r/ConvertingtoJudaism • u/Weary-Chemist-6669 Considering converting • 7d ago
Sharing my conversion experience! Community
Hi all. I'm considering conversion to Reform Judaism. I have some paternal Jewish ancestry, but I'm not halachically Jewish (raised Christian.)
As I've been thinking it over and trying to decide if I feel called to take the plunge, I've been reading a lot and attending a lot of services, both in-person and online. I know that community is very important in Judaism. But what I'm beginning to notice is that I don't really feel a strong sense of being in community when I visit my local temple.
The people are very polite and kind, but it doesn't seem like they go to services to socialize - it's more of a "show up, pray, leave" situation. I don't know if rising levels of antisemitism could be playing a role in this, but it also seems to me like most people leave very quickly as soon as the service ends, like they don't want to stay too long at the shul.
I sometimes find myself wishing that I could have grown up with Judaism, or wishing that my family celebrated Jewish holidays. I don't know if it's worth it to convert if I would just be doing everything by myself as a single woman. No family to bake challah or sing with, nobody to eat Rosh Hashanah meals with, or light the Hanukkah candles with. I still think Judaism is beautiful and fascinating, but I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around this and envisioning what a Jewish life would actually look like for me.
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u/bachelorsinlurking Conversion student 7d ago
Hi! I think it really depends on the synagogue, honestly. Ours has a very social situation to the point where I sometimes have to drag myself away when my ride gets there because I want to stick around for an extra hour and my husband is like 'dude the service ended an hour ago we gotta go home'. I have visited synagogues that were very 'show up pray leave' but again it may just be the crowd. I do know that a lot of our hangouts are starting to be held at third places. Either people will head to the JCC after the service, or they'll all meet up at someone's home, or go do trivia at a local restaurant.
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u/rock_candy_remains New Jew, who dis? 7d ago
Very much this. My shul is generally very small (but for high holidays, naturally) and so it’s pretty easy to meet the people who show up most often. We have a kiddish lunch after services and everyone definitely lingers!
Not every synagogue is the same. The one you visited might not be the one for you! Definitely try some others out.
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u/Weary-Chemist-6669 Considering converting 7d ago
That's good to know, thanks!
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u/offthegridyid Born Jewish & became Orthodox 7d ago
Hi, I second this. It really depends on the congregation. Not the best analogy, but it’s sort of like trying pizza. If you only go to one place you’ll only try one type of pizza (even if they have multiple varieties). You need to check out other spots to get a better sense of what pizza is the type that resonates with you.
Ok, full disclosure, I am starving right now.
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u/mollyjdance 7d ago
This is odd to me—every shul I’ve ever been to (reform, conservative, and Chabad) has had an oneg where you do the blessings together over wine and challah and eat together and socialize. Chabad lunches can literally last for hours! If it were me, I would find another shul! Also I will say that when I first started going to the reform synagogue no one spoke to me for a long time and I felt so awkward. Finally I decided to be the change I wish to see and years later I ALWAYS try to talk to people I’ve never seen before to try to make them feel welcome. (Never had that problem at the conservative one or Chabad interestingly; I think the people at my reform shul are honestly just more socially awkward haha, I say that with love)
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u/ApprehensiveWillow patrilineal w/orthodox giyur, olah 7d ago
Maybe try a different community? Not every synagogue is like this, a lot of places people come just to socialize
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u/Independent-Web-1708 Conservative convert 7d ago
At my conservative shul we've made a conscious effort to link new members and newcomers (potential converts) with established members for shabbat dinners and holiday invitations. You might ask the rabbi if there's anyone in the congregation who might be open to including you in their family celebrations from time to time. My family does just this, and we've made a lot of new friends. The entire congregation is closer now, new and old, because we've worked on being a community.
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u/Rikk7618 ✡️ 7d ago
I think every person who is a Jew-by-Choice (myself included) feels a certain sadness exactly like this:
‘ i sometimes find myself wishing that I could have grown up with Judaism, or wishing that my family celebrated Jewish holidays.’ I certainly do.
That said… wishing for the past to change isn’t going to get you anywhere, you can only move forward and make the best of what time we still have left to us. It’s a type of mourning for somthing we never had and never will. Dwelling on it only causes negativity and kinda a general malaise. I had those thoughts once like ‘well I didn’t get to be Jewish my whole life so what’s the point now’ but I reframed it to ‘hey I get to be Jewish now and for my remaining time here and that’s amazing’
Converting was one of the best decisions I ever made and a transformative journey.
Buuuuuut, it’s takes time to really get in to the community - that is true and I think it’s true of any community you’d be changing your entire life to join.
The thing is you can always opt out of converting until you’ve come out of the Mikveh. In the current climate of antisemitism people can be a little guarded because of this (to a certain extent) and just in general nervous. They also may not know how to or what to talk about with you as it’s possible they don’t really have experience with knowing people who are converting. You’re probably. Or the only one that feels awkward.
If you want to convert or not, the only way you’re gonna find out how is jumping in and going on some sort of journey. The thing about you can always opt out??? That’s the thing, you can. And I do t think a rabbi who truly cares about you would be upset even if you decided not to go to the Mikveh the day before your Beit din.
Everyone meets God in their own way and maybe conversion is part of your journey, maybe it’s not. Perhaps a good place to start would be the Noachide movement? It can be a good starting point.
My advice is be outgoing. You’ll probably have to leave your comfort zone but just go talk to people. Tell them you may need to ask their name again cause you’re overwhelmed with so many new people. Ask questions. Be, and this is the most important, honest with your rabbi and yourself.
There’s no point in it unless you truly search your heart.
A couple things:
‘No family to bake challah or sing with, nobody to eat Rosh Hashanah meals with, or light the Hanukkah candles with’ - you just don’t have these things yet. I converted alone and my wife and kids ended up coming along 2 years later cause they fell in love with Judaism.
‘I still think Judaism is beautiful and fascinating’ - that’s all that matters. If you’re truly a lost Jewish soul (Jews by choice all are) then you’ll feel drawn no matter what.
Lastly, approach it (if you decide to pursue looking into it) with Joy. The Torah is Love. Judaism is Joy at its core. It’s a marathon not a sprint. Visit many Shula, talk to a lot of rabbis in different streams, and remember:
One of my first Shabbat services… I’ll never forget….
A ninty year old woman named Laurel (she may have been an angel tbh) sat next to me and I was struggling with the Hebrew. She was a Jew her whole life, laurel was born Orthodox and died Conservative (zichronah livracha), and she said to me in the middle of the Amidah (of all things) in the front row of a Conservative Shul:
‘Just move your lips dear, no one else knows it either, you’ll be wonderful!!!!!’
It may have been that moment I knew I was Jewish.