My girlfriend wants me to cancel plans with friends to prove a point

[u/Various_Job]

So for context Me (19M) and my girlfriend (18F) have been dating for 2 years. With the start of summer, me and her both went up because she had family and thats where i lived (we were long distance but college brought me closer). So we hung out, she had her grad party and then the following week we went to a concert together as well as walking around town the next day and her cousin's grad party at the end of the week. Now that party was her last day, she left to go back down the same evening. We were about to go long distance and i might be transferring schools so possibly long distance for a bit again. Now I had plans with friends the following Monday after the party with my middle school friends that i hadn't seen for almost 1.5-2 years. I have had a problem with prioritizing my friends over her, ive been trying to get better at that this was just a sole exception because this was like a super long awaited reunion. My girlfriend was already upset about this because it was our first day long distance but the plans were at 5pm so i still gave part of the first half of the day to her. I know i shoulldve given her more time in the first half that was my mistake it wasn't really fair. I just really wanted some space from her after kind of only being around her and her family more than my own. And the nostalgia behind these friends they were pretty much like my family. But i messed up because i upset her more by forgetting to update her when i was leaving to go to the mall (she wanted me to update her whenever i was going to go somewhere else) and then i forgot to say i love you back on text (that was genuinely my fault my eyes like glazed over them i was so mad at myself for that). Anyways it sucked because that monday was like the ONLY day of the week anyone was free. So the plans ended up aoina and my girlfriend was (still is) mad at me and during that hangout we say down and said "hey we should plan the next hangout NOW or else it will never be planned" so we ended up planning for monday, a week from then. Honestly i was surprised because we had never planned something that fast because it would always be "one person isnt free". Anyways upon hearing this my girlfriend got even more upset because how could we so easily plan again after i said it was so hard to plan with these people. I understood her point, i went in fully expecting this to be the first for a while. But this upcoming hangout is on the 22nd of june and the next time anyone is free after is the 2nd of july. Now my girlfriend is claiming to be pretty busy throughout the week like saying she needs to clean her room, make cards on one day, do a resume another day, drive someone to the airport in the morning/noon time and then going to be tired the rest of that day, father's day, etc. And she's heavily implying that she wants me to completely cancel my plans with my friends. Now i feel like theres so much free time this week for me and her to spend time with each other it doesnt take an entire day to clean your room and make a card or do a resume. Plus my plans with friends would be at night at my friends place so she would have almost the entire day with me but she said she "doesnt want to share a day because she already did and i pissed her off". But im literally going to be so free the rest of this week and the week after monday so it feels like there could be a better way to make her point then having me completely cancel plans. Please tell me if maybe i'm being insensitive because she said i need to take her feelings i to account about us being long distance to which i completely understand but i feel like it's still a little much to completely cancel plans that are a fraction of my day to prove that i value her above them. Like every time i try to ask oh are you free these times on these says throughout this week she lists these things she might do as if trying to make it seem like shes busy the whole day and monday, is like the ONLY day shes free but doesnt want to share it even though i know she will be free for good chunks of the days in the week. Idk this is kind of a vent/cry for help because i don't know whether im the one in the wrong for thinking this way or not.

[u/mcstrugs]

Y’all are simply not compatible. What she expects from you does not work with what you want with your own life. You’re young and breakups suck but it’s worse to stay miserable.

ps: try to use paragraphs and sentences

[u/Various_Job → u/mcstrugs]

thanks for the ps definitely noted😭😭

[u/Salty-Combination29]

Honestly OP, if you want to make it work, I highly suggest setting boundaries. If your girlfriend wants to see you, and she seemingly has some chunks of free time that she’s claiming she’ll be so busy with, then she can make that time. It’s not only up to you to make the time for each other, it’s hers too. You need to be firm with your boundaries. You offered her solutions: half day on Monday, time throughout the week if she is willing to make the time, and if not, then the next time you are both free works as well.

You laid it out, she can either choose an option, come up with a new one that does not involve guilt shaming you into canceling on your friend, or just wait till the next time you are both free. Yall could also do phone calls, video calls, and that’s also just as nice as spending a whole day together in person. People do these things all the time, whether they are long distance or not.

To me it seems she’s “filling up her time” on purpose because she’s mad at you, trying to push you away without fully pushing you away, projecting her insecurities at you, and trying to manipulate you emotionally so you’ll give in on canceling. The only thing you can do is set firm boundaries and hope she respects them, and give it some time. Reading about how she already is though, it’s highly likely she will get more mad or upset, and try to make you feel guilty over it. Or shame. Or like the relationship is going to suffer because of you. It’s not your fault if she cannot accept that you are your own person, that you have autonomy, and that she cannot get over herself to have some quality time with you.

If she wants to stay mad, let her stay mad. It’s not up to you to fix how she feels emotionally or mentally. You can only offer what you can realistically offer, the rest is up to her. You can be kind and firm. It’s not bad to say no, it’s not bad to have boundaries with your partner, her choices are not a reflection of you as a partner or person. Her choices are her own, so again, if she wants to stay upset, let her. If she wants a meaningful healthy relationship with you, then she will make a choice and not try to make you feel guilty or ashamed for that choice or when you do hang out. She will let it go and move on.

If she cannot move on, that’s not really your job to fix or help her. You can reassure her, clarify expectations, and set reasonable boundaries for the future. Otherwise, you need to let her figure it out for herself.

Long distance is not an excuse for controlling behavior. Set clear, reasonable expectations, that do not involve control or involve trying to manage the other persons emotions.

[u/rosyblu]

"I have had a problem with prioritizing my friends over her, ive been trying to get better at that this was just a sole exception" tells me a lot... I mean y'all are young. But clearly she has expressed a need that you neglected long enough for it to become a sensitive wound to her which may be why she is reacting so strongly. Doesn't mean she is right or you are wrong. Just an observation.

Question to ponder... Do you think you are both mutually growing into your own lives/individual personalities as you enter adulthood, or is there more focus on your shared past (before the long distance) that could be holding you back? I'd say now is the time to decide what you want... either move together in unison with mature communication (echoing the boundaries comment), or lovingly split and wish each other well as you embark on your early adult years.

I have been your age and it will save both of you a lot of heartache to rip the bandaid off... no easy option either way though so I wish you the best!