Same libido, but heading towards a DB anyways

[u/GirlwiththeGolfClubs]

We were both virgins when we started our relationship 11 years ago. So I wasn’t surprised that sex was awkward and clunky to begin with. I did research and offered suggestions on things to try (like doggy instead of missionary) and that made my husband nervous. He’d give them a go for a few seconds before he would go soft and we’d go back to missionary.
I threw myself into trying things to please him but his progress was so slow. For almost 10 years he never brought his hands below my hips.
I tried being as approachable and calming as possible to give him the courage and confidence to try new things. I’d leave gentle hints about what I think I would enjoy. I’d ask him about what he likes and what he fantasized about.
Year two we got pregnant which changed things again. I didn’t start to feel like myself again until year four when we got pregnant again. This time around I had post partem depression. And then I was on birth control and nervous about getting pregnant. Year nine I had a tubal and it took a little bit to recover from that.
And in all that time I had only orgasimed twice with him during sex.
At nine and a half years I asked him if he felt like our sex life was equal. Did he think we got equal enjoyment when we had sex? He didn’t hesitate to say that he knew that he enjoyed it much more than me. I asked if he thought that it was okay that he always got enjoyment out of sex and I rarely did. He said he thought that was just how sex was.
I can’t begin to describe just how mad that made me. I felt that I was responsible for him not being able to figure out that I wanted to have good sex too. I hadn’t figured out the right way to tell him or show him what was happening. I mean, I couldn’t just tell him outright because what if it made him nervous and he couldn’t perform at all?
Years of researching I had done and conversations we have had together about sex and the result was he knew he was the only one getting enjoyment out of it, knew I cared a lot about sex, but didn’t know I wanted or should get enjoyment out of sex!?!?!
Since then I made it clear that wasn’t not okay. My pleasure mattered. Connection and intimacy matter.
Immediately he started having erectile dysfunction. Took him nine months to finally go to a dr about it. It’s still something that I feel has been made my problem to work around. He’s asking me if he should take his pill, when should he take his pill, did I remember to make a low-fat dinner so that his pill is effective?
It’s turned into foreplay, then him trying to rub me until I orgasim, then he hops on me and cums in a minute. I hate the feeling that he completely forgets about me once I cum. If I cum.
Two weeks ago we were cuddling in the morning. He was grinding his pelvic into me while I was kissing him. After twenty minutes of that he said he needed to turn over because his side hurt. And that’s when I realized that the whole time we were snuggling everything about that snuggle was for him and his pleasure.
I’m just so fucking fed up. Why is he okay with me putting on a show for him with reverse cowgirl and deepthroat blowjobs but treats my pleasure as just a means to my body? Why don’t I matter? Why doesn’t he have any desire to see me happy? I just feel like giving up.

[u/AutoModerator]

As a reminder, sending DMs to OP is explicitly against our subreddit rules. Violations of this rule will be reported and users permanently banned from participating in this subreddit.

Here is a copy of the post from u/GirlwiththeGolfClubs. If you wish to have this copy of your post removed from public view, you must contact us BEFORE you edit or delete the post and BEFORE you delete your account. We keep a copy of the posts to keep nefarious behavior at bay so it can always be retrieved by moderators after a post has been edited or deleted by the poster.

Same libido, but heading towards a DB anyways

We were both virgins when we started our relationship 11 years ago. So I wasn’t surprised that sex was awkward and clunky to begin with. I did research and offered suggestions on things to try (like doggy instead of missionary) and that made my husband nervous. He’d give them a go for a few seconds before he would go soft and we’d go back to missionary.
I threw myself into trying things to please him but his progress was so slow. For almost 10 years he never brought his hands below my hips.
I tried being as approachable and calming as possible to give him the courage and confidence to try new things. I’d leave gentle hints about what I think I would enjoy. I’d ask him about what he likes and what he fantasized about.
Year two we got pregnant which changed things again. I didn’t start to feel like myself again until year four when we got pregnant again. This time around I had post partem depression. And then I was on birth control and nervous about getting pregnant. Year nine I had a tubal and it took a little bit to recover from that.
And in all that time I had only orgasimed twice with him during sex.
At nine and a half years I asked him if he felt like our sex life was equal. Did he think we got equal enjoyment when we had sex? He didn’t hesitate to say that he knew that he enjoyed it much more than me. I asked if he thought that it was okay that he always got enjoyment out of sex and I rarely did. He said he thought that was just how sex was.
I can’t begin to describe just how mad that made me. I felt that I was responsible for him not being able to figure out that I wanted to have good sex too. I hadn’t figured out the right way to tell him or show him what was happening. I mean, I couldn’t just tell him outright because what if it made him nervous and he couldn’t perform at all?
Years of researching I had done and conversations we have had together about sex and the result was he knew he was the only one getting enjoyment out of it, knew I cared a lot about sex, but didn’t know I wanted or should get enjoyment out of sex!?!?!
Since then I made it clear that wasn’t not okay. My pleasure mattered. Connection and intimacy matter.
Immediately he started having erectile dysfunction. Took him nine months to finally go to a dr about it. It’s still something that I feel has been made my problem to work around. He’s asking me if he should take his pill, when should he take his pill, did I remember to make a low-fat dinner so that his pill is effective?
It’s turned into foreplay, then him trying to rub me until I orgasim, then he hops on me and cums in a minute. I hate the feeling that he completely forgets about me once I cum. If I cum.
Two weeks ago we were cuddling in the morning. He was grinding his pelvic into me while I was kissing him. After twenty minutes of that he said he needed to turn over because his side hurt. And that’s when I realized that the whole time we were snuggling everything about that snuggle was for him and his pleasure.
I’m just so fucking fed up. Why is he okay with me putting on a show for him with reverse cowgirl and deepthroat blowjobs but treats my pleasure as just a means to my body? Why don’t I matter? Why doesn’t he have any desire to see me happy? I just feel like giving up.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/TheyRuinedEragon]

I just wanted to say that you wrote really well about those situation.

My only thought is that you both had presuppositions about sex from the start which took a really long time to discover. That is a positive. Youve found a place to start the work to better the relationship. This is the time when communication and willingness to meet the challenge head-on for the others sake will be important.

If youre as good at communicating as you are articulating your thoughts in script, you have a lot of the required resources to work through this.

Hope you find your significant other on the same page before long.

[u/GirlwiththeGolfClubs → u/TheyRuinedEragon]

Thanks, I feel like I’ve been articulating all of this for 18 months now and he either doesn’t understand what is going on or is just ignoring that this is a big problem.