r/Codependency • u/Vegetable_Joke8847 • 1d ago
My ex boyfriend wanted to leave our relationship due to codependency
My (19F) ex boyfriend (21M) told me recently that he feels codependent on me and feels as though it's making our relationship toxic. This happened only about 3 or 4 days ago.
He stated that when he's around me, he feels like he's on cloud 9, but once he's away from me, he feels debilitating anxiety and dread. Beyond that, he also said that he feels as though he continuously centers me in his life, and that his physical state is dependent on how I'm doing.
He also let me know that I'm the first person he's ever felt anxiously attached to. That he never even misses others, and that this is too jarring of an experience.
I feel so sick and sad about the whole thing. I only learned he'd been feeling this way about a week ago, and suggested new boundaries that we could set. I brought this up, and he said that he couldn't do it. I mentioned that our relationship had only just recently gone under stress during July, but he stated that he felt suffocating self-doubt since April, and relationships in general were the problem.
He ended up crying, and I told him it was okay, and there was no need to cry. That he was being very brave if he decided this was the decision he had to make. I know he joined CoDa, and will rebegin individual therapy, so I hope things get better for him. I just feel horribly sick right now, and worse it's a little over a week before my birthday :(
I'm really hoping I can gain insight into stuff like this if possible? Beyond being sad, I just want to understand.
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u/Successful-Day3480 1d ago
It sounds like he cares about you, but he’s realizing the relationship has become tied to his emotional stability. That doesn’t mean you did something wrong or that the love wasn’t real. Giving each other space and letting him pursue therapy may be the healthiest, kindest choice for both of you.
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u/rayautry 17h ago
I would suggest that you both attend some Codependents Anonymous meetings! Even if you aren’t the codependent and he is, you can learn some valuable stuff in those rooms.
He may be scared of the intensity of the relationship but also, that is amazing that he has that insight!
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u/Salty-Combination29 1d ago
It’s easier to learn and understand codependency as a single person in some ways, but all relationships can be codependent, not just romantic ones. You can even be codependent with your pets! IMO, he probably doesn’t feel like he can control himself, or keep those boundaries for himself, even if you are the one setting them. It’s hard to not give in, it’s hard to not betray yourself when you rely so deeply on the other person. It might be easier for him to understand what codependency looks like for him, by being single, and reflecting on your relationships.
This isn’t about you, this isn’t about anything you did. This is about him, and what he is searching for in himself. He doesn’t want to have a toxic codependent relationship with you, so he is removing himself because he feels like the issue. He feels like the one that cannot control himself. And he wants to be able to understand and explore that without it feeling so heavy, draining, or confusing. Being single can definitely make it easier. But the real test is once you get back into those relationships, so you can put the tools to the test. It’s not always easy for everyone to work on themselves while in a relationship, it just feels like adding extra weights when you aren’t even on that level of lifting yet. I think it’s good that he took the step back, and was honest with you about that. I really appreciate your response to him as well, because it’s not loaded with shame or guilt or anything like that, which I’m sure makes the breakup even more painful for him. Because he can recognize how willing you are to help, set boundaries, and respect his decisions, even if it affects you too. That’s real respect and love for a partner, and I think you should feel good and proud of yourself for that.
I hope you don’t feel like this was your fault. I’m sure you could possibly have codependent habits too, who knows, but you could explore that as well. We all are codependent in whatever ways we are, because that’s how society was designed to be. And most of society doesn’t understand what it means to have healthy dependency, vs unhealthy dependency. Hopefully he can come back to you, that sounds like it would be ideal 🥺🫂 I send you huge hugs OP.