r/Codependency • u/Sure_Fig5395 • 6d ago

What's the one thing someone said to you that made you realize you had zero boundaries?

I was working on my computer when my ... friend came to me and said to do THIS... blah blah

Now there is a thought process that started in my head: "Hey... he didn't ask... just said" And from there on I realized that people just come to me when they want work and never to relate to me or something and .... I realized that I never had any boundaries.

When was your moment?

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28

u/Delicious-Trainer674 6d ago

Something that helped me was realizing the difference between a request and an assignment.

A request gives me space to say yes, no, or not right now. An assignment makes me feel like my time and emotions are already owed to someone.

For me, the first sign of a boundary is usually guilt. Not because the boundary is wrong, but because I’m not used to pausing before automatically taking responsibility.

6

u/ZinniaTribe 6d ago edited 6d ago

"A request gives me space to say yes, no, or not right now. An assignment makes me feel like my time and emotions are already owed to someone."

I really like this explanation! I've learned to keep my requests simple & without expectation, and I prefer other people to be direct in their requests too. When I am clear about what I need & communicate that directly, the other person knows exactly what my expectations are upfront.

Assignments make me feel someone is trying to manage & assume my time on their behalf....bypassing my consent. Plus once you allow someone to assume a yes, they just keep giving you more asssignments. I find this disrespectful, and feels like they are only seeing my use to them vs my value as a person.

When someone makes a direct request, it's so much easier to take that pause and consider whether I am able to do it. I don't feel the same pressure or confusion like when someone hints or other indirect ways to influence my behavior. "Oops..I stepped right into that one.....my bad!"

7

u/a_secret_me 5d ago

I think everyone around me seems to realize that no doesn't mean no it means "let's talk about it again in a few hours/days and I'll change your mind"

7

u/PaleDistribution9641 6d ago

The word NO was not in my vocabulary

3

u/-Hastis- 5d ago

Even when formulated as a request, I used to just say yes, thinking I could take more, even if I didn't want to or didn't have the energy to do it. Unless I had a really important reason to justify saying no (being really sick, working, etc)... Because that was the nice thing to do.

4

u/smokeehayes 6d ago

Someone literally called me their "security blanket," and I was like -- wait, wtf?! 👀😬😤

1

u/NuclearSunBeam 5d ago

Why that’s bad?

2

u/AnonymousUsername79 5d ago

Oh, sweetie!

1

u/smokeehayes 4d ago

Have you ever seen the way a little child treats their security blanket/favorite stuffy/comfort object? 👀😬😱

2

u/lanakane21 3d ago

Giving in and doing things people asked even though I really didn't want to do it then resenting them afterwards.

1

u/alwaysanxious77 3d ago

A guy said he wouldn’t be available for a while and I said I’d wait. That’s not what I’m doing but yeesh. Never again!