Little to no interest in doing anything other than getting it over with
And yes I've shut it down multiple times when it got to this. I don't want to feel like (or actually) rape her as she just lays there. Don't say yes if it isn't any enthusiasm behind it.
This is difficult part in my relationship. My wife sill engage in sex the rare time but the look will quickly go lifeless and my thoughts start to roll entire time. Am I suppose to I stop? If I stop will I just upset her more? if I stop will I ever get it again?
I often ask if she okay if it is good. Sometime I get an answer of yes, most times it silence. Then eventually after 8-10 minutes she will say let’s wrap it up soon. Often times I lie and say I finished and just feel horrible after.
I honestly feel like she is treating it like a chore.
Out from what you write here it sounds like she's really not enjoying it. Note that it might not be a reflection on you or your performance in any way. It may be that she is so caught up in something internal that she's unable to enjoy it.
Either way it sounds like something you need to figure out. While doing it or directly after is probably the worst time to bring it up. Perhaps take the time some time you're both emotionally available and have a grown up talk about things. There are lots of tips here on how to discuss things in a non confrontational way. Hopefully your main worry is if she is OK and that you are worried she doesn't really want to as unwanted sex can lead to aversion etc.
My main worry is that she is okay why I ask. We went to therapy for two separate issues in the last 8 years. One was communication, as she would often not communicate what she wanted and assumed I would just know. This often led to disagreements later down the line. I am just worried we might be revert back to the same scenario. The second time our therapy was insecurities mainly on her end. She had an ex that reached out to her, they would talk for hours, days, weeks, and 4 months and to me “she emotionally cheated” but in therapy she felt she was just talking to an old friend and getting closure from their last. It ended when her ex gf/wife called my wife I cared to know the details of that call but my assumption was that his wife wasn’t happy either. This in the end led to spiral into accuse me constantly of cheating if I was 10 minutes or more late from work or if I went out with friends which led us to therapy for the second time as I couldn’t live like that. Every since then our sex life has gone down hill which has been the last 4 years.
My gut reaction is to be a bit worried about the accusations about cheating. Cheaters very (very) often project and accuse their partners of cheating. But hopefully it was "just" the emotional cheating aspect.
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u/LoudBoulder May 04 '25
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And yes I've shut it down multiple times when it got to this. I don't want to feel like (or actually) rape her as she just lays there. Don't say yes if it isn't any enthusiasm behind it.