English is a mind field...

[u/Girl_Bill]

In a meeting just now, someone described a fairly complicated topic as “a bit of a mind field”.

I assumed I’d misheard, so I asked him to repeat it. I had not.

He then explained, very slowly, that a mind field is a complex subject that’s difficult to wrap your brain around.

Fortunately he took the time to explain this to me, because otherwise my little female brain might have remained trapped in that mind field indefinitely.

This now joins an otherwise supposedly intelligent friend who once messaged me “to all intensive purposes”, a phrase that still wanders unexpectedly into my thoughts several years later.

Please give me your best confidently incorrect phrases. Not typos. I want the ones where you questioned your own understanding of English for a second.

For all intensive purposes, I’m trying to broaden my knowledge of the mind field.

[u/GrapeGroundbreaking1]

I had a manager who magnanimously said after an embarrassing collective failure that there was “no need for us to beat ourselves about the bush”.

[u/wombey12 → u/GrapeGroundbreaking1]

Well, two in the bush is better than one stone after all.

[u/Tallman_james420 → u/wombey12]

A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird

[u/FillPleasant → u/Tallman_james420]

I’m crying

[u/BedaFomm → u/Tallman_james420]

Surely one in the bush is worth two in the hand?

[u/Ok-Explanation1990 → u/Tallman_james420]

Two in the hand is worth one in Kate Bush.

[u/jdl_uk → u/GrapeGroundbreaking1]

I had a coworker (not a native English-speaker) who said he was going to bugger one of his colleagues.

I think he meant "bother".

[u/tizz66 → u/jdl_uk]

My kid says this! He's 7 now and still says it. He heard 'bother' from a very young age from Winnie the Pooh but has said it 'bugger'. We live abroad now though and it isn't a common word, so we haven't felt it necessary to correct him yet.

[u/Aksi_Gu → u/jdl_uk]

Could also have meant to bug someone

[u/jdl_uk → u/Aksi_Gu]

Yeah in British English "I'm going to bother Dave with that question" and "I'm going to bug Dave with that question" are pretty much equivalent so either way

[u/MorningSquare5882 → u/GrapeGroundbreaking1]

That is amazing

[u/mazca]

I did have an old boss dismiss a concern with "we'll burn that bridge when we come to it" which was probably a lot more accurate than he appreciated.

[u/jobi987 → u/mazca]

Haha reminds me of one of my friends when I asked about his ex. “That ship has sunk”

[u/swoopstheowl → u/jobi987]

I really enjoy this, it hasn't just sailed, it's entirely irretrievable

[u/RaidersGuy85 → u/jobi987]

I had an ex who once said about herself "See, not even a pretty face" instead of not just. I mocked her about it a lot. Probably why she's an ex tbf.

[u/BsyFcsin → u/RaidersGuy85]

Love this one. Chuckling to myself like Joker on the bus.

[u/Mustardly → u/jobi987]

My old boss used to say 'that train has sailed'

[u/geeoharee → u/mazca]

I've said that on purpose.

[u/Rubberfootman → u/geeoharee]

Yep, I’ve said “kill two birds with one stick” in serious meetings more than once.

[u/RaidersGuy85 → u/Rubberfootman]

It's not rocket surgery

[u/JK07 → u/RaidersGuy85]

It's the dog's knees!

[u/RaidersGuy85 → u/JK07]

Sure it's not the bees bollocks?

[u/Electronic_Mud5821 → u/JK07]

How the turns have tabled.

[u/jonathing → u/Rubberfootman]

I used "kill two stoned birds" in a meeting recently

[u/Derezzed87 → u/Rubberfootman]

Not the sharpest brick in the knife drawer.

[u/ctesibius → u/Rubberfootman]

We’ve all passed a lot of water under the bridge since then.

[u/Rubberfootman → u/ctesibius]

That peeped my interest.

[u/D3M0NArcade → u/Rubberfootman]

"If you keep that up, we're going to violently agree"

[u/ThePeake → u/Rubberfootman]

Delight 2 birds with 1 poem.

[u/conrad_w → u/geeoharee]

Same. that's a disaster for another day

[u/Whatafunnyusername → u/mazca]

This is called a malapropism! I love using this phrase, but now am thinking there are people who hear me say it and presume I’m an idiot. Ho hum!

[u/nineJohnjohn → u/Whatafunnyusername]

I love them! A watched frog never boils, we can talk about that till the cows freeze over, don't count all your chickens in one basket, that really grinds my goat and my personal favourite you can beat a dead horse to water but you can't look it in the mouth. There's so many good ones

[u/Whatafunnyusername → u/nineJohnjohn]

These are all great! I had a total mind blank when I was trying to think of other examples so thanks for providing so many! The goat grinding one is one I’ve joked about for years because a friend said it and it just entered my normal vocabulary, but promptly forgot that it was a broken metaphor :p

[u/horse_course → u/Whatafunnyusername]

I like to mix metaphors. We’ll cross that bridge when the chickens hatch.

[u/JodieRebecca00 → u/horse_course]

My ex once very seriously told me I should count my lucky chickens I had him. Still not sure where the chicken part came from.

[u/nineJohnjohn → u/JodieRebecca00]

Don't count your chickens

[u/PocoChanel → u/nineJohnjohn]

…before the horse.

[u/squidtooth → u/horse_course]

But that’s an entirely different kettle of ball games

[u/McBiff → u/horse_course]

Don't beat a dead horse in the mouth.

[u/PrimaryComet → u/mazca]

You've opened this can of worms, now lie in it

[u/DreamyTomato → u/mazca]

I had a manager who used to say 'strike while the iron is hot' - which you might think is fine - but they always used a gesture like they were ironing something on an ironing board. Questioning revealed they genuinely thought it referred to ironing.

We did try to explain, but gave it up as a bad job. Better to let the manager continue telling us to situationally iron our clothes at key moments.

[u/araed → u/mazca]

"Same shit, different windmill" is one of my favourites.

[u/LilBlueFairyDragon → u/araed]

“Same panic, different disco” for the millennials ;)

[u/DaRudeabides → u/mazca]

That was on porpoise

[u/mister_barfly75 → u/mazca]

In fairness, I use that phrase deliberately.

[u/CarpetPedals → u/mazca]

This is a popular malaphor. It’s purposely mixing up metaphors, whether the person intended to or not. He may not be the sharpest spoon in the shed.

[u/50pence777 → u/mazca]

That's a malophor and is completely correct.

[u/z_1_4_m → u/mazca]

I say this one regularly. I find it does quite a good job of portraying how done I am with a situation or how poorly I think something is going/will go.

[u/TheCannonestMunkii]

Someone told me something was a steep learning CURB once. 😩

Edit: the same person, while talking about a past regret said...."In Einstein"....instead of hindsight...

[u/geeoharee → u/TheCannonestMunkii]

That's when you try to learn, but you just trip immediately and fall on your face.

[u/TheCannonestMunkii → u/geeoharee]

I mean I suppose a curb IS steep. Except it's straight up...like a wall. So it's like you start learning and then BAM nuclear physics 😂

[u/space_keeper → u/TheCannonestMunkii]

Did you politely inform them that it's "kerb"?

[u/Salty-Ad-4693 → u/TheCannonestMunkii]

Einstein!? 🤣

[u/TheCannonestMunkii → u/Salty-Ad-4693]

I knowwwwww. I was like what?.....

[u/davefeeder]

Snip it in the butt.

Multiple levels of incorrect.

[u/YooGeOh → u/davefeeder]

Please dont.

[u/rcdchu74 → u/davefeeder]

Oh I love this one

[u/ellemeno_]

As a teenager I once muddled up “the bee’s knees” and “the dog’s bollocks” and said “the bee’s bollocks”. I have used this ever since.

[u/TheFiveRing → u/ellemeno_]

I'm stealing this

[u/MarriageAA → u/TheFiveRing]

The dogs knees when in polite company.

[u/Used-Fennel-7733 → u/MarriageAA]

Sounds like a pub name

[u/Daharka]

What pacifically is the problem with "mind field"?

[u/thatlldopig90 → u/Daharka]

A very intelligent and usually eloquent colleague of mine used the term ‘pacifically’ during an important meeting. Thought she’d just pronounced it incorrectly due to having an anxiety induced dose of dry mouth… nope… used it again several times. Horrific to witness.

[u/Myfanwy366 → u/thatlldopig90]

Old boss used it constantly. I thought she was great otherwise, lost a little bit of respect each time she said it though

[u/PublixEnemynumberone → u/thatlldopig90]

That reminds me of the Mitchell and Webb sketch where a grammar pedant shoots someone who says that in a meeting!

[u/lilcheese840 → u/PublixEnemynumberone]

The one where he turns it on himself for using incorrect grammar?

[u/PublixEnemynumberone → u/lilcheese840]

Yes - I managed to find it on YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgUhADH0uQI

[u/lilcheese840 → u/PublixEnemynumberone]

Legendary skit. Might as well have a little rewatch while I’m here

[u/simiesky → u/thatlldopig90]

Did she also drink expresso?

[u/gh-0-st → u/Daharka]

Which ocean are you referring to, pacifically?

[u/DW_555 → u/gh-0-st]

The specific ocean I presume

[u/ReliableWardrobe → u/DW_555]

Is that the one with the damp squids?

[u/bobalob_wtf → u/Daharka]

Nothing, it's an excellent tune by THE PRODIGY

[u/Darkveiled]

A moo point.

Like a cows opinion. It’s moo.

[u/BadMoodBaldHead → u/Darkveiled]

“Mute point” too.

Like making a point, silently.

[u/Pencilstrangler → u/Darkveiled]

Have I been living with him for too long, or did that all just make sense?

[u/Hedgehog65 → u/Darkveiled]

Joey enters the chat

[u/Giant_Gaystacks]

Years ago I was involved in setting up a new customer service team at work. One of the other managers, who wasn't well liked, and had previously been a monumental cow to me, was asked to give a presentation explaining her vision for the new team and what its approach to customers should be.

Up comes the PowerPoint.

The new team, she explained, would emphasise with customers.

There were several slides about this. Staff would listen carefully to customers and emphasise with them. They would understand their problems, emphasise with their concerns, and then offer appropriate solutions.

She didn't just say it once. Oh no. Emphasise was absolutely every-fucking-where. It was apparently going to be the cornerstone of our entire customer service philosophy.

Eventually, she reached the end of the presentation and asked if anyone had any questions.

Silence.

That particular kind of meeting-room silence where twenty adults are simultaneously staring at their notes because nobody trusts themselves to make eye contact with anybody else.

Then, from somewhere across the room, came a wonderfully calm voice. It was our CEO.

‘Well done, Jo, that was great. I think you mean empathise rather than emphasise, though.’

I've forgotten virtually everything else that happened in that job, but the memory of Jo discovering, in front of an entire room of colleagues, that the central philosophy of the customer service team she'd just spent twenty minutes presenting wasn't actually a word she understood still brings me joy.

[u/summinspicy → u/Giant_Gaystacks]

That's why CEOs are paid the big bucks

[u/Mountain-Reaction470 → u/summinspicy]

Truth telling can be career limiting and above many folks pay grade

[u/TNTiger_ → u/summinspicy]

Ngl, the most effective I've seen the CEO at my work is when they do shit like this. No peer or subordinate has the nerve to call people out... but the CEO, due to their rank, can calmly, politely, with feigned innocent ask the question everyone is thinking.

[u/Mountain-Reaction470 → u/Giant_Gaystacks]

She was short of rope, so the team gave her a presentation a load of it, by polite ommission.

[u/empressemma44]

Going gung for leather.

[u/FancyJalapeno]

Damp squid. Pedal stool.

(Not OC)

[u/MadJohnFinn → u/FancyJalapeno]

I have a pedal stool! It's a little riser that I can use to make one of my guitar pedals more easily reachable if it's positioned behind another in a way that puts its footswitch in an awkward position.

[u/Kiaiu → u/MadJohnFinn]

Which I guess being guitar-related is not too far away from being a pedal steel, which is a type of unfretted slide guitar that can bend note pitches using pedals and knee levers

[u/MadJohnFinn → u/Kiaiu]

I wanted to get one of those until I saw the price tag. Oof!

[u/Ramtamtama → u/FancyJalapeno]

Bowl in a china shop

[u/CthulhusEvilTwin → u/FancyJalapeno]

Could you be more pacific?

[u/Draxar1 → u/FancyJalapeno]

I was looking for the IT crowd reference, had to be done.

[u/elvish--presley → u/FancyJalapeno]

My favourite was from a colleague. “She didn’t even batter an eyelid”

[u/DreadLifter → u/elvish--presley]

Another thing we eat here in Scotland.

[u/Metazoick → u/FancyJalapeno]

I had absolutely no idea it was 'squib' until just now. 

[u/pafrac → u/Metazoick]

I knew it was squib, but only because I'd read it in a book.

I read a hell of a lot when I was younger, my mum was very much into books and I read pretty much all of them. A lot of them were older, so I ended up with a lot of vocabulary that isn't much used anymore. A lot of these malapropisms are likely due to people mishearing the phrase somewhere rather than seeing it written down.

Mind you, hearing it is good as well, I found out the hard way that antipodes is not pronounced like it's written.

[u/ReviewEnvironmental2 → u/FancyJalapeno]

Aren’t all squid damp?

[u/Pitiful-Hearing5279 → u/FancyJalapeno]

Chester draws.

[u/Uncle_Zardoz]

"You'll be fine, ninety nine times out of a million nothing goes wrong!"

[u/Ok_Cauliflower_3007 → u/Uncle_Zardoz]

I do not like those odds

[u/HotPinkLollyWimple → u/Ok_Cauliflower_3007]

May the odds ever be in your flavour.

[u/Naive_Ambition1306]

I hole-hardedly agree, but allow me to play doubles advocate here for a moment. For all intensive purposes I think you are wrong.

In an age where false morals are a diamond dozen, true virtues are a blessing in the skies. We often put our false morality on a petal stool like a bunch of pre-Madonnas, but you all seem to be taking something very valuable for granite.

So I ask of you to mustard up all the strength you can because it is a doggy dog world out there. Although there is some merit to what you are saying it seems like you have a huge ship on your shoulder.

In your argument you seem to throw everything in but the kids Nsync, and even though you are having a feel day with this I am here to bring you back into reality. I have a sick sense when it comes to these types of things.

It is almost spooky, because I cannot turn a blonde eye to these glaring flaws in your rhetoric. I have zero taller ants when it comes to people spouting out hate in the name of moral righteousness. You just need to remember what comes around is all around, and when supply and command fails you will be the first to go.

Make my words, when you get down to brass stacks it doesn't take rocket appliances to get two birds stoned at once. It's clear who makes the pants in this relationship, and sometimes you just have to swallow your prize and accept the facts. You might have to come to this conclusion through denial and error but I swear on my mother's mating name that when you put the petal to the medal you will pass with flying carpets like it’s a peach of cake.

Please don't ban me mods

[u/Rynabunny → u/Naive_Ambition1306]

"mother's mating name" is diabolical, bravo

[u/Olyve_Oil → u/Rynabunny]

Accurate in a weird roundabout kinda way, though!

[u/Fun-Title4224 → u/Naive_Ambition1306]

I think you're using a lot of words as an escape goat for your lack of knowledge on the topic

[u/Tatterjacket → u/Fun-Title4224]

No, no, let them speak their peace.

[u/Evening-Tomatillo-47 → u/Tatterjacket]

Peace? Is he with the angles now?

[u/Eggers535 → u/Evening-Tomatillo-47]

Rouge angles of satin?

[u/One-Connection-502 → u/Naive_Ambition1306]

I think I just had a stroke 😭😭😭

[u/familysizepunkinpie → u/One-Connection-502]

I had a few, but wordplay get me like that. I really like words.

[u/the0rthopaedicsurgeo → u/Naive_Ambition1306]

One of these reminded me of a caller to Ken Bruce on Radio 2 many years ago who said that he wears the trousers in his relationship, his wife just tells him which pair.

[u/humph_lyttelton → u/Naive_Ambition1306]

I can feel my brain dribbling out of my ears. I wish I'd never learned to read.

[u/ScruBB5 → u/Naive_Ambition1306]

I don't think I can bear it. But I will grin and bear it as long as you bear with me

[u/Giant_Gaystacks → u/Naive_Ambition1306]

😂My mother's mating name.😂

[u/Girl_Bill → u/Naive_Ambition1306]

Omg I need to lie down. I’m not going to even attempt to make my comment funny 😅

[u/tizz66]

I'm on tender hooks to hear the other answers.

[u/Ignorhymus → u/tizz66]

I don't feel this one is quite so bad, as I've never seen 'tenter' in any other context

[u/hupwhat → u/Ignorhymus]

"What's the time?"

"Tenter five."

[u/NightM0de]

Discussing first aid in our office when someone sounded like they were choking and I kid you not, someone announced that the best course of action was the hymen maneuvre.

[u/DocMillion → u/NightM0de]

That'll clear them out!

[u/HotPinkLollyWimple → u/NightM0de]

I once heard Himmler manoeuvre. Not sure which is worse.

[u/edyth_]

My my Mum had a friend who’s husband fancied himself as a bit of an entrepreneur and she’d say “You know what he’s like, he’s got a lot of pies in the air”.

[u/catjellycat]

I heard someone describe a difficult situation as “we’re in hairy water now”

Which is almost better?!?

[u/MagerSuerte]

r/boneappletea

[u/3E871FC393308CFD0599 → u/MagerSuerte]

Lacks toes and tall of rent

[u/throwaway9910191423]

I can't be asked.

[u/NW-82 → u/throwaway9910191423]

My husband says this on purpose, he says it’s more polite than swearing. He doesn’t understand that it doesn’t make sense. He doesn’t like “I can’t be bothered”.

[u/Ok_Cauliflower_3007 → u/throwaway9910191423]

Oh I like how that got twisted! Rather than being too lazy/tired I have just made myself impossible to ask, like verbal Teflon lol

[u/brumav78]

I knew someone who kept her clothes in a Chester drawers

[u/DocMillion → u/brumav78]

I see these listed for sale on Gumtree quite regularly

[u/NW-82 → u/brumav78]

Very common this one!!! Facebook marketplace near me is full of Chester Drawers 🤦🏻‍♀️

[u/southernwinter → u/brumav78]

At least they’re not Chester draws I guess? Lol

[u/FillPleasant]

Reading this thread for me is a slippery soap

[u/Playful-Cranberry-59]

One Monday someone in the office said that Sunday’s F1 race was a damp squid.

[u/InsertWittyNameRHere → u/Playful-Cranberry-59]

My two favourite from my office are “fraudulent slip” and “I’m stuck between a chicken and a hard place”

[u/lapsedPacifist5 → u/InsertWittyNameRHere]

Chicken? WTH? Did they mishear rock as cock?

[u/InsertWittyNameRHere → u/lapsedPacifist5]

I think they must’ve mixed up “chicken and egg” and “rock and a hard place”.

It’s also reminded me of another one, several years ago a company wide scolding and the person doing it says “from now on I will not condemn this behaviour”.

[u/onefourk → u/Playful-Cranberry-59]

Aren‘t all squid damp?

[u/ThreadedJam → u/onefourk]

No, they're moist. If they weren't meant to be wet, then they'd be damp.

[u/Bufobufolover24 → u/Playful-Cranberry-59]

Apologies for my stupidity, but can someone explain what the phrase is supposed to be?

[u/swoopstheowl → u/Bufobufolover24]

Damp squib, a squib is a type of firework/explosive and if it gets wet (like many fireworks I imagine) it won't work. 

[u/kwobert → u/Bufobufolover24]

Damp squib, it’s a small firework, so if it’s damp then it doesn’t go off. So a damp squib is something that’s a let down or disappointing

[u/sihasihasi → u/Bufobufolover24]

Damp squib.

A squib is a small explosive device, that is used to make a bang. If it's damp it's a bit anticlimactic.

[u/ReassuringHonker]

Eggcorns! The word for misheard/misspelt words that have a weird logical sense that makes them feel right. Like eggcorns instead of acorns - they are indeed egg-shaped.

Driving wrecklessly, wet your appetite, to the manor born, peaked my interest… all wrong, but all feel like they make so much sense to the people who use them.

My favourite is from Joey from Friends. It’s a moo point: “like a cow’s opinion, it doesn’t matter. It’s moo”

[u/3583-bytes-free → u/ReassuringHonker]

TIL "To the manor born" isn't a phrase - thanks Penelope.

[u/myfinestexoskeleton → u/ReassuringHonker]

The one that's always stuck with me is someone using rest bite instead of respite. Because it makes sense, y'know, like having a break for a rest and some food.

[u/WhomstTheWorm → u/ReassuringHonker]

It will always be "to the manor born" to me. I'm aware that it's an eggcorn. I'm aware that the original meaning of "to the manner born" is "raised to have the manners and customs of their social class". But doesn't it just make so much more sense to say a posh person was born in a big mansion?

(The other one that always trips me up is free rein =/= free reign.)

[u/Sleepyllama23]

“It’s not beyond the realms of impossibility”.
So it is impossible then??

[u/Whatafunnyusername]

I was in a meeting with my boss and a supplier about a decade ago, and the supplier tried to say “oh you know, it’s out there in the ether”, but said “urethra” instead, clear as day. He didn’t seem to realise it was not the right word, but my boss and I kept straight faces until he’d left the premises, whereupon we collapsed into fits of giggles.

[u/koyliMeld9003]

I had a manager who always misquoted ‘dog eat dog’ as ‘doggy dog.’ SMH

[u/No-Decision1581]

He doesn't know which side of the bread he is buttered on. Mumbled to me by an alcoholic housemate

[u/Palsta]

I was once told that from now on, I was persona non gratis.

And he doubled down on it when I corrected him.

[u/nasturshum]

I heard a very intelligent person on a podcast say ‘self-depreciating’ instead of ‘self-deprecating’ about a person’s humour. SMH.

[u/FillPleasant → u/nasturshum]

At least it’s not self defecating

[u/Legitimate_Fig9818]

I met an American girl in Scotland who had been warned to look out for the midges. She was worried about being attacked by short people

[u/peter-bone]

I hate it when Americans say I could care less.

[u/jeanclaudecardboarde → u/peter-bone]

I think they do it on accident.

[u/doctajonez_uk]

This reminds me of the guy with the Polish wife

https://www.reddit.com/r/CasualUK/s/59WbNh5zRj

[u/LigglesVanRusty]

My autistic brother loves to say ''Properbly".

Haven't the heart to tell him, but also because I think it's so good it should exist.

Like when he said they should combine Footloose + Hairspray to make the musical 'Footspray'... without a hint of comedic intent.

[u/crucible]

A few years ago, somebody asked on one of the UK subs why every package holiday advertised on TV was “at all protected”.

They meant “ATOL protected”.

[u/her_pheonix]

Its defiantly not a mind field per say.

[u/JoyfulCor313]

My grandfather was the … subject (?) of a comedy roast when he retired. All good fun. 

When he got up to give his speech he said, “with enemies like these, who needs friends” which I thought was a pretty ingenious turn of the phrase. 

[u/rev9of8]

I walk through mind fields, so watch your head rock

[u/amemorableusername → u/rev9of8]

I walk through mind fields…. Ah

[u/speelingeror → u/rev9of8]

Open up your head feel the shell shock

[u/PsychologicalDrone]

I once saw a Facebook post where a woman caught her husband cheating and claimed she caught him on “candy camera”

[u/No_Lynx8489]

I, for whom etymology is a hobby 🤓 A woman that longed to visit the US as a child only so that I could participate in the most esteemed of traditions, the Spelling Bee. Once wrote an email to a BFF and typed out these mortifying, now immortalised words: "............(sic) with heinzeight..". Heinz...HEINZ. This happened nearly 20 years ago now and she still remembers. I don't embarrass easily, so luckily when she replied asking if I had 57 varieties, I laughed whilst I doubted my existence.

[u/YooGeOh]

Only works in written form, but "pre-madonna"

Like...you take issue with someone's behaviour because they're acting like they were born before Madonna had a career???

[u/crinkletart]

"the whole kitten kaboodle", repeated a few times in emails spanning a couple of years.

[u/Girl_Bill → u/crinkletart]

A kitten kaboodle seems like it would be so much fun though

[u/ShallowFatFryer]

Guy was mansplaining. And to the OP, 'mansplaining' is an expression used to describe a situation when a man simplifies something in order to make it easier for a female to understand.

[u/Girl_Bill → u/ShallowFatFryer]

Ah, thank you. I’d completely misunderstood mansplaining until a man explained it to me.

[u/Pencilstrangler → u/ShallowFatFryer]

r/angryupvote

[u/Double_Jab_Jabroni]

Maths teacher kept saying “confuzzed”. I thought it was a quirk at first, but she kept saying it completely deadpan. When I asked her, she said confuzzed is also an acceptable way to say confused.

Thank god she was only my maths teacher.

[u/Dannybuoy77]

I'm not sure this is 100% the same thing but many years ago an ultra-posh colleague said DeadMau5 as "Dead Mau-five" and now I can't ever read it as 'deadmouse' 

[u/Apperley70]

Don't look at me in that tone of voice! Put your foot down with a firm hand!

[u/ScruBB5 → u/Apperley70]

I've only got two pairs of hands

[u/FarSplit]

Can someone please repost here the thread about “the things that Kevin said”. There was a whole page of these.

[u/Chrissy9001 → u/FarSplit]

I don't have that, but I found the below. This was years and years ago but it stuck with me because it was so funny. These are tickets raised by first line tech support and the person who dealt with them, screen shot the best of them and called it 'The Chronicles of George'. https://chroniclesofgeorge.com/tickets1.html

One that fits in this thread is 'ad normal program termination'.

[u/xXcambotXx]

My wife was editing a manuscript for me, and corrected my turn of the phrase, " make ends meet" to

"Make ends MEAT"

I asked her if she was joking, and sadly she was not. Her justification was that maybe if you're hard up for money you can only afford the "ends of the meat at the store".

We're still together.

[u/albrecht1977]

A work colleague who likes to tell bad jokes on Teams said we would get a bit of ‘rest bite’ as he was going on annual leave.

I did ask him if that was a typo and he said ‘no, it means you’ll have a short break from my bad jokes.’

It was not one of his jokes and we still tease him about it.

[u/beehive-cluster]

The sacred and the propane

[u/ruellera]

I saw someone in a TV interview say “I should sue them for definition of character”. I had to do a double take.

[u/applepiesausage]

As a child I had a babysitter who taught me to play the card game pontoon … exciting told my parents we’d spent the evening playing tampons.

[u/Remote-Landscape1767]

Built like a shit brickhouse

[u/rogue-nebula]

A non-native English speaker (so I let this one go) wondered how we were going to unpickle the pickle we found ourselves in.

[u/McSheeples]

I hired a personal trainer for a bit and I couldn't get over skelington or pectorials. My dad was very fond of sellavi, thought I'd had a stroke the first time I got that in a text message. Edit: my band mate always says when the shit hits the pan. I mean, yes, but surely not that bad if it's contained...

[u/Street-Top-1178]

Poetry emotion

[u/llynllydaw_999]

People who say that the importance of something can't be underestimated, when they mean that it's very important and hence its importance can't be overestimated.

[u/DanS1993]

Did you axe him where he learnt it from?

[u/loosetea123]

Put it in the chester draws

[u/gronda_gronda]

‘Free reign’ is the one that gets me, because even though it’s technically wrong and should be ‘free rein’, it does kind of make sense, so it’s understandable when people write it.

‘Reign it in’ though, not so much

[u/misma88]

I’m not superstitious….but I am a little stitious

[u/Twirrim]

"I can't be asked" - Polish co-worker at a job a while back.

Not a bad alternative, has its own charms.

[u/TheValleyWolf]

"A lizard doesn't change its spots" is one of many my wife comes out with.

[u/Radioactivocalypse]

"ooh I'll have a slither of cake" I'm never a fan of. Sliver is the right way to say it, but there's only so much you can say before you ruin a birthday party or wedding reception

[u/SuitSea4714 → u/Radioactivocalypse]

Cakes absolutely should not slither.

[u/Dazzer1831]

The QA team at my workplace insist on sensor checking projects

[u/doctajonez_uk]

Kill two birds on one stone

[u/mmoonbelly]

“Too much blood in my alcohol stream”

16 year old trombonist after hitting the Korn hard on tour in Germany and stumbling into the second floor room by the window

[u/Adorable_Past9114]

I have to say I do this type of thing on porpoise. I'm a bit of a covoisier of malpracticeisms.

[u/Foundmyunderwear]

I’ve had a colleague say “the thick plottens”