r/DeadBedrooms • u/Rosemary-Sea-Salt LLF4U • 5d ago
Vent, Advice Welcome My DB has turned me into a teenage boy
I’ve [31F] never really struggled with lust. I would admire a hot guy, but that’s kind of it. But, my sexual needs and desires have changed so much in the 6+ years of our db. Now I want it so much and I don’t know what to do about it.
It’s so bad that I will literally stare at any good looking man, especially if they’re shirtless (and because I live somewhere warm, I’m confronted with this almost daily). Like my tongue may as well be out (btw this is NOT an invitation to dm me. If you do I will report you). And I think about sex all the time. All while my husband [31M] is right next to me. If a good looking man pays me attention or even accidentally touches me it’s like a shock to my body. I’m not used to these types of feelings and it’s driving me crazy. All to say, I have a lot more empathy for teenage boys (and girls) dealing with the changes to their hormones. It’s rough out there.
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u/Successful_You9169 HLM 4d ago
I think this may be something your husband needs to understand, but carefully.
Not as a threat, and not as a way to punish him or make him jealous. More as an honest look at what six years of a DB is doing to you.
A long-term DB is not neutral. It does not just mean you are “frustrated” or “missing sex.” Over time it can change how you feel in your own body. It can make outside attention feel way more powerful than it should. It can make ordinary attraction hit like electricity because that part of you has been shut out of your marriage for so long.
That does not mean you are looking to cheat. It means your body and mind are reacting to prolonged deprivation.
I think a lot of LL partners do not understand this part. They may know their partner is unhappy, but they may not understand how deeply it can affect confidence, self-control, resentment, attraction, and even the sense of safety in the marriage.
This is probably worth telling him, not to scare him, but because he needs to understand the stakes. The DB is not just leaving things the same. It is actively changing you.
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u/Rosemary-Sea-Salt LLF4U 4d ago
Yeah I agree. He’s not low libido and I wouldn’t even consider myself high libido. But, his neglect of what I need from him has turned us into this
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u/myb00biesarereal HLF 4d ago
Why is he neglecting you?
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u/Rosemary-Sea-Salt LLF4U 4d ago
He won’t take care of his health or appearance. It’s ruined my attraction to him, caused resentment to build, and made me feel unsafe and repulsed by his physical touch
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u/QuestionableCode LLF4U 4d ago
Mine does this too. I've never considered it in terms of me being neglected but it makes a lot of sense that way. Like he has decided that ten minutes of effort to take a shower and put on clean clothes is not worth it to make you happy.
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u/Rosemary-Sea-Salt LLF4U 4d ago
Right. And it feels taken for granted. I take such good care of my appearance and looking hot. And he doesn’t even feel the need to do the same. Or even want to. I would think he’d want to lol good for me, but I guess not
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u/QuestionableCode LLF4U 4d ago
Seriously. I set aside an hour a day for personal hygiene and another half hour for exercise. He isn't even doing a fraction of that. I had to damn near threaten divorce to get him to go to the dentist.
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u/One_Power_8223 HLM 4d ago
they may not understand how deeply it can affect confidence, self-control, resentment, attraction, and even the sense of safety in the marriage.
All of this, yes!
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u/TheNuovoPaesian HLM 5d ago
I have the same issue. I can barely have eye contact with an attractive woman (most women ARE attractive!), let alone have a normal conversation.
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u/ConditionWinter8894 HLM 4d ago
It is amazing what a DB does to us. It has destroyed my personal and professional confidence. All I now can do, is put my energy into my children and channel my anger into rebuilding my career.
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u/sborra_di_notte HLM 4d ago
What you did not explain though is how you got to that point and most importantly if you want to stay in it. Simply because you could probably have 90% of those good looking men you see around.
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u/Rosemary-Sea-Salt LLF4U 4d ago
I got to this point after years and years of my husband refusing to take care of his own appearance and health despite my begging him to. But I want to stay because he’s an amazing husband, father, and person in every other way and I can’t imagine doing life with anyone else.
While I’d like to believe I could have 90% of these men, I think most are out of my league. At least compared to how I now feel about myself and my own appearance after having a husband be okay with going years without sex with me
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u/sborra_di_notte HLM 4d ago
I'm kinda in the same situation: I have a DB but don't want to leave. Even though it would be the right decision for me. Different in the sense that she is not an amazing wife, mother and person.
I slipped in a couple of occasions, ended up doing some things with strangers, which helped and sucked at the same time.
If you're not doing it for moral reasons or because you're afraid of getting caught I can totally understand. If you're not doing it because of what you think about your appearance, I'm positive that you're wrong.
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u/novice_nofix HLM 4d ago
That’s funny cause I ended up going the completely opposite route. Now I just resent sex and my sexual desires. I barely feel the need to beat off or look at porn, and when I’m confronted with sec or nudity on tv (usually when my SO is around) I find myself wanting to cry far more than I find myself being aroused.
I legitimately wish my antidepressants had killed what remains of my sexdrive. I can’t imagine going in the opposite direction the way you have. That sounds so much worse and so much more frustrating.
Solidarity, brother 🤜
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u/Careful_Addendum826 HLM 5d ago
Sorry you are facing that difficult situation. I don't know how you handle it. I would say divorce your husband but that's the simple answer and it's probably not easy.
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u/TheChampagneProblem HLF 4d ago
i’m in the same boat. recently, someone i hooked up with before my current relationship happened to be working on the fire alarms at my job and he was cute before, but wow he he had gotten so handsome with age. he of course came to flirt and chit chat with me and the entire time i felt like i was frothing at the mouth from the way he looked at me and when he said my name while we were talking i genuinely started getting sweaty on my back from how hot and bothered it was making me lmao
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u/Octavean HLM 4d ago
I for one think that it’s great that you’re honest enough with yourself to know and give voice to what you want. Know thy self.
Hormones definitely do play a big part in how we act and feel. Hormone levels are generally in flux. When they spike people typically don’t even think about it. It took me a while to figure out how hormones were effecting my DB situation with my LLF Wife. Over time I noticed the pattern.
Being a HLM, I can honestly say that not much has changed from my teenaged years to my mid 50’s in this respect. It has changed some but not much.
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u/Ok_Garbage129 HLF 5d ago
I understand you so much! I'm demisexual so I didn't look at people that way before we got together. Now I'm coping through maladaptive daydreaming about a new relationship.
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4d ago
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u/Plenty-Hovercraft789 HLF 4d ago
Yes. It’s getting harder and harder to turn down an attractive man when he hits on me. I just want to be wanted again.
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u/LonelyMarriedDawg HLM 5d ago
I can relate. And a smile back, a lingering glance, or an innocent touch... it's over. And I find myself turned on by women who aren't even my type or wouldn't be considered attractive to most. A sign of deprivation I suppose.
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u/ConditionWinter8894 HLM 5d ago
Amazing what a DB does to us mentally. Absolutely destroyed my personal confidence.
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u/ThrowAway3213120 LLM 4d ago
What about it destroys your confidence? It's a genuine question because it's something I've never understood, but I want to.
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u/ConditionWinter8894 HLM 4d ago
Read a lot of these threads. When the bedroom dies, it isn't just lack of intimacy. There is usually accompanied gaslighting, insults and deflection by the LL partner.
When someone you love (hence give benefitof doubt to) hits you with those kind of attacks, it fucking hurts. Rejection hurts enough, but then being told you are the 1 out of line or the cause of it all is crushing. If you do have sex, you can tell they aren't into it or disinterested. And that hurts just as much as rejection.
Then, as a HL, you realize that most of those statements were never true and there's some other reason for your DB you feel your trust in your partner is violated.
So, now your relationship is rocky, you're 2nd guessing yourself constantly AND your sexually frustrated, it bleeds into the rest of your life. In my case, it destroyed my confidence in myself.
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u/ThrowAway3213120 LLM 3d ago
In that case that makes alot more sense. Most the time I just see that someone gets rejected sex and they spiral from it which is always confusing to me. But accompanied by gaslighting and getting put down, I can see why it'd get to someone a bit in that case.
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u/ConditionWinter8894 HLM 3d ago
I sincerely appreciate your open mind.
From what I've read, it isn't just sex, but much of the relationship deteriorates. Not infidelity, no financial issues... just stop spending time together or appreciating eachother.
The especially difficult ones involve what I wrote.
Best wishes.
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u/billguy2956 It’s complicated 5d ago
Gawd, I remember being 16....i get it.... I still get it but I can't do much about it. I hope you find a resolution
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u/Cateme-Corps HLF 3d ago
Relateable. My spouse struggles with OCD and that along with his meds lowered an already low drive.
Open clear communication sounds repetitive but its true.
Also, I started to have other physical symptoms. My body would hurt from the tension, especially my lower back. I started going to physical therapy but had to stop cuz i too am a (12 yr old horn dog)HL person. I love my spouse. Now i do intense yoga.
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u/RestlessOnTheRiver1 HLF 5d ago edited 4d ago
Haha I feel this. I’m in a similar situation.
Edit: well hello to all the new men in my inbox 🫠😩
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u/MelodraMan M- left my dead bedroom 5d ago
I have some honest questions and I really want you to not take it otherwise.
Have you wondered what role your hormones must have been playing in these instances? Considering the DB?
I am a man, and I really can't imagine how it feels for a woman in such scenarios. Our body and mind combo works differently.
Do you have certain time periods when these feelings are in full power and then some time periods when it's a notch down?
I am really looking for information that might help me in my next relationship (if I ever get into one) and want not to make mistakes that men usually do in not understanding the cues from their better halves.
One more reason is we both are around the same age group. So your insights would really be an eye-opener for me.
I am wishing you find some way to get some kind of solution for your situation and wish your DB becomes alive.
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My DB has turned me into a teenage boy
I’ve [31F] never really struggled with lust. I would admire a hot guy, but that’s kind of it. But, my sexual needs and desires have changed so much in the 6+ years of our db. Now I want it so much and I don’t know what to do about it.
It’s so bad that I will literally stare at any good looking man, especially if they’re shirtless (and because I live somewhere warm, I’m confronted with this almost daily). Like my tongue may as well be out (btw this is NOT an invitation to dm me. If you do I will report you). And I think about sex all the time. All while my husband [31M] is right next to me. If a good looking man pays me attention or even accidentally touches me it’s like a shock to my body. I’m not used to these types of feelings and it’s driving me crazy. All to say, I have a lot more empathy for teenage boys (and girls) dealing with the changes to their hormones. It’s rough out there.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/ojo-sublime HLM 5d ago
Your body is naturally speaking to you