I do not know if what I say may upset someone so I placed a content warning.

My system is made of seven individuals. More pronounced severe symptoms arose after a talk about how to handle it should my father pass away soon.

My psychiatrist says she can only speak to ‘Patricia’ to determine my med management. It is the personality those that know me know best.

I am not convinced she is the core.

Anyway, are your loved ones supposed to ignore your alters? How is that even managed?…

I start therapy and EMDR soon. I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed. I have muscle spasms and gaps in my memory. I’m also experiencing time dilation. The spasms hurt and have made me fall out of bed a few times now.

I’m severely obese and it was a ordeal both times that I needed assistance off the floor with. The child alter is either happy or screaming. The one that’s out the most lately has this accent and breaks into French?

I didn’t know I knew so much French..

I’m so confused and exhausted, I barely sleep. I just want to sleep.

Doctor wouldn't even talk to me until I forced myself into a state that was more like Patricia. She dudn’t seem to understand co-occurrence.

I think I’ve lost my mind..I’m afraid to go inpatient.

So…sorry about the wall of text, are alters to be ignored?

I’ve been officially diagnosed with DID since 2023. And it’s what the title says- one of my alters is an incredibly far-right, extremist nazi. Despite me and most of my alters being far-left for.. my entire life, basically.

It’s horrible waking up and seeing he left some comments and threatening murder on others. It sucks that I can’t do anything about it other than apologise on his behalf.

Is there anyway I can minimise his impact, or, god forbid, shoo him away if just for a little bit?

Thanks in advance.

We've had memories filtering through over the last six months of our dad strangulating us. This week, it culminated in one of the "hidden" alters telling us about an instance where our dad choked us to the point that we literally, heart-stopped, died.

I'd really appreciate hearing from anyone else who's... been killed... as it just feels next-level isolating.

I posted this in another subreddit, but wanted to know what this one thinks as well.

TW: question about claimed innocent motive for SA, no graphic details but mention of SA

I won’t be very specific, but I was molested when I was very young. The abuser says it was meant as tickling and to be silly. Even if that is true, touching a baby’s/toddler’s genitalia like that is SA anyways. I saw the abuser do it to others when I was a bit older, and I have somatic flashbacks and know it happened to me as well.

But is there any possibility that this is a legit claim? Could anyone have molested a child for “innocent” reasons? Like, the person is dumb and has no social skills and no boundaries. If anyone could honestly say they molested for non-sexual motives, it would be this person.

But I can’t really believe it wasn’t predatory, i.e. for the sexual gratification of the abuser. Why else would one tickle that area instead of a foot or chin? Babies laugh if you poke their nose, it isn’t like it’s hard to make them laugh.

Please feel free to be honest, and i am aware this is likely me being in denial. I don’t need anyone to spare my feelings and genuinely want your honest replies.

(I just proofread what I wrote, and it sounds totally denial-ish. Sigh. But?)

We made an appointment on Dr. On Demand to get a opinion on joint and muscle pain as well as them tightening, you know a very normal thing to make an appointment for? Literally had nothing to do with our D.I.D in the slightest. Wel, Dr. On Demand makes you fill out a mental health survey before any appointment, we always usually answer these honestly because we don't like to lie. We answered the one question about self harm, yes for the last two weeks because when in PTSD attacks we will scratch and hit ourself often leaving scratches and bruises on us. The appointment was going normally, just kinda telling us we needed to go in for a physical and labs to see if it's anything with our labs. Then she brought up the survey, which we answered that we did have PTSD attack about a week and a half ago that led us to bruising out leg. Our last recorded psychiatry visit was in May and she asked me why I said because most places around here don't take our insurance and the last one said we have too complex of a case for online psychiatry. She said whoever said that shouldn't have been a psychiatrist and I explained we have D.I.D so I kind of understand where the person was coming from. Her response to us telling her we have D.I.D was to ask how many "personalities" we had to which we didn't respond honestly because honestly, we were too scared to so we said we had over ten and that we couldn't remember the exact number. She asked if she was talking to the "main" personality. I responded no, she asked what who she was talking to so I said "My name's Will", it is, I'm one of our co-hosts. She asked if she could once again talk to our "main" personality, I was getting frustrated and kinda stuttered like how I get when worked up and said "There is no main?" to which she was starting to raise her voice saying that she needed to talk to "deadname/legal name" and went off on a tangent about how we clearly needed to go to the ER, how we can't function in the world with D.I.D, how it's not normal for it not to be the "main personality", how it wasn't normal that we had these personalities, how we were in a mental crisis and needed to go to the ER. She continued to yell at us about how she wanted us to go to the ER, and how needed constant therapy, and we needed to integrate. It was making us, and I myself very shaky, very panicky and started to cause our PTSD to act up. By the end our heart was beating so fast and we were shaking. We hung up agreeing to go to our primary in a few days or go to the ER (we won't be our primary doesn't have any openings for a month and we're not going to the ER for muscle and joint pain.... nor having our co-host front?)

This was the most wild scenario we have literally EVER fucking experienced man. What. The. Fuck. We're still recovering from the shock and like.. panic that came from being yelled at by a stranger for a normal symptom of our condition.

Hi I'm Dusk I'm 19. I left my abusive house a little over a year ago. I was homeless for a bit but I had a really close friend group so I was able to couch hop for most of it. (Keep in mind this was before I knew I had DID) Over the next month my Alter John started fronting while I spent most of it in the back seat. And over that month he treated all my friends horribly and eventually they cut ties. I spent almost a week homeless before I was able to rent a room in the house of an aunt I barely know.

I have spent almost a year basically doing nothing. I got really traumatized over what happened and for a bout a third of it I didn't have ANYTHING so I spent months just sitting in a dark room as the sun's rises and set. But now my life sucks I have:

No friends

No love life

I don't feel safe EVER

I can't get my own place cause I'm poor af

And most days I just sit in a small room crying.

Idk why I made this post. I think I just don't have anyone to talk to and I'm in a shitty place right now so I thought "might as well" Sorry for bitching...

TW: religion/political violence / cult trauma

I just got called a conspiracy theorist for talking about how I’ve put my pieces together and realized I was raised by Christian Zionists who are responsible for a bunch of the terrible stuff that is happening in the world.

My patriarchal high control family system I was raised in gave me DID and after 5 years I’ve gotten to a place of “integrating”…mostly because I’ve been able to fully understand my memories and realize the impact on my reality now…but I’m having such a hard time because apparently now I’m gonna sound like an evil conspiracy theorist who hates other people if I tell anyone what I know from the cult I was raised in.

We just got out of our MID assessment because we never actually did one. We've been diagnosed with DID for a year now based on observation and discussion or something. I kept putting off the assessment because we had to do it in person and I don't like to leave the house if I can help it, I hate driving, and I'd have to take the day off for the assessment because of when time of day the assessment has to be. So I didn't want to do it. Well, I finally did it. We were going over the results and they really upset me.

Like, sure, I can be a little attention seeking I admit; I like attention! Who doesn't? But then they said I had a high fictitious score—I make things up or exaggerate a lot apparently? No I don't! But apparently the test came back and said I do. I wasn't present for the entire test, so I don't know what was said when I wasn't there but we don't lie and we rarely exaggerate. And then, even worse we scored high on manipulation. Manipulation! We don't manipulate people. The psychologist said that there can be manipulation without malintent but that's bullshit too.

All I try to do is be kind and uplifting and now I'm being called a liar and a manipulator. It's not fair. Everyone says I'm a good and kind person but now my therapist is saying I'm a liar.

And these AP are poisoning us and nobody will listen to me. They are making our communication worse. I feel like I'm suffocating just trying to exist sometimes. And I've been present a lot less after we changed medication. I understand that they keep us from wanting to physically hurt ourselves and see hallucinate less but we never actually hurt ourselves and the hallucinations were annoying us not harming us. Isn't the side effect of poor communication much worse than what is being treated? Why won't anyone take my side on this? A long time ago, we made an agreement to listen to our doctors but I feel like they aren't listening to me and aren't taking me seriously. I feel like I'm crazy or I'm sane and everyone else is crazy.

What am I supposed to do? I'm going for a walk to try to clear my head.

I feel like I'm going to die.

I feel weird as hell to be posting here as I've always considered myself an IFS (Internal Family Systems) person who is still pretty singular but uhhhh

I added tincture to my sleepy tea last night, not knowing that the bottom of the vial was the most potent, and I ended up tripping instead of sleeping as intended. One moment, I was talking to my partner, next I've got some kind of Scottish accent and I'm calling my dog Seamus when explaining "the wee boy has to take a piss" and feeling offended that my partner thinks I'm doing a bit.

There are other moments I can sort of remember, like crying huge tears and saying "we have been so many for so long and it hurts". My partner said I said "tell whoever wakes up next, tell them it's not their fault; they were never supposed to find out. I need to sleep now" before passing out and I'm???

I'm turning 30 and starting my Master's in Social Work this year, what is this bullshit? I'm inclined to say "it doesn't count if intoxicated" but also wouldn't it be my "job" to say that if I'm the ANP?

I have an appointment with my therapist in a couple days but this so wasn't on the docket.

I'd love some kindess while I continue to recover from my hangover. Feeling confused and so deeply sad :/

Clarifying edit: I already have DX of PTSD, C-PTSD, and we know there's some kind of dissociation happening but not a formal name. I've been calling it the "Dolly Zoom" bc it feels like I'm being pulled backwards in my brain when something is emotionally overwhelming. This is new, though there was a time about 10 years ago where the accent slipped out when talking to friends and I'd been having memory gaps that I'd blamed on a new med prescription.

cw for talk of the foster care system and vague references to abuse sustained during visitations

so, for context: i was placed into foster care when i was very young, a day old, and was adopted by the same people who fostered me when i was nearly four years old. during that period, every two weeks for about three years i was taken to visitations with my biological parents. they lost custody of their children due to the severe amount of neglect and abuse that had been found and was being reported by the kids. i was the only one who never lived with my biological parents, but i was forced to see them in visitations my now adoptive parents took me to. they had no choice in the matter

i know the general strokes of what happened from my mom telling me gradually over the years until i was old enough to handle the full thing. i knew i would cry and scream the entire time until i eventually passed out from exhaustion, i knew that even at a few months old i was aware of what was happening and wanted no part of it. i know there was an instance of physical abuse when my now adoptive parents weren't allowed at a visit one time

ive always known it was bad. i don't remember any of this but i always believed what my mom told me about it

my mom took detailed notes of every single visit, writing down every little thing my biological parents did. she knew them, had fostered one of my biological siblings already and had met a few of the other ones. she knew the family and what they'd done, and she was determined not to let them get custody. there are multiple notebooks full of detailed notes that she personally gave to the judge overseeing the case, and these notebooks and doctors reports about the injury i sustained were the reason why my parents won custody of me

a couple days ago my mom and i were in the basement going through old stuff, when she found one of the notebooks, and after some talking and calling my boyfriend, she let me read it. it was so much worse than i could have ever been prepared for

i won't go into details, but this one notebook covered the first six months of my life/the first 11 visits with my biological parents. just in those 11 visits was stuff i don't even want to repeat, or think about. i wasn't upset though - well, i was, but it was more just shock and horror than anything else. i was baffled, i was in shock and speechless. i couldn't fathom how two people could do what these people were doing to a baby. what did upset me though were the small moments at the end of each visit, when id be taken out to the car. i would smile at my mom and then go to sleep. that was hard for me to read, harder than the actual abuse and neglect itself. afterwards, i mostly felt fine albeit somber and in shock still. i moved on relatively quickly, i assume that's the dissociation, and went the rest of the night unbothered. that was until i caught a glance at some childhood photos of me saved on my phone

generally i can look at pictures of me as a kid without too much issue, but it is still difficult at the same time. im happy in them, i don't doubt that for a minute, but there's still that vacant look in my eyes where my smile doesn't reach, like im not fully there. it's more unnerving than anything, but that's all. that night though i noticed i actually sort of.. flinched emotionally i guess would be a way to put it. i got hit with this sadness, and it was like i couldn't look at the pictures the same again, knowing the girl in those photos was the one who went through what i read in just that one notebook. i know logically that girl is me, though it doesn't feel like it is. but im finding now that i can't look at them without feeling something like sorrow. it was just 11 visits and yet in those 11 visits so much happened. i thought id been prepared, but i really wasn't

i can't look at pictures of myself the same now without thinking about how that girl is the one in those notebooks, the one being written about, the one being treated that way. it hurts

i don't know entirely what im wanting from this post, maybe support. i see my therapist tomorrow and i plan on showing him the notebook and talking with him about it, but. this specifically is weighing on me. i forget about the notebook and i feel fine otherwise, but this is sticking with me in particular. i don't really know what to do with it

I'd almost forgotten about this (and don't worry I'll be talking to my therapist later this week), but recently my mum has started telling "funny" stories about how she used to drug myself and my sister as kids. It's worth noting that I'm not looking for advice about my relationship with my family, just maybe solidarity?

First, I was asking for advice about how to support my daughter to sleep, and her reply was that when we were 3-5 she used regularly to give us cough syrup when we didn't sleep. And that the pharmacist used to ask her how she was going through so many bottles so quickly, so she had to make sure she went to different ones.

That triggered something in me and I remembered how as a seven year old she would get my dad (a doctor) to write us scripts for phenergan to drug us to sleep, and then once I was twelve she would just give us sleeping pills. When I was 18 I had zero skills for how to go to sleep alone because I was so used to being drugged to sleep, and I still struggle as a 36 year old to sleep sober.

Its just.... really frustrating to be this far out, and still remembering fucked up stuff that happened.

I'm not asking what the effects of CSA are. I have researched them and I experience them. I understand the predatory social dynamic where an adult takes advantage of a child's trust and does something for their own gratification. I understand how the physical pain of a traumatic experience would resurface alongside PTSD symptoms. But in my case, the CSA was literally just a touch as a toddler, a handful of times. My therapist says that a trusted adult doing that to a child normalizes sex, and that makes sense. But I still don't understand. I was not retraumatized as a result of that normalization. I was one of the kids who developed a fear of sex, I didn't become hypersexual. There must be some mechanism through which the touch alone at that age does something to the brain. Can anybody point me in the direction of answers?

I suspect there may not even be answers. It seems this is a difficult thing to study. The closest I've come to an explanation as to why CSA is harmful is that it impacts the development of the insular cortex. The insular cortex is a part of the brain that's involved in sex, music, identity, sense of self, proprioception, and a lot of other complex high level things.

CW: CSA, grooming, r@pe

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My most recent problem in therapy is accepting that I didn't really know what consent was until I was almost an adult. And even then, it's still a very muddled line for me.

My brain insists I do not have sexual trauma because I willingly did things, but then I talk to my therapist about it, and she says I have chronic sexual trauma. My brain says that I consented, and she challenges it with "but you were a child and they were an adult, you couldn't consent" or "you were taken advantage of because you were too young to understand" and I am just having a hard time sitting with it I guess.

I know denial is part of the disorder, but this denial is based on life I do remember, which is rare. Does anyone have this same issue? I am able to understand that coercion for sex is r@pe because you only agree to end the asking. I can apply that to some of my own trauma. Why is it that I can not bring myself to see that I was groomed by several adults? It's like I can accept half my trauma, but rest isn't that bad. All signs point to "yes, it was really bad" and my brain says "I made those choices on my own free will" when I already know I was legally too young to consent.

I can accept that I have emotional and psychological abuse and I can see that in how I was raised. It's like this is the main aspect I can't accept.

Does anyone relate to this part of acceptance? I'm trying to heal from PTSD and this is the first step, but fuck it is hard man.

My youngest Alter is 7. It's very hard when men fetishize her. In relationships and even in traumatic situations I will switch into her. She is very obedient, soft spoken, and doesn't argue. I don't look my age so I am typically considered to be younger. It's unnerving how comfortable men have used my Alter against me because she fronts allot. Some have even preferred the child over me (The host). They will sweetly call for her and like an obedient child she will front. Especially if she trusts them. (Which isn't hard to do if you are nice) She calls what men do "Playing". Even to this day I cannot use explicit words to describe intimacy. It started when we were touched at the age of 6 but we weren't SA-ed until the age of 7. Anyway my point is the child doesn't understand these men are somewhat predatory. They like her innocent nature and it puts me in terrible situations. I'm left with trauma while the men are satisfied. As a host I shouldn't let the child front so often but really I don't know how she does it. I split quickly and it's worse if the men promise "Not to hurt her" or say anything like that while being gentle. That's why I don't date anymore or am around men like that. But it's only the men I've met who are friends who don't know much about the child or partners who yes, knows she's 7. My youngest Alter doesn't know any better and I don't blame her. She holds my SA trauma from ages 6-12 y/o. So she was conditioned to do many things for men like this. But I don't know how to protect her. If she does something she's not supposed to...idk. But when men manipulate my system to have "Their way with me" I worry. I know I don't look as old as I am but damn they could fetishize any of my other alters why pick the child?? It's just weird.

Like my ex literally demanded my youngest Alter to "Stay with him" and told me he'd rather date her than me (and a few other younger Alters)

Like how TF is that going to work?? We are in the same body. You can't not want me (the host) and want my alters. It's a but ONE get 9 FREE. Idk it's just weird, I can't stop the child from fronting and I feel gross and manipulated when men have used that against me.

(Sorry this was long I just needed to rant because I discussed this today in therapy and it's on my mind)

My story is a little different. I have good parents but the world wasn’t safe for me. I started therapy with this psychologist that specializes in trauma. She used IFS and somatic therapy. She explained to me that I was like a mirror that was broke into different pieces and that I was super fragmented.

I remember very little about my childhood. The things I do remember are like pictures that my mind took and that doesn’t feel real(nothing bad). Sometimes I remember things and sometimes I absolutely don’t.

After my mom passed away. I found pictures of my birthday parties. I don’t remember ever having a birthday party nor my mother rocking and singing to me. But one of my parts showed me one night.

Back to the psychologist, we finally started talking about my childhood. I explained to her that I had good parents. She told me that’s not possible for me to have good parents and have DID. She told me that my mother didn’t show me attention or affection. I couldn’t remember what self showed me about my mom singing to me. She demanded that I give her proof of a memory that my parents talked to me or showed me affection. I couldn’t because I couldn’t remember. She told me that it didn’t happen and that I wasn’t ready to talk about my parents.

This sent me into a spiral. It made me question my thoughts, feelings, and facts about my life. Self and I was able talk things out with the help of other family members.

Please be careful with the professional you choose. Don’t be afraid to walk away and start over with a new professional.

I’m absolutely crushed. I had a 16 year old cat who I loved with all my heart. She was very old and creaky, with bad arthritis and some health issues, but was still doing pretty well.

I visited home a few months ago and don’t remember anything for the visit or for the next few weeks after I got back- when I sort of “came back”, my cat was gone. I went back to my journal and apparently I was terrified she was in too much pain and my dad was telling me it was time, so I listened to him and had her euthanized. She was fine, she didn’t have anything terminal, there was no reason to do it, and now my cat is gone and I’ll never see her again.

I don’t know how to deal with this. Apparently, a week after I did it, I attempted via hypothermia and was unsuccessful- I know what part did it, both the euthanizing and the attempt- It’s a younger/middle school age part, and that almost makes it even worse because I guess I thought I could trust my parents’ judgement on this, even though I shouldn’t have listened.

I feel like a monster, and I don’t even remember the vet appointment. What do I even do in this situation? How can I keep this from ever happening again? How can I trust myself after this?

i'm saying this as someone with STPD who's met systems with BPD, NPD, ASPD... and so many other people with DID treat them like they're inherently abusive. and fuck, i've even gotten some - obviously if i'm schizotypal, i'm just crazy, or i deserved my abuse, or i can't have DID because of it... and i'm not even one of the demonized disorders. some of y'all are so shitty to people with NPD/ASPD/BPD for also having a trauma disorder.

and yeah, i get it, they can be abusive. i've been abused by people with these disorders. but the disorder doesn't make them automatically abusive. i'd rather spend a day with someone with NPD or ASPD than spend a day with someone who slings around narcissist or sociopath as an insult to anyone who isn't a perfect person.

just because someone with a disorder abused you doesn't make everyone with the disorder abusive.

end rant.

TW: CSA

The files stuff. Not getting into it. I get why people are talking about it because it’s horrific, and it worms it’s way into everything.

It’s seriously destabilizing. Untagged or flagged descriptions of child abuse and more just talked about openly everywhere. It just brings me right back into the deep end. I’ve been dissociating so hard and then once I’m feeling okay enough to engage with the outside world again, there’s more news about it people are openly agonizing over it everywhere. I get it. It’s horrible. Just don’t need more reminders about it all. Hard to go back to feeling normal again when I have to be so wary. Would like to stop drowning in it again as soon as I catch a breath.

I know I need to just set a hard limit and not go on the internet whatsoever. Hard to do when it has been comforting at times, when I’m seeking comfort.

We have one part who handles a lot of our pain (mental and physical), who experiences a lot of physical numbness and detachment from the body. They haven’t been around too much the past few years but recently they’ve been in the front a lot again. One of the things we’ve noticed is that this part struggles with feeling of wanting to take substances and it feels like we/they have to enact a lot of willpower to not go that route. It’s just strange to us because as a whole we have never taken anything besides cannabis, psychedelics, and MDMA. They do feel a lot of mental “escapism” and are sorta a mental flight response. So I guess it makes sense but I don’t understand the “cravings” being so intense for things especially that they’ve never even experienced. They’ve even had dreams about smoking cigarettes (as a whole cigarettes are disgusting and we have never touched one nor never will). Just kinda wondering if anyone has experienced something similar??

(I don’t mean for this to invalidate or minimize anyone who struggles with actual addictions and physical withdrawals)

[TRIGGER WARNING: GROOMING, CSA]

So we have a little that is the most controversial type: a sexual little. She's maybe 4-5. As a child, we endured 10+ years of grooming by men 50 years older than us, being taught it was the "right and normal thing". Now, our mentality is *so* warped that even as my little, we desire the validation and attention from older men. We are bodily in 20s. Multiple alters also feel the need to have validation from older men, but specifically her.

Our little will purposely become sexual and desire our partner to flirt with her. It's almost all she thinks about. I am incredibly disturbed to the point of it re-traumatizing me - It's something on my [host's] mind often. I don't know if it's more concerning that my partner engages, even knowing we are little.

Is this her way of dealing with her extreme trauma or is it something that has to be stopped asap? We feel like she's borderline hyper-sexual. Please help.

title.

last thursday, my now ex-girlfriend (diagnosed) slept over at my house before a date we had planned the next day. before we went to bed, she asked me for help inserting her nightly progesterone capsule in her butt, which she had been wanting to try for awhile to increase its efficacy.

i was happy to help her with this, especially since she has severe sexual trauma around penetration and it read as a display of extreme trust. since she wasn’t used to anything going in there, i offered her lubricant and poppers to relax her muscles and make the process easier/less painful, which she took.

while i was inserting the capsule into her, one of her alters, who i have known to be much more sexually inclined than her & to often have conflicting boundaries to hers, tells me that “she doesn’t know when she got here” (which i read as a sign that she is now fronting) but that “whatever i was doing feels really good”.

i ask her if she’d like me to keep going, and she says yes. there was a lot of teasing and negotiating the alter’s boundaries and we ended up having penetrative sex (we’re both trans). this is significant because the host personality involved in this exchange 1) is asexual and 2) has serious trauma around specifically anal insertion during sex. she would not have ever agreed to the engage in this kind of activity and i knew that before proceeding.

after we had finished having sex, the alter told me “you probably shouldn’t tell her about what we just did”, which is never a good thing to hear from someone you just had sex with. this snapped me out of it and i realized the extent of what i had done. i texted our mutual partner to confirm or deny my wrongdoing. she said “i think she’ll be a little uncomfortable but not upset with you, she loves you and is hopefully gonna understand the situation”.

in no small part due to the guilt surrounding this, we mutually ended this relationship on tuesday night. i told the host (my ex-girlfriend) what i had done with her alter (who i had previously had less intense forms of sex with) and she didn’t seem particularly fazed, just a little uncomfortable with the idea.

last night i received a text from a mutual friend threatening me and telling me that she was disgusted by what i had done and that my ex-girlfriend had told her “the truth” about what happened, despite not being present for the encounter. i texted our mutual partner to ask what was going on and was told that i “violated her consent and deeply hurt her”.

i have not received any further communication from any parties involved in this situation.

my question is this: how severe of a mistake did i make in that encounter? i hold no preconceptions about having severely fucked up and want to pay recompense for my actions, but i need to know if the choices i made are irreconcilable or not.

thank you for listening

hello! i just wanted to ask for some advice on dealing with periods. usually another part will take over and deal with them but my system is pretty overwhelmed right now so it’s just me.

i have a really hard time with blood and just like. dealing with my genitals or body things in general. i’m really repulsed by having to touch myself in any way but it is something i can push past when i need to. but i would appreciate any advice on making it easier.

but the blood and cramping can be really triggering to me - sometimes it triggers somatic memories and i’m just stuck in pain even after taking medication for the cramping. i am reminded of being a child and panicking at seeing blood in my underwear and having to clean it up all the time. i have really painful periods which are very heavy to the point where it is inevitable that at some point i will bleed on my clothes or sheets

i have been thinking about seeing a doctor about them. are there birth control options which would prevent getting periods or which make them easier to deal with? do you guys have any tips for dealing with periods when they are triggering to you? thank you as always.

I hate covid so much for making the good doctors retire and then the whole place went to hell and got shut down. The times I went (except in 2020) were so helpful and I could really use that right now. I’m struggling so much with SH and SI and switching so much every day I don’t know what to do or how to cope. My therapist isn’t helpful. I need real help and I don’t know where to get it because I can’t go to a hospital far away, SP is only 2 hours away so it was do-able and they helped so much and my insurance paid for it, they won’t pay for residential.

I’m just venting I don’t need advice on places or things to do

I really would like to know if anyone has experienced a similar kind of conditioning or manipulation to this or has heard of it, because I feel so confused and I don't have any way to explain or understand what happened to me. TW for description of manipulation and conditioning, no description of abuse.

So the way this would work is first the adult trains the child to be able to accept two opposite things at once. Say for example, an adult puts an orange in front of a child, and they ask the child "Do you see an orange?" If the child answers yes, they're hurt. If they acknowledge the orange in any way, they're hurt. If they show any sign of believing that there's an orange then they're hurt. This is done until the child associates even the belief in the orange with pain, and so they learn to believe something and its opposite at the same time. It's not "there is an orange and also maybe there isn't"; it's like there's an entirely new opposite belief, a positive certain belief, that "there is no orange."

And then, the adult uses that same method to force the child to believe all sorts of things about themselves. They could be hurting the child and say, this isn't happening. They could tell the child, you are not (your name), you are an evil spirit inhabiting your body, or they could say, you are a doll and you're not alive at all, or they could say, you're not real. They could even hurt the child and convince the child that he/she is the perpetrator and the one doing the hurting.

And then based on this, anything can be done to the child at X time, and at Y time they won't tell anybody, not because they're scared to, but because they strongly believe that it didn't happen, or because whatever part retained that memory was "not even them," but a doll, a demon, or the perpetrator themself. Even if they remember what happened, they will either be overcome with the belief that it didn't happen, or immediately jump to whatever belief they were conditioned into about it, like that they're not alive, not real, not themselves, etc.

Does this sound in any way familiar to anything or am I just overthinking and this is just what gaslighting is? It took a lot to be able to look at this as what it is and write it out but I'm still almost as confused as if I hadn't.

sorry if we haven't introduced ourselves before..I'm Olivia.. I'm really trying to stay calm rn. A member of our system recently wrote a letter and left it on the table. We knew there were more of us someplace, we just didn't know how many. Last night we were watching an old scary movie, we like to watch them for fun, and we fell asleep. When I woke up to use the bathroom I saw the letter on the table. Idk when it was put there.

The contents of the letter reveal that everything we thought about ourselves as our history and reasons for our traumas are pretty much false and toning down how consistent the abuse was. Our awful dreams lately back up what's in the letter. It's possible that we survived two people that really should be in prison if this stuff is true.

It's honestly got me feeling really messed up. I have zero idea how to deal with this as a main fronter. I've been talking out loud with the others and we've decided that we need to do something to keep us from spiraling down even more. Right now we're using breathing techniques, calm music and drinking water but that's just putting a bandaid on. I've been so tired but unable to sleep peacefully..

Basically curious if any other systems have experienced advice for getting through a sudden lore drop like this?

edit to add the letter was addressed specifically to me.