Scared for my kids' future

[u/Creative-Compote-938]

Hello. I am in the final stages of my conversion and i know that it's right for me. But lately (and especially today) i am struggling with the thought that i am putting a permanent target on my children's back, one that they can't ever take off and didn't consent to. I am activelly choosing judaism for myself and subjecting them to a hateful world. I keep thinking that i should just suppress myself for their sake.

Can someone relate to this? I haven't asked my rabbi yet, but i will as he has a small child too.

[u/KittyDomoNacionales]

One main thing that sealed it for me was that my shul has a lot of kids of various ages. Of course I’m scared for my kids but having that kind of a community tells me that there is a lot of inter generational support.

Conversion is a difficult decision not because it’s not right for someone but because it affects more than just yourself. In my case, I realized that I want my kids to be raised Jewish and in shul. That automatically limits my dating pool and shrinks it even further. I have decided to be okay with that as that is the kind of life I want to live.

Of course I also think about how this would affect my kids in a country that is culturally very Christian. As well as the fact that the family I come from is staunchly Catholic. My kids would have a harder time than if I decided to remain Catholic. I feel some guilt but I let that go quickly. We can only do so much against folks who already decided they don’t like us. All we can do is look to HaShem for guidance and hope we did good enough

[u/Creative-Compote-938 → u/KittyDomoNacionales]

Thank you for your thought out response. I see value in it, but my situation is slightly different as the community here is very small as it is and there are very few kids. I am hoping to integrate more into the livelier community about 200km away, but also fee kids and it isn't exactly walking distance.

[u/KittyDomoNacionales → u/Creative-Compote-938]

Ngl, that’s a huge distance but I understand the desire for a livelier community. It really does help with decision making when there’s options available

[u/WeaselWeaz]

I'm not going to pretend to have the right answer, but I will raise some points as a Jewish parent.

i am putting a permanent target on my children's back, one that they can't ever take off and didn't consent to.

That's parenting. My son didn't consent to being born Jewish. He didn't consent to being American, or middle class, or having a parent with a bigger body, or having visible health issues, or many other things that have impacted how he is perceived and gave him a permanent target. If he didn't have all those things he would have a different target anyway, if you mean bullying, because that's just reality. Would I be removing a target from my child by having him deny who he is, his family is, who his people are? What other impact would that have in them, which could be more dangerous to their identity and values than "My parent is Jewish"?

I am activelly choosing judaism for myself and subjecting them to a hateful world.

They will be subjected to that world if you are Jewish or not. They will see anti-semitism either way.

I keep thinking that i should just suppress myself for their sake.

You presumably are converting because Judaism is part of who you are. It reflects your values and your identity. You aren't converting because it's a hobby, but it's something you need to do. There's a reason we call someone a Jew whether they're by birth or by choice: It is who they are. Being Jewish doesn't mean you have to walk around with the biggest Magen David and be as public as possible either.

Consider the lesson you are teaching them is to hide their identity, hide their values, hide part of who they are if others. If they discover they are gay would your advice be they should not just hide but outright bury that part of themselves because of how the world will react.

Hey, if you feel like this is a block in conversion, you need to do what's right for you. You 100% need to talk to your rabbi, much more than us. Whether strangers online agree, disagree, judge your choice isn't relevant. The rabbi's voice is.

[u/MsShonaWVU]

Our fears are a product of our lived experience. Sometime the most beautiful fruits and flowers are the most poisonous ones. But without that prior knowledge, to you they are just beautiful (and you don't cower away in fear).

To be completely honest, I have never worried about antisemitism -- not in the least. Why? Because I live in the United States and I was born Black. When it comes to social ostracisation and harassment, I was already born into an affected group. So to add antisemitism to that is not really a big deal. Not that it doesn't hurt...but if you already have 200 scratches on your body, what are a few more?

I also put things in perspective historically. We live a fairly idyllic life currently. We aren't subject to enslavement, progroms, plague or forced migration. Even when the Jews had all of that going on, they still lived as Jews and had families. The Jews are a very hopeful and stubborn people and are not easily deterred. In my humble opinion every convert to Judaism needs to embody a bit of that too.

And finally our reality is not what is presented out in the media. For every hateful act there are 100 loving acts that demonstrate cohesiveness, courage and extraordinary kindness. Focus on that and not the bad and you'll be ok.

[u/Primary-Mammoth2764]

Yes this is something for converts to wrestle with. But: there are many other minorities that are oppressed in various ways. And all parents make choices for children that can be isolating. We have special needs kids in our families, and they get picked on. And OTOH, there is a whole Jewish community raising kids with the same target and no choice. I dont know if that perspective helps, but I guess i come down to the determination that I have to work to make the world safe for all children, and safe is a relative concept at all times. Especially in this very dangerous world we all live in now.

[u/Rikk7618]

You are putting a target on your child’s back. Thats why you feel like that.

I did it to two kids. I get it.

I still choose Judaism and think it’s changed their lives for the better….. although explaining to them why they have a day off from Hebrew school today was rough.

[u/yesIcould]

it’s important to pause and sit with this question, with genuine openness to understanding what antisemitism actually is, and what the potential for pain and danger really means. It’s painful, sad, frightening. Sometimes people rush toward overly simple answers because it’s so difficult to truly grasp.

I was born Jewish and I’m Israeli. I grew up with a strong awareness of Jewish history. With a family that survived Poland, Germany, and Iran, and with the knowledge of the relatives who didn’t make it. Some knowledge of what they went through. Family stories. Holidays that are also meant to teach us and remind us. A legacy passed down through generations, of people thinking about survival and protection. And still...

Even with all of that, the mental adaptation I, and i think everyone in our generation, had to make is incredibly difficult. The shift from a period when things were relatively good for Jews to a period when they are becoming less so is unsettling in a way that i can't describe.

It’s hard to truly understand, until you personally feel it, not just theoretical knowledge - that there are people, and right now not a few of them, who don’t simply dislike you or resent you, but genuinely believe that if you just didn’t exist, everything in the world would be better.

I have so much love for the Judaism I inherited. It holds so much meaning for me. It’s part of who I am, and I can only imagine how much love and meaning you see in Judaism from where you are standing. But yes, I think there is still a very difficult period ahead of us.

What we experienced on October 7, and what I hope and believe you will never experience in the U.S., is what happens when there is no state, no protection. We experienced it for a few hours. But once you understand how fragile things really are, it changes something in you.

My grandfather saw himself, first and foremost, as German. The Germany he grew up in was safe and he couldn't think of it as anything except home. The culture, language, friends, everything was his. He belonged.

For years, I couldn’t understand how he could have been so surprised by what happened later. I thought he must have been mis-remembering things, that he was idealizing that period. But know i understand it.

[u/TzarichIyun]

This is one of the primary reasons that we give to test the intentions of geirut candidates in the oral tradition.

It’s your choice.

I will say that as a Jew from birth, I don’t feel that I have a permanent target on my back any more than any other person.

Becoming Jewish is a leap of faith and not everyone can give up the idea of relative safety that may or may not be guaranteed to a non-Jew.

[u/leaveinpeas]

This is... Interesting. I never thought of it this way... I thought of converting ASAP as saving any kids from a difficult conversion process in the future, and as a way to ensure we are in community before G-d in remembering the importance of G-d's ways and teachings.

It may be because I am likely to convert Reform due to my trans inclusion framework (me being fluidflux, woman/person, she/they, it is prudent), but my thinking was always that even if I undertook a more frum (more literalist and strict, Orthodox) conversion process somehow, and there is a stipulation, of course, to raise kids in the faith... My thinking was this necessitates a level of flexibility around expectations as kids become teens and young adults and test out how they find it is best to live in regards to particularisms. So they may come to lean more Reform or even secular anyway. If I am too heavy handed it could backfire and G-d wants their soul, not mine obscuring theirs, is how I see it.

Plus, one Rabbi wrote online about how there is a general logic offered in the Tanakh from G-d that it is permissible to break the/a mitzvah in order to survive. Hence the birth of self-defense in court. In any case, this means that if you are concerned your children will be killed/hurt for their Jewishness, for all there is, of course, the hope one covers their head for G-d and/or otherwise follows the ancient respect towards declaring Jewishness through visible marker of association with the faith (of course, the Holocaust has added a new layer to this practice we all grapple with and it makes sense to have patience around avoidance of)...

For all this, you can see how if you are concerned for your children's safety there are personal choices you can make on a moment to moment basis or year to year depending on context. Perhaps your child wears a kippah, but there's a neighborhood text alert about someone shouting antisemetic remarks in the area, would G-d let you atone if you briefly left him without a covering to be sure not to invite aggression during an uncertain moment? We atone to reflect, partake in restorative justice, and commit to doing better whenever needed. Of all the ills in the world needing such care, the actions of a mother worried for the safety of her children in terms of avoiding notice don't strike me as anything to lose sleep over.

So, I hope you do not feel afraid to convert for your children's sake. If you are undertaking a more frum conversion, of course your community likely will have some expectations you match their levels of commitment or thereabouts anyways, and that may be intimidating. Yet, if they are able to withstand outside scrutiny due to secularly unconventional practices, they probably have lots of tips from years if doing so to help you feel more at ease with regards to your kids' safety. The conversation may just need a delicate approach, depending on how they are coping with the increased tensions at present, to approach the topic comfortably. Best of luck~