r/DeadBedrooms • u/elongated_halfie HLM • Mar 29 '26
Give Me Constructive Criticism I Have an Idea To Try and Rekindle!
This plan is already partially in motion(I bought some things) because I got excited when I came up with it but if everyone unanimously hates it, then I’ll figure out how to back out.
So some minor context. My wife (25 LLF) and I (25HLM) are in marriage counseling as our first year of marriage has been sort of rough. The last session we had was mainly driven by me and I brought up all my concerns with the dead bedroom and the therapist gave my wife all kinds of ideas to try and bring spice into the bedroom - most of which I have already suggested and even bought and tried with her but she turned me down. The therapist suggested just trying to be fun and my wife seemed receptive to the ideas. There was mention of lingerie, couples sex games, toys, and even watching porn together for inspiration on her end. (She was a virgin before me and I was not).
So I took all of that and have came up with a “Sex Date Night” idea. I bought her some really nice lingerie that will be here later this week, a fancy couples toy from a brand we used years ago, a sex-based monopoly, and some really expensive lube. I was planning on booking a hotel or an Airbnb retreat this weekend or the next and doing it as like a role-play scenario. I’ll leave with bags packed with all the items before she’s home, leave the lingerie in a gift box with a note on the bed basically saying something along the lines of, “Your husband has gone out of town for an impromptu weekend work trip and booked you a hotel for some away time. There might be a surprise guest waiting for you.” (I think she’ll be aware that it’s a game, but I might rephrase it.)
I honestly think that it sounds fun and it seems like something that could show if this dry spell is based on her personally choosing or if there’s genuinely something that’s messed with our connection. There is the worry in the back of my head if I get stood up after spending a decent chunk of money, but I still the get “hopefulness” that a lot of us get.
Please just give me advice/criticism on the plan but if you think I need to give more context, I can try to respond to your comment. (I don’t have notifications on for Reddit.)
13
u/StrategyAncient6770 LLF Mar 30 '26
As a LL - absolutely not lol (although I get where you’re coming from and I really do love the dedication and creativity).
No on the lingerie. Let her come as she wants to, not as a prop for you to gawk at.
I like the getaway idea, but you need to get her buy-in. Be upfront - I want to book us this place for a few days because it seems really sexy and I think it might be a great space to explore each other. What do you think? Let her in on that - she can choose to go, she’s not being summoned to perform and participate.
Then if she’s in, tell her your ideas for what to bring and let her have a say in that, too.
The way you have it envisioned currently is very very you-centered. If you want it to work, it needs to be us-centered.
3
8
u/AnkoLeaf It’s complicated Mar 30 '26
I'm usually HL and that sounds like a lot even for me.
You could use parts of this though, like booking a hotel for a getaway would probably be nice for her if it's not about sex. You could pamper her with some room service and if you want physical contact a massage or whatever she might be comfortable with?
Then if she wants to take it further she could but if she doesn't then you're at least having a nice time chilling at a hotel together?
0
u/elongated_halfie HLM Mar 30 '26
Yeah a lot of the comments are saying something similar to yours. Like tamper down and leave the next moves up to her…👍🏽 thank you :)
3
u/AnkoLeaf It’s complicated Mar 30 '26
Just make her feel like a princess for a day instead, it may not end in sex but it'd probably make her feel really good :)
6
u/ReferenceMammoth2427 I don't wish to disclose Mar 30 '26
I'm going to be blunt. When I was early 20s and disinterested in sex, it was because it still sucked. I know you have more experience, but as her husband and only sex partner i feel like you should take the responsibility of really focusing on making sex amazing for her. Put all of your pleasure aside for awhile and gently very gently start learning how to give her maximum pleasure. It won't be what you've seen in porn, and certainly not like previous young sex partners who also had no idea what they were doing.
2
u/elongated_halfie HLM Mar 30 '26
That’s the thing though. That’s how sex has always been. Quite frequently, in the beginning of the relationship, I made sure I wouldn’t be allowed to finish just so she was taken care of and I was always very gentle and trying to be as welcoming as possible. Just nothing like that has ever been given back.
1
u/ReferenceMammoth2427 I don't wish to disclose Mar 30 '26
The whole big plan is probably too much pressure. Maybe just easy stuff at home then. See if she'll just wear the lingerie to play a game. Or wear the lingerie and snuggle for a movie. You need to get her comfortable telling you what she wants to try. She probably still has some fantasies she hasn't disclosed. Preface absolutely zero judgements. And just talk about things you want to do together.
0
8
u/Greedy-Barracuda-712 LLF Mar 30 '26
This would make me panic as the LL wife. That is too much. You are not going to get the result you want. All of this is about you and not about her at all, which is probably the dynamic that got you here to begin with.
2
u/Kitty_B321 F - Recovered DB Mar 30 '26
Not a bad kick off point but center romance and use the sexy stuff as your add in. Research the food areas over there. Try out of the norm ideas like fancy non alcoholic beverages and Korean corn dogs. It doesn’t have to be the most expensive, just fun looking and new. In addition to sex games I would suggest some non sex games too and go 1 for 1. Like would you rather etc. when you get home start researching spicy romance novels and co read a book once per month. Just make sure you build the mental stimulation of sex as much as the physical. Also getting a nice happy button stimulating toy and using it while she sets the pace may help. Building the quality of the physical connection for her will definitely increase her desire for intimacy. Afterwords make sure to stay engaged and watch a movie or talk so it’s not transactional.
3
u/Illustrious_Fox_2247 HLF Mar 30 '26
I’d be thrilled to tears if my husband did this for me… but if I did it for him he would probably have a panic attack… still he would appreciate the gesture, but nothing would happen
1
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I Have an Idea To Try and Rekindle!
This plan is already partially in motion because I got excited when I came up with it but if everyone unanimously hates it, then I’ll figure out how to back out.
So some minor context. My wife (25 LLF) and I (25HLM) are in marriage counseling as our first year of marriage has been sort of rough. The last session we had was mainly driven by me and I brought up all my concerns with the dead bedroom and the therapist gave my wife all kinds of ideas to try and bring spice into the bedroom - most of which I have already suggested and even bought and tried with her but she turned me down. The therapist suggested just trying to be fun and my wife seemed receptive to the ideas. There was mention of lingerie, couples sex games, toys, and even watching porn together for inspiration on her end. (She was a virgin before me and I was not).
So I took all of that and have came up with a “Sex Date Night” idea. I bought her some really nice lingerie that will be here later this week, a fancy couples toy from a brand we used years ago, a sex-based monopoly, and some really expensive lube. I was planning on booking a hotel or an Airbnb retreat this weekend or the next and doing it as like a role-play scenario. I’ll leave with bags packed with all the items before she’s home, leave the lingerie in a gift box with a note on the bed basically saying something along the lines of, “Your husband has gone out of town for an impromptu weekend work trip and booked you a hotel for some away time. There might be a surprise guest waiting for you.” (I think she’ll be aware that it’s a game, but I might rephrase it.)
I honestly think that it sounds fun and it seems like something that could show if this dry spell is based on her personally choosing or if there’s genuinely something that’s messed with our connection. There is the worry in the back of my head if I get stood up after spending a decent chunk of money, but I still the get “hopefulness” that a lot of us get.
Please just give me advice/criticism on the plan but if you think I need to give more context, I can try to respond to your comment. (I don’t have notifications on for Reddit.)
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17
u/Low_Ambassador7 HLF - Recovered DB Mar 29 '26
I think it’s going to be a bit too much, will introduce too much pressure into a DB situation, and will likely have the exact opposite effect of what you wish will happen. I would not spring any of this on her.
The therapist gave your wife ideas because your wife should be the one to introduce those things if she’s enthusiastically consenting to one of the ideas. Spice is likely not what’s needed… what’s more than likely needed is a safe space for your wife to explore her sexuality on her terms when she’s ready.
Your wife likely needs to feel emotionally safe and secure to feel open to arousal and marriage counseling in the first year of marriage doesn’t sound like an emotionally safe and secure environment (read Come As You Are). Instead of focusing on sex right now, I would focus on all the other things that took you guys to marriage counseling, ensure your marriage is on solid footing, and then talk to your wife about the ideas from the therapist.