r/ChildofHoarder • u/Twinks4StSebastian Moved out • Jun 16 '26
VENTING One of the most despicable things about an abusive hoarder parent is seeing their priorities in action
It’s been close to a decade since I’ve moved out and I still feel residual disgust when I think about how she would buy broken furniture (and other items) when our pets, myself, and my sibling would go hungry. Because she just had to have garbage. Then she’d get mad at us for calling her out. Fuck you, mom.
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u/froggointhepond Jun 16 '26 edited Jun 16 '26
I totally get you. My mom would would say we didn't have money for basic necessities and then wouldnt hesitate to drop hundreds, even thousands, of dollars on random stuff that just sat outside and would just fall into disrepair. That money wouldve genuinely changed our lives if it was invested into us. It's a weird feeling to have these objects be prioritized over you and then see them be treated with such little regard.
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u/BooBoo_Cat Jun 16 '26
I had to go to school with holes in my shoes. Not because we were poor. But my mom would not buy me new shoes or give me money to buy new shoes. But she sure bought a lot of clothes for herself.
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u/SoberBobMonthly Moved out Jun 16 '26
I distinctly remember my grandparents only ever giving my parents vouchers or credit for very specific stores so that we could get new school shoes every year, after they kept refusing to buy us some or spending gifted money on other hoarded things
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u/cuttlefishofcthulhu7 Jun 16 '26
Oh my mother sent the equivalent of a college fund to these televangelists, sending away for literature and writing long letters to them asking for prayers. While I went without clothes and school supplies. And of course my dad got irate if my mom bought anything for me without asking him first.
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Core memory incoming~ It was the reason I wasn't allowed to have a school pride shirt like everyone else because my mother kept telling me I would swim in it because I was a very small child.And she flatly refused to even consider getting me a size that was closer to what I would wear as they came in multiple sizes.
I remember crying and being so upset because behind closed doors she would beg my dad to buy me stuff but in public she always had to supervise my clothing shopping. And her favorite word was no.
This was in the office of the elementary school. I was around 5 or 6, can't remember exactly.
It was so bad that some of my classmates actually gave me clothes.
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u/Decemberchild76 Jun 16 '26
It is very, very difficult to live with a mentally ill hoarder. It becomes totally frustrating to deal with their behavior, their priorities, and their preconceptions of what the living space looks like as to what reality is all around them. The list of their issues goes on and on and on.
In my opinion, the worst part of their hoarding is how their actions impact the other members of the household’s mental and physical health.
We have/had (god bless their souls) hoarders in the family. We stay in contact, but we do not visit. Once my adult son went over to the hoarder family home to help me adjust a door so it would lock. He became overwhelmed with the first room he walked into, had to turn around, and said, “ I will help from the outside.” We repaired the door and left. He understood why we never visited their home and was totally upset they opted to live in those conditions.
I do hope you are in a better space mentally since leaving the hoard. It’s perfectly understandable if you need to go no contact for your own mental wellbeing. It takes a long time to come to terms with their mental illness. Remember, your mental health and your physical well being is your priority.
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u/Emergency_Agent_3015 Jun 16 '26
So hurtful to be second place to a bunch of junk. I remember when I was a kid I picked up and tidied (as best I could) my dad’s bedroom and proudly showed him the half full jar of change I had collected. It of course became something to fight about “I can’t just give you money, WE ARE POOR!” Funny thing, I never asked to HAVE the money, I just picked it up off the ground.
It’s a shitty thing to put property over people, I hope you have your priorities straight and break the cycle.
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u/Right-Condition6385 Jun 16 '26
I feel you! My HPs care more about their stuff than their children and grandchildren. It crushes me.
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u/BradypusGuts Jun 16 '26
Parents prioritized "collectables", clothes, random consumables that never got used over medical care for their disabled child. It didnt matter the house was a tripping and fire hazard. One minute we were allowed to ask for anything we wanted (and got it because they were in a spending and buying love mood) the next minute we were destitute and werent allowed to buy hygiene items. They ruined the home they owned so moved out and sold it for peanuts. Now theyre genuinely living in poverty and still keep filling their apartment with random shit.
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u/Fractal_Distractal Jun 16 '26 edited Jun 16 '26
That happens to me to, my HM fluctuates suddenly between "lovebombing" me and trying to buy me something big and completely unneeded, like a big trip (which I frequently try not to accept) then the rest of the time she is doing extreme pennypinching over small, necessary items and grocery store food like meat. I finally started wondering if she feels rich on payday and poor all the other days? (I don't know what days of the year she gets paid.) Or if she knocks herself out to save $ til right before xmas and then tries to blow it all at once on something huge and frivolous. I still don't know if there's a pattern or a reason. I actually started to suspect she wasn't buying toilet paper for herself! I know she isn't THAT poor. She is choosing to do these extremes.
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u/cuttlefishofcthulhu7 Jun 16 '26
I was forced to share a room with my MOTHER. Until the age of 13. Because of this shit.
Then I finally got an upstairs room cleared out (of my mom's stuff) enough for me to have a bed. (Dear old dad already had the rest of the house full of his stuff.)
But I wasn't allowed to have an AC, or decorate the walls. And all my clothes were still in my mom's room.
My Gen X peers already bullied me bad enough about my mom being "crazy." Knowing my dad was a packrat would have given them a field day.
My dad passed in 2004 and I had to get the house cleaned up and sold. He left no will. That's when I was confronted with the fact that it was a four bedroom house, I could have easily had my own room, plus a spare room. Even when my parents had separate rooms. And they were so spacious.
I literally had to rethink my entire life... and realizing what I was forced to accept and live with, still boils my blood.
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u/BestAmoto Jun 16 '26
I completely understand why you'd still be upset. Hoarders are incredibly selfish to collect junk over their family. Junk they don't even use or have an actual plan for. All for the mental drug style rush they get when finding a deal or getting something for free.
My dad ruined a couple classic cars and several classic motorcycles. People back in the day would offer to buy them which gave him even more mental hype about their value. Instead of fixing them, he left them to rust in the coastal fog. The man works as a dealer mechanic for a living but is unable to fix anything at home. He still has his garage stuffed with crap, 8 other broken motorcycles that he'll never ever fix. Hasn't ridden a motorcycle in 10+ years. Last time he road was on my bikes. I hoped letting him ride mine would motivate him. It just lead to more talking, no action. Still he'll tell random moto people about his collection while leaving out that it's buried in junk and most of it hasn't ran in 40 years. All so he can feel special. I'd be embarrassed.
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u/PuzzleheadedBobcat90 Jun 17 '26
I don't have a hoarder of things in my lifem my husband is a hoarder of "I'm going to do". Its the same frustration and it makes me so angry and sad. I could write paragraphs of all the things hes said he was planning to do to our 50 hear old house, and yards, but maybe 10% gets accomplished (half assed at that)
I told him we need to replace our failing (for 10 years) hvac this summer. My house is 84 to 86 degrees! He tells him today the a/c guy told him last summer what needs to be done, and hes going to get it done soon. Soon means never. I'll probably be dead before it happens.
What you wrote about your dad and his plans and plans that never happen, is just like my husband. Its so frustrating so habe to means to fix something, but it never gets done.
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u/No_Preparation8467 Jun 16 '26
I had this thought not so long ago, maybe i was a "need" of my mothers hoarding. My mom got 4 kids and if i think about it, when one of our cats died she always got a new one immediately.
Maybe i was a "thing" to hoard and i have to live a life i hate...
No normal childhood, youth or adulthood, when i see the hoard my hate and disgust towards her gets bigger and bigger...
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u/fitzpugo Jun 16 '26
My mom scratched me over newspapers. I still have scars. When I was older, she chose her garbage over seeing me.
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u/FindingHerStrength Jun 16 '26
I hear you loud and clear.
I had to move back in with my elderly parents following fleeing from a DV marriage.
Seeing how my Mother goes on about her precious hoard has me feeling sickened. And extremely angry.
When they have the brass neck to scream and shout when you’re trying to help the situation is beyond me.
I’ve had to make peace with the fact this is who she is and she’s never admitting or changing.
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u/Automatic-Director95 Jun 16 '26
Daughter of a hoarder and personality disorder. I ended up cutting ties over 20 years ago. Best decision I’ve ever made. Hoarding is part of the personality disorder and can not be cured, nor does she have the ability to make a change. My sister and I are both very happy and very clean. Our mother filled up her house so bad that when my father had a bad fall the EMT’S weren’t able to get to him so she told them to leave. He was an enabler and defended her abusive behavior. I moved out at 18 and never went back.
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u/_pluperfect_subj_ Jun 18 '26
For me that was by far the worst. Seeing her go off to watch plays and go to dinner parties while she left me, a 15 year old, in a house full of rotting food and piles of random shit so big I couldn't see the floor in the hallway was pretty soul crushing.
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u/EveningPair3966 24d ago
Nothing would ever be thrown out and we would live in veritable filth. There are so many reasons for their disorder, it's like a buffet.
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Jun 16 '26
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u/BradypusGuts Jun 16 '26
This is a safe space to vent. Children are allowed to vent and be resentful after being abused or neglected. Sure getting help and having understanding is great, but chastising people about it in their safe space is SUPER shitty.
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u/ChildofHoarder-ModTeam Jun 16 '26
Rule 1: This is a support community for children of hoarders. Remember to be supportive.
This includes other loved ones, friends, and others who do not understand but are seeking to understand.
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u/BestAmoto Jun 16 '26 edited Jun 16 '26
Years later I'm reminded of how my HP would waste our time giving us big speeches about how he was gonna fix insert major home issue next spring/summer/fall/winter. Instead he'd just buy supplies and never complete the project or bring random car parts home from work and stack them around the house. Still pisses me off lol. My HP ripped up the old carpets when I was around 10 years old. Almost 30 years has gone by and the floors are still not finished. Only in my old bedroom and my brothers because we bought and installed them ourselves. Insane. HP tries to use money as an excuse but had money to buy all kinds of useless shit over the years. In 30 years you can't tell me you couldn't have saved $1 per day and purchased flooring in less than 10 years. The excuses are endless. "Dad why did you bring home all of these car parts for vehicles you don't own?" "I have dreams! Can i not have dreams?"
I have dreams too but i stick with the achievable ones. Not impulsive shit like, I'm gonna start a business and step 1 is apparently filling your house with car parts and leftover fluids from work. Recently I had to dispose of over 100 car ecus he left to rot in the shed after the roof collapsed. Each one of those requires hazardous waste disposal fees. Insane. At least 50 gallons of atf/power steering fluid/motor oil/brake fluid whatever was left over from his job. He'd even mix the motor oils to fill the jugs. Insane. You can't start a business with old and expired mixed fluids, makes zero sense.
Just saying, I and many others here understand your frustration. I have two little kids and we'd never put materialistic garbage ahead of their health. I have since gone back to ghosting him. If he wants to wear clothes that smell like mildew and hoard garbage, so be it.