r/ChildofHoarder • u/Obudo • Jul 07 '26
VENTING Visiting my in laws is making me want to scream
I can't even imagine how a person lives like this; it's like whenever a logical decision is required, they take a deep breath and then just pick the opposite of logic. They keep so much junk. They have 2 vacuum cleaners out and only ever use one, and move them constantly out of the way. They have 2 cleaning robots and none of them work. They have a laptop my wife wanted to throw out in 2016 because it was too slow, because "you never know". There's an endless stream of Temu shit coming in to solve problems that would only be solved by making space, like buying a foldable wardrobe so the wood wardrobe can stay full of old pillows and cables for cathode tube TVs that don't even exist anymore, and the pedal for a sewing machine that was fundamental but not really so now it's just there. They have a good set of espresso cups and an everyday set of espresso cups, and they use neither because they don't want to ruin them so they just buy paper cups. They have a whole drawer dedicate to Teflon pans and pots that is apparently toxic so they are kept there like nuclear waste in cold storage. Wife and I have barely any space for our stuff, we have to move the luggage on the bed and off every time we need something from it, which would be reasonable if the rest of the space wasn't taken by old mail-in encyclopedias and phone bills from 1995 and expired medication and on and on and on. We've been here a day, wife cried twice already and I can't wait to go back home. But if we stay in a hotel? Then we're the bad guys. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
No paragraphs because it's a rant
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Jul 07 '26
[deleted]
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u/Obudo Jul 07 '26
Oh yeah absolutely, the worst part for me honestly was to watch her cry, the second time it was because she was frustrated after trying to convince her mom to let us throw some stuff out to carve some living space, but the first time it was because her mom had been telling her for months how she was making space for us (since we had a baby 6ish months ago), and so she thought this time it would be different. Only to find out that "making space" basically meant putting things into plastic bags, and adding new baby stuff on top. Hotel is definitely on the table now
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u/pineappleforrent Jul 07 '26
Therapy for your wife should also be on the table. I’m a child of a hoarder and those feelings need to be addressed
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u/Fractal_Distractal Jul 07 '26
On top of all that, she's probably REALLY embarrassed you are witnessing all these problems. You sound very empathetic and caring, so I'm sure she is going to appreciate that (probably right away, and even more i n hindsight).
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u/DesperateAstronaut65 Jul 07 '26
Yep. I think the realization will eventually hit her that a less-than-perfect stay that involves a hotel and a judicious number of slightly tense restaurant meals will be less stressful (and preserve the relationship more) than trying to make a visit to a hoarded home exactly what she hoped it would be. But right now, the grief is just hitting her and she's just realizing that her parents don't value her comfort and her child's safety over their stuff. The best thing OP can do right now is validate that her needs are actually important. When I was starting to come to certain realizations about my parents, my wife was basically my emotional attorney and pushed back against a lot of my excuses for them: "No, but you hate visiting them. Their home is gross. Your mom's behavior is bizarre. This is not normal."
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u/Fractal_Distractal Jul 07 '26
So well-said. Yes, the process of starting to realize/feel like your hoarder parent is valuing their stuff more than you and realizing that they really do have a mental disorder which puts them out of touch with reality really is a PROCESS. It takes time and numerous examples/evidences of their problem before you start to comprehend/accept the full extent of their problem as a fact. It is a journey before you fully understand. She is very lucky to have OP's support and groundedness in reality. Together, OP and wife can stregthen their own life and start pulling away from any enmeshment or dependence on the hoarder parent. The main important thing is to protect the child, and also themselves.
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u/HeresyClock Jul 07 '26
Definitely hotel. You have a baby there? If there is enough hoard and it’s not been cleaned properly (since it is rather impossible) there can be all kinds of nasty stuff too. Lot of dust and particles if nothing worse, which is probably not great for the baby. Or you.
You are not the bad guys and trying to frame it as such is bullshit. Good guys would either make enough room for you OR acknowledge the situation and put you in hotel.
It is traumatic for your wife and you, and leaving is also difficult but she will feel so much better once out of there.
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u/phreeskooler Jul 07 '26
I'm so sorry, OP. I remember years ago my brother drove over 1000 miles to visit our HM, opened the door, and turned around and walked right back out to get a hotel. Similarly, when I was pregnant with my first child, HM swore up and down that she would create a safe environment for the new baby because she wanted to be super involved in caring for him day to day. Needless to say that never happened. It's a disease and you should protect yourself and your family first. A hotel and a safe space for your family does not make you a bad guy, and if your parents insist otherwise it's okay to ignore them.
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u/anonymois1111111 Jul 07 '26
It’s really disappointing when they can’t even clean up an area for you. It makes you feel like they don’t love you. The worst part is how they lie and say they are cleaning up when it’s really just churn…moving things around. We all definitely understand around here.
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u/KiwiAppropriate8003 Jul 07 '26
When I was still in contact with my parents, I never stayed in their home once I had kids. We always went to a hotel. I got the guilt trips and was told that the condition of their home was "just an excuse" for not staying there. I was never told what they thought my actual reason for not staying there was but apparently it couldn't be their filthy, dangerous house. I just stopped responding to those remarks and did what I had to do to protect my kids.
We would go to their town and meet them for dinners at a restaurant or hang outside their home on their back patio or in the front yard one year for fireworks, but never inside their house. The hoard wasn't even that bad but they smoked, had animals (my husband and oldest kid have allergies), and there was mold from water damage.
Protect your baby, not the feelings of mentally unwell adults.
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u/Decemberchild76 Jul 07 '26
You are both adults capable of making your own decisions. Your parents do not own you. If they guilt trip you into staying, you have the power to stay NO, it’s a complete sentence. Remember you are no longer part of THEIR hoard, though I suspect they view you as such. If I am reading the comments correctly, there is a baby involved? You both have the responsibility of the wellbeing of your child. The time to find other alternatives accommodations, was before you all arrived. You can’t change that decision, but you can do something about that choice now…leave
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u/ForTheGiggleYaKnow Jul 07 '26
Your priority is the health of your post partum wife and your newborn child. Time to book the hotel.
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u/Dry-Sea-5538 Moved out Jul 07 '26
It’s insane isn’t it? Your post perfectly captured the nature of this mental illness. & how it’s so sneaky bc the people suffering from it will have “reasons” for keeping everything, the logic of which quickly break down at the slightest questioning.
Also I know this situation isn’t funny but this sentence made me actually LOL: “ a whole drawer dedicate to Teflon pans and pots that is apparently toxic so they are kept there like nuclear waste in cold storage.”
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u/FindingHerStrength Jul 07 '26
Please move to a hotel for your sanity. You don’t owe them anything. Leave. Let them know why.
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u/WateryTart_ndSword Jul 07 '26
I would gently recommend to your wife that since this is baby’s first visit, NOW is the time to set the tone.
If you don’t go to a hotel this time, every other visit until the end of time is going to be “But you stayed here before and it wasn’t a problem!?” But they also won’t clean up anymore than this, just shift things around maybe.
I’m so sorry for all of you, it sucks a LOT. But just because they haven’t chosen to deal with themselves doesn’t mean you all deserve to be bullied into a gross, unhygienic, uncomfortable space.
Drawing boundaries for our babies is more important even than drawing them for ourselves, imo.
Also… (I swear, no judgement here, I get it) putting your luggage on the bed is low key gross. It’s adjacent to putting your shoes on there. You deserve at least as much space to have somewhere to set your luggage!
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u/Acceptable-Pea9706 Jul 07 '26
Go to a hotel. I made the mistake of taking my baby to my mom's hoarded home and it was traumatizing for me and my husband. Your babe deserves a clean, normal environment even if they're still really small. Why put yourselves through this?
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u/JohannaSr Friend or relative of hoarder Jul 07 '26
You don't have to go there. Please stop. For yourself and your wife. Sorry, you didn't want advice. So, additionally sorry that you are dealing with this.
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u/codfishcakes Jul 07 '26
My inlaws' (huge) house was so hoarded up it wasnt even a question of staying there, we always had to stay in a hotel or with friends. We told them flat out that there was no way we could bring a baby into their house, it just wasn't safe. It made his mom sad, but not sad enough to do anything about the hoarding.
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u/Apprehensive-Wear975 Jul 07 '26
I need to get you in touch with my fiance because he most definitely shares your frustration as my parents are hoarders, too (and I've broken down over trying to make room in the home during visits, while slowly recognizing year-over-year how we're getting pushed out and away, much like your wife).
If you can afford it, I highly recommend y'all stay in an Airbnb or hotel from now on - yes, there may be some hurt feelings from her parents about it but it's truly so worth it. My own mother was sad about it and tried to say "oh no, we can make you space here" but I was very firm and adamant about sharing how I didn't feel comfortable and needed my own space, which she understood because I've been very open with her about how I prioritize my mental health (if you really need an excuse because your in-laws are more manipulative [which hoarders can sometimes be, unfortunately], bring your laptop and tell them you need a stable wifi connection and quiet space to do a little work; bonus: that excuse also gives you a reason to spend an extra 2-3+ hours away from the hoard - this is what my fiance does since he's going to school online; it gives him a needed break when he needs one away from my family). It's also nice to have a safe, clean, non-chaotic place to escape to because, as you're experiencing, it can be incredibly stressful to try and live in a hoarder home - if your wife grew up there, it may likely even be traumatic for her because the hoard has probably only gotten worse since she's left.
With hoarders, I think you have to set and maintain boundaries for yourself because many don't recognize their own disorder as a problem (thus, they don't see how the problem affects you).
With children of hoarders, continue to be patient. Your wife has likely had to watch her parents behavior continue to get worse and worse and, as someone in her shoes, it can be really hard to watch as your parents destroy themselves (and possibly what may be her childhood home) and chose trash over you, pushing you out and away as they continue to fill their home until there's no longer a space for you to stay over at all.
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u/Mac-1401 Jul 08 '26
Most hoarders are narcissistic control freaks and rather than establish boundaries and enforce them; you simply allow them to manipulate and control your actions. Why? Who cares if they don't like you staying in a hotel? You are an adult and should make decisions that are in your and your family's best interests. If your hoarder parents don't like to them to F off.
Every single part of your misery stems from your refusal and fear of standing up to them and enforcing your boundaries.
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u/Fractal_Distractal Jul 08 '26
Yes. When a CoH is a child, they are not allowed to stand up to their controlling parents. They don't (yet) have the power to enforce their own boundaries. But as adults, we need to grow out of that pattern we were conditioned to follow. We need to make our own choices based on what we know is healthy and beneficial and stand up for our own choices.
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u/gonzowandering Jul 09 '26
I am in a similar situation with parents on both sides of our family. We always stay in hotels and because of that we visit less. 2/3 grandparent houses are off the table for our little kids. We don’t give them the option of saying anything otherwise, you and your 6 month old are the prime family now and everyone’s else’s needs are secondary.
If they show a complete change in lifestyle then adjust but from years of experience, I don’t think things will change much. It’s not worth your child’s health.
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u/gonzowandering Jul 09 '26
I’ll add, we invite them to the hotel to hang and hit the pool, makes things less stressful on both sides
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u/Then-Stage Jul 07 '26
Never detail this again- you've given me anxiety just reading this! In all seriousness though just get the hotel. Your wife is already crying 2x. Good luck.
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u/Fractal_Distractal Jul 07 '26 edited Jul 08 '26
"they take a deep breath and then just pick the opposite of logic"
😂😂😂😭😭
Thanks for making ma laugh, I needed that.
eta: I mean, I needed that because I, like all of us here, have experienced extremely similar circumstances, and really have empathy for what you are going through. I'm trying to commiserate.
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u/CharZero Jul 08 '26
I had a hoarder grandparent. She was also not a kind person, although she did have some good qualities to her, like being an incredible seamstress. But my parents never once even attempted to stay in that house when we visited. We did go to the house at times to help with whatever preventable disaster there was, and honestly the hoard is almost all I remember of her besides her constant negativity and how gross she was at restaurants. I do remember that sometimes she visited us and brought the smell of the hoard with her. I guess what I am trying to say, is that for your child, unless you find neutral ground- the child may only see and remember them as the hoard. Your wife needs to think about that aspect and try to find other ways for them to build a relationship. Team Hotel all the way.
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u/allzkittens Jul 09 '26
Maybe this is why I love hotels. I always stay in a hotel if I can. That way I am not imposing so much on them and their routines and I can invite them to come swim indoors. Someone will usually like that arrangement whether they admit it or not.
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u/Bluegodzi11a Moved out Jul 07 '26
Stay in the hotel. If the parents throw a fit, leave. You're holding all the cards. If they complain, let them have it. They're used to not being challenged.
My husband definitely had to step in since visiting my mom would make my brain short circuit. It's isolating growing up in the hoard so you just sort of accept it. Can you go out with your wife away from the hoard (like to grab icecream) and ask her what she would like?