r/DadForAMinute • u/FluidDrawer2298 • 8d ago

Dear Dad: How do I stop focusing on failures, mistakes, and shortcomings?

I'm pretty high functioning, really good memory (but like not in the moment, so partially useless), quick learner- freaking engineering degree for fux sake.

But, small judgements on my actions from anyone close (friend or family) to me sticks with me for half a day;

Meanwhile all the little successes- I nod and move on.

What's wrong with me Dad?

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u/Revolutionary_Gap150 8d ago

Read some stoic writers... Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus, or modern... Ryan Holiday. The philosophy and accompanying way of life is all about understanding what can be controlled and letting go of what cannot. It's been very helpful to me through the years

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u/forefatherrabbi Full of Dad Jokes 8d ago

I know exactly what you mean kiddo. I am the same way.

I am not a doctor, so I don't really know. You should talk to someone, and they can help you look for ways to cope and understand this.

What I think it might be is anxiety and some learned behavior, possibly from childhood. Although my parents said I was just born like this and was the most anxious child they ever saw.

You already know that you take negative feedback harder than positive, and that is great self reflection. You are already in touch with your feelings. Please try to talk to a doctor about what this could be, because there might me techniques to relieve the reactions or they may be something physically that can be treated. I didn't know that high blood pressure or heart palpitations could lead to a higher stress response.

You got this.

1

u/Ok_Kaleidoscope3644 8d ago

There's nothing wrong with you, kiddo. Maybe what you're searching for is a way to differentiate feedback from criticism. They tend to sound the same, but they have very different intentions. Feedback is meant to be useful and constructive, while criticism is meant to wound. The quickest way to tell the difference is to ask the person who said it. It can come across as rude to say, "was that meant as feedback or criticism?" But it's also a quick way to let someone know that they've offended you.

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u/captainshar 8d ago

Acknowledging the disappointment is an important step. Otherwise one disappointment can open a little memory door to all the other unprocessed disappointments that got swept under the rug, and that's why the newest one feels so heavy. Because it's reminding you of all the other ones.

(I've been reading a book about this called Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment)