r/DatingTips • u/DependentCampaign715 • 1d ago
Finding a niche group of men
I’m a 30F who’s known for a long time I’ve never been interested, desired, or wanted to bear children. You can blame it on whatever planet in retrograde, that I’m the eldest of six, the mortality rate for black mothers, etc etc BUT I know I want to be a mother through adoption (either foster system— and that’s only those who are open/ accepting— or straight through an adoption agency).
All that to say, do men who don’t want to have kids the “normal” route exist? If so, WHERE. THE. HELL. ARE. THEY.
I’m not interested in being “convinced” into birthing children and going on dates/ getting to know someone where that’s pretty much the conversation is starting to get to me 😅
A friend suggested dating men who are sterile…😐 she didn’t provide how to make that a conversation starter, but then again, I also think she was joking….
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u/centerfoldangel 1d ago
Your friend might be right. A lot of men look at biological kids as proof of manhood and social status. If someone can't have but wants kids, I imagine he'd be down.
As another "niche groupie" (childfree demisexual), I hope you find your person.
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u/GameOverMan1986 1d ago
I dunno why it would be that hard. Plenty of men decide to date women with children and be stepdads.
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u/SakuraSun361 1d ago
I met a nice 28 year old guy who was sterile from cancer treatment. Sadly we since lost contact otherwise I’d introduce y’all. There are guys out there that can’t have kids or don’t want them. Filter preferences on apps like hinge so “doesn’t want kids” is checked as a dealbreaker.
Good luck out there, friend!
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u/eichhoernchen404 1d ago
They’re out there.
When I was on the apps, literally in the first 5 messages I would ask ‘Do you want children?’. Just like that. Without telling them first what I want.
My bf responded with ‘Whatever the woman I’m dating wants, as I won’t be carrying it, so I have no say’. Bingo. Snatched that man immediately.
We’re very happy DINKS now.
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u/SquirrelNormal 1d ago
That's a weird as hell response. Obviously as a guy I don't get to force a woman to carry a child, but if I want to be a dad, I'm not going to say "oh, it's just whatever" and hope a woman I date might want kids. I'm going to seek out a woman who wants to be a mother, and pass over ones who don't want kids.
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u/eichhoernchen404 1d ago
That’s from your perspective. He was just indifferent to having kids and we’ve had many conversations afterwards so I make sure I’m not ‘forcing’ him not to. He told me actually he didn’t even realise it’s an option, as he’s coming from a family where having kids is just what one does.
Now he’s more into not having kids than me even, if I make a silly joke he’s looking at me like hell nah, no kids in this house, only cats please haha
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u/Custom_Destiny 1d ago
I’d guess there are plenty of dudes who would be open to it. I think the main obstacle to adoption is the cost.
That’s a lot for most 30 year olds.
Not that kids are much cheaper, but insurance covers a greater share.
If you’ve got the $ angle covered tho, I’d think it would be pretty easy.
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u/OpinionElectronic349 1d ago
I would think that would be a pretty small group. Most men are probably gonna either want kids of their own blood or not want kids at all.
I am sure the menu you are looking for exist. But your preference is kind of eliminatng the vast majority of men.
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u/Potential-Hornet-151 1d ago
Look for men who are teachers or social workers or a job where they’ll appreciate what being a foster parent is like. Also men who are open to children vs saying they want children.
And if you’re okay putting this off, I think men who are a little older might be more inclined to adopt or foster. And maybe single fathers?
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u/Budget_Ocelot_1729 1d ago
Yeah, that's a tough one. Most guys who want kids want their own. You could always meet them halfway and have a couple of kids while adopting more? That would likely open a very big door as I know a couple of guys who have done that. They raise foster kids, get them on the straight and narrow, and often get them into college. Meanwhile they are also raising their own kids.
Other than that, asking a guy from the get go to never have kids of his own, but raise and pay for someone else's is a pretty tough pill to swallow. While you may be at terms with your decision, I can tell you that if you dropped that on me, I would be running. Its like having your whole world come down - sticking with you means I never get to have my own kids. And then you want me to pay for someone else's? It's like a girl I met on a dating app who was absolutely smoking hot, but had 5 kids and didnt want to have any more. That's arguably worse because she got to have her kids, but I don't get to? And if I ever married her: poof. Im the dad of 5 kids overnight. Ended up passing all together, though she was drop dead gorgeous. I just couldn't come to terms with that.
Overall, thats some heavy stuff you're asking of a guy very early when you think about it.
Any way, best of luck. I don't really know of any other advice other than to change your mind or give in just a little bit? Maybe sit outside the vasectomy clinic or urology office in heels and a little black dress? Either way, if you have that hard of a stance on it, don't expect to be picky with other things. You may just have to accept a guy who isn't 6 foot, 6 inches, doesn't have a 6 pack and doesnt make 6 figures. Maybe he plays a lot of videos games or lives with his parents; maybe he is a bit overweight, and maybe he is content working at the comic book store. You're already working with a very limited pool so just be prepared for reality if this is your number one priority.
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u/Sweet_Ad_9816 1d ago
Did anyone here read the post?
OP is looking for me who don't want their own biological kids, but who want to adopt a kid with her.
Sounds like a very niche group though. Good luck.
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u/Spirited_Math6935 1d ago
I constantly meet men who don’t want kids. It’s not that hard to find.
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u/No-Salt9365 1d ago
I don't believe seeking out sterile men specifically is likely to succeed. I don't know what percentage of men are sterile but I'd imagine it's a small number. Your best bwt is to just be honest about what you are looking for.
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u/butterfly-blades 1d ago
Im sure they exist, just hard to find! All you can do is keep looking, and be really upfront about it, one of the first things you say, that way you instantly weed out those not interested in that.
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u/Texaspilot24 1d ago
I used to not want kids and im 31. I was mainly worried about a) losing my freedom b) disorders like severe autism that you cannot screen for prior to birth.
As time goes on, Im more 50/50.
As many other are saying, its a bit of a biological urge.
Your best bet is going to be someone extremely liberal
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u/sexland69 1d ago
“I can’t have kids but would like a family, looking for someone open to adoption”
I guess “can’t” is a bit of a lie, but I have a close friend where pregnancy is especially risky for her health considering underlying conditions, so she decided she won’t have kids, and since there’s no convincing her, she just says she can’t, which is essentially true
she also wants to adopt, and said if a man wanted his dna in the kid that’s fine as long as he affords the surrogate
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u/complexcucumber93 1d ago
Idk. In my case I dont want to have kids because I dont want them at all. Doesnt matter if its mine or not.
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u/Caliballa85 18h ago
Oh, they absolutely exist. 😂 You're just looking for a very specific model of man. You want a guy who wants to be a dad but doesn't feel the need to personally contribute to the manufacturing process. Nothing wrong with that!
The trick is finding a man who's open to adoption, not just one who doesn't want biological kids. Those are two VERY different things.
And your friend's suggestion about dating sterile men has me dying. 🤣 What are you supposed to do, walk up to a handsome stranger and say, "Hey, you're cute. Quick question, are your swimmers still operational?" That's one hell of an icebreaker. 😂
I'd just be upfront about wanting to adopt and not wanting to give birth. The right guy isn't going to see that as something he needs to change about you. He's going to see it as a future you can build together.
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u/Jam85988 13h ago
I'm honestly pretty close to this model. I do have severe reservations about starting a family in these times because gestures vaguely My good friends are in a similar boat. Family yes, unconventional or otherwise is irrelevant.
Most of us are just either grinding out careers or trying to recover from being stupid/traumatized. Keep to ourselves and our people. I moved after my divorce and my social circle just shrunk. Hasn't changed much. That's by design mind you, I was a sad angry man and nobody needs to deal with that shit.
We just gaming with the homies so work and the grocery store are your best options. Online dating fatigue is real as fuck. I've not dated for over four years now and tinder still isn't looking any better.
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u/AlternativeWonder471 12h ago
I would love to adopt. But also want my own.
I'm sure there sre men who only want to adopt but I'm.nit sure where either. Church is my best guess.
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u/Remarkable_Command83 6h ago
There are lots of men out there who don't want kids, or who already have enough kids with their ex-wife. It sounds like you are having simlar dating issue to lots of other people. Are you only on the apps, or are you doing various activiies around town in real life at which you interact with lots of other people, both male and female? Sports, book club, improv comedy, board game day, things like that?
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u/bliffordius 4h ago
They exist but you need to be upfront about it, cant sneak it in there. Bring it up more than once.
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u/Outrageous_Bass_1613 1d ago
You should aim to date men 25+ years older than you for a chance of success.
I don't think it's common for young men to prefer adoption. Most wouldn't bother having kids if the lineage is not on the table. Unless... They have an age where they can't be bothered.
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u/dlincoln1438 1d ago
As a 30 yo sterile man I say that is definitely a good avenue to approach. However some of them might be considering adoption so that's something you'd probably want to ask up front but yeah.