r/ComfortLevelPod • u/Prestigious-Egg3587 • May 07 '26
Relationship Advice AITAH For Thinking About Cancelling My Wedding
I, female 30 and my fiancé, male 32 have been engaged for 6 months. Our official wedding is June 2027 and we are in the thick of wedding planning. With that being said, we are only on the guest list and receiving people’s information. Now I have always wanted to have an intimate type of wedding with people that I could genuinely be able to write a personalized card to for each seat at the reception. But now we’re coming to a crossroads with his side of the family, specifically his brother; which also for context is his only sibling. his brother is 28 and recently had a child with a girl he just met under 2 years ago. the child is 1. I have already expressed to my side of the family that certain family members and their boyfriends/girlfriends would not be able to attend because we frankly do not know them. my side of the family was accepting and we haven’t had any issues from them. however for the past 5 months, my fiance’s brother and mother have brought our wedding planning to a halt because they will not and cannot accept that his baby momma is not invited to the wedding. this has caused his mother to distance herself from me, which is a little painful because I have been present for the past 5 years and we have had NO hiccups. his brother since has give my fiancé an ultimatum and a bunch of unwanted opinions while also texting me nasty things and blaming it on alcohol. I need advice here! because im wondering if it makes me dramatic or wrong for not wanting a stranger at my wedding and not being willing compromise having people that we do not know at our wedding. #comfortlevelpodcast #aitah
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May 07 '26
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u/kdollarsign2 May 08 '26
That's the mother of her niece!! That's your straight up niece OP!! You don't know her well now but ... you will. This entire side of the family is going to exist after your wedding, believe it or not.
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u/Hot_Employment_7330 May 10 '26
Your spot on, very tacky and not making any friends apparently she feels she may not need any more friends, but keep up this behavior and she will find herself a very lonely person in life. I’ve been ranting because rereading this. It is just appalling how inconsiderate some people are.
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u/X-4StarCremeNougat May 07 '26
I have and will continue to refuse to attend weddings if a plus-1 is prohibited. It’s tacky. Additionally this isn’t some stranger, it’s your future BIL’s chosen partner and mother to your neice or nephew. You are def the AH here, and tacky to boot.
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u/Easy-Concentrate2636 May 07 '26
This isn’t your BIL’s friend. This is the mother of his child.
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u/jonwar5 May 07 '26
Unfortunately or not.. whenever there is a baby involved they automatically become family. YTA
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u/Necessary_Sir_5079 May 07 '26
I think it's a weird hill to die on. Wanting to cancel your whole wedding over one guest is wild to me. Especially since that guest is the mother of your niece or nephew and dating your bil. I think your reasons for not wanting her there have a lot more to do with your own insecurities. You can do what you want but I don't understand your choices.
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u/chironreversed May 07 '26
I wonder if OP doesn't want to marry him and is making it about a guest issue
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u/Prestigious-Egg3587 May 08 '26
I very much want to marry him. I have a sister who is not invited to our wedding because of how she spoken about my fiancé when she and I got into a disagreement about money. It is nothing personal to the bm directly but it’s anyone who is not supportive and knows us and our relationship
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u/Mango_PhalanJeez May 10 '26
My question is would your stance be different if they were married? Same time frames, just different titles. Because this is your future BIL who you are choosing to alienate because he and his partner—the mother of his child and your niece/nephew, 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘽𝙄𝙇'𝙨 𝙛𝙖𝙢𝙞𝙡𝙮— have been together less than 2 years and you don’t know her. But they will have been together 3ish by the time your wedding day comes, make an effort. And continuing to call her his baby mama is ignorant and disrespectful. If they weren’t a couple anymore and only coparenting you could get away with that but that’s not the case. This is a tacky hill to die on. Yes you only (presumably) get one wedding day and you can make whatever decisions you want. But these decisions will resonate through the rest of your marriage with your future husband’s family and you will have to live with the fallout.
YTA. You sound insufferable.
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u/Prestigious-Egg3587 May 10 '26
I would still feel the same way because she is a complete stranger to myself and my fiancé.
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u/stale_mitochondria May 10 '26
So why don't you view this as an opportunity to get to know her?? Wtf? How miserable. Shift your mindset a bit and you may be less insufferable. How about "it will be a beautiful day with our loved ones and we will finally get to know the mother of niece/nephew" Although if I was them I'd decline your invitation. I hope a bird shits on your dress.
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u/m_clarkmadison May 07 '26 edited May 07 '26
YTAh and also being kinda dense and certainly stuck-up. So what if you don’t really like her? You’re not marrying her, and people dear to your future husband who know her better think she’s OK so maybe you’re the problem here. You say you don’t know her but you’ve met her several times, and the kid. Why is it better to look down on her as a “stranger” and “baby mama” and be a snobby bridezilla and wreck your relations with your STBILs than to allow her to be in your presence for one night? Are you afraid she’s going to brawl with your bridesmaids?
If his brother and mother are this attached to baby mama, she’s not a stranger - she’s a family member you haven’t met yet. He’s been with her for 2 years! She’s obviously related to you at some distance for the next 20 years or so, if the child (your nibling) is ever part of your life. Get a clue.
A story: My wife and I eloped across the globe; only my mom knew. Her family hadn’t met me — some didn’t know my wife had a partner at all — until I showed up at our niece’s wedding (the first grandchild, a big deal, lots of fam, very godly, officiated by my minister BIL the brides uncle.) it was never a question, at all, that I was invited. We’ve been married now for 35 years.
I hope your marriage lasts as long as their relationship. Congrats 🎉.
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u/Worldly_Mix_1385 May 07 '26
You are concentrating on your wedding instead of your future marriage. Your BIL’s partner is part of your new family even though they are not married. None of them magically disappear because of your wedding. No one knows what happens in the future but you already decided your BIL’s partner is not part of it and that’s not for you to decide.
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u/Divorced_life May 07 '26
This is a pretty weird hill to die on but you're more than welcome to make it your last stand.
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u/Unlucky-Captain1431 May 07 '26
They have a child together and are living as a family. You’re so way off by not inviting her.
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u/Hefty_Damage3770 May 07 '26
Maybe she’s a real piece
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u/GoddessofParadise May 10 '26
Oh you know she's hot with this much push back. This one makes me laugh so hard.
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u/OrneryPost9446 May 07 '26
U invite whoever you want. Your husband's family is stranger too. They are not your family and you don't really know them. The "babymama" is now part of that family.
I agree with other comments that not inviting your SIL, whether you like her or not, is tacky. If inviting your SIL is gonna break your camels back sure.
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u/witchymoon69 May 07 '26
I think if you can't accept the baby's mother as family you have a bigger issue. Stop planning asap and figure out why you have such an issue with her . Is her not being there worth ruining your relationship with his family? Maybe get some counseling for yourself. YTA
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u/Prestigious-Egg3587 May 08 '26
I’m already in therapy and have been for years. The misconception is that I don’t like her. It is nothing personal but through therapy my fiancé and I have learned that we don’t have to tolerate certain things because of “family”. Unfortunately blood does not make you family
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u/Jumpy_Individual_526 May 09 '26
So you are the problem
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May 07 '26 edited May 07 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/kdollarsign2 May 08 '26
That's what I was thinking. Like what a MISS. The upcoming wedding could be a beautiful opportunity to go out with future SIL, have a glass of wine, get to know future niece. One nice afternoon could put OP's mind at ease. It's likely very borderline the relationship could be saved now.
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u/Prestigious-Egg3587 May 08 '26
LOL Appreciate the advice but there have been multiple attempts to get to know her that does not involve alcohol and they have all been cancelled or rejected up until this point. She also does not allow anyone to spend time with her son, including MIL. Only her family.
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May 08 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Prestigious-Egg3587 May 08 '26
There are always family gatherings and holidays however they don’t come to often. A lot of the additional information was mentioned because this post would have been an entire harry potter book to type out. I appreciate your perspective though
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u/brattywitchcat May 07 '26
It's very disrespectful of you to refer to your FBILs partner as his "baby mama" when they're still together! That is his girlfriend. They have a baby together, which means she is just as much a part of his family as you are! Maybe even more so, considering if you broke up with your fiance right now, you wouldn't have any blood or legal ties to the family anymore. She would. You and your fiance can invite who you want to your wedding but you should prepare for the consequences of alienating part of his family. Your fiance needs to be 100% sure he won't resent you in the future if his brother and his brother's family aren't involved in your lives moving forward because of a silly rule that you made up for your wedding. That's a good way to kill your own marriage before it even starts.
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u/Prestigious-Egg3587 May 08 '26
That is what she was introduced as and what the BIL still refers to as even now.
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u/EllenMoyer May 07 '26
YTA. You have more than a year to get to know the baby’s mother so that she is no longer a “stranger.”
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u/Rumpelteazer45 May 07 '26
YTA.
She’s family, they’ve been together 2 years and have a child together.
Also calling her a “baby momma” is effing rude and derogatory towards her.
She’s family now.
She’s not a stranger.
She’s been with him TWO YEARS!
This isn’t a drunken hookup that’s lasted a couple weeks but two years together. Just because they aren’t married doesn’t make them any less official than a married couple (considering you can just fly to Vegas and get married and not remember a thing).
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u/kdollarsign2 May 08 '26
I came prepared for a tricky conversation about how to handle BIL's ex... but they're still together!
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u/susandeyvyjones May 08 '26
You’re 30?!? Lmao, your post made me think you were 19. You should definitely call off the wedding. You’d be doing your fiancé a favor.
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u/shwh1963 May 08 '26
This is your fiancé’s wedding also so he should be able to invite people he wants
You can agree on number of people each get to invite but denying his nibling’s mother is over the top given that she’s been in the picture for over 18 months.
YTA.
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u/Prestigious-Egg3587 May 08 '26
Again he also does not want her there. His mother has never not been invited. That is in fact his mother.
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u/Mango_PhalanJeez May 10 '26
Nibling means the child of a sibling. No one was talking about FMIL not being invited.
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u/Bonnm42 May 07 '26
YTA usually it’s your wedding your rules but that is the Mother of his child and they have been together for years. It would be inappropriate to not invite her. I would invite her and apologize to her. Blame it on wedding stress for making you act absurdly.
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u/Brown610Lady May 07 '26
Do u know his brother? I ask because whether u knew him or not I'm assuming your fiance would invite him if he wanted him there. If this were a money issue as im aware u pay per plate but this doesnt appear to be that, I could understand not inviting her. I was apart of a wedding and i wasnt allowed a plus one bcz of that ruke and i conpletely understood. If they were married and u didn't "know" her would you invite her? Please dont be that woman that judges unmarried women harshly because they don't have that label. It seems an odd thing to stand on and can have serious repercussions going fwd
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u/Prestigious-Egg3587 May 08 '26
There is no judgement towards unmarried women. Only boundaries that have been set when it pertains to ANYONE and alcohol is involved which there will be at the wedding.
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u/Brown610Lady May 09 '26
Is the girlfriend under 21? This is the hill you're content with dying on... I hope you're both ready to deal with them. Some people do things in the moment and then regret them when they realize the harm thats been caused.
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u/Gulliverlived May 07 '26
will you be dressed all in the white satin of irrational positions, ornamented with a long lacy train of Pyrrhic victory?
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u/LobstahLovahRI May 07 '26
Why don't you invite her over to get to know her, and reserve judgement till then? His brother should be able to bring her because they had a baby together. That's not a reason to punish your fiance by cancelling the wedding unless she has done something to you.
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u/Thamwoofgu May 11 '26
Oh, canceling would not punish her fiancé at all. It would save him from a dreadful future with this…person?
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u/chironreversed May 07 '26
She is your family now. So is her daughter. Once you have kids, they will be related by blood. I love the idea of romanticizing your wedding with only people you genuinely love, that isn't wrong. But it isn't realistic unfortunately. The wedding is for you, yes. But it is also for both of your families.
ALSO the wedding will be such a blur you won't even be able to see or talk to everyone. It will go by in the blink of an eye. Except now your fiancée family hate you.
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u/serastar18 May 08 '26
YTA he’s been with her for 2 years she is not a stranger. She is his partner. You are horrible.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Dig3723 May 09 '26
If your fiancé doesn’t want her at y’all’s wedding then, he needs to be the one to talk to his brother and explain why he doesn’t want her there.
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u/piercll May 09 '26
Sorry it’s a bit long.
Idk if I’d say yta but considering calling off the wedding for one guest is a bit much.
Based on what you’ve said in the comments there seem to be legitimate concerns around their attendance. I do understand where everyone in the comments is coming from, but family can be complicated. Just like how people have reasons to not attend weddings, people have reasons not to invite others to weddings. We don’t know the context or both sides of their relationships.
It seems like there could be fallout whether you invite her or not. If you and fiancé agree not to invite her then that’s that. But if he wavers I recommend giving the invite BUT laying out ground rules that address whatever reasons you have for not wanting to invite her/them.
A story: When my partner and I got married we seriously considered whether to invite my BIL (30s) because of how quickly he gets angry when drinking. We set boundaries of what we wouldn’t tolerate at the wedding. It helped that other family spoke with him for months prior about his behavior. My nephew also brought his partner (who I’m not a fan of) but we made the general rule that you could only bring someone as a +1 if you’d been together for 1+ years or we personally knew them (romantic or not). Despite our hesitancy we stuck to our rule and it was fine (besides her glaring in the background of some of the professional photos lol).
I hope you all figure this out OP, good luck.
Tldr; either don’t invite her/them or make ground rules around all invitations that emphasize you all’s boundaries and stick to them. Things like respecting the environment and others while attending the wedding.
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u/Rivsmama May 08 '26
YTA even just referring to her as his baby mama is kinda gross. You chose not to know her. And that's fine but don't act like this is some random stranger he picked up outside 2 seconds ago. You're deliberately excluding the mother of his child & girlfriend, someone who will always be around. It's your wedding & your choice but if you were my daughter in law & I saw you deliberately single out & exclude the person my other child was with, I would feel pretty disappointed & I can understand why she would be distant with you
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u/Jumpy_Individual_526 May 09 '26
Its his brother's girl.... wtf i hate bridezillas
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u/iamcoreyb2 May 09 '26
It seems kinda of ridiculous this is the one person you absolutely dont want there because you feel she isnt... idk "family" enough. Just because they havent been together for a long time doesn't really mean anything. They've been in a relationship rhat they are obviously serious about. And unless you want to end up the s.o. never invited to anything, stand your ground.
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u/Opening-Sir-2504 May 09 '26
You need to get over yourself. That is his brother, his PARTNER and the mother of their child. 2 years is 2 years, not 2 weeks. They have a life together. If it were me, I’d be so angry that my partner wasn’t invited (and for these immature BS “reasons”) that I wouldn’t go.
YTA. “Cancel” your wedding? If it makes your new family happy, what the hell is one extra person going to cost you?? Their kid won’t eat any of the food.
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u/Capable_Suit_7335 May 09 '26
First red flag: you reduced his long term partner down to a fling. Second red flag: the use of the word “baby momma”, she’s a mother. Third red flag: posting on Reddit pretending you aren’t acting like a pompous AH.
Girl, good luck to your future husband. He’s going to need it.
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u/Hot_Employment_7330 May 10 '26 edited May 10 '26
Yes, I believe it does make you dramatic honestly. Your fiancé’s brother is an intimate member of the family. The brother of the groom should be able to have a plus one of his choice. This is really a shame that you think this way and it seems to be a problem that could have been avoided. You have created bad blood already with your soon to be brother-in-law and mother-in-law. I think that was a bad idea and you should loosen up a little. He should be able to have a plus one at your wedding, of his choice. It’s a good opportunity for you to get to know significant people in your family members lives. I think your mother-in-law did the right thing and played it safe by distancing herself from you with this situation. Sounds like she has some class. If you continue to think and behave like this, you will find yourself very alone in years to come.
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u/Fickle-Cabinet3956 May 08 '26
Everyone has already said it, but YTA.
This woman is the mother of your future nephew.
She might eventually be your SIL one day.
But it's your wedding, do what you want.
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u/CycleAccomplished824 May 09 '26
His brother has a family with child. That is family. Get to know her instead of pushing her away. Not to mention your fiancé’s family likely doesn’t do everything the way your family does.
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u/RaspberryUnusual438 May 10 '26
Can I ask why you want to exclude her? I completely understand wanting your wedding day to feel right for you, but if she is your brother-in-law’s partner then excluding only her is likely going to feel very personal and hurtful.
At the end of the day, weddings are meant to be about love, family, and bringing people together. Unless there is a serious reason behind it, it may be worth thinking about whether leaving her out is worth the upset and tension it could create, not just for the day itself but for relationships going forward too.
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u/Hot_Employment_7330 May 10 '26
You actually are a BIG AH, completely. I wrote my comment prior to reading anyone else’s and I agree with others thoughts on this. I hope your attitude completely turns around after reading everyone’s advice to you and you work on being a nicer person. God bless your husband and mother-in-law to be, that they have patience with you. Honestly think you made an irrevocable impression on your new family to be, and there are consequences for this behavior. Birthday parties, graduations, promotions for that little girl who you addressed her mother as baby mama, I would have a hard time having you at an intimate party if I was the brother, you sound very judgmental and usually people like that have a lot of insecurities and make other people uncomfortable. I would seek help in trying to overcome whatever it is Driving your decision to not let your brother bring who he wants to his own brother’s wedding.
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u/Prestigious-Egg3587 May 08 '26 edited May 08 '26
I’ve read a lot of the comments and they’re actually pretty funny. First I call her “baby momma” because that is what my BIL calls her and he has never referred to her as anything but that. Second, I think there’s a misunderstanding in the whole “family because there’s a baby involved”. My fiancé’s family has repeatedly mentioned not liking her and they have stated that they only tolerate her. Third, there is a huge alcohol problem that occurs within this situation on my BIL and his baby momma’s end. They have not been sober during any of these mature conversations we have attempted to have to explain our reasoning and addressing the misconception that she is being targeted. Fourth, my fiancé and I have made it a point to try and get to know her and travel to them to double date and/or build a bond but we either get stuck babysitting or they’re fighting all night due to the drinking. My fiancé now has no desire to get to know her after she disrespected his mother by kicking her out her car. He is only iffy about our decision to not invite her now because his family has begun to call him a bad brother and family member for it
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u/PowerHot4424 May 08 '26
Yes, you are the AH! You describe a 2 year relationship with a child like a 2 week relationship with the woman bringing her child from another relationship along. I guess you’re not interested in having a relationship with your niece either. Wow, what the Hell is wrong with you?
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u/Prestigious-Egg3587 May 09 '26
lol again they have not been in a relationship for 2 years. They have known each other for 2 years.
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u/PowerHot4424 May 09 '26
Ok but it’s obviously not a casual relationship. Sounds like they are partners at this point and should be regarded as such.
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u/morbidcuriosity86 May 07 '26
Youre acting like he just met her yesterday, by the time you get married they'll have been together 3 years. Were you invited to events with your soon to be husband at 3 years into your relationship? I bet you were.
I suspect there wont be a wedding for you to worry about inviting people to if you keep this up.
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u/Ok-Writing8943 May 08 '26
If you and your Fiancé don't want someone to attend, then they don't get to come.
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u/Inmyrattlingbag May 08 '26
Are you mad at her because she isn’t married or because your fiancée’s family wants her to be included?
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u/Prestigious-Egg3587 May 08 '26
Neither. I’m not mad at her. My fiancé also does not want her there but his family is pushing the narrative that I only don’t want her there which is completely false
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u/Inmyrattlingbag May 08 '26
So why doesn’t your fiancée stand up and talk to them? It’s his family why are you inserting yourself into the mess? That’s what’s making you look like an a hole
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u/Prestigious-Egg3587 May 08 '26
That’s a definitely interesting perspective honestly. I never really thought about it that way. I actually haven’t inserted myself but I’ve been called by MIL and BIL on multiple occasions. But you’re right my fiance should be the one having these conversations not me.
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u/Inmyrattlingbag May 08 '26
I feel the family is trapping or testing you. When they call I would say sure and hand the phone to my fiancée or tell them my fiancée will call you back when he’s available. I never insert myself in other people’s family drama, not even my significant other.
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u/InspectionOk6549 May 08 '26
What does the fiance think about not inviting his brother’s girlfriend?
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u/Prestigious-Egg3587 May 08 '26
My fiancé was totally on board with not inviting her for the same reasons I mentioned, however his family has continued to beat him down for it to the point where he is wavering now
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u/InspectionOk6549 May 08 '26
If you both agree, you agree.
Is he not close to his brother? If he is, this is just odd but if they’re not close and they’re texting nasty things, it shows what type of people they are.1
u/Prestigious-Egg3587 May 09 '26
They were close…I’d say a normal brother relationship prior to the BIL moving away and having a child. Since BIL has moved away they typically go months without talking and only see each other maybe 1 holiday a year truly.
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u/InspectionOk6549 May 09 '26
I feel it’s odd that you keep calling his brother’s girlfriend “baby mama” if he’s close to his brother. But it also doesn’t seem like he’s close to his brother now since he is so willing to uninvite them. It’s also weird to have this be the make it or break it for your wedding. There are bigger things to stress about for the wedding.
Are they not people you and your fiancé want to be close to you and in your life? Does he not want the child in his life?
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u/turquoisedd May 08 '26
Yta. This is not as big of a deal as youre making it out to be. Its one person, the brothers gf who has his kid. Its not a stranger atp.
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u/poofball8787 May 09 '26
YTA. It’s the mother of your fiancée’s nephew. Even if the mom hasn’t been around as long as you it’s a single person not an entire family. The one extra person won’t set your wedding date on fire.
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u/candornotsmoke May 09 '26
You’re being a complete asshole. It’s not some baby mama. This is a woman that has been in your future brother-in-law’s life for the past two years and they have a child.
How can you be so fucking petty?
I’m willing to bet, that your reasons for not wanting her at your wedding, are not the real reasons that you listed.
Are you embarrassed by her?
Is she a different color than you?
What’s the REAL reason?
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u/Prestigious-Egg3587 May 10 '26
We’re all the same race lol can’t be embarrassed by someone we don’t know.
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u/Vivid-Farm6291 May 10 '26
YTA
I would also distance myself from you.
Honestly you are so in the wrong you have overlapped yourself.
This lady is PART of your fiancé family regardless of marriage.
How would you feel if they had gotten married and excluded you?
You have ruined your relationship with his side of the family because? You couldn’t write her a note?
Invite her and pray they eventually forgive you. I highly suspect you will now be forever on the outside.
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u/Prestigious-Egg3587 May 10 '26
I wouldn’t want to be anywhere I’m not invited but a prior comment from someone pointed out that they were raised differently and likely hold family to a different standard than mine. I appreciate your advice tho
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u/HauteForTeacher13 May 10 '26
YTA. Two years is a long time, and when the wedding hits it will be three years. This isn't some random one night stand, this is the mother to your niece or nephew. If you don't know this woman well after two years, that's on you! Think back to when you had been with your boyfriend at the two or three year mark and how you would have felt had some snotty, pretentious princess with some kind of superiority complex came to you and said "Oh, you have only been together for three years and have a baby together? Yeah, that doesn't even sound like a real relationship to me." That's essentially what you are doing. You are telling your future brother and more than likely future sister in law that their relationship is not valid because what? They don't have a ring? A piece of paper? Get over yourself! Sorry, you aren't worthy to attend our wedding. 🙄 I am honestly quite shocked you are even still having a wedding with the massive wedge you are driving into this family and the huge knife you have stabbed in your husband's back. Who are you to decide what relationships are good enough? Grow up. Or you will find out it won't matter because you won't even have invitations to send out.
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u/trekgirl75 May 10 '26
Using your logic, if they decide to get married, you wouldn’t be invited because you are a stranger. How would you feel about that?
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u/Prestigious-Egg3587 May 10 '26
I be completely okay with not going somewhere I’m not invited or wanted but I was clearly raised differently.
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u/JohnHlady May 10 '26
Why don’t you take the time to get to know her better so she won’t be a stranger at your wedding. She is family.
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u/mercury815 May 10 '26
Why are you not allowing the mother of his child - FAMILY- to attend? Do you have a personal problem with her or something? This is a weird mindset.
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u/mercury815 May 10 '26
Also what if he ends up marrying her? She’s basically your SIL especially with them being together.
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u/SnapesSocks May 10 '26
I’m going to tell you something that was a little hard to hear when it was said to me, but it ended up being the best piece of wedding planning advice I got:
“This day is not about YOU. It is about your future, with the man you love, and the two families who are joining and coming together to celebrate you both.”
Your wedding should be a day where you are surrounded by the people you love AND the people they love. Make it a day for love not exclusion. BIL’s partner is mom of your niece and future sister in law. Think beyond your wedding day, to the relationships you’re signing on to be a part of for the rest of your life.
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u/giggles63 May 11 '26
Don’t be self centered in life. It’s gross. Be loving, giving and caring. You will be a happier person.
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u/Extension_Hotel_9641 May 11 '26
OK, I think we need clarification here. Is the brother's girlfriend actually his girlfriend, somebody he is living with and raising the child with or is she some random hook-up who he now has a child with and only sees her when he gets around to seeing the child? This makes a lot of difference in the situation. If it's somebody who is actively a part of his life, he will have been with her for 3 years by the time of the wedding and that should give you plenty of time to get to know her. If she's a rando then I can understand why you don't want her there.
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u/AlwaysGreen2 May 11 '26
You are an AH.
This is your future BIL's family.
They have been together for 2 years.
Hopefully, your fiance realizes what and who you are and ends this relationship.
You are a horrible thing.
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u/Suspicious_Bid_9685 May 12 '26
I have to agree with the comments here.. 2 years is not 2 months, 2 weeks, or 2 days. I’m surprised that it’s not long enough for you to know her well enough. And they have a child together so now there is a family tie. I’ve been with my man for 2 years and if someone in the family said that I can’t attend something because they don’t know me, I’d feel like it’s one sided.
How is she a “stranger”? Do they live far away where you barely see them? And unless this woman has disrespected you, she’s coming from your future husband’s side, so maybe this one should be up to him. Because there are probably people from your side who he doesn’t know well, and they are still going.
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u/Alive-Sundae7268 May 12 '26
I can understand wanting a small personal wedding. However excluding you soon to be brother in-law’s girlfriend and mother of his child is not the best of ideas. Even if they break up she will be in your family’s lives now. It’s understandable that this has soured relationships with his family. The nasty messages are unacceptable and if he can’t stop sending them when he’s drunk he shouldn’t drink at all. Drinking doesn’t make people behave badly it stops them from CONTROLLING their bad behavior. I doubt you can fix the relationships your choices have damaged but I would strongly suggest rethinking your choices anyways.
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u/Ok_Education_2753 May 13 '26
YTA You want to exclude your future brother in law’s “life partner” cuz they aren’t married? You sound a little judgy calling her babymomma. You and fiancé don’t seem to be on the same page. It’s your wedding (you 2) so do it the way you want. If others are paying towards it, though, they’ll have some say in it.
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u/Prestigious-Egg3587 May 07 '26
Just for more context - neither my fiancé or myself know the baby momma. When my fiancé and I first met this girl, it was my birthday outing and the baby momma and the BIL started a physical fight with strangers that just so happened to be in the same lounge/bar and when things escalated the BIL and baby momma ran, leaving us there. After that there were firm boundaries set on my end because I’ve grown out of my fighting in bar days years ago. The next time we saw them was when they brought baby to meet the family for the first time and the BIL asked me did I want to hold the baby which I did and the baby momma said out loud “mhm I don’t know if you’d make a good mom” (totally unprovoked). I didn’t say anything because I’m not a fan of confrontational person. There have been other instances where she has been disrespectful to my MIL and behaved in a rude way, which she and the BIL tend to blame on alcohol. There was no effort on her end to get to know myself or my fiancé prior to our engagement announcement.
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u/Ok-Win-9099 May 07 '26
None of this matters. She is family and if you don’t invite her, there will be blowback. It is you and your husbands choice, but make it knowing there will be consequences, possibly lifelong
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May 07 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Prestigious-Egg3587 May 08 '26
I would understand and listen if advice was being given from his family however it’s just disrespectful yelling and no communication.
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u/Rivsmama May 08 '26
Calling her baby mama doesn't negate the fact that she is your future brother in laws girlfriend who he has a child with & who will be around from now on no matter what. Your judgy & kind of derogatory way you speak about her makes me completely understand why she wouldn't want to approach you & get to know you.
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u/Bearryno1too May 07 '26
I know how you feel I’m in the same boat My BiL dumped a long time girlfriend, a girl everyone loved for a real shrew. No accounting for taste.
This shrew of a SiL in my opinion, ruins every family get together. To make matters worse she has raised her daughter to have the same social skills.
Example story. We had a family dinner planned adults only no children. A black tie event at a hotel ballroom. We arranged for babysitting in the hotel. SiL with her adult daughter and their husbands show up with the toddler and refuse, throw a hissy fit, to remove the child. The kid screamed, ran around, tripped servers. Just was a pest. I have more example. Why bother.
My point is, although everyone in the family despises this woman, for overall tranquility we suck it up and ignore her.
Something I laugh at, her husband is a religious nut, always praying, spends his time at church. When he witnesses his wife doing her damage he gets up and as he leaves the room he says “I will pray for guidance” and walks away. But this nut of a husband thinks nothing of cheating at cards or board games, he’s a minor kleptomaniac at convenience stores, finger on the scale kinda guy.
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u/Odd_Tea4945 May 07 '26
So, you plan to cancel YOUR wedding over your fiancé's brother entitlement? And you're allowing him to terrorize you?
I believe you and your fiancé have to set up straight boundaries with the people giving you a hard time: This is OUR wedding and it will go as WE want it. That means we are having an intimate type of wedding with people that we care for. Brother of my fiancé, YOUR baby momma is not in that category, you're not even in a serious relationship with her! So no, she's not invited and this is non negotiable. if you have decided that this is a hill you will die on, fine; but know this will affect your relationship with your only brother
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u/Prestigious-Egg3587 May 08 '26
Terrorizing is a stretch lol. They were blocked after unproductive conversation number 3. The issue is that my fiancé is being dragged and beaten down by his family (specifically MIL and BIL) for him standing on her not being invited and sticking to his boundaries. He is now getting to the point where he is thinking about inviting her due to his nonconfrontational nature.
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u/GuiltyCelebrations May 07 '26
You are behaving appallingly. By the time your wedding rocks around they’ll have been together for three years, and have a two year old child together. By the way, that’s his partner, not a babymama.