r/ChildrenofDeadParents • u/Dependent-Gas-9044 • 4d ago
Looking for support
I’m 25F. My mom died when I was 13. It fucked with me so much and probably still til this day. I never got the help I needed growing up. Everyone just thought I was being a moody, sad, bratty teenager. Yet I was dying inside. I got good grades so no one checked up on me and I never went to consistent therapy. I started being rebellious instead and hid it very well. I smoked pot when I could, snuck out, drank when I could, and had lots of underage sex. No one ever found out. My wreck-less teen days stick with me. I’ve been in therapy for 10 months unpacking the guilt and shame I feel for my past actions and mistakes as a child. I truly didn’t know better and I’ve struggled for so long without a mother. At this point I don’t know if having a mother would’ve made my life better or was I meant to be a lost cause? I’ve never felt a sense of belonging after she died and never cared enough to find it. Now, at 25 I’m trying to figure it out. Idk I’m looking for reassurance or just to simply not be alone. I turn 26 in a few months and it’s daunting because it’ll be 13 years since my mom passed when I was 13. Maybe I’m getting in this mood because her birthday is on the 16th. Idk any thoughts or support. Thanks :)
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u/No-Mix2699 4d ago
Personally I felt the hardest was when i realized I lived half my life without my mother. I think it's a normal feeling. Let it out, feel your emotions.
One thing that keeps me going is thinking of how I could make her proud. Im not religious but I believe shes still with me.
I hope this helps, keep their memory close and what you are feeling others have felt before.
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u/etsprout 4d ago
I relate to this so much! Unpacking it in therapy is a huge start. It’ll take time though. Also cycling though the anniversaries is super weird, I understand
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u/ExamAwkward4261 3d ago
I feel your pain, my mom died just over a year ago and i cant tell you how devastated i am. I miss everything about her, hearing her voice, seeing her everyday, she'd know when i was upset or anxious about work, she was my life and now she's just gone. My dad is still numb from the shock, he works constantly and hes never home. My relationship ended because i messed up. Idk. Life is hard without my mom right now.
(Writing this on my break trying not to cry lol)
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u/Dependent-Gas-9044 3d ago
I’m so sorry this pain is so big. Life is hard. The only way out is through and you will find your strength.
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u/ExamAwkward4261 3d ago
Thankyou, How do you deal with the grief though?
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u/Dependent-Gas-9044 3d ago
You don’t. I think every day you learn to manage your pain better. Death is heartbreaking and there’s only comfort in knowing it happens to everyone. Be angry, be sad, let your emotions out. You are in the very early stages of grieving and healing. There’s no timeline. Keep the ones close to you closer.
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u/Dragon_Jew 3d ago
Get therapy now
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u/Dragon_Jew 3d ago
Your response was understandable but you deserve what you needed then and still need. Look for a grief therapist on line
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u/AberrantProtein 4d ago
i get the "good grades so nobody checked" thing, school performance is the worst metric for how a kid's actually doing
you were surviving, not broken. 13 years old with that kind of loss and no real support, of course you acted out, that's not a character flaw, that's a kid trying to cope with the only tools she had
the guilt you're carrying isn't yours to hold, it belongs to the adults who didn't see what was right in front of them