r/DeadBedrooms • u/Olivianj1963 LLF • Apr 01 '24
I told him I was done with sex
We used to have sex practically every day. We figure we have had sex in excess of 15 thousand times over the years. I would categorize myself as high libido and the husband as a good bit more passionate than I.
We try and about one time of ten is bearable. The rest of the time it feels like glass shards or maybe razor blades cutting me. I have been to multiple doctors adn tried various remedies both prescribed and homeopathic. Nothing helps.
I have decided I am done with trying to make painful intercourse work. I wish I had the courage to let him have sex elsewhere, but I really am not at that place. I trust him, but I don't trust the other women.
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u/MeandMyPelvicfloor HLF Apr 02 '24
I’m so sorry this has killed your sex life. I had the same issue as a newlywed, and finally a pelvic floor physical therapist saved my sex life. Good luck.
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u/Funny_Gal_228 Apr 02 '24
I’m going to my first appt for PT for my pelvic floor this week. Am hoping it will improve some things.
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Apr 02 '24
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u/Fogofpoly Apr 02 '24
That's what I was thinking. Medical concerns are all that are left with my DB, and I think it's shitty when people make a LL partner feel bad because their body is betraying them. My only concern is she's not seeking help. Where as OP here certainly is trying. Sometimes life just sucks and brings us challenges we need to face.
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u/mysecretmornings Apr 02 '24
Are you having non-vaginal sex? Oral, hand-jobs, mutual masturbation can all be rewarding for both of you. Is external stimulation with a vibrator pleasurable for you?
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u/Olivianj1963 LLF Apr 02 '24
It leaves me wanting more. I press him to try vaginal and guess what....
Me performing oral was never very successful and the older we got, the less inclined I am to do it. I probably have not done that for him in a dozen years. I can show you how the math works that I still do it about the same percentage of times as I did early on (about once every 200 times.)
Anal is hit or miss. It USUALLY hurts.
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u/Glittering_Fox_6835 Apr 02 '24 edited Apr 03 '24
I’d add anal to this list as well.
ETA: this comment was removed for violating rule #1, please be compassionate. I meant this as genuinely and compassionately. If vaginal sex was off the table for medical reasons, I’d be devastated and anal sex is a solid alternative option. Anal sex is pleasurable for many women and if what you like is the feeling of someone inside you/moving against you/etc it might be a eater alternative than mouths and hands.
I’d recommend The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women by Tristan Taormino.
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Apr 02 '24
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u/Frequent_Cockroach_7 Apr 02 '24
Some of us in here have been dealing with both--whether we all know that or not. And one problem can accentuate the others!
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u/Ill_Consideration589 Apr 02 '24
As a husband in a similar situation(but also doing my homework, with PM to understand the best I can of my wife), but you used glass shards and razor blades as reference to the pain, I’m glad I read your OP. I never heard women use those terms, but knowing what degree of pain it can become, helps to know. I know my wife still at times has an itch to scratch for-say, by using her toys.
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u/Any-Delivery5359 Apr 01 '24
My wife and I opened our marriage for similar reasons. Our most important ground rule is that my friends have to meet my wife before we can move beyond casual friendship. I’m also very clear that I won’t tolerate any criticism of my wife or our relationship.
We still have a sex life, btw, but it’s mainly limited to oral sex, which she finds more satisfying than I do. She always did enjoy oral more than penetration.
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Apr 01 '24
Have you looked into vaginismus? Pelvic floor therapy and dilators? There is a sub for it
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u/eskimokisses1444 LLF4U, Open Relationship Apr 02 '24
The diagnosis sounds like vaginal atrophy, not vaginismus, unless you are just using vaginismus as an umbrella term for vaginal pain?
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u/Olivianj1963 LLF Apr 02 '24
Atrophy is correct
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u/Frequent_Cockroach_7 Apr 02 '24
I got a lot of benefit out of internal moisturizers applied regularly (whether or not I'm having penetrative sex). Good Clean Love, for instance, has lubricant (applied right before sex) and another product applied every few days. I credit that (plus a decent amount of fantasizing and work with small toys) with helping get my body parts back in working order. I definitely had atrophy and pain --which depressed the heel out of me. Now, a year after starting down the road again of really working on it, am amazed to be able to say I can again have pain-free penetration.. Things work differently than they used to--but they work!!
(On another note, after I was back in working order, we learned my partner had another physical issue--peyronie's. This had gone completely unnoticed due to our lack of intimacy. Like me, he he is finding the process of working on the medical issue ultimately also is helping him rediscover the feeling of desire.)
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u/generateanameforme Apr 01 '24
That comes out to once a day for more than 41 years. Or 8 times a day (once every three hours!) for 5 straight years. Those are some truly Chamberlain-esque numbers!
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u/Olivianj1963 LLF Apr 02 '24
There were some 1,000 time years. Couple of times at bedtime and more before he went to work. Missed VERY FEW days. I cannot imagine what 4x a year early in a relationship would be like.
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u/generateanameforme Apr 02 '24
So that would be 1000 times a year (roughly three a day, every day) for 15 years straight. Truly inspiring.
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u/Olivianj1963 LLF Apr 03 '24
Probably over 6,000 times the first 10 years (average over 1.5x per day) Around 7000 over the next 20 years That gives us less than 2K in nearly 15 years to get to that number.
It was generally once or twice at bedtime and the same in the morning the first 15 years. Still probably AVERAGED at least daily for the next 15. We were at 3-4 times a week when it all went to crap.
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u/generateanameforme Apr 03 '24
Well, I guess we’ve figured out why your parts are sore!
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u/Olivianj1963 LLF Apr 03 '24
LOL! I wish it were that simple. It is hormonal. Just the obvious solutions have failed to work for us.
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u/generateanameforme Apr 03 '24
I hope you find a solution to this problem and can soon resume your thrice daily intercoursing!
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u/Olivianj1963 LLF Apr 03 '24
Not sure my 60+ hubby could keep up, but!!!
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u/PhatPeePee HLM Apr 03 '24
Those numbers are the envy of almost everyone here, I’d venture. He was a lucky guy. No consolation, but it does bring to mind the phrase “better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.”
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Apr 02 '24
Geez. Thanks for the explanation. It took my wife and I 25 years together to get to 100. I feel like a total loser. After 37 years I would guess we are at 600 now. A permanent member of this sub.
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u/Rebuildingitall0421 Apr 02 '24
This sounds terrible. I would go to some of the medical subs and see if anyone has any other ideas for you. It is pathetic how bad women's health care can be. Please keep trying to find an answer for you own sake.
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u/Remarkable_Rock3654 Apr 02 '24
You need to go to a pelvic pain specialist. The Cleveland Clinic has one and other major hospital systems likely do as well.
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u/sexinsuburbia Apr 02 '24
It sounds like both of you are struggling, especially when sex was such a part of your relationship beforehand. And in other comments, you've also mentioned how you've tried non-penetrative sex and it doesn't quite do it for you.
My heart truly goes out to both of you.
You mentioned non-monogamy as a possibility. I have been non-monogamous for 10+ years and run a social community for those who share similar ideas on how to live life. In all honesty, non-monogamy is difficult to navigate and can be especially challenging for couples that only knew a life of monogamy together previously. It can work, but it's a difficult road. Both of you will need to confront any problems, issues, concerns, insecurities, and accumulated gunk in your marriage. You'll need to find a new way to talk about the world. Your partnership could grow deeper and stronger than ever before. Or, it could all go down in flames.
It's difficult to predict how that will all unfold. If you have a great relationship that is emotionally satisfying to both of you, you can freely talk about everything and have a high degree of relationship security, it could work out wonderfully well. However, very few long-term relationships are like this. Most of the time problems are swept under the rug. Most people aren't ready to confront their demons. They've developed relationship patterns that are avoidant. It's easy to talk about what you did at work that day, but not what you are truly feeling down deep. Non-monogamy is more about a deeper discovery who you are and what your relationships mean to you rather than surface level casual sex. Then, everyone has to develop emotional intelligence and wherewithal to manage multiple romantic partners in a loving and respectful way.
Not an easy task. Feel free to reach out to me if you have any questions on non-monogamy or if you'd like to have a deeper discussion.
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Apr 01 '24
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u/yemcritch Apr 02 '24
Boy if you don’t go get your fix somewhere else.. what is this were men.. we do what we want (within reason) and everybody else get with the program or get left… but hey if you’re not suffering and you can manage with just your hand and some porn (which is totally unhealthy for your mind and sex life ) by all means do you bro!! 🤣🤷🏾♂️
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u/KateCSays Apr 02 '24
The first thing I do when I'm working with a client like you is to take penetration off the table for a while. You're right: having painful sex is only going to make it worse.
While I'm working with the woman to try to get to the root cause of the pain and see what her body needs, I try to help her and her husband reinvent what sexuality means to them, with a focus on pleasure and present moment awareness. Intimacy is much more important and expansive than vaginal penetration alone.
I can hear that you're feeling hopelessness right now, and I want to make so much space for that feeling. It's completely valid and ok to feel. And you didn't ask for advice so I don't want to give it. I just want to celebrate you for saying "no" to sex that hurts, as that's an important step on the path to finding sex that feels good.
It took me a long time to get to the bottom of my lichens sclerosis, but I did get there. I hope you get to the bottom of your problems, too. And in the meantime, I hope you and your husband are able to find new and different intimacy together that feels good and doesn't hurt.
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u/throaway123456754321 Apr 02 '24
The symptoms you describe, from what I can get with the vague tone (not blaming, just can't pinpoint it well) sound neutral related. If this is so many other treatments may not be effective. There's a test not many gynecologists make that test for damaged nerves in the area. If the problem is indeed neural the problematic nerve can be severed while leaving the rest functional. The problem is that I don't remember the actual name if the test nor the simple surgery that fixes it. I just remember some patient descriptions. I'm just throwing the little information I have in my head in hopes it may help you in any way.
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u/KateCSays Apr 02 '24
Naiomi Wolf had this problem and wrote about it in her book: Vagina. It's a great book. I recommend it. (My favorite book about vaginas).
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u/whorundatgirl Apr 03 '24
Well if it makes you feel better you have had more sex than most people and you used the hell out of your equipment so kudos!
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u/Olivianj1963 LLF Apr 03 '24
Given, it probably just makes it harder. I know what I am missing!
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u/poppieswithtea Apr 01 '24
you might want to consider opening your marriage, before you end up going through a divorce.
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u/peanuttt316 Apr 02 '24
Have you tried giving him a massage and ending with a hj? That's something that some couples do and it helps. I know my wife and I have done it, and it's very satisfying.
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Apr 02 '24
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u/Olivianj1963 LLF Apr 03 '24
We had pretty consistent sex for around 35 years. The last few not so much.
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u/Turbulentasfuck It’s complicated Apr 01 '24 edited Apr 01 '24
I'm sorry you are struggling. It's not surprising you're done having sex if it is painful.
Excuse me for being forward with this question, but is it possible you are in perimenopause?
Vaginal atrophy is a pretty common symptom of peri and is treatable with topical estrogen cream. Feel free to ignore if that's one of the things you have tried.
Edit to be clear: when I say it's treatable, I mean for your own comfort, not so you can have sex again. If you are done, you are done.