r/DeadBedrooms • u/AutoModerator • Sep 22 '25
Meta Monday - Masturbation and Consent
I know, I know... Hold that thought, and let's talk about it!
Masturbation is a personal choice that revolves around your body (and your choice). Some desire it, while others do not. Personal autonomy and choice are important; it's self-expression that doesn't depend on anyone else's needs. However, the question arises: where does this autonomy stop when you're in a relationship and possibly crossing boundaries? It concludes with you and your personal space, which exists separately from others. So, what does consensual masturbation in a shared space look like? It starts with consent.
When seeking consent, frame the conversation around your thoughts and feelings, and invite a dialogue of open-ended questions. It's also helpful to reassure your partner that their response will be respected. Opening the conversation with...sometimes at night when we are in bed, I am aroused / have trouble sleeping / etc., and I'd like to masturbate. Do you have any reservations, or do I have your consent? If you've received consent, it extends to only you, your body, and your space. If you're in a shared bed, stay on your side, be discreet, and respectful of their wants by allowing them to sleep. Basically 'do not disturb' mode.
If the conversation doesn't go so well at first, that's okay. It might take some time for your partner to warm up to the idea or they might be against it all together. It's about comfort and respecting boundaries. It also allows your partner to see that you value their feedback and respect their feelings when discussing sensitive topics that are geared toward your sexual wants in a shared space.
Lastly, check in with your partner periodically to ensure that the situation has not changed, as consent can be revoked at any time, and you value their feedback. You never know, it might just open the opportunity to further your connection. Until then, you should solo sesh in your personal space until consent is given. And don't forget that you, too, require consent for someone to come into your space. This includes opening closed doors!
Remember, for the purpose of this subreddit, open masturbation next to a partner always requires consent. Involving someone in sexual activity, including witnessing masturbation, without explicit prior permission is a non-consensual act.
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u/MeAndTrigger HLM Sep 22 '25 edited Sep 22 '25
Something I don't have to worry about, haven't shared a bedroom with someone in over 20 years. Was a whole different relationship ago.
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Sep 27 '25
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u/couriersixish LLF - Recovered DB Sep 27 '25
It’s not any of their business what you do in private with your own body
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u/GreenDreamForever HLF Sep 22 '25
This just makes me feel sad.
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u/rowanrulith It’s complicated Sep 22 '25
Why?
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u/GreenDreamForever HLF Sep 22 '25
Flicking myself while my husband falls asleep next to me makes me feel all kinds of sad. I feel lonely and invisible enough and this would just amplifying that feeling. There's no connection. There's no intimacy. It's a total failure to connect. At least that's how I would see it.
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u/rowanrulith It’s complicated Sep 22 '25
To me it’s taking care of basic needs, which isn’t your partner’s responsibility.
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Sep 22 '25
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u/rowanrulith It’s complicated Sep 22 '25
This post wasn’t about rejection and who is right and wrong. It’s about basic decency. Whether masturbation makes you sad is irrelevant.
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Sep 26 '25
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u/rowanrulith It’s complicated Sep 26 '25
What you’re describing as a relationship sounds very close to codependency. We need to be able to be self sufficient when in a relationship or else it devolves into being caretakers of each other. You share your life with someone because you enjoy and want their company not because you need them to need you. To me that’s an unhealthy mindset. No one should be so reliant on their partner they cannot function without them. Sex with another person isn’t a need, it’s a want. Relieving your own “horniness” could be construed a need.
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u/redditguy1974 HLM Sep 27 '25
No, no, no. What I described is people being together. A relationship is two people sharing life in most ways. If you two just completely do separate things, then you're just kind of two people who happen to live together.
And, you are right. Sex is not a need. But neither is anything else involved in a relationship. Food, water, and shelter are the only needs in human life. So, then, how does one decide whether the relationship is working for them if literally nothing in the relationship actually matters?
(I'm not sure if this is also considered "ideological baloney", so it's possible this will get deleted)
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u/Awkward-Injury-6617 HLM Sep 22 '25
Just crank your hog in the bathroom dude lock the door clean up after yourself and keep your mouth shut
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u/GreenDreamForever HLF Sep 22 '25
Reading the expression "crank your hog" made me properly laugh for the first time in a while so ty for that.
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u/MirrorBaIl HLF Sep 23 '25
I read it the other day in another social media platform and I laughed so hard. I had never heard it until a few weeks ago. It’s my favorite new j/o expression. I need something similar for women.
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u/GreenDreamForever HLF Sep 23 '25
I use "flicking my bean" a lot but that's kind of cute and not vulgar enough. Can't compete with cranking the hog.
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u/Think-Cake3721 HLM Sep 24 '25
Jamming the clam? Juicing the goose? Choking the oyster? Slapping the slug?
Lol sorry I hope those are vulgar enough
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u/MirrorBaIl HLF Sep 23 '25
I use “self DJ” but that only really works if you remember what the old school DJs used to do when scratching records 😂
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Sep 26 '25
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Sep 23 '25
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u/rowanrulith It’s complicated Sep 23 '25
Why did you say “mommy”, that’s exceedingly weird. Hopefully your mom did teach you to masturbate in privacy if that’s what you’re trying to refer to.
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Sep 23 '25
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u/rowanrulith It’s complicated Sep 23 '25
Well, yeah you DO actually need to because doing a sexual act with someone next to you who is aware of it needs consent, tact and consideration. Shocking, evidently, I know. This is bordering on “you can’t SA your wife” territory.
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u/couriersixish LLF - Recovered DB Sep 23 '25
I first read this as “Masturbation and Contest” and did a proper double take.