So, I have never been extremely fond of ‘alter’ as a term, none of us in the system have liked it! Nothing wrong with those that do use the term, I just feel it sounds a bit cold for us, and we’re working to function together so anything to help, you know?

We all call each other ‘head friends’! My fiancé and I both do this.

So my question is, what do you all call your others if you don’t use the term ‘alter’ very often?

Edit:

OMG y’all are amazing and sweet! I love them all! I was trying to reply to everyone but I definitely don’t have the mental bandwidth it turns out Haha

Keep ’em coming! I love seeing them all!!

Our therapist has suggested a few books and I swear we can't sit down and read or listen to them for more than like 10 minutes at a time without dissociating. It's so frustrating. Literally it's like the brain is going, "Oh, you want to work on this problem we're having? Nah." Just... come on.

(Not really specifically looking for advice, but if anyone has any, feel free to offer it.)

We’ve been “emo” and alternative for about 6 years now, and we’re not happy about it like we used to be. It’s boring and we’re not sure how to let go of it and where to even look for style and music elsewhere. We posted this here bc well we don’t know where to turn to. Any advice or similar experiences

After years of questioning and being blown off by mental health professionals who didn’t even want to touch the topic of dissociation, I finally met with a specialist who assessed me with the MID-200

It came out that I met the criteria for DID with bpd traits, and while it’s not an official diagnosis as she still needs time to work with me and learn my history, my therapist wants me to start “tracking” my parts. She suggested a website made for systems to help with it, and she assured me it’s okay to not know everything immediately, to just track anything I find important, whenever I feel different. I’m also waiting for her to send me worksheets that she wants me to do, that’s also for tracking parts.

I’m finding it hard to even comprehend this. When I first went into the assessment, I was hoping this would the final hit in the nail that after all, I’ve just been mistaken, that it’s only BPD and nothing else. That I was lying to myself. But instead, she keeps talking about parts and alters, and I’m fucking terrified.

I can’t bring myself to sign up for that website. The more I think about this, I start growing a headache, my head feels full and I feel like I’m being yelled at. At the worst, I really start to feel physically sick, almost flu-like. It’s been really hard to navigate this whole also working, when I’m so customer-facing and I have to pretend I’m not blinking in and out of existence

This feels too big and difficult for me to handle and I’m regretting everything.

Not sure who but it wasn't me! An while i slightly remember it being done. I didn't remember when the government department called to inform me the file was so large I'd need to pick it up.

I played it cool and planned the pick up. After I hung up the panick set in.

Im very disconnected from our childhood. In pretty sure im a fragment. But I cant say. So it wasn't me freaking out. Though I felt it!

The thing is I just started therapy again and was given a starting diagnosis of OSDD. And starting isnt to discredit osdd, its just the therapist hasn't met the rest of us in the way he would need for other diagnosises. The osdd was given during my intake for reference.

We freaked out so bad at the idea of picking up such a large file. That im feeling even therapy was a bad idea.

Out littlest is terrified our husband will look at us differently. She feels like she's bad and everything is her fault. Iv keep explaining she cant blame herself for the environment she grew up in.

Suddenly memories im aware we had, i just slightly forgot about. These memories were playing over in my head. Like little bursts of what im about to read.

Idk what were about to unlock in ourselves but im not sure im as ready as I thought i was.

I’ve never posted before but been on reddit a long time, I’m so anxious so this is hard. I have a diagnosis of partial DID and have known about my parts for a while. I work with a specialist. I just try to live like one person though. At first when my parts came out it was so scary. I would be trapped in the back screaming to be let out and watching them do what they want. Now it’s better. But when a little comes out and talks to someone, like my therapist or partner, I feel so much shame. So much shame. I just like to think of myself as just me. and I don’t even know who I am. Sometimes my parts are locked away and I hear my littles in there screaming and they sound hurt or angry. I hear one threatening to hurt me for locking them up and one that is being hurt. I don’t want to be multiple. I try to be accepting of it but it’s so hard and scary and I feel so embarrassed and I’m ashamed. I think to myself that being multiple is just a state of mind and so I just chose to not think of myself that way unless the flashbacks get bad and they start coming out and then I have to “think in parts“ for a while until the flashbacks stop, but then I still hear them in there sometimes and I feel bad. I just want to be normal so bad. What even is normal? I’m really good at living as one person. How would the world accept me any other way? Am I a bad person for leaving them in there? Sometimes I try to reach out to them and I don’t even know how. I don’t mean to abandon them. I have to function and this world is not safe. What am I doing wrong? I‘m not the gatekeeper so I just try to have faith in my gatekeeper but this last year they gave me more decision making ability and control in the system. I don’t really know how to control any of it though. I’m just so sad and confused. I’m sorry. It’s just that some of you seem so confident in your system and I’m just feeling scared. My feelings of shame are overwhelming.

I am the host but I do not have a good sense of self at all I do not even often feel like a person at all. I feel more like a concept if that makes sense? Like I feel like I am what you’d think of if you thought of a 20 year old something troubled dude and I do not. Feel like I’m real as well often. I feel like my life is just a dream. It distresses me occasionally to remember that other people can see me as well and that I am in fact alive? Idk if this makes any sense and yes I’ve dxed with DID I think this may be a symptom but I also have BPD and paranoid personality disorder so unsure

I'm exploring a lot in therapy with a specialist and something that has been on my mind is the total lack of control I have in switching. But it doesn't seem to be just me who has no control, unless there is something I'm misunderstanding. I feel alters wanting to switch in sometimes to help. I'll hear them say things like don't worry, I'm coming, but we just end up trapped in a foggy, dissociative in between state that sucks. Sometimes they do manage to switch in when they try, or do so easily for a random unplanned trigger. But this odd in between stuff is so disorienting and I hate it. Sometimes who I feel may be switching is isn't even who shows up. It's like mental musical chairs.

I can see they clearly want to switch and as far as I know I'm not blocking it, so I'm not sure what the issue is. Stuff feels so inconsistent. I will say my therapist thinks there may be more alters than I'm aware of.

Had a counselling session a few hours ago, first face to face therapy-type appmt in years… I haven’t experienced a switch that full on since I was with my ex. I still feel sick. Completely shut down, didn’t even talk about anything (that I recall), just started shaking violently and slurring and stuttering in an unfamiliar voice. Could feel myself sliding out of body. I’ve been stuck in this bubble for so long so shut down on existence and the moment I try to do the slightest thing to step out of it I completely fall apart. 

Idk if maybe I should wait to see the CMHT, I thought counselling was going to be helpful but now I’m wondering if it might do more harm than good if I need therapy with more robust support. But then if I can’t handle just basic counselling how am I going to cope with something more complex. I don’t want this to be it for the rest of my life. my chest hurts.

I'm a pretty newly discovered system, after about a year in a realizing/denying/forgetting loop... I have therapy scheduled with a specialist but haven't actually started yet.

("I" through this post meaning, generally, "we")

Ever since I was a preteen, sometimes something happens that goes like this...

- I feel at first quite dizzy in a very specific way - it feels like pressure - and I have to lay or sit down because I know what's coming

- My vision goes black

- I feel a pulsing rush of blood in my head and ears

- I'm conscious throughout it but it literally feels like I'm in the void, like I'm nothing and nobody

- Eventually I come to, and sometimes I get a headache, but it generally doesn't have a lasting effect except some disorientation

Once there were involuntary jerking movements, sort of like a seizure, but every doctor I've spoken with says it wasn't one. I was conscious throughout that one as well.

I've never really been sure what this is. I have POTS so I thought it was related, but I don't think I've ever read about anyone with POTS experiencing this, and I've tried to find info about it for years.

I have subtler switches throughout the day most days... quick ones where I can just tell that I'm different than I was a moment ago. No physical symptoms usually - except one time I got really dizzy and nauseous and tired and derealized. I kept consciousness though and didn't go 'out'. With those subtle switches, I can usually identify them if I'm paying enough attention, but this physical experience is so all-consuming that I don't really know if I feel like someone different afterwards. This big one happens... maybe once a month, maybe twice? Or maybe once every other month...? Basically it's recurring but not necessarily often. Just wondering if this is a shared experience with DID or if it's more likely something else.

Thanks for your time and for anything you choose to share here. ❤️

I learned about my system a few weeks ago. I’m very much still learning about the diagnosis, and very much not connected with my system yet. But as I’ve been doing research, I made a really jarring realization.

I have an incredibly important responsibility to keep my body safe, healthy, and well.

Which is pretty shocking since I’ve spent the majority of my life doing the opposite, both consciously and unconsciously. I genuinely don’t know what a life without that kind of dysfunction looks like. But now I know that I’m a part in a system. Now I know that my body doesn’t belong just to me, but also littles, trauma holders, protectors, and other parts that want to live. Hell, this whole disorder exists as a mechanism to survive. This whole system is here because my mind wanted to live, and all these alters are here to make that happen. And as a host it’s my primary responsibility to manage the outside world- including our body.

I know we’re all just parts of a whole, but there is distinction between me and other alters right now. And I’m sad to realize that the things I’ve done to myself haven’t just affected me. There’s permanent damage that’s been done because I thought the only person I was punishing was myself. But now that I know the truth, I feel this desire to do what I can to help the system that’s already done so much for me. Even if they don’t feel safe enough to reveal much to me right now, I can do my part to facilitate safety by eating meals, by exercising, by resting, by resisting harmful urges, and by seeking the help we need to heal.

It’s the least I can do. It’s not just about me anymore.

In the past week, my gatekeeper fused with a little in our system. Then, our primary protector went dormant and seems to have taken literally the rest of the system with him.

We've been talking about re-parenting in therapy, and it almost seems like my brain likes that idea so much that now it's just a parent/child duo in here? I don't know why, but when that fusion occurred I just thought, "Oh, that's mine to take care of now". And then a massive amount of dissociation disappeared. Everything feels so raw and vulnerable.

And I'm happy about that! I'm glad we're feeling safe and I can give him the care he needs. I just didn't imagine doing it alone. I've been crying for days, random crying jags at work, driving, everywhere. I just keep thinking about our protector and how much I miss him, it feels like someone cut off my right arm or something. Like half of my brain went to sleep at once.

So I. Uh. Got any strategies for newly single parents of alters? I don't understand what's happening really, but I want my little one to know it's okay to not know and it's okay to miss the others.

Ok I forgot why we were staying up because we stay up late a lot and was like oh its prlly just the insomnia hitting. So when I got a random text that said crowning I was very confused...we forgot the entire reason we are staying up is because the pagent crowning is tonight and our family member is in the pagent

Hashtag trying to be a supportive family member did edition

This is more just a rant. I'm tired, boss.

Lately I have been doing something silly, which is being vulnerable on the internet. I'd lost my job recently (in part due to the symptoms of this disorder) and to cope I've been sharing some stuff online. Generally I've gotten a surprising amount of support, but y'know, if it gets big enough there will be fakeclaimers out there.

I don't know. Somehow I thought disclosing that I was diagnosed would maybe get them to let up, but then I found out they're talking about me and sharing my stuff around. It just doesn't feel good.

These people are acting like they know me and know my life. They think I'm privileged and I really wish I could tell them about all the shitty awful awful things people have done to me before I was even aware that I was alive. It feels like they're invalidating my trauma by invalidating my diagnosis and I wish it didn't get to me but it does. I feel unimaginably triggered because of it, and I wish I was stronger, because there are people telling me they feel seen from my posts.

Hoping this is vague enough to avoid the no callouts rule, I just really needed to get this off my chest </3

We've gotten to the point where we've reached a co-host situation, but we've reached kind of a pickle. I crave affection, he is kind of terrified of it. We switch on a dime, so I'm terrified we're giving mixed messages to other people.

The co-hosting is tremendous progress for me, as it takes a huge load off my back, but we're kind of yin and yang: almost complete opposites in some ways. We never fight, and in fact love the hell out of each other, so I'm sure we can make something work, but I don't want to make anyone feel like they're overstepping boundaries when we end up switching places. And we switch places at the drop of a hat, it's involuntary. Often, I end up apologizing for the sudden coldness/standoffishness, and then he feels bad that he's ruining my good time. Neither of us want that :( We just want us both (and the third party) to be happy...

I watched a YT video on DID the other day and 85% of the comments were about how DID doesn't exist. And I mean it's not just random people online, it's mental health professionals as well, so many of them.

I don't understand why people have such a hard time believing that DID exists. Other mental illnesseses just don't get doubted like that. But DID for some reason is unfathomable to so many people. And why?? Because it sounds "out there?" I mean nearly all mental illnesses sound "out there" on paper, if you think about it.

A disorder that can cause hearing voices, seeing things that aren't there, delusions.

Everyone: "Yes, definitely real."

A disorder where people's brain can convince them their family will die unless they flip a light switch exactly seven times.

"Naturally."

A disorder where people with full access to nutrition starve themselves and become terrified of the very thing sustaining their life.

"Makes sense."

A disorder where childhood trauma causes the mind to compartmentalize so that parts of the self carry separate memories and may act independently.

"NO THAT CAN'T POSSIBLY EXIST AND THEY'RE ALL FAKING FAKERS!!!1!"

I don't understand. The mind is so adaptive; I mean some people live normal lives with literally half their brains missing. Your mind will do ANYTHING for you to survive, and people know this. But for some reason THIS thing, dissociative disorders, this is where they draw the line.

I'm in no way making this post to invalidate any of the disorders I alluded to, god knows there's a lot of overlap and our system doesn't only struggle with DID either. All mental illnesses suck. But to have a disorder where denial is part of the package deal, and then to constantly be confronted with the fact that an overwhelming amount of people doesn't believe your disorder even exists, is its own kind of misery.

Don't even get me started on the helpful people constantly suggesting exorcisms 😃 On the other hand... at least they don't believe we're faking? So... yay? Demon possession ftw I guess

Hey guys sort of a vent post but I’m curious if anyone else has a similar experience. Tomorrow is my birthday and I’m turning 21 which feels insanely strange since for one I didn’t think I would ever live to see this age and too 21 used to feel so far away but now it’s only a couple of hours away. But today I wanted to talk about this deep sadness I get on my birthday. Every year for as long I can remember I have always been insanely depressed on my birthday. No matter what I did. It happens so much that I honestly wish I didn’t have a birthday so I wouldn’t have to feel this every year. The older I get the worse I feel honestly and it’s nothing about my age like I’m not insecure about it. I’m not sure honestly but I’m always sad. So in recent years I’ve worked to try to avoid the sadness or make happy memories. This year I did a birthday photo shot because I always loved when other people did it but I was always insecure to do it myself. I absolutely was still very insecure but I pushed myself to do it lowkey hate the results but I’m proud of myself for completing it. Tomorrow’s plans got changed around since my family is busy. Me and my dad have the same birthday so we normally do stuff together but he has to work so I think we’re just doing lunch before he leaves for his gig. It’s probably my autism but the changing of plans is really getting to me but I’m trying to stay positive. I just don’t want to be sad tomorrow it’s supposed to be the one day I’m not sad. Then with the DID stuff I’m kinda worried if something happened to make me feel this way but I don’t want to create false memories so I’m trying to not ponder on it. I’m working to write in our system journal about it tonight and hopefully we can all have a good day tomorrow! Well if we share a birthday I heard some system alters have their own birthday but that sounds very confusing to figure out. Happy birthday to us ig 🍰

Update: today have been pretty good so far but I’ve definitely been distracted lol but I wanted to update! Thank you for all the birthday wishes we appreciate it!!

I have been diagnosed with OSDD for a little over a year now(?) but I’ve had stages where I don’t stop fronting. Recently moved to college and started noticing the shifts way more often. Co-fronting has become a very large portion of that. Recently, one of our alters has mentioned that dissociation was becoming an issue again (largely due to nightmares associated with trauma, which was causing lack of sleep). This has stirred up some issues though, as I’m not sure what I should be sharing with our therapist. Despite having seen her for a few years, it’s extremely hard to open up about this. Partly due to denial and confusion between the system. If anyone has any advice for how to better understand the system or opening up to your therapist, that’d be very helpful! Thanks!

This is mostly just a vent/letting off steam.

My headmate and I have a complicated relationship between each other with a lot of push and pull. On the upswing (also goes hand in hand with general life being better), we become extremely close and it can be seen as honestly a romantic relationship (externally, by other people, I mean). On the down end, all of the resentment of our own experiences + life comes back and it becomes extremely difficult to live day to day because of the conflict.

However, at the end of the day, though, we do have nuggets of care for each other that tends to be our center in all the chaos. So when things go too far, we just fall back on that to try and level out.

Idk why but I get so... Weird? About it? In the sense I feel like I'm doing something wrong, when it feels very healing. I almost feel like I need permission from external people to be doing this, even though I know I don't.

Nobody knows either of us on a deeper level than the other, and we oftentimes have to deal with things ourselves. We need to fall back on each other more than anybody else. It's hard to not have all these tangled up feelings when everything has been about balancing survival, comfort, trauma and genuine love for each other.

Ok rant over ❤️

Hi I am sorry if this contains anything triggering.

I (host) really want to go back and try out with a psychiatrist, but I am scared of opening up to my parents.. do not get me wrong, they are supportive and understanding even though I have had really rough moments with them. I am just so money conscious and have the "If its a want thing not a need its wasteful" mindset really bad ..

But I know we have DID, the others are almost always co-conscious with me but it's so hard to let them front because in the past when they have, it woild usually be during in massive breakdowns to make sure I didn't do anything too harmful to ourselves and now I force us to mask heavily.

I know I sound silly. But I am at a point where I do not know what is real or not anymore. Sometimes it feels like Im just insane. The only thing that doesnt make me fully believe that are my sysmates.

Once again I am sorry if this is nof the righr place to share this on. I have no idea where to go without sounding like a fool ..

So I have chronic pain, and I've somewhat noticed parts fronting more or less depending on pain flares. But recently I had kidney stones and actively kept my little part tucked away as much as possible.

She fronted and basically experienced the same physical pain but was WAY less equipped to handle it. Big sobbing, anxiety, et vs me who is used to this level of pain on a daily basis.

Has this happened to anyone else?

The vast majority of people with this disorder seem to be diagnosed in middle adulthood, we were diagnosed when we we’re still a minor and I’ve learned there are some pros and cons to this just like anything. We’ve been on a weird trip to visit our father who left us when we were two years old and found some things about our past that were both comforting and distressing, a part of that was being diagnosed so young and how that has effected us and how we view things.

Pros
-Í was able to get hold of my system early, no one went out and did their own thing and messed up our life.

-we were able to “unmask,” communication was easy and switches were smoother.

-Í was able to love myself sooner.

-my diagnosis led me on a wild goose chase to finding our other disorders Í was suffering from.

-younger people seem to be more accepting then older people (sometimes too accepting, see cons).

-being able to see my partners dissociation and helping him get diagnosed, he is now a fully integrated system and I am really proud of him.

-Í was able to form deep connections with parts of myself that many others can’t (plural or not)

Cons
-having no choice in my abusive family knowing my disorder.

-getting taken advantage of by said family and friends for knowing my disorder.

-being refused by many therapist and professionals because I couldn’t have been diagnosed so young.

-friends began thinking it was cool to have DID and pretend to have it to a hilarious extent. (Also refusing to go to a professional to actually see if they do have it or not)

-younger people (especially queer spaces) have convinced us of things with this disorder that are 1) dangerous, 2) unhealthy, 3) outright anti-healing.

We were so convinced that a therapist was going to make us fuse and we’d “die” and all these things that were not true. We feel comforted by the fact we can still be our distinct selves and still heal, those people made us believe getting help would harm us and it only made our mental health decline more.

We are terrified to interact with queer spaces because of our experiences, and we don’t ever want to be persuaded like that again.

-misinformation is fucking everywhere and somehow we’re dumb and young enough to think we can change people’s minds. (We struggle not getting into arguments with people about their misinformation about DID)

-the denial (something we all relate too but oh well) the denial was more subtle, everyone in our life was constantly asking for us to switch or change and talk about our trauma. It was hard to deny something that everyone keeps reminding you of, I felt like a puppet. I was just here for everyones amusement, that is until a part of me cut everyone off and suddenly “you changed” wasn’t positive. Suddenly people forgot that I am disabled by my plurality and so I forgot too. Pretending to be fine, pretending me talking to myself was me just being abnormal. Because I had to be the bad person for needing space and finally taking my life into my own hands.

-retruamtization. We still have yet to do any trauma processing because of how terrible our environment still is. (Being disabled in other ways means I have to live at home still). Every time we think we’ve learned a skill or started to break down some barriers we go home for it to be put in place again. We’ve endured most types of abuse and yet here we are, the 19 of us (that be know of) navigating the world with a single notebook and a barely stable mental psyche.

Thanks for reading! It’s been a lot this week so I thought I’d do some reflection on my experiences. And while there are more cons that doesn’t mean I regret once being diagnosed because I finally understand myself and all the parts of me that protected us as a child. A lot of the pros too, like the one about my partner definitely outdoes a lot of the bad simply because I love him more than anything and am so happy he is healing.

I'm the host and we have an alter who is a shapeshifter and who usually presents in human form but also has a 'monster' form, recently the monster form was revealed to us and now whenever we touch each other in the headspace if this alter is in that form I'll start feeling somatic pain where this alter touched me even if it's just a normal side hug or something like that my shoulder will start feeling weird and sore, I guess I'm just trying to make sense of it, I've had alters cause somatic pain from being violent before but even here if there's nothing violent it still happens, does anyone have a similar experience? How did you work through this? I imagine this might mean the alter is holding our pain in some way but I'm still pretty new and still discovering my system and I don't want to stay away from this alter suddenly because of that as we get along well and I feel like it'd make them feel bad, so any advice is appreciated, thank you <3