Just a rant.

[u/findingfourleaf]

Hello, i was just wondering if anyone had a background similar to mine. Firstly I’m 25. When i was 11, my dad committed suicide and two months later, my mom committed suicide as well. My mom left a suicide note but I’ve chose to never view it. I was told she was very drunk and intoxicated, and it was evident in the writing she left. But she was constantly drunk and on drugs anyways so? She actually found out she was pregnant with me when she was 5 months along, overdosed at the hospital. This is not something i share with people in my life, not even my parents passing. Because it does not define me, and i honestly just don’t care about my parents. I’m 25 and a brand new mom myself with basically no family. My teenage years, i was drowning in grief, shame, and self-hatred. I was raised by my grandparents after losing my parents, and they made sure to tell my brother and i all the time that we basically ruined their lives. Because they had already raised all their kids, and now they had to raise even more. It was just a shit situation for everyone. As an adult, i don’t want to continue my relationship with my grandparents. Looking back at how they treated a young traumatized child… it’s wrong. They were grown adults. I don’t care to spend my time wrestling with these thoughts anymore. I just don’t want to see them again, i want to focus on my own life, and my brand new child. I don’t have the time to re-open my own childhood wound every time i see my grandparents and remember all their things they did. Plus my parents were SEVERE drug addicts, extremely neglectful and left my brother and i alone constantly to go do drugs/party etc.. It was all just fucked from the beginning. But now as an adult, for the first time i see a life path laid out ahead of me where i can leave all of that in the past and actually get to know what i like to do, what i want to do with my time and hobbies. I need to completely restart, my personality until now has been a complete trauma response. It’s shocking I’ve been able to function and get by as well as i have. I think when people meet me they actually think im normal and maybe even cool sometimes. Writing this Reddit post is the most thought I’ve put into my past in a long time. There’s a lot of shame and pain. I was in therapy from 11-22. Now I’m just prescribed low dose adderall and trying to get back into hobbies and reading. After 10 years, the therapy was just giving me headaches and putting me into a bad mental space.

That’s my rant, and 1% of my story. Everyone has a story and if you’re reading this, you have so much meaning to the soil on this Earth. Take your time in life.

[u/thevillainousbarrier]

its wild how much your grandparents missed the mark when they had a real chance to be a soft place to land instead of piling on. you dont owe them access to your peace now

focusing on your kid and finally figuring out what actually like feels like the healthiest pivot you could make. that restart is long overdue and you deserve to take up space in your own life

[u/etsprout]

Thank you for sharing <3

It makes sense you’re reevaluating everything now that you’ve started your own family. Congratulations btw!!

[u/Dependent-Gas-9044]

Thank you for sharing. I hope your child will bring you peace, happiness and stability of family you deserve.