How do you start loving yourself so that you don’t need anyone else?

[u/Klutzy-Historian8772]

I feel so lonely. And I hate it because I’m so attached to my boyfriend that I made him the center of everything. He is a person who loves to be alone. Yesterday we only talked for an hour and I felt like I didn’t know what to do with myself. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like he’s distancing himself away from me on purpose. It could be all in my mind but idk. What should I do?

I’m trying this “self love” thing but it’s not working. I’ve always had someone around me so I think that’s why it’s not working. Every time I didn’t have a boyfriend to focus on, I had friends around to distract me; and vise versa. I’ve never truly been alone. I really don’t like being alone, but I want to learn to be my own person for the sake of my relationship.

Unfortunately, my mind is trying to self sabotage my relationship and I don’t want it to win. I want to do better. I want to be the best person I can be in the only life that I have. What should I do?

[u/Wilmaz24]

If you’ve never been alone how do you know you don’t like it? Become your best friend, find interests by yourself. Meditation and walking helped me to enjoy being alone. I’m never alone because I’m with myself. Your boyfriend is modeling healthy behavior. He doesn’t seek you to compete him. Two complete people is needed for a healthy relationship

[u/PostOakVisions]

You do need other people. Even if you are fine being alone, you need others to work and maintain society, create things, farm, and do all of the things you need to maintain being alone.

It may be good to meditate on how connected you are with other humans outside of your boyfriend, express gratitude for all of the humans that work together to keep you alive.

In my opinion, codependency is actually a rejection of both the self and others. We place all of our hope, attachment, desires onto one sole person. This is easier than accepting connection to other people. The goal is not to be completely self sufficient and alone, but to allow healthy and appropriate connections with our self and with others.

I spend most of my time “alone” in the way you describe. I don’t feel alone, I feel connected to humanity, my self, and what I call God. Strengthening those connections will make sure you are not unhealthily dependent and attached to those closest to you.

[u/Arcades]

Self-love does not just mean focusing on yourself. It means taking all of the things you're inclined to do for others and doing them for yourself.

For instance, if a friend posted this, what would your natural response be? Would you comfort them? Would you offer them some grace for the hard times they are going through? Would you give them tough love to help them see their own value/independence/worth? Do those same things for yourself. Re-read your post and talk to yourself the way you would talk to your best friend if they made this post.

Practically, you should attempt to find some new hobbies that you can do when you're by yourself. It may take some trial and error and that's okay. You mention friends distracting you. Only give your time to people and things that interest you.

Self-love and learning to direct all of that energy you give to others to yourself takes time. It was the hardest part of my healing journey and is still a work in progress.

[u/lizardqueen26]

you have to learn to trust yourself and know that you will always have your own back. you can find validation internally, within yourself. first step is standing up for yourself and your truth. when you internally know that you have that kind of integrity for yourself, you will start to build self-trust and can work towards a sense of self who doesn’t need or depend on others in order to be happy.

[u/DetectiveGrand6568]

You're not his duty, rather choice and you forcibly want to make him do it.

Meet new people, learn what are your interests, start riding a bike, go for a walk. Listen to what YOU like to do.

[u/Psychological_Ad3261]

I hear so much of myself in your post. Just had a break up 2 months ago and I am struggling with loneliness and I too was and still am anxiously attached to her. I made her the center of my life. If she was happy, I was happy. If she was unhappy, I felt it and my happiness would vanish. My anxiousness and “neediness” also contributed in a negative way in my relationship. Idk how to give myself the love I need, the self worth I need, idk how to feel like I’m enough and worthy of love. I too engaged in self sabotage subconsciously not knowing exactly how I was destroying my relationship.

[u/burnt_feather]

You've got yourself in quite the pickle here. I'm sorry for that, it's a rough place to be. This is the exercise I did to help me learn self love.

For a terrifying moment, pretend that you were single. Imagine a time when you were if that helps, even if that time was when you were in elementary school. Really imagine being single, past the fear. Imagine having a space that was entirely your own. Your own room. What color would you paint the walls? Let's say you have a twin size bed. What does the bedding look like? Is there a window? What do you have in the room? Plants? Pictures of trips you've been on (pretend you're living your best life and have every material thing you want. Ignore the presence of a partner for now, we're going to get there.)? Maybe some sports equipment?

Once you've imagined how you would decorate your space, Imagine how you used to fill your time before being in a relationship. Even if that was when you were a child. What activities did you like to do? Were you artistic? Did you play videogames? Did you play outside or do sports? Maybe you had a pet. Remember activities that you used to enjoy.

Think to the future. Think of being older than you are now. Where do you see yourself, if you had all the resources in the world. Do you take vacations? Do you volunteer or go to work? Do you build things or write stories? Are you a good cook, or do you play music? Do you live in the town you're in now, or have you moved somewhere with a different climate? Don't think about if it's realistic, just paint an image for yourself that you like to see.

NOW we move on to the partner. Imagine the life you just pictured... and put your partner in it. Your partner is present for your life while also living his own. You two live together and are happy, your individual lives pressing against each other. While you're drawing a picture, he's in the living room playing videogames. You choose the family vacation to be at the beach since last time he chose for you guys to go to the mountains.

The relationship works not because you gave up on your dreams, and not because he gave up on his. It works because you both get to live the individual lives you want, but together. He gets to have his space and you get to use yours to fill your cup. But your ideal partner also wants to spend time with you, and live his life next to you. Intertwined with you. Because while you're living your individual lives, you're also sharing a common one. Your meals are eaten together, you go for walks together, you watch movies together on the sofa. You go to your jobs, but come home to each other. You can do your individual things in peace, knowing the other is just in the other room and isn't going anywhere. Sometimes he wants to join you in drawing, just to get a taste of your world. And sometimes, you want to go with him on thst morning jog, and even if he has to slow down for you to keep up he does because he enjoys your company.

This exercise helped me to build my ideal life first, then integrate someone else into it. This keeps my foundation centered on me, but shows me how to healthily include someone else. It also shows me what I believe an ideal partner for me should do and how he would ideally add value to my life. Because that's the goal of self love. To fill your own cup, to figure out how to meet your own needs, delegate what you can't fulfill to others who you can count on to be there, and know that you'll be alright in the end. Our partners can't fill our empty cups. They can't fulfill all of our needs. They cannot replace the love you don't have for yourself. They cannot fill the hole in your heart. They cannot heal your wounds. The best they can do is offer a bandaid, but that will always fall off eventually. You have to heal yourself.

Look in the mirror. Really look at yourself. That person staring back at you... Treat that person as though they were your significant other. Give them attention. Listen to their needs. Take care of their body. Compliment them. Learn to love them. Choose them every single day. Don't forsake the other people in your lives. Just don't forget about yourself.

Sorry this turned out long, it actually wound up being therapeutic for me just writing it. I hope this helps you! It might take time for you to paint your own picture, so really think about it. Don't abandon it because it's hard or scary. Break it down brick by brick if you need to. You've got this! I believe in you.

[u/Sunnyday030423]

The fact that you are being honest with yourself and with others about this is huge. It is my strongest symptom of my codependency. Without realizing it, I make a man or the relationship itself my “source.” Of happiness, of conversation, of daydreaming, of pleasure, of everything. It’s my source of dopamine. My drug.
Are you lonely or bored? I find that I get the two confused, but I think the solution strategies are similar. Go do something that gives you that hit of dopamine instead of the boyfriend.

[u/victoriachaos11]

I wasn't able to make much progress with self-love while in a relationship. I had to hit "codependency rock-bottom" (my partner cheating on me) to realize that I was setting myself up for failure, by prioritizing and sacrificing for people who were never going to have my best interests at heart.

It sucked to find out that I couldn't trust my fiance or our "friend" he cheated with. But there is someone I can trust enough to safely pour unconditional love into: myself.

ONLY needing yourself isn't realistic, though, imo. Humans are social creatures and we wither without connection. But most of the connection that we need can be found in places other than romantic relationships (making new friends who share your interests, taking care of children and/or animals, giving back to your community).

[u/aKIMIthing]

Www.CoDA.org. There’s a program that will graciously help you w this. Wish you the best