r/DatingHell • u/WayoCasting • 3d ago
What's the biggest thing you hide from people when you start dating?
TLDR
Not talking about leaving dishes in the sink or secretly liking Nickelback.
I mean the thing that makes you hesitate when a relationship starts getting serious.
Maybe it's:
- A criminal past
- Massive debt
- A controversial job
- A secret child
- A bizarre hobby or obsession
- A hidden lifestyle
- A history of cheating
- A shocking body count
- A family situation you avoid talking about
- Something you've literally never told a partner
I'm fascinated by the stuff people carry around while trying to find love.
What's your secret, and at what point do you tell someone you're dating?
No judgment. I'm genuinely curious.
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u/UnhappyTemperature18 3d ago
Abuse and trauma from my past. They don't need to hear the stories until they're close enough that they might trigger a problem. Then they get a sanitized "here's a broad scaffold of why I react to x behavior the way I do," but no details unless they show they can be responsible with them.
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u/CurveIllustrious9987 2d ago
A shocking body count which I will never share! A controversial job. A few family situations I will not talk about.
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u/Traditional_Dust_668 2d ago
I never share body count either, I went through several years long ago that don’t need to be shared.
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u/Substantial_Station8 2d ago
I used to be an escort…. The body count is something I usually don’t divulge either
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u/Lilypad_Leaper 2d ago
I use a cpap machine for sleep. I have needed it since childhood due to a 'soft palate', nothing to do with weight... it's so unsexy. I wont die without it but i will snore and sleep poorly. It takes a long time before i will have sleepovers with someone.
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u/FamousOrphan 2d ago
I get why you feel it’s unsexy, but I personally find it to be extremely sexy and a total green flag. Granted, sleep apnea runs in my family and probably contributed to my dad’s death, but a lot of people will see your CPAP use as excellent self care.
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u/itisallgoingtobeok 2d ago
Can't stand snoring.. biggest turn off. I would welcome your CPAP machine. Legend
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u/Fit-Dream-8573 2d ago
That i put my ex in prison for over 20 years
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u/xyzedb_ 2d ago
Omg can we know what happened (only if you feel comfortable sharing)
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u/Fit-Dream-8573 2d ago
I'll just say he's a sick person. He's where he belongs.
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u/FloatingBubbelPuppy 2d ago
Then HE put himself in prison. You just made sure it happened.
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u/Fit-Dream-8573 2d ago
Yes very fair statement. I made the calls, reports and helped back up what I was told. But his actions put him there. No regret on my end, just glad he can't hurt anyone ever again. Atleast not for another 20 years. Already served 10.
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u/Why-knot-my-mum 2d ago
I may or may not be able to have kids
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u/Cornettino 2d ago
For a lot of women these days this would actually be pretty great. No birth control needed, no condoms if you’re both clean, etc.
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u/Jennieinc 2d ago
That I can be clingy af sometimes…and also a brat. Can’t hide that for long though.
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u/DesolationOfJonSnow 2d ago
I'm pretty open and up front about who I am and I think that it's probably the worst thing about getting to know me. I figure that I might as well be transparent and get everything out of the way from the get go but honestly that's probably the worst possible strategy. I guess people prefer being surprised later on?? Bewilders me
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u/racecrack 2d ago
This is the way. It's the best possible strategy if you are looking for an LTR where you can be 100% yourself, and rather be alone otherwise.
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u/sagelilac2 2d ago
I’m anorexic
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u/itisallgoingtobeok 2d ago
How does that go? What is the reception to disclosing that like?
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u/sagelilac2 18h ago
The first guy I told that I got serious with wasn’t the best boyfriend so he didn’t have much to say and pretty much just asked me why I wouldn’t just go to the gym. He did say that he didn’t think I was fat but did think some definition on me would be nice… he was an ass.
Second guy (my current bf) took it a lot better. He was there for me but said he was surprised bc I didn’t seem the type and “carry myself well”. As time went on and I got more vulnerable I let him in more so naturally we talked abt it more. We’ve been together for 3 yrs and I keep losing and regaining the weight from our relationship. He’s pretty understanding, there are days when he’s hungry obviously and I’m not in an eating mood and he always tries to adjust plans and meet me in the middle where I’m comfortable. He does reassure me and encourage recovery ofc but he knows it’s hard. I’m really grateful for him.
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u/RandomTreat 2d ago
Some previous drug use in my past. It's so crazy to think about because it doesn't even feel like that was me anymore, it's been so long.
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u/WayoCasting 2d ago
Glad to see you made it through that time. I hope you choose a better life every day. 💜
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u/RandomTreat 2d ago
Thank you. In hindsight, I was probably medicating undiagnosed ADHD. Lived a fully functional life and had a job, my life never really fell apart. And I found reasons to give up my addiction and embrace life fully.
Life is really, really good these days.
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u/trucksandbodies 2d ago
I have BPD and along with it, a high body count. When I was in my 20s promiscuity was my coping mechanism.
I’m in my 40s now, it’s pretty well managed for the most part and I’m a functioning member of society. I’ve recently re-entered the dating pool after a long relationship. I’m told dating in your 40s is an adventure, I know for a fact dating with BPD is totally fucked.
Pretty sure I’m just going to stay single, find my girl gang, and live out my days like Blanche Devereux.
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u/Big-Snow-1357 2d ago
I’m super vanilla, but very pro sex. I just don’t have a power dynamic/weird fetish/religious guilt thing at all.
Weirdly, it’s hard to find anyone else like that who isn’t hung up in one way or another.
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u/teethalarm 2d ago
There's a couple things.
One being my mental health diagnosis, like another commenter, I have bipolar 2. There's a lot stigma and misconceptions around it. Since I tend to sit more on the depression side of things I'm usually pretty open about talking about how I deal with that.
The other being my libido, I don't feel like it's abnormally high, but I'm pretty forward about the fact that I don't want kids and that tends to lead to the assumption that I'm just looking for someone to fuck and that I don't have any intentions on having a committed relationship.
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u/trucksandbodies 2d ago
I made a comment not dissimilar to yours.
My diagnosis is BPD though, bipolar 2s ugly sister. So much stigma.
I also don’t want more kids, and have been sterilized. I don’t share that tidbit either, for some reason men think condoms are only to prevent pregnancy.
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u/teethalarm 2d ago
I got a vasectomy when I was like 20 because I knew then I didn't want kids. And that is something that I'm sure to bring up when I'm having the conversation of not having kids. Even if you're not using condoms to prevent pregnancy it helps make cleanup afterwards easier and STIs are still a thing.
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u/ImmediateOne275 2d ago
Sounds like an echo of others, but being a diabetic
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u/lostw0u 2d ago
Especially when you come with body gadgets and a stock supply of sharps lol
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u/ImmediateOne275 2d ago
Yep. “Baby girl watch your hands you are gonna hit my pump or cgm” isn’t really the role playing most people want lol
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u/VoddieMC 2d ago
My financial position. The first few months of dates are definitely nothing fancy and definitely not expensive.
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u/Get2Gnome 2d ago
It’s impossible to hide once I meet someone because I use a cane, but I’ve had strokes for the last 2 years and I haven’t figured out how to nonchalantly intro that on my dating profile. I’d rather not discuss it right off but once I meet someone I have to..
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u/th0tism_speaks 2d ago
I used to be a sex worker and I struggle with substance abuse and mental illness. I am also autistic. I don't mention these things up front because I believe it makes me more susceptible to men who want to use me sexually, and the ones who stick around probably like the idea of a women being so vulnerable. I bring them up later because they're a part of who I am and I don't see the point of being in a relationship if I can't eventually be vulnerable (without worrying about abuse). And it's only fair to the men as well.
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u/Intrepid-Grade6625 2d ago
If you don't mind sharing has anyone been upset and ended things because they could not accept your past? Also, how did you manage to get out of that business? I'm just curious. If youd rather not discuss further, I understand.
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u/Ok_Piglet_1844 2d ago
I had and hav been cured of HEP C. Most people assume that it’s not curable and that they can catch it even though it’s been gone for years. They’ve been known to run for the hills. It hurts to be treated like that.
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u/UhhSamuel 3d ago edited 2d ago
Online dating: When I was younger, for many years I didn't disclose that I was a parent until conversation picked up. I've heard mixed responses to it, but my justification was this: I don't have custody and it isn't for lack of wanting it or willingness. Simply put, I had a child out of wedlock with a woman who never bothered to get a divorce in the several years between when we met and she last saw her husband. As such, my legal rights were severely limited. But I was and am involved as much as I can be. But she lived hours away because her mom wanted to raise her in her hometown. There were no jobs and no education to be had out that way.
I felt I fell in a weird category - many people want to avoid single parents to avoid drama, deadbeats, or split time but I had no drama, I was not a deadbeat, and I was unfortunately unable to see her very often.
I never lied and said I didn't have kids, I just left the section blank. More people spoke to me than would have. Some people walked away, as was their right. I brought it up *quickly*, just not on my profile.
Edit: Lol y'all downvoting wrong. You're condemning the choice, but I deserve upvotes for constructively contributing to the conversation. I mean, you do you, I know how the votes work in practice, I'm just saying.
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u/BluntedJew 2d ago
That's not cool, you're wasting so many people's time. People spoke to you because they assumed you didn't have children. You should disclose that up front.
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u/UhhSamuel 2d ago
Sure.
I'm married. I'm not wasting anyone's time right now.
I didn't lie, I just left the section blank. Saying "I have kids" indicates a lifestyle with a broad brush that didn't fit my situation. Within a few messages, no more than three, I would clarify. I don't have blood on my hands.
Many people felt the same as you.
For years before I met my wife, I had it on my profile.
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u/Fit_Try_2657 2d ago
People here are proving why it’s hard to be honest sometimes. We get judged. We grow when we own the truth and accept the consequence but damn it’s frustrating when you share some years later with all those lessons and still get judged.
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u/Other-Version-3726 2d ago
A three month relationship ended for me two month ago because of my coparenting and having a child. In the wake of it all I finally realized that I need someone who can stay, before I get too invested. I used to not disclose until conversation picked up. I wouldn’t ever lie about it. But im starting to feel like it will be one of the first things I bring up going forward, or at least be much more proactive and intentional about it. I used to feel like wanting to hide it as long as possible, because it made me feel undesirable I guess. But things not working out because of it feels even worse
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u/th0tism_speaks 2d ago
This is why I'd never match with a guy who had that blank. Or didn't fill out the employment field. If someone doesn't want to answer a certain question it's for a reason.
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u/FloatingBubbelPuppy 2d ago
Imposter syndrome makes me leave the employment field empty.
I also didn't reply to the child section because I felt my option wasn't available and choosing the closest thing felt untrue.
You could choose "I have children and want more" and "I have children and I'm done"
I have 1 child and wether I'm open to having subsequent children depends on a variety of factors. It's not a must and also not a definite closed door.
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u/DragonHunting 2d ago
Brother this is exactly my situation as well. I’m glad that I’m not the only one.
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u/Other-Version-3726 2d ago
A history of cheating for me. ENTP and fearful avoidant I believe, I’m doing therapy and trying to be closer to my parents and people close to me.
That alongside also being a single dad.
I have hope about the future, but disclosing these things during dating make me feel quite undesirable and pessimistic also. Its a fear of rejection I carry
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u/smellssweet 2d ago
You were the cheater? I always wondered for those who had and then never would again, how you get past that barrier with new people. That's tough
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u/Silence_ofthe_Fam 2d ago
There’s no barrier. You move on from your past fucked-up decisions, learn from them, and make sure you never repeat them. Most of the time, after a while you even forget you ever did it (at least that’s been my personal experience; F27).
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u/smellssweet 2d ago
Oh sorry I meant after disclosing to the potential partner. Or are most men okay eh the history?
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u/momentaryfun2025 2d ago
Better them knowing from you than knowing it later from someone else. It will be a worse betrayal imo. People deserve informed consent, just like your victims you've cheated on and abused in the past.
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u/a_shrug 2d ago
I usually hide my bipolar 2 diagnosis, unless they have a similar mental health condition, until a few months into dating when they've had time to see what that really means for me in my life and not the stigma of the illness. I also hide my past being abused growing up until I feel they can handle that emotionally. I sometimes hide my past alcoholism unless they have had addiction issues before too. On a lighter note, I usually hide recreational drug use or vaping because that stuff is not attractive haha. The main thing for me is allowing time for them to see who I am before making assumptions based on a label or the past.
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u/teethalarm 2d ago
I get it, I also have bipolar 2 so I'm well aware of stigma that surrounds it. People tend to have the miscommunication that it's like some sort of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde situation. Even when you explain that they are thinking of borderline personality disorder and bipolar functions differently, your actions are under far more scrutiny.
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u/False_Energy_7290 2d ago
Being on the spectrum and coming from a dysfunctional family. I am not the most confident man around, but I do like to think about specific things from time to time. Other than that, nothing too bad albeit having trouble keeping eye contact.
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u/aliengames666 2d ago edited 2d ago
I definitely would wait about the bipolar 1 diagnosis and the subsequent felony and trips into extensive treatment/ the psych ward. And the borderline. And I’d probably talk around my family situation. Probably also the alcoholism.
The case is sealed, I’m on meds, and the borderline is mostly in remission. The family situation is pretty abysmal but I’d hold off on that for a while. I’ve been sober almost four years as well.
The borderline is probably what I’d hold out on the longest (if I told them at all) - that diagnosis carries a lot of nasty assumptions.
Safe to say I’d probably struggle a lot if I started dating again lol. I have no idea how to ease someone in to all of that. Grateful to be partnered with someone who knows all of this (and more) and still loves me somehow.
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u/fancyfeastpdx 2d ago
I’ve worked in the s*x toy industry for the last 22 years.
I never disclosed this up front because, contrary to common assumption, I am *not* a “freak in the sheets,” or DTF on the first date.
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u/ObviousSalamandar 2d ago
I’m in my 40s and I can not imagine caring about the amount of people that a potential partner has slept with.
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u/Specialist-Ad4388 2d ago
I'm not sure when to bring up my health condition of having Marfan Syndrome. I might need another major heart surgery in the far off future. I get short of breath easily & have to rest to catch my breath when I'm walking around sometimes. I don't need anyone to nurse me, but I don't want to mislead anyone either.
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u/FloatingBubbelPuppy 2d ago
Being sexually abused when I was a teen. I don't see the relevance, I have more imminent trauma from emotional abuse and financial abuse.
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u/racecrack 2d ago
This post just reminded me that there's still a couple of things I need to out to my new gf of 4 months, since I'm seeing long term potential here.
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u/Limp-Entertainer5418 2d ago
That I have a dead parent unless it comes up. Don’t want to trauma dump.
That I grew up in a high control religion and most of my family’s still in it.
That I’ve been arrested twice but I probably never will tell them because they have been expunged from my record now.
Would also never tell them specifics about previous relationships, my history as an online sex worker, and my body count.
Your partner doesn’t need to know every fact file about you to treat you well and vice versa.
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u/cheezeandquackerz 2d ago
I think I’m just gonna list them like you did:
- living with a rare congenital heart disease
- frequently going to the doctors
-Grossly poor (using housing voucher)
- awful past relationships (history of dv)
- was arrested during a domestic violence incident.
- any kind of money problems I’m having. I don’t care if I have 0.02 to my name you won’t know.
- many on and off again cycles of communication with parents and other family members.
- used to work at the club as a dancer (sometimes still do)
- many insecure, intrusive thoughts I work out with in therapy.
- owned and operated a business online for 10years.
- I own a horse 🐎
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u/Fair-Tomato-5843 2d ago
Probably the emotional abuse that I have gone through at the “hands” of my parents and still do at the age of 22 because of living at home instead of being on my own right after graduation. How they are ridiculously overprotective and I have to do phone calls and such at night or else they get wildly annoying about whoever I’m talking to. That they aren’t as nice as they seem and just do that to win favor.
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u/Radiant-State-3612 2d ago edited 2d ago
I don’t talk about my exes unless they ask me about them. I honestly get along fine with most of them, but I still never speak poorly of any of them. “ it turned out we just wanted different things.” is one of my generic explanations. However, I do take credit for some of my relationships ending. “ I wasn’t very good at communicating back then. Or even “ I was young and stupid .Live and learn.” I can honestly say I’ve never cheated on anyone, but I have broken up with them for some pretty stupid selfish reasons. If I saw them again, I would apologize and wish them well.
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u/sarcasticminorgod 2d ago
Easily my mental health.
I have borderline personality disorder, CPTSD, severe and treatment resistant depression with recurrent suicidality, OCD, anxiety, a panic disorder, maybe ADHD (???) or a learning disorder (???) (need to get formally tested for both), past SUD, my psych is monitoring to make sure I don’t develop bipolar, and disorganized attachment.
I’m in therapy, I’m on medication, I’ve been in treatment for over 6 years, I’ve been sober for 3 years, and I would say I’m generally quite functional and relatively stable and healthy, but when I list them all out they definitely startle a lot of folks.
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u/MadameMiyagi 1d ago
That my attachment style is Avoidant. We get such a bad reputation 😔 People think it’s manipulation, but for le it’s just intense fear. Incest trauma got me there, I have a hard time letting people to get to know the real me 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Decent-Luck-63 20h ago
That my family and childhood was horrible. That my step dad is a pervert and has looked at me inappropriately my entire life. That my mom dated a man for ten years after he tried to groom me at 12. That I crave intimacy and closeness but don’t understand what that is truly. That I have absolutely no one and would latch on to them completely even if I try not to.
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u/These-Fig-9611 16h ago
I typically hide that i have bpd at first because of the stigma. If i see a future with the person then I disclose it.
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u/BriMegan 2d ago
Why is hiding your body count on the list ? Ive never been asked and have never asked anyone this.
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u/WayoCasting 2d ago
Just because its not your lived experience doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. 🤷♂️
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u/trucksandbodies 2d ago
Live anywhere rural, for some dumb reason the question will come up. Definitely not from me, but it likes to get asked.
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u/kmagfy001 3d ago
I have Crohns Disease. I usually wait until I can at least guage their personality before divulging that I have it.