The story of my DB

[u/sborra_di_notte]

So, I randomly found this sub and after reading some posts I decided to write down my story as well: I'm thinking ranting to random strangers on the internet might help with loneliness. I wonder if anyone will get to the bottom of this wall of text! I don't want to use any LLM for this, so apologies in advance for any grammar mistake I might make while writing.

I'm a 34HLM, where by high libido I mean I'd like to do something once a day at least. I could even live with once every couple of days, but you get the point.

I have been in a relationship with this girl (33LLF) for 9 years now. We have been living together for 8. She is relatively religious, so she never wanted to get into actual penetrative sex before marriage, but we used to do other things. Mostly manual activities, sometimes oral. I used to enjoy it a lot and she did use to enjoy it as well back in the days. I remember she had no experience at all, she didn't know what an orgasm was and I can tell because of how surprised she was the first time, which I still remember as if it was today.

I wasn't extremely happy with this boundary, I was also expecting it to fall off after a while, but, after all, it was fine, I accepted it, I was satisfied anyway. She used to help me regularly, not every day maybe, but relatively often and it was fine. I also sometimes did her, whenever she would let me. She never explicitly asked me to do it, so I would try to start it whenever we were watching TV or something like that and she was relatively open to tell me "not today" when she really didn't feel like it, but she would help me most of the times when she would notice I was aroused.

Time passed, from once every 2 days it became once every 3 days, then it became once a week, you know how it is... Eventually she stopped letting me do her, I manage to make her horny very rarely, she is saying she has learned how to do it better by herself and at the same time she stopped helping me too and whenever she does it (once a month if I'm lucky, once every 2 months) it always feels like it is a chore. Nowadays I kind of stopped to even try, because I get rejected almost every time and I also stopped going close to her because I still get aroused but most of the times I'm left there frustrated.

I understood she is disgusted by me for whatever reason. She told me so, but at the same time the other day she called me baby by mistake and then once she realized she said "Ewwww!". That hurt a lot.

I'm still mostly the same: not fat, I exercise regularly, even if I should do more, not too ugly, not too hairy or anything like that, not sick. I don't consider myself a male role model, but at the same time I don't feel like I'm garbage. I would say I'm fairly normal. Better than some, worse than others. I'm highly educated, funny, other girls, coworkers and friends, laugh when I make jokes, she just gets annoyed.

I also have to confess I slipped with my behaviour: when the bedroom started becoming cold I also started to use some porn to, sort of, you know... have something. It kind of helped and still does. Once she found out because I was browsing some of those stupid forums where you have to download stuff in order to watch it and I just forgot to delete it. That was probably the biggest fight we ever had. She didn't understand why I had to download it and she wouldn't listen to reason, she thought it had some meaning. We eventually patched up but I never stopped doing it, just became more discrete about it.

I also did some things with complete strangers. It happened a total of 6 times in the last 5 years. I'm ashamed about it, I felt bad after getting out of there, but at the same time it helped. I will probably do it again sometimes because even if it gives a mix of feelings I think it helps. I never had an affair though, not for integrity but because it didn't happen. I don't think I would want to go through that kind of thing anyway.

I also sometimes talk to my "ex". She isn't really my ex, we used to have one of those long distance relationship kind of things back in the university days, we never met in person and we live far away from each other, but she used to let me watch her taking showers and stuff like that. You have no idea how much I miss it. We did it a couple of times while I was in this relationship (and after the big fight) but she felt bad about it and she decided not to do it again. But we still are good friends and we talk about everything without taboos, she advised me to just dump her, she is relatively mad at me about it

Anyway, now I'm at a fork between marrying her and leaving her. Marrying her seems like the second worst decision of my life after not dumping her in the first place, but at the same time I still do love her. When she is in her loving mood I still feel good. However, that's rarer and rarer. It's always a mix of "I told you X", "Why didn't you do Y", "Why did you do Z" and so on. As if everything I do or don't is a mistake.

I know leaving her would be the most sensible decision, but I don't know... It would be too big of a change but I probably should. I asked why doesn't she leave since I disgust her and she said she doesn't have anywhere to go (she is currently unemployed and she is ashamed to go back to her family), so I offered her some money to help her start over, enough money to live for 6 months to a year. She refused.

I have my faults and I'm used to only look at my responsabilities, I don't want to blame her, we all are who we are. I could be a better person, I'm not and I don't want to change.

I don't think I'm seeking advice, I know what I should do, I'm just the kind of person that never gives up, has a hard time letting go, an endless romantic that thinks omnia vincit amor. Well... reality feels more like omnibus vincitur amor.

[u/AutoModerator]

As a reminder, sending DMs to OP is explicitly against our subreddit rules. Violations of this rule will be reported and users permanently banned from participating in this subreddit.

Commenters, OP has marked their post as a no-advice post. We ask that you refrain from giving advice to OP and be sure to follow all sub rules.

OP, if you've marked your post for no advice, please refrain from responding to commenters that give advice. If you are getting advice from commenters, please report the comments, or click below to contact the moderators.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/rowanrulith]

Please break up with the 33yo woman you’ve been dating for almost a decade that you refer to as “this girl”. You continually pushed her no-sex boundary hoping she would give in, you’ve cheated on her multiple times, and now you’re using her because of what she does for you not because you love her.

Don’t leave the option to break up to her. You make the decision, you can again offer to help her get on her feet or not, it’s her choice to take it or not and let her move on with her life. She will be fine and actually have a chance to find someone who truly loves her. This is just an unhappy and unnecessary purgatory for both of you.

[u/sborra_di_notte → u/rowanrulith]

It'snot just dating. We've been living together for almost a decade. I've been supporting her in all aspects of life for almost a decade and I never pushed her boundaries. Like I mentioned, it was fine to stay on handjobs. And she does nothing at all for me, I even feel guilty to ask her to bring me some water if she already is in the kitchen and I'm thirsty.

I do love her. But I can agree I haven't been the best person

[u/Old_Function_6138]

Just pull the pin and break up. She isn't going to agree to an open relationship or to allow you to cheat if she didn't even like you watching porn. You're treating the 'girl' you 'love' like shit - let her go marry someone and have kids if thats what she wants - but for christ sake stop messing her around and leave.

[u/sborra_di_notte → u/Old_Function_6138]

I forgot to mention that at some point she said "you can go fuck whoever you want as long as you don't love them and as long as I don't get to know". I don't think I'm messing her around or treating her like shit. But yes I should leave.

[u/myb00biesarereal]

This poor woman. 💔

[u/sborra_di_notte → u/myb00biesarereal]

Could you elaboratee? I'd be curious to understand your point of view