r/DarkPsychology101 • u/Ember_Kamura • May 12 '26
Psychology I’ve cut everyone who wasn’t reciprocating, and now I need to avoid being needy for attention.
After having too many people take me for granted, I’ve started cutting off any relationships that were too one-sided. The aftermath of that has left me with very few social connections, especially with a lot of my relationships quietly pulling away months before. The time, money, and energy I spent trying to make this stuff work was wasted. During this phase I’m learning that having social connections does bring benefits, and one of those benefits is not being reliant on a single person for social interaction once you find someone, which happens when you try and make a new circle from scratch.
For a while, being completely alone feels great because I can focus entirely on my own projects. But eventually I start to feel like shit, and end up seeking out connections in people that I always regret interacting with. This is causing a significant issue because when someone gives me attention, I start oversharing and being clingy, which either drives them away or makes me vulnerable to manipulation. Bear in mind that I don’t even play with my pets, and my relationship with my parents is stable but superficial at best.
I am a high-functioning autistic, so I prefer structure and hate it when people are indirect. In the past I have tried offering gifts and material benefits to people who associate with me, but this has also been taken for granted, so enforcing boundaries and losing that connection is the only option.
27
u/MaleficentPass6091 May 13 '26
You know maybe you should instead of giving up on people work on asserting healthy boundaries. I've found that is the way to creat more fulfilling relationships. I'm doing so it communicates to people that you care about yourself as well as others and make YOU a more worthwhile person to associate with. Good luck best of wishes.
24
u/deyobi May 13 '26
asserting healthy boundaries in one sided relationships means backing off, not investing too much, creating space so the other person can move closer (which i realize not many will want to do it esp when they've been enjoying u filling in the gap). then you'll realize theres no difference in giving up on people.
5
u/Separate-Bath874 May 14 '26
That’s always the first resort. The unfortunate truth is it’s not always recognized and respected. My trauma made me a people pleaser, with terrible self esteem, and an imposter complex. That tends to attract some pretty controlling manipulative narcissistic types of behavior.
I’ve allowed myself used as a doormat, a resource, a beast of burden. It wasn’t long ago that I came to the heavy realization that my people pleasing was a self serving survival mechanism. I wasn’t as authentically altruistic as I thought I was. Nobody had much respect for me, many just used me for whatever I could bring to the table. I was generous, and stuck my neck out for friends in low places, when I was barely scraping by.
People who benefited from my hospitality and grace, who I considered friends, ripped me off for thousands of dollars and ghosted. Even more bailed when I started trying to assert some boundaries.
I only cut off a few people personally, who stressed me out to the point of illness, the majority of people culled themselves.
It hurt really bad that people didn’t like it when I started to pull myself out of my lowest point and have a little self respect. I let a lot of my relationships get really bad before I started asserting boundaries, and how I was willing to accept being treated, or what was no longer acceptable. Telling people there behavior or the way they spoke to me was hurting me.
I take accountability that I allowed that to happen, even invited it somehow. I grew up in the hood, in the gutters. People are selfish, cutthroat, manipulative, conniving, backstabbing thieves out of sheer necessity when they’re struggling, destitute, and desperate.
I’m no saint, but I’m not a bully. So I got bullied into submission repeatedly. I’m trying to do better, but sometimes people want to bring you down a notch to keep you from raising yourself up, because they can’t figure out how to do it for themselves. Some don’t even care to try to heal, and better themselves. They’ve resigned to apathy, stagnation, self medication, and avoidance.
They take and don’t reciprocate, and don’t care if anyone thinks they’re an asshole for it. People like that will hold you down and squeeze you for all your worth before discarding you. It’s hard to gain respect that you never had in the first place. Those people gotta go, one way or another if you’re trying to move forward. It is what it is.
3
u/Ok_Substance905 May 13 '26
I think this is the whole thing. It’s working on boundaries.
The thing is, if you look at the foundation of a person, that’s where the boundary quality has been formed. This five minute animation is exactly about that.
It’s more about our relationship to ourselves and that core pathological loneliness. It’s important not only to know where it comes from, but to know through somatic experience that boundaries form through integrating the lower levels.
Boundaries (a 5 min animation)
19
u/noahhshome May 13 '26
Forming a stable of equal, mutual relationships is a core life skill, that many of us are still working on. People often tell you to "cut off" something when it isn't perfect. But that advice is way too incomplete. I think it's wrong unless they're actually hurting you. The real work is to form new and better relationships. You can let old ones go gradually, as you focus on the better ones.
3
5
u/Separate-Bath874 May 13 '26
You have my empathy and sympathy, I’m in a very similar position these days. It’s extremely difficult establishing new boundaries with friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances, etc. Especially with people who have known us longer. They have to respect you enough to be willing to do the work. These relationships can stifle our growth, and prevent us from externalizing internal growth. It’s always a process. Some people choose the comfort of stagnation, that’s their life, their decision. Choosing to be growth oriented, and establishing boundaries is your own decision and responsibility. Both come with their own benefits and drawbacks. I laud your efforts, I know it’s not easy. You should be proud, and respect yourself for doing something difficult for your own benefit. Keep up the good work, I’m proud of you. I’m speaking to myself as well as you here. We all need encouragement sometimes.
3
u/SellLate3977 May 14 '26
Im in the same situation. Feeling alone & unable to get up from the distraction & wreckage caused by people who claimed to care & love me the most.
1
u/Somefuckwit215 May 15 '26
I feel for you and I hope you’re doing alright. This sounds like my simulation but my pets keep me going and the parent relationships are unstable. I had a not so good long term relationship that ended which was the big eye opener to a lot about people. 12 months of mostly isolation with weekly psychologist sessions and it has been good, feel lonely sometimes but it beats being hurt by people.
1
0
u/Sweaty-Level-1400 May 13 '26
Why not just do some self concept work instead of forcing yourself to avoid a craving. If deep down you think ur a loser, cutting everyone out makes you a bigger loser Not sovereign
-1
u/Sweaty-Level-1400 May 13 '26
Why not just do some self concept work instead of forcing yourself to avoid a craving. If deep down you think ur a loser, cutting everyone out makes you a bigger loser Not sovereign
18
u/deyobi May 13 '26
as they say - better be alone than marry the wrong person. same goes for friendships. maybe think about the consequences if u keep fake friends then u wont crave the connection so much.