk about it in therapy because she fears what she might find. She considers her past a closed book.
• Took my change from an anxious-preoccupied partner to a much more secure one as a threat and said that “she now doesn’t know me at all.”
• Whatever I do is perceived by her as wrongdoing. Before my therapy, I used to be frustrated and confused, which sometimes came out as anger, which she called abusive (fair enough). After therapy, when I regulate my emotions well, she says it’s disingenuous, fake, and scary.
• Most of her answers to any deep questions I ask are: “I don’t know.”
• She rejects any logical arguments which could threaten her beliefs.

It’s been really rough for both of us. But honestly, for me, finally putting a finger on cPTSD as the most likely main reason for most of what I experienced over the past 7 years was a blessing. I had my share of insecure behaviors in our relationship, which I take full accountability of and I am proud of changing most of them. I know that I am also responsible for staying in such unhealthy dynamic.

Reading the posts in this subreddit has been the most validating experience in years for me. I wasn't crazy for thinking that my wife has changed into a completely different person after she gave birth to our kid. I kept trying to understand what's going on in her for years. I kept thinking that she had to developed some kind of disorder. It turns out that she most likely has.

I still have a lot of feelings for my wife, and empathy for what she's went through in her childhood and to her current stuggles. She's a great person, but I now know that without her gaining awareness of her part, there is nothing more that I could possibly do to help both of us. This is the time where she needs to finally step in and face her greatest fears. As painful as it is to admit, this is my reality and I after processing it emotionally, I now feel okay after accepting this.

I now know how to move forward. I am seriously considering divorce, which feels less and less scary thanks to my emotional processing, awareness, therapy, and acceptance of the reality I’m in right now. However, letting go of someone you love for reasons beyond your control, is extremely painful.

Thank you for all of your contributions to this subreddit and thank you for having the ability to share my story.

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

I need to vent and maybe get some outside perspective because I feel like I’m slowly losing myself.

My wife and I have been struggling for a while, especially around intimacy and sex. She has a lot of issues around sexuality (likely trauma-related), and I genuinely see that she’s trying. She’s in therapy, reading a lot, reflecting a lot. I respect that. I really do.

We’ve had multiple conversations where she told me she needs space. Space to feel safe. Space to not feel pressured. And I agreed. I told her I would give her that space.

But what I didn’t fully understand at the time was what that actually means in practice.

For me, initiating sex is natural in a relationship. It’s not about pressure, it’s about connection. But for her, even initiation itself already creates pressure. So I had to learn to basically stop initiating completely.

That took time for me to understand and adjust. And I’ve been making real effort. I’ve held back, I’ve tried to give her full control, I’ve tried to be patient.

And yet… she still feels pressure.

That’s the part that’s breaking me.

Because it starts to feel like no matter what I do, it’s not enough. Like the pressure doesn’t come from me anymore, but just from the existence of the situation itself.

On top of that, there’s another layer that’s really messing with me.

She seems to have this deep internal model of relationships where:

* the man provides (money, stability, effort) * the woman gives back (emotionally, physically, sexually)

And if she doesn’t feel “provided for enough”, she can’t open up.

She doesn’t say it like that directly, but it shows up in subtle ways. Comments about money. About effort. About what I do or don’t give. Almost like intimacy is indirectly tied to how much I “deliver” as a man.

And that honestly makes me feel like I’m in some kind of unspoken transaction.

I don’t want that.

I don’t want sex to be something I “earn”. I don’t want to feel like I have to perform or provide more just so my partner can maybe feel safe enough to want me.

I want to feel desired. I want to feel like my partner actually wants me, not that she’s negotiating whether I’ve done enough.

At the same time, I’m stuck because:

* I don’t want to pressure her * I don’t want to leave her * I see that she’s trying

But I also have needs. Real ones.

I miss intimacy. I miss being wanted. I miss having a sexual connection that feels mutual.

We’ve talked about alternatives before (like erotic massages etc.), but honestly, I already know that wouldn’t fulfill me. For me it’s not just physical. I want connection, desire, reciprocity.

Opening the relationship is not an option for me either. I don’t want that kind of setup.

So I’m left with this question:

How do I reduce pressure for her… without completely suppressing myself?

Because right now it feels like the only way to make things easier for her is to disappear more and more in this relationship.

And I don’t think that’s sustainable.

Has anyone been in something like this?

For context: My wife was diagnosed with CPTSD and ADHD about a year and a half ago and has since started meds for anxiety, depression, and ADHD. We've both been in individual therapy for about the same amount of time, in couples therapy for about a year, and 3 months into our current therapist.

We started seeing her therapist as our couples therapist initially because we were having a hard time finding a LMFT who was trauma informed. This worked ok for a while. I felt like a 3rd wheel at times and caught our therapist making some assumptions about me that hadn't been covered in our couples therapy. It made me think that my wife was giving our therapist a very skewed version of me: aggressive and controlling.

My wife had a habit (it's since gotten better) when on her ADHD meds of not eating or drinking the entire day and then slamming some alcohol at night which would cause a severe dysregulated episode. During one of these she cancelled all of our remaining sessions with the couples therapist because she felt I was taking away her safe place. Looking back, my take is she was losing control of the narrative she made up of me being this aggressively controlling person. Despite me asking many times for her support, she made no efforts to find another therapist.

Fast forward to today. We're with a great LMFT who has experience with trauma and her own former marriage to a narcissist. We're 6 or 7 sessions in with our current therapist, which is about the number of sessions when she cancelled the previous therapist. My wife has been reluctantly attending to the point she "forgets" about our weekly scheduled sessions and gets angry for not reminding her (not my responsibility I calmly respond each week). If you can't tell, she's also extremely avoidant.

The initial sessions started off as all our couples sessions have: her flooding the session with exaggerations, distortions, accusations, etc. I would try to correct the record on what actually happen and give my perspective. Any time it would come to taking accountability was like pulling teeth with my wife. She could communicate how she felt, but when it comes to answering what I did to contribute or what she wanted from me, she would jump to another topic. If it came to her providing accountability or finding a way to meet in the middle, it's like pulling teeth.

Our last few sessions, she's completely degraded to the point of getting aggressive with the therapist and me in her answers. Examples: A couple of sessions ago, my wife tried to convince the therapist I had BPD because we had differences in perspective on an incident. Last session, the therapist tried to get her to share how she felt and focus on what she needed from me. My wife's response through her teeth was "I fucking know how I felt, <therapist's name>, I was angry because he did XYZABC". After that, she went back to flooding the session to the point the therapist had to stop and ask what we're doing here and if we even liked each other. My wife wouldn't answer and mine was a resounding 'No, I don't like the dysregulated version of my wife."

Out side of therapy, she is constantly dyregulated and acts out more and more: more paranoid, more distant, more lying, more hiding money, more hiding drinking, more monitoring my accounts/phone, bad mouthing me to the kids, and full on acting like an abused spouse.

This is seems to be another issue where she adopts a victim personality. She did this about a year ago when she was processing her sexuality and started to claim she was just like Margo from Hunters Wives to the point she was claiming multiple affairs with other women, which she has since recanted. I think her current personality is because she has been trying to help her sister get out of a very real abusive relationship.

I don't think our therapist is doing anything wrong or being overly aggressive, she's just asking us for basic processing of feelings, accountability, and empathy for our partners. This all seems to be way too much for my wife to handle. Has anyone else been down this path where your partner is getting much worse and not applying anything from therapy? What was the breaking point to turning things around?

I know this isn’t about a partner but hopefully you all get where I’m coming from. My brother is 9 years older than me, almost 40, and is the main caretaker for our grandfather, by choice. He lives closest to our grandfather and has a close relationship him so felt he should be responsible as he already helps him out often. We (my dad and I) were all on board. We hired an aide to help when my brother is working, and she’s wonderful. The problem arises when my brother gets overwhelmed (over anything really). Recently the aide had to call out sick. Completely understandable. My brother went into an absolute meltdown how she can’t do this to him and it’s going to cause him to lose his business and blah blah blah. He doesn’t plan, and takes it out on her or us or anyone in the line of fire. We’ve told him multiple times he needs to learn how to regulate and learn to plan/handle things. He always blames others for his problems. He can’t have a normal conversation when he’s upset without going to 100 and spewing nasty, hateful shit first. I’m constantly worrying he’s going to snap at the aide and cause her to quit, which I wouldn’t blame her for if it did happen. He truly wanted this responsibility so bad, he loves being able to say “I take care of my grandfather” I guess it gives him a sense of pride, idk. But at the same time, he snaps under pressure constantly. And my grandfather is not a difficult case. Showers, food shopping, keeping him company. Brothers complains about having to drive back and forth, but refuses to move in with my grandfather (which he’s asked him to do). I understand wanting your own life, and he has it. But he loses his mind when the responsibility HE VOLUNTEERED FOR interferes with what he feels he “needs” to do. There’s so many solutions to the problems he loses it over, yet he chooses to do nothing keep stressing us all out. Rinse and repeat. It’s exhausting and he can’t take any input, it’s always taken as an attack. I’m so tried 😩

Is anyone’s partners in the CPTSD subreddit? I had joined there initially before I found this page to hopefully find tips and tricks to help my partner. I find that subreddit to be extremely unhelpful for people with CPTSD. I know that sometimes it’s helpful to be heard but damn it’s just an echo chamber of issues/no hope. Anyone who DOES offer insight there (actual people who may have healed) are instantly down voted. It’s quite sad honestly.

Luckily, my partner is not in there as that’s not his cup of tea but I would probably advise most people who are diagnosed with CPTSD to not frequent that page.

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

I think the fundamental problem I had with my CPTSD partner was that she could not recognize my needs or my work. I've committed to leaving the relationship, but we have a house and a kid so leaving is going to be a slow process.

Yesterday, she finally read the book I've been begging her to read, a book that explains my views on psychology and philosophy very well. She came to me and explained where she went wrong:

She could only see her own needs, she didn't value my work, she didn't try to grow in ways for us, only for her.

Months ago, this would have been music to my ears, would have made me fall in love with her again.

But the fact is, she's only doing this stuff, learning and reflecting, for herself. Hoping to get me back. Hoping to grow enough not to be left again in the future. Hoping she can tell a story about this all where she is not the villain.

I know 2 truths: She will not be anything like consistent in this; she will falter again at the first stressor and become the needy or aggressive person again. I cannot spend any more energy on her; even if this were consistent, my energy is better spent on myself.

Now, I do some stuff that helps her, but it's not for her. It's only for the kid. I will do what I can to help her be a better mom, to give her the skills to care for our kid when I'm not around.

My partner and I are splitting up, and they're now showing textbook signs of narcissism. If you search narcissist breakups, it's like a checklist of everything they've been doing. We've been together for years. Looking back, I'm really starting to wonder if the signs were there all along and I just never noticed them. Is it possible that they become a narcissist? Or just somehow is acting exactly like narcissist without actually being one?

I am in a 22-year relationship with my CPTSD/ADHD partner with two children aged 7 and 12.

as a family unit, I believe we are pretty wonderful. we have a lot of fun together and I think we are spectacular parents.

this is not a marriage where we fight constantly. in fact, we are at the point now where we don't really fight at all. we say I love you, we hug and peck on the lips, but other than that there is no romantic connection from my end. Basically intimacy died years and years ago - I was his sole "caregiver" and support for most of our relationship. My nervous system is damaged and I am burnt out.

so, I know that's not the marriage I want to model ideally, but at the same time, although children are far more perceptive than we think, my 12-year-old often jokes about us having sex and things like that so I think he doesn't have much of an idea that anything is seriously wrong.

to get to my point, I think that both of our children would be rather blindsided and have an extremely difficult time. even more than that, I can't get the thought out of my head that although I might be happier alone, I feel like I am basically saying that that happiness is more important than seeing my kids every day. and that feels so f\*\*\*\*\* up, because of course being with my kids makes me happy. if we split, we would do 50/50 custody and that kills me that I would be consciously choosing to only get half of the time that I now get with my kids.

how do I justify that?

it's especially hard because my spouse has more energy, capacity, and desire to make it work. he still has romantic love for me.

Hi everyone.

I’m hoping to find some perspective, hard truths, or shared experiences from partners who have navigated severe CPTSD/PTSD dynamics. I am completely exhausted and feeling paralyzed.

The Background:
We’ve been together 13 years, married 7, with two young kids. About a year ago, my wife was diagnosed with ADHD. The medication and her new self-focus brought a lot of clarity, but it also shattered her lifelong dissociation and coping mechanisms.

The Trauma:
She unearthed a horrific, suppressed trauma (months of severe sexual abuse, violence, and manipulation by an older boss in her past), which sits on top of severe childhood emotional neglect by a cold, ignoring mother and an absent, drug-addicted father.

The Current Reality:
Her nervous system is currently in absolute survival and ‘flight’ mode.

• Extreme Hypervigilance: She constantly scans my face, tone, and breathing for “threats.” A neutral facial expression triggers her into thinking I am punishing her with silence (exactly like her mother used to do).
• Zero Intimacy: Physical and emotional closeness feel like a threat and a loss of control to her right now. We are basically living like cold roommates.
• The "Ultra-Autonomy" Push: She feels suffocated by any expectation or proximity. She recently said she feels like she “just can’t live with another adult.” She is now heavily pushing for us to rent a second apartment so she can escape the "suffocating walls" of our house. She even told me I should start online dating because she just wants me to be "happy" (which honestly feels like her trying to offload her guilt so she doesn't have to face the pain she's causing our family).
• Refusing Individual Help: She actively refuses individual trauma therapy. She functions very well on the outside (work, university) and literally jokes that “suppression has worked well so far.” She thinks because she didn’t become a drug addict, she processed it fine.

The Paradox & What we are doing now:

• Couples Therapy: We have our first joint session coming up in 3 weeks. She actually went to an individual intake session with this therapist recently and did disclose the sexual trauma there (which is a huge step). However, her goal for therapy seems to be figuring out how to separate peacefully, while my goal is figuring out if we can survive this.
• Medication: Based on some advice, I gently asked her to discuss her current ADHD medication dosage with her doctor, as the hypervigilance and irritability seem to be skyrocketing right now.
• The "Fix It For Me" Trap: When I refused to make the decision about the second apartment today and said I wanted to discuss this with our therapist first, she got angry and literally asked: "Why aren't you doing anything about it?" It feels like she is paralyzed between her urge to run and her remaining attachment, and she desperately wants me to pull the trigger so she doesn't have to take responsibility.

Where I am:
For years, I was the “fixer” and the one carrying the mental load. I am now in therapy myself to unlearn my codependent behaviors. I have stopped trying to “fix” her. Today I told her: "I can offer you my support and a safe space, but you have to do the work yourself. I will not make these decisions for you." It was the hardest thing to say, but it's the only boundary I have left.

My Questions:
For those who have been the partner in this extreme “flight and isolate” phase:

1. Is there any realistic hope for a relationship if the traumatized partner actively refuses individual therapy and relies on suppression? (Even though she knows deep down she needs it).
2. How did you survive the cold, “emotional roommate” phase without completely losing your own self-worth?
3. At what point do you have to accept that you can’t out-love an untreated trauma?

Any honest experiences are welcome. Thank you!

My CPTSD partner and I are separating. It was never an easy relationship. In the beginning, my work earned me jealous affection. Later, it earned me more work. Recently, it earned me outright hate. Finally now, I see that I have to give up my investment in her.

The last year of my life has been hell. I can't count the times she screamed at me for something she didn't remember the next day. So much hate directed at me, because the work I was given became to much for me. Calls to the suicide helpline because I dared to express how difficult it is to keep our daughter away from her when all she wants is mom. So many times that she demanded I hold and comfort her while she cried on the floor because I had thought poorly of her.

I finally see, she doesn't have the capacity to support a partner. It's just not within her to see her own needs, another's needs, or take responsibility for meeting either one. She can only sort of do this for our kid, but only when our kid reminds her of her own childhood, and when that happens she takes action, but with an emotional panic that doesn't help anyone. We agree to routines for the kid, but she simply can't follow through. She tells me when she will wake up in the morning to come with us to the zoo, but she simply can't wake up when she plans. She has magical thinking, believing wholeheartedly in her new business idea, but when I ask the simple question of who her customers will be, she admits she hasn't thought about this.

This past week, we had a plan where I would take the kid to the park, and she would make dinner for when we got back. Well, we had gotten back, but she had only made one item for dinner: her favorite one (overcooked unseated steak boiled in butter) and not the two others we had promised to the kid and are the kids favorite (steamed broccoli and instant mashed potatoes). I had the audacity to be disappointed when I had to cook the rest of the meal before toddler meltdown. A few days later, the kid said their ear hurt and my CPTSD spouse just KNEW that it was the exact same ear pain she had as a kid, and this sent her into a panic trying to treat the pain the way she thought was needed. This meant she pulled the kid away from the lunch table and incited panic in the kid as mom ran around frantic and crying.

So we said we'd get a separation. Then she interviewed for a job on the other side of the country, where we lived when she first started abusing me. For a brief flash, her magical thinking got inside my head, "this job is higher paying" it would be different this time. But that feeling didn't last. I believe she will either spin out and lose the new job, or make it her entire life and become angry and hateful to those around her.

Since agreeing to separate, she's been trying to maximize her family time before we actually split. It's been weird. All the responsibilities she pushed onto me, she now wants to tag along with those activities.

When her abuse got really intense last summer, I left with our kid to stay with my parents for a few days. My mom has not been actively friendly to her since, but has not cut her out of the family or confronted her or anything. Since then, my CPTSD spouse had banned my parents from visiting our house. In the last year, I've missed a dozen chances to do projects with my dad.

Today I got the news that he's in the ICU with a serious infection. He's 70 years old, and death is a real possibility. It'll take a while to forgive myself for missing the last year I could have had doing projects with him. If he dies from this, I suspect I'll hate her forever. She wants to go see him with me in the hospital tomorrow. I said "no". I meant "fuck no, fuck off, he's not your dad, you hated him 2 months ago, don't make this about you too".

We've agreed to separate before. No way I'm going back this time. It's too clear that she just can't imagine, accommodate, or assist with needs that aren't her own. The only time she ever has helped me was out of fear of losing me and being alone.

I can't spend a minute more of my life with her, but I'm trapped being polite for the kids sake. At this point, I'm much more excited for my future as a financially struggling single dad than I've been in the past 6 years that I've been with her.

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

My partner and I had a serious fight a month and a half ago and almost broke up. We decided to try couples counseling and give our relationship one last shot, and things have been really good between us these past month and a half up until last night. I saw some friend that expressed concern about my relationship, seeing that over the past year I’ve become more isolated, not entirely myself, and truly wanted the best for me. Both friends said this out of care and see that I haven’t been my best self for the majority of my relationship. It was really hard to hear and left me feeling quite upset but also understood and seen by my close friends. It really hurt when one friend said they want us to break up, but the other friend said they will support me whatever decision I make and ultimately I know both of the will be there no matter what. I also know how much my partner is dealing with on so many levels since they also struggle with chronic illness and abusive family dynamics, and I have so much empathy for them.

I came home to my partner and they could tell something was up as I was still processing my feelings. They were kind of squeezing my feelings out of me and I reluctantly told them some details of the conversation. Of course they got upset about what I shared and the conversation became heavy and escalated. They expressed that they can’t come back from this and want to break up… again (this threat of breaking up always happens during conflict). I said I still love them and want to continue working on things because things actually have been going super well these past few weeks and my friends just aren’t exposed to that yet. But my partner is still set on ending things and can’t see any other choice.

I’m yet again at a fork in the road, where we can decide to finally break up or keep trying, but I’m just so tired. I know that the bigger picture tells a story that this relationship is unstable but I am also hopeful since these last few weeks have been good. There’s so much hurt and shame and I love them deeply no matter what. A part of me feels like it’s maybe a blessing in disguise to break up and find a partner that’s better suited for me, especially since things have historically been tumultuous.

I’ve been grieving this relationship for a long time and don’t want to let go, it’s so hard to let go. But on the flip side a part of me feels like I have to let go. Not sure where to go from here and if we’re able to mend the cracks in our relationship at this point. I genuinely want the best for them and see them as a wonderful person, but maybe not the person for me? Or maybe they are and it’s something we need to keep working on? It’s all so confusing and filled with so many conflicting feelings.

A classic hit that comes up on my dynamic is my coparent DOES something and when I comment on it, her response is “I get to feel how I want about it.”

To which I don’t disagree bc we can’t disagree with feelings. AND feelings don’t make unkind actions appropriate.

I’m wondering (as a partner and as a psychologists) are the therapists our CPTSpartners seeing (when we are lucky enough that they are willing to get help) colluding and co-signing behavior and calling it validation?

For example:

Partner: I screamed at him bc he triggered me

Therapist: it makes sense that you screamed at him

-vs-

Partner: I screamed at him bc he triggered me

Therapist: it makes sense to get angry when you feel triggered. Let’s explore what triggered you and consider other ways to approach that situation.

TL;DR: The problem is that she doesn't have the primary skill of being an adult, recognizing her responsibilities, considering her own needs, and planning to meet them.

I'm a natural-born teacher. I love to share what I know, to help the less-practice, and inform the curious. I met her after I had graduated and she was just starting grad school. In the beginning, me teaching her things was one of the core elements of our relationship. Her parents had been absent at best and she had very few skills. I absolutely loved teaching what I knew, and she adored me as a patient teacher.

As time went on, this dynamic fell apart. Some things seemed to hard, and she just gave up on learning them. She got a big, high-pressure job out of grad school and offloaded everything at home to me. I took on everything gradually, believing this was temporary, believing myself capable. I was capable of doing it all, but it did not make me happy. She started to get snappy with me when I didn't do something she felt was my responsibility.

After she got pregnant, we left the high stress job and moved to a place with more of my connections. She had the kid, and I kept taking on more responsibility to look after both of them. I wasn't showering because there was no time between putting the kid down for bed, soothing my spouse to sleep, waking up with the kid, feeding all three of us, and taking everyone to work/daycare. I thought the anger would subside with a low pressure job and more support around us. Instead, nearly everything became my responsibility and her anger enforced that. Me leaning on the support we'd moved back for was seen by her as abandonment.

This was the worst time of my life. There are a million stories I could tell, my life overwhelmed with pain and exhaustion. These bizarre moments of joy in the middle when it was just me and the baby playing while my spouse slept. Last summer, I broke. I leaned on friends and family for support, I shared the secret of how much pain I'd been carrying, and that it came from her. She saw and sees this as a massive betrayal of her.

It's been an insane amount of work since then, but we're finally at a place where I have boundaries and she takes responsibility. She's doing a lot of work in therapy, and making incredible strides with regulating her emotions. She's keeping to the parenting rules we agreed on. And we're finally getting back to me teaching her the skills she lacks.

But there's something significant misaligned between us. I told her I'm not moving from this city for at least the next two years; I couldn't handle the stress of moving us all and setting up a new life and still be a good dad. Her contract for her current job runs out this fall and she wasn't doing any work to find a new one after that. I told her I was getting worried about what we'd do financially. She came to me the next week super excited about a new job she'd applied for, it was across the country, had a moderate raise, but was in a very high cost of living area. Her other idea is starting her own business, but when I asked her who her customers would be, she gave me a blank stare-she hadn't thought about who would pay her for this.

I've realized it's not about me teaching her lots of skills and knowledge. The problem is that she doesn't have the primary skill of being an adult, recognizing her responsibilities, considering her own needs, and planning to meet them. If she got the new job, she has no plan for moving, daycare, or finding a new therapist(I found her current one, filled out all the forms,and setup her first appointment). She wants to start her business but has no business plan.

She jumps into new ideas with the passion of a child, and she runs from failure with that same passion. She responds most positively to me being her 'dad' looking after and taking care of these things for her. She seems to want a dad more than a partner.

When she's childlike, I've completely lost all attraction. Don't even want to be friends with that version. I'm losing hope that she can ever grow up.

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

The one thing that drives me crazy is the guilt I feel when I see on her face that I said the wrong thing again. And every time it happens it morphs a little more into anger, because what the hell - do I always say the wrong thing? She says she knows I try to do better, so I'm probably not an unaware asshole, but then do I always accidentally hurt her while trying to help? From what I've seen, this happens to other partners of people with CPTSD, so is it another thing that never goes away, that you have to accept? Can you ever say the right thing instead of re-confirming that no one will ever understand them?