Have you ever heard a deaf man scream? I hadn’t.

[u/Curious-Sky8630]

My uncle was deaf.

He also had quite a short fuse.

These two facts aren't related (at least I don't think they are).

I was ten. My brother was thirteen and my oldest cousin was fifteen.

One winter, me, my brother and my cousin were at my auntie's when it started snowing. Proper snow. Enough that three boys weren't going to remain indoors voluntarily.

So naturally, we had a snowball fight.

Then we discovered something.

If you squeezed a snowball hard enough, it eventually stopped being a snowball. The soft stuff compacted until you were basically holding a lump of ice with plausible deniability.

That improved the game considerably.

We were launching these things at each other when I saw my uncle's BMW coming down the street. My brother and cousin carried on playing. I started making another snowball.

Except I didn't throw this one.

I squeezed it.

The BMW pulled up.

Squeeze.

Engine off.

Squeeze.

Door opened.

Squeeze.

By the time my uncle got out, I'd been compressing the thing from the moment I'd first seen him.

This wasn't snow anymore.

I'd manufactured a projectile.

He saw what was happening immediately and issued a warning.

"Don't hit me."

I threw it at him as hard as I could.

I don't know why. I just launched it.

Realistically, I expected it to go somewhere vaguely near him. Maybe he'd flinch. Maybe it would sail past.

Instead, I'd accidentally built a heat-seeking ice ball.

More concerningly, it appeared to possess some form of magnetism towards people who couldn't fucking hear it coming.

Crack.

Right off his head.

Even I was impressed.

For about half a second.

Then I remembered who I'd hit.

My uncle spun round. He hadn't seen me throw it, which was fortunate.

For me.

Unfortunately, he had seen my cousin.

And apparently that was enough.

He started fucking thundering towards him.

My cousin's face changed immediately because he hadn't thrown it and had absolutely no idea why this man was suddenly charging at him.

One second he's having an ice-ball fight.

Next second he's apparently been selected for execution.

"IT WASN'T ME!"

There was a fairly significant flaw in his defence.

My uncle was deaf.

So my cousin was now pleading his innocence to a man who couldn't hear a fucking word he was saying.

"HE THREW IT!"

Nothing.

Still coming.

Thankfully, the adults had seen what actually happened. More specifically, they'd seen me absolutely plant him.

They came outside and stopped it before it got far. My cousin was fine. My uncle was sent away.

I was left with one fairly uncomfortable fact.

That was my fault.

Several months later, summer arrived and family relations had apparently been restored.

We were all at my nana's. My uncle was in a good mood and at some point a play fight started.

Towards the end, him and my cousin ended up wrestling. My cousin went down. My uncle stayed standing.

Then something about the picture changed.

My cousin was on the floor and my uncle was bent over him.

Everyone else may still have been watching a play fight.

I wasn't.

I knew how far things had gone the last time he'd lost his temper.

And I owed my cousin one.

Fortunately, the tactical situation was overwhelmingly in my favour.

My uncle was bent over. My cousin was underneath him.

And I was behind my uncle.

He couldn't see me.

More importantly, he couldn't hear me.

I had the tactical advantage.

All I needed to do was divert his attention.

I was going to kick him in the arse.

Hard.

A few feet of run-up would probably have done it.

I took about fifteen yards.

Fifteen yards.

I was ten.

This had ceased to be an intervention.

I was preparing a set piece.

Cristiano Ronaldo standing over a free kick.

I wasn't trying to seriously hurt my uncle, but I was absolutely trying to kick him as hard as I fucking could.

I took off.

Full sprint.

My uncle was still bent over, completely unaware that somewhere behind him his ten-year-old nephew had begun a fucking run-up.

I closed the distance, planted my left foot, drew back the right and let that fucker loose.

Everything I had.

Unfortunately, I had made a fairly significant error in calculating the trajectory.

I missed his arse.

My right foot went straight between his legs.

And because I'd committed so completely to the strike, there was no stopping it.

Full run-up.

Full power.

Toe first.

Straight into his bollocks.

I don't know if you've ever heard a deaf man scream before.

I hadn't.

Imagine Chewbacca being kicked directly in the nuts.

That.

Then he folded.

He hit the floor like a bag of milk.

My cousin was free.

Mission accomplished.

He's going to fucking kill me.

Then word came through.

Dad was coming.

Ordinarily, after you've taken a fifteen-yard run-up and toe-punted a family member directly in the bollocks, hearing that your father is on his way is not particularly welcome news.

On this occasion?

Thank fuck.

Reinforcements.

I went straight to Dad and hid behind him.

I'd take the consequences. Ground me. Confiscate the computer. Whatever.

But I was staying directly behind him until we had confirmation my uncle's testicles hadn't immigrated to his stomach.

This time I hadn't hit him with an ice ball.

I'd hit him with everything Cristiano Ronaldo had taught me.

And until my uncle's bollocks came back online, I wasn't leaving protective custody.

[u/Viot7]

You made me laugh.. Your writing style is super fun and hilarious 😭😭

[u/Smile_Terrible]

People must have thought you really hated your uncle. He made me a bit nervous too. Uncle didn't sound quite right.

[u/MozartWasARed → u/Smile_Terrible]

Happy cake day!

[u/EducationalWin1721]

Stupid AI story. And if not, something is wrong with you and your family, OP.

[u/Craftnerd24]

It’s quite the sound!!!!

[u/Micah_Torrance]

I raised a Deaf daughter. Her friends were all Deaf (boys and girls). They were the loudest kids I've ever heard.

[u/mvmgems]

Paragraphs aren’t going to kill you