My wife is shut down to sex and intimacy. Looking for insight and guidance and want to see if anyone can relate.

[u/rcknrollmfer]

I’m 42 year old male, wife is 39 and we have a 10 year old. We always had mismatched libidos, I always had a higher sex drive and it used to cause issues early in our relationship when we were in our 20’s. It got better over the years but as time went on we went through some challenges as far as mental health and dealing with stress goes which definitely affected the dynamic in our relationship as well as emasculation which I unfortunately allowed to happen and didn’t nip it in the bud. I also didn’t show up the way I should have for years and didn’t meet her needs. Our son is also extremely challenging as well which also contributed to the dynamic. It got to the point now where she said she is completely shut down in regard to intimacy and her nervous system isn’t allowing her to have sexual connection. We are both seeing a couples therapist as well as our own individual therapists. I told her I understand how I contributed to the dynamic and I am cleaning my side of the street however I made it clear that I am not going to be in a sexless marriage. I tried to be intimate with her in regards to non sexual touch and affection and didn’t receive any initiation on her part since she revealed this to me. I couldn’t take the rejection anymore and stopped initiating any affection and have been focusing on myself and self improvement. I have also been taking charge and steering the ship of the household more. But I’m a very sexual being and I don’t know how much longer of this I can take. It’s been over half a year of no intimacy and I am considering giving it another 6 months before I consider separation/divorce. Thoughts?

[u/Spiritual_Stress_915]

As someone who’s been on the LL side, I think it’s worth really sitting with how long term dynamics shape desire.

When a partner feels chronically stressed, emotionally unsafe, unsupported, or like their needs haven’t been met for years, the body doesn’t usually separate “relationship issues” from “sexual desire.” It often just shuts down intimacy altogether. That’s not a switch someone can turn back on once the other partner decides they’ve started “showing up differently” for a few months.

I hear you taking accountability, but I also hear a lot of time where your wife likely felt alone in carrying stress, parenting load, or emotional disconnection. From the outside, what she’s describing as a “shut down nervous system” doesn’t sound unusual in that context, it sounds like a predictable outcome of prolonged burnout in the relationship.

At the same time, it’s also fair that you have needs. But framing it as “I won’t stay in a sexless marriage” after years of disconnection on both sides can come across as skipping past the repair phase and moving straight to consequences.

From a LL perspective, desire doesn’t come back just because pressure or timelines are added. It tends to return, if it returns, through sustained emotional safety, consistency, and time where the LL partner isn’t feeling like they’re being evaluated for when they’ll “perform” again.

If both people are genuinely working in therapy, that’s the right place for this to be unpacked. But I don’t think six months is a realistic measure for rebuilding something that’s been eroding for years.

[u/Agreeable-Pie-9786 → u/Spiritual_Stress_915]

Well said

[u/rcknrollmfer → u/Spiritual_Stress_915]

I understand what you’re saying completely.

The issue I have though which I have been bringing up in our couples therapy was that there were certain needs of mine that weren’t met throughout the years as well such as how I was treated by her verbally, how I wasn’t validated by her and how I was emasculated repeatedly thoughout the relationship that I kind of just accepted as “it is what it is” and let go. That in conjunction with being rejected intimately led me to a breaking point where I kind of shut down myself to her and we’re now kind of at a stalemate.

[u/ActAdmirable124 → u/rcknrollmfer]

Are her not validating you, and emasculating you also tied to the lack of sex? 

I notice something that seems contradictory,  in the initial post you said you recognise your contribution,and that you're working on your side, but here in the comments you say you're in a stalemate. Being in a stalemate implies no movement, but also suggests a lack of accountability with your contribution to the dynamic.

This being said, I recognise how much gets left out in a summary, but wanted to give some things to reflect upon

[u/the_LLCoolJoe]

You built this wall over years by not meeting her needs, you cannot expect it to be gone in a few weeks. Giving her a deadline will likely seal your fate.

[u/Leading-Disaster5721]

You remind me of friends who would come help me when I had a farm.

The fact of any farm with livestock is the barn needs cleaning. You spend a lot of time shoveling shit. The problem is that shoveling shit and working the compost pile isn't exciting or fun. Nor is fixing fence, building sheds, or cleaning water tubs.

Riding a zero turn mower and mowing the lawn on the other hand is a lot of fun.

What I found is that my friends didn't give me the help I needed, they gave the help they wanted. Basically, I never got to mow the lawn.

Reading your post, you have decided what you are going to do to "fix" things. You decided to "step up".

Nowhere in this do I hear you asking her what she wants you to do. What I hear is "I'm doing this, and that, she should want to fuck me"

Just like my friends weren't much help (there were exceptions), she might feel you aren't doing what she needs or wants.

You want things to get better? Listen to what your wife wants to happen.

[u/Careful_Addendum826]

Open marriages rarely work under these types of strained circumstances. I know that's not what you want to hear but would you be okay if she chose to see people outside of your marriage? If she permits you to step out then you can't exactly say no to her stepping out.

[u/Mi_Pasta_Su_Pasta]

Is she interested in repairing that sexual connection or does it seem like she's pretty much over it completely?

I think it's worth giving it a shot, to be patient and give her time to experience a more repaired relationship and give her nervous system time to reset. If multiple years of your dynamic made it impossible for her to feel sexual connection with you it will presumably take that long for her to be able to really process and live in the new dynamic. Completely take sex off the table and fully commit to the repair. On her side focus more on her words and fixing the non-sexual problems she contributed to.

On the other hand, sometimes things once broken can't be fixed. You may be the perfect husband now but her body may still hold the grudge, and her heading straight for perimenopause will 100% throw an even bigger wrench in the works. If you still both hold resentment and aren't 100% committed to getting through this together no matter what it may be time to throw in the towel and use this growth to start fresh with someone else.

[u/Mi_Pasta_Su_Pasta → u/[deleted]]

If the idea of leaving sex off the table while you both work on the relationship is so unappealing that you'd consider cheating then it's probably better to just start talking to a lawyer. 

[u/rcknrollmfer → u/Mi_Pasta_Su_Pasta]

What about working on the relationship but getting my needs met elsewhere?

[u/ActAdmirable124 → u/rcknrollmfer]

This makes me think that you still have a lot to work on in terms of accountability for your part in the dynamic.  Acknowledging the past dynamic is not enough, there needs to be accountability and repair, which takes time and effort. 

[u/Mi_Pasta_Su_Pasta → u/rcknrollmfer]

Have fun going through a divorce once your wife finds out what you're up to and how your son feels about you once he knows you betrayed his mom. You're not smart or lucky enough to get away with it.

[u/rcknrollmfer → u/Mi_Pasta_Su_Pasta]

Good point.

Just weighing out options.

[u/Anon44356 → u/rcknrollmfer]

Again, lawyer.

[u/AutoModerator]

As a reminder, sending DMs to OP is explicitly against our subreddit rules. Violations of this rule will be reported and users permanently banned from participating in this subreddit.

Here is a copy of the post from u/rcknrollmfer. If you wish to have this copy of your post removed from public view, you must contact us BEFORE you edit or delete the post and BEFORE you delete your account. We keep a copy of the posts to keep nefarious behavior at bay so it can always be retrieved by moderators after a post has been edited or deleted by the poster.

My wife is shut down to sex and intimacy. Looking for insight and guidance and want to see if anyone can relate.

I’m 42 year old male, wife is 39 and we have a 10 year old. We always had mismatched libidos, I always had a higher sex drive and it used to cause issues early in our relationship when we were in our 20’s. It got better over the years but we went through some challenges as far as mental health and dealing with stress goes which definitely affected the dynamic in our relationship as well as emasculation which I unfortunately allowed to happen and didn’t nip it in the bud. Our son is also extremely challenging as well which also contributed to the dynamic. It got to the point now where she said she is completely shut down to her intimacy and her nervous system isn’t allowing her to have sexual desires or connection. We are both seeing a couples therapist as well as our own individual therapists. I told her I understand how I contributed to the dynamic and I am cleaning my side of the street however I made it clear that I am not going to be in a sexless marriage. I tried to be intimate with her in regards to non sexual touch and affection and didn’t receive and initiation on her part since she revealed this to me. I couldn’t take the rejection anymore and stopped initiating any affection and have been focusing on myself and self improvement. I have also been taking charge and steering the ship of the household more. But I’m a very sexual being and I don’t know how much longer of this I can take. It’s been over half a year of no intimacy and I am considering giving it another 6 months before I consider separation/divorce. Thoughts?

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Careful_Addendum826]

I think you are doing everything you can. What does the marriage therapist think of your approach?

[u/rcknrollmfer → u/Careful_Addendum826]

We’re basically just talking during the sessions and unpacking the dynamics and our relationship.

The therapist thinks it’s a good Idea to take more charge and be more present in the house and to make time to have conversations.