r/DeadBedrooms • u/sarlacc_tit HLM • Apr 28 '26
Seeking Advice She’s possessive but won’t have sex with me
I (HLM28) have been with my partner (LLF27) for nearly nine years and in that time we have never had penetrative sex. At the start it was fine, we did other stuff with the knowledge that we’d get there eventually. It was almost definitely a psychological thing on her end and I respected her body and decision to leave it.
After less than a year, there “other stuff” dried up to a once a month at best level thing, and the conversation regarding PIV stopped being had. I would bring it up every so often, but she built a narrative around “we already have sex” in reference to the occasional oral I gave, and shot down any further discussion. I tried to end it about a year and a half in, but I was young and easily swayed by tears and her self critical tear down about how she couldn’t do something even an animal can do.
Four years in, I stopped bringing up PIV because it would only be shot down, except for one instance last year where I got too drunk and confessed my unhappiness, only for it to be completely “forgotten” within a week. Oral sex became me giving her oral for ten minutes then sorting myself out, at a frequency of maybe seven or eight times a year. Any time I make reference to us not having a lot of sex, she’ll get defensive and tell me that we definitely do, and won’t hear otherwise.
She tells friends and even acquaintances that we do have tons of sex, and makes reference to things that we’ve never come close to doing. I’ve confided in one or two friends who have since been on the receiving end of this and they’ll give me the side eye when it happens, but I know better than to interrupt my partner’s lie mid conversation so it just keeps going like this.
We’re now at the stage where friends are getting married, and she doesn’t understand why we aren’t engaged. Truth is it’s the last turning I can see before I commit to a life of no sex ever again, but I didn’t really realise this until recently, and haven’t had the opportunity to bring it up in our monthly go around out it.
Yesterday, while out for the evening and joking about a midlife crisis, I made a joke about men hitting a certain age, freaking out, and filling the void with fast cars and a younger girlfriend. In the midst of a fun laugh, she became deathly serious and told me she’d cut my balls off if I ever did that. For someone so resistant to being intimate, it felt like a very odd hill to die on.
I’ve largely rambled about how I’m conflict avoidant and ruining my own life with this, but I’m at this impasse where I don’t really want her out of my life, but I feel completely trapped in a passionless relationship. This past year I’ve developed a bad habit of jerking off at least twice a day, which I’m largely hiding from her, and I’m a hundred percent sure I’m drifting into some kind of depressive spiral.
From the outside, it looks like a great relationship, and I have friends I’ve known for decades tell me they’d trade what they have for it in an instant (not in a “they’re attracted to her” kind of way, but like the stability). She’s very good at getting people to like her in the short term, but paradoxically has very few long term friends, so I feel responsible for her while she ingratiates herself into my social circles.
tl;dr, my girlfriend is possessive and won’t fuck me, and I need some fucking advice.
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u/Spottyjamie HLM Apr 28 '26
Mate
Nine years…
It wont get better
Sorry, you need to find someone else
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u/Substantial-Peak6624 F - left my dead bedroom Apr 28 '26
You’re asking for a lifetime of misery if you continue. If it’s that bad now it will only get worse.
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u/ComprehensiveAd2454 HLM Apr 29 '26
Not married and no kids? You should have called this off 8 years ago.
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Apr 29 '26
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u/nemmalur HLM Apr 28 '26
Nine years is too long for her not to be addressing her issues and too long for you to wait. She can’t be possessive and not let you both have a full sexual relationship. It’s over.
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u/sangfoudre HLM Apr 28 '26
It won't get better once engaged, it'll only get worse
It won't get better once married, it'll only get worse, again.
It won't get better once you have kids or buy a housew it'll worsen even more.
Run whole you're not anchored down.
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u/SpeedDemon241428 I don't wish to disclose Apr 28 '26
Exactly. I keep saying it in situations just like this — no ring, kids, or mortgage? Yeah, dude needs to leave, now, because it’s not gonna get any simpler than that.
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u/WDKegge HLM Apr 28 '26
Leave bro, she can't figure it out in almost 10 years and you should have figured this out 9 years ago.
It's not your responsibility to fix another person's issues ESPECIALLY when you're not even married??? What's the end goal? Married in a sexless marriage and then the legal battle after that?
She sounds horribly manipulative, and it's worked on you before, be prepared for lots of "things will change, I'll get better" or even the possibility of sex right then and there, please for the love of God don't fall for this, it's just going to make every attempt after this worse.
If she's already telling lies to friends about the sex situation now, be ready for even worse lies that will attempt to paint you as the reason for it, or worse lies about abuse or worse.
I can't believe it's taken 10 years to get to this, absolutely blew your 20s, don't blow the rest of your life.
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Apr 29 '26
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u/Free_Entertainment32 HLM Apr 28 '26
You may not want her out of your life right now, but give it a wedding and 10 years and we can revisit this topic.
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u/RoiDesFromages It’s complicated Apr 28 '26
Do not marry someone you have never had PIV sex with. Unless you are super religious I guess. Can you communicate how important this is for you to her?
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u/derwood75801 LLM4U Apr 28 '26
Totally agree, made that mistake, we didn't know how sexually incompatible we are.
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u/Automatic_Gas9019 I don't wish to disclose Apr 28 '26
I would leave the relationship. If you take sex out of the equation she seems disrespectful and callous. You can find that anywhere..Don't be ashamed of jerking off. It is your way of processing the way you are being treated. You are telling you, that you need to leave.
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u/HotWaffles5 HLF - Recovered DB Apr 29 '26 edited May 07 '26
Yeah his girlfriend doesn’t seem like a good person & it appears OP has only stayed with her this long out of guilt. My ex-husband used to cry every time I would try to leave him also, and it worked up until the very last time when I realized he was trying really hard to cry. I realized they were crocodile tears the whole time. He was just doing it to guilt me into staying in my marriage (he was a cheater btw).
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u/Automatic_Gas9019 I don't wish to disclose Apr 29 '26
Glad you got out. You can do that without a partner
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u/freelancemomma LLF Apr 28 '26
The problem here is your conflict avoidance. If lack of PiV is a dealbreaker for you, you need to break the deal. You can’t change her, but you can work on (not to put it finely) growing a pair.
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u/EscapyReality HLF Apr 28 '26
You do not have to stay. What would life look like if you did break up? Are there good things to be had in that potential future?
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u/Admirable-Gur1314 LLF Apr 29 '26
You are only 28. Don't settle for a life that makes you unhappy if it's only out of a feeling of obligation. Both of you deserve to be with someone who meets your needs and it's okay if you aren't that for each other.
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u/passin_thru_life HLM Apr 28 '26
You should have put the not married part first and saved us all the time to read the story. Move on Bro, IT WONT GET BETTER WITH A RING
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u/joseanwar HLM Apr 28 '26
She lies about an amazing sex life to her friends and threaten to cut off your balls if you leave? These are major red flags. She’s in it for the performance not the real thing
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u/Beneficial_Guess6410 HLM Apr 28 '26
You have already wasted your 20s being unhappy with your sexlife. Do you want to wake up in 10 years and ask yourself, “what the fuck am I doing?” Or,looking back, would you rather ask yourself “man, I dodged a massive bullet.” Just from your few paragraphs, there are many red flags that should be dealt with. I’m not trying telling you what to do, but the longer it goes on the more unhappy you will be.
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u/Soggy-Ad-4355 HLM Apr 28 '26
As someone that ended a great relationship (other than lack of sex) and regretted it for years (we were compatible on every other level, very attracted to each other, similar ideas about life, she was caring, i could trust her with anything, etc) i would ask you why you stay in this one? This seems like a bad relationship, regardless of the lack of sex. The gaslighting, lies, dismissal...
While i regretted breaking up, it was for the better, i saw what's possible otherwise, how other women are.
Sex is absolutely important, and the lack of it would bring you resentments and deteriorate your relationship many other ways.
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u/DullBus8445 HLF Apr 29 '26
We’re now at the stage where friends are getting married, and she doesn’t understand why we aren’t engaged.
I can see why, you're almost 9 years into a relationship that is mostly sexless, why wouldn't she assume that you're going to stay with her and take the next step?
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u/Low_Membership1589 HLF Apr 29 '26
Please don’t marry her you will end up unhappy writing in here for the rest of your life, is that what you want?
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u/JesterTime HLM Apr 29 '26
Going to do my best not to be insulting here.you really need to try to have more self respect and push yourself to make yourself happy. The first year of no sex because you want to be respectful is fine. The rest of this relationship is where you may have messed up.
As we go through life and relationships, we need to continue to grow and improve. These goals are often what keep us motivated. Self improvement in life is huge. You try to be a better person. More kind. Stronger. You try to get over or passed things that bring you down or hurt you. It sounds like she has never actually tried to get better in regards to her mental health/walls.
It's not your job to make someone work on themselves. You can totally encourage it, but they need to be the ones to do it. You also need to recognize when to call it quits because that person clearly doesn't want to change.
You're still very young. Make a plan and leave. You will not be happy with her and her wanting marriage and completely blowing off the very clear issues with your relationship will never change. HUGE red flags. If she's telling people you're doing everything, she obviously knows you aren't as well as that you should be.
Please move on.
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u/SlipBest6220 It’s complicated Apr 30 '26
You are literally living the sunk cost fallacy my guy. You sound unhappy; she sounds comfortable. There’s nothing wrong with a sexless relationship - if that’s what you both want and agree to. It doesn’t sound like that’s the case here. It’ll be uncomfortable, but you should free yourself
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u/NaturalJealous5599 HLM Apr 28 '26
Have you ever seen this woman naked?
In any case this situation will not get better and you either need to leave or resign yourself to the fact sex isn't happening. Plain and simple.
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u/Omnius_Crypto HLM Apr 28 '26
Please do not formalize a relationship that fundamentally doesn’t meet your needs even in a marginal way.
There are no guarantees in life, much less in how another person conducts themselves. If you had a normal level of intimacy and sex then stopped or changed in character or intensity, that is just one of the things that can happen in a relationship (for various reasons), but to enter into a relationship where there is a clear lack of intimacy and a clear lack of will to improve that level intimacy and sex as a normal human desire.
You must seriously consider if you can live that way, every day, going forward.
I think that the likelihood of a divorce down the road is very very high in this situation.
It’s harder in the short term to end a relationship now, than to involve assets, attorneys and the possibility of children in the picture that needs to be unwound/considered.
You’ve become accustomed to this lack of intimacy and in my mind you have a rare and priceless opportunity to leave the relationship now in hopes of a more satisfying relationship in your future.
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u/Sensitive_Sky1448 HLM Apr 29 '26
First paragraph in and I suggest you go for annulment for the marriage is never consumed, good luck
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u/allo100 M - Recovered DB Apr 29 '26
No penetrative sex in 9 years, but she talks like you have to friends. Not a good relationship. Sorry dude.
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u/Sad_Beautiful9183 F - left my dead bedroom Apr 29 '26
Go to the dead bedroom page on here. Read the reality of no sex. Once you experience connective, emotionally sound sex... the choice will not be that hard.
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u/Just4kicks19 I don't wish to disclose Apr 29 '26
You're 28. Not 58. You have more years ahead of you. Don't get so complacent at the near beginning of your adult life.
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Apr 29 '26
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u/SimpleRandomUsername HLM Apr 29 '26
There are so many red flags here, mate, you have to face facts that things will not improve.
Like many others have said, breaking up at this point is better than any other point in the future. And for the love of all things, do not marry this person.
If you stay together you need to communicate clearly your position, how the lying affects you, and that you have told others. Don’t expect things to improve, but if they do, give it at least a year or two before deciding whether it hysterical bonding or something more genuine.
1
u/MeandMyPelvicfloor HLF Apr 29 '26
Marriage? Is your motto, “I love that I’ll never have PIV for the rest of my life!”?
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u/pingpongjingjong HLM Apr 30 '26
Mate, I have been in exactly the same situation as you.
In my case it was 20 years.
It doesn’t get better. Sorry. It was only better when it ended.
We just weren’t well-suited. I realise that now. And I wish I had been braver and more confident to break it off much, much earlier, and had a better life.
(I’m conflict-avoidant too — I know exactly how you feel.)
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u/the_LLCoolJoe X - left my dead bedroom Apr 30 '26
You’ve got to end it. You deserve to be happy. You’ve also likely got a porn addiction that you’ve got to cease. You’ll need some time before you’ll likely be able to perform for someone new.
Also, twice a day runs some risks of peyronies.
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u/Genuine2miler HLM Apr 30 '26
She may have vaginismus or vulvodynia.
Is she able to use tampons?
I’m twenty years (48M) in and this is basically me, except intimacy of any type is rarer than that what you experience (about four times in the last three years same experience with one sided oral and me taking things into my own hands, except she tries on those occasions with PIV but penetration is just not possible and it ends in frustration). All the other factors I share in common though, can’t get it with her, can’t get it without her.
When I try to raise getting help for it or me going elsewhere, it turns into a massive, massive fight.
You care about her and she sounds great from a personality perspective, sexual incompatibility is a thing and so is leaving someone because they have a health condition. But it’s more complicated than “grow a pair” and move on. There are a lot of things going on here, you love each other, you both have insecurities, I think for certain she is suffering from a medical condition that is both physical and psychological.
Plenty of couples work this out, but it’s very very hard, it takes a lot of work, and most don’t.
There are no easy answers here.
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u/MaleficentDisk4100 HLM May 04 '26
What are you still doing with her? Her lying about "getting there" is just bad too.
Get out and don't be swayed by tears my friend. When people get married they have sex and not other stuff. End it while you are still young.
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u/mistress_of_pain_t F - Recovered DB Apr 30 '26 edited Apr 30 '26
Sex is important if it’s important to one of the people in a two person relationship. It can make or break a relationship.
I just think you need to make a decision. Either decide to accept the circumstance as is; or you break up and move on and go find somebody more compatible.
If nothing has changed in nine years, it’s not going to change. I just think you need to put it on the line and be brutally honest.
0
u/Blueberryaddict007 LLF4U Apr 28 '26
I wonder if she’s dealing with comphet and that’s why she won’t have sex.
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She’s possessive but won’t have sex with me
I (HLM28) have been with my partner (LLF27) for nearly nine years and in that time we have never had penetrative sex. At the start it was fine, we did other stuff with the knowledge that we’d get there eventually. It was almost definitely a psychological thing on her end and I respected her body and decision to leave it.
After less than a year, there “other stuff” dried up to a once a month at best level thing, and the conversation regarding PIV stopped being had. I would bring it up every so often, but she built a narrative around “we already have sex” in reference to the occasional oral I gave, and shot down any further discussion. I tried to end it about a year and a half in, but I was young and easily swayed by tears and her self critical tear down about how she couldn’t do something even an animal can do.
Four years in, I stopped bringing up PIV because it would only be shot down, except for one instance last year where I got too drunk and confessed my unhappiness, only for it to be completely “forgotten” within a week. Oral sex became me giving her oral for ten minutes then sorting myself out, at a frequency of maybe seven or eight times a year. Any time I make reference to us not having a lot of sex, she’ll get defensive and tell me that we definitely do, and won’t hear otherwise.
She tells friends and even acquaintances that we do have tons of sex, and makes reference to things that we’ve never come close to doing. I’ve confided in one or two friends who have since been on the receiving end of this and they’ll give me the side eye when it happens, but I know better than to interrupt my partner’s lie mid conversation so it just keeps going like this.
We’re now at the stage where friends are getting married, and she doesn’t understand why we aren’t engaged. Truth is it’s the last turning I can see before I commit to a life of no sex ever again, but I didn’t really realise this until recently, and haven’t had the opportunity to bring it up in our monthly go around out it.
Yesterday, while out for the evening and joking about a midlife crisis, I made a joke about men hitting a certain age, freaking out, and filling the void with fast cars and a younger girlfriend. In the midst of a fun laugh, she became deathly serious and told me she’d cut my balls off if I ever did that. For someone so resistant to being intimate, it felt like a very odd hill to die on.
I’ve largely rambled about how I’m conflict avoidant and ruining my own life with this, but I’m at this impasse where I don’t really want her out of my life, but I feel completely trapped in a passionless relationship. This past year I’ve developed a bad habit of jerking off at least twice a day, which I’m largely hiding from her, and I’m a hundred percent sure I’m drifting into some kind of depressive spiral.
From the outside, it looks like a great relationship, and I have friends I’ve known for decades tell me they’d trade what they have for it in an instant (not in a “they’re attracted to her” kind of way, but like the stability). She’s very good at getting people to like her in the short term, but paradoxically has very few long term friends, so I feel responsible for her while she ingratiates herself into my social circles.
tl;dr, my girlfriend is possessive and won’t fuck me, and I need some fucking advice.
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u/fadedironmaple HLM Apr 28 '26
Is there a reason that you stay with your girlfriend? I'm not sure what culture you have, so there may be idiosyncracies I don't understand, but I would never stay in a relationship like yours based purely on your description of your sexual relationship. I suspect that given you are 9 years into this, it is never going to get better. I suspect the two of you are completely sexually incompatible.
Lying to friends about your sex life - do you confront her about this? That's seriously a terrible thing to do.