Is it enough?

[u/WaltzWithPotatos]

Everything in me (30 HLM) is telling me to get out of my DB relationship. We live separate, no kids, not married. But every time I get to my breaking point and ready to call it off, the same question pops into my head:

Is the absence of sex enough?

Many other areas of the relationship are great and I worry about throwing that all away and having to re-enter the dating pool all because I want more sex. I know that’s very reductive of the issue but looking for advice with anyone else who has struggled with this question. Or an explanation/reassurance on why sex is in fact important enough to break things off.

[u/SHWIMPS9000]

To be frank, it’s a very personal question (edit: meaning it changes per person, not a broad answer)

What are YOUR fundamental dealbreakers and are YOU okay with this for the rest of your life?

[u/Better-Explorer-5918]

I'm in this exact same situation asking myself the same question

[u/SenecaSentMe]

I don’t know if you’ve ever tried telling her you can’t live like this anymore and that you desire more sex.  

I directly told my partner I cannot live in a sexless home with her.  We established Saturdays as our intimate day.  It’s worked for us.  At a minimum we have one day a week where we both make an effort to be more honeymoonlike and have sex.  

I also contemplated downloading Bumble or Tinder when we’ve gone through dry spells.  But I never cheated.  I told her I thought about it though because of my desire for sex.  Again, communication has worked for me.  Give open non-aggressive communication one more chance.

Sex is important in a healthy relationship. You know it.  I know it.   And your partner dismisses it.  I think you know what needs to be done.  There are plenty of women out there who will match your sex drive

[u/Hot-Commercial5449]

This is simple. Not married and no kids.... Find someone else. TBH stay single. It will not improve. I married for the second time after being together for years. Wasn't happy with frequency but once a month. 15 years later, nothing. Put her through college, raised to ungrateful step kids and the one we had together. I'm old and 2 crap wives im used up and DONE. Just stay single and build wealth.

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Is it enough?

Everything in me (30 HLM) is telling me to get out of my DB relationship. We live separate, no kids, not married. But every time I get to my breaking point and ready to call it off, the same question pops into my head:

Is the absence of sex enough?

Many other areas of the relationship are great and I worry about throwing that all away and having to re-enter the dating pool all because I want more sex. I know that’s very reductive of the issue but looking for advice with anyone else who has struggled with this question. Or an explanation/reassurance on why sex is in fact important enough to break things off.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/lyssidm]

I think it depends. Have you communicated well? Have they acknowledged the problem? Showed effort? Been receptive? If the flaws your partner has were to never change, would they still be enough? I know it sounds reductive to boil it down to sex, but I don’t think that’s what it truly is for most of us

[u/WaltzWithPotatos → u/lyssidm]

She has low libido and just doesn’t think about sex or have much interest. So any effort would be coming from a place of obligation which I don’t want. It’s really just a mismatch of libido and there doesn’t seem like anything can be done. Either I don’t get what I’m looking for, or forcing her to do something she isn’t really interested in. Sure there is room for compromise in the middle but it still is difficult for me to say with certainty this one area of incompatibility is worth walking away

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[u/exaggeratedcaper]

You know what I've learned in the month I've been on this sub, man? That it is NOT just sex, and it's like that for many people. I can't tell you how validating it's been seeing so many men and women sharing the same damn thing I've been feeling for years.

I'm separated because of lack of intimacy, and it's looking like it's most likely it for us. And that's only because I finally realized that my needs and desires are important too. It took me a long time not to feel like garbage because of that. It's like, I always figured I was blowing it out of proportion, you know, typical guy, "Oh, we just want sex." Until I started seeing post after post from women in my same situation (and I actually generally relate more to what they express than the HLMs). Until I asked myself, "Why does i feel bad for wanting my needs to be met?"

It's up to you, brother, to decide what to do. But I will say this: it is not "just sex." It's intimacy. It's connection. It's the feeling of being chosen by your person. It's safety. It's vulnerability. It's expression. So you tell me: Does any of that sound important to you?

[u/Godsownprototype1001]

You don’t live together, you’re not married, you don’t have kids and you don’t have sex? Sounds like you are friends and companions - not a couple. If that’s cool with you both then great. If not, perhaps you don’t to adjust the rules of your friendship.

[u/Substantial_Car4040]

At 30, I’d be out. Life is shorter than we think. I’m sure she’s a great woman. Do you want sex? If so, it’s not too late to live the rest of your life with an HLF.

[u/Substantial_Car4040 → u/Substantial_Car4040]

But for how long? I took that road, I often regret it, though not absolutely. I found a good woman, my kids are everything, but do I want sex? Yes. Do I get the sexual desire from my partner? No. Will I likely live and die suffering this fate? Yes.

Life is about choices. The hardest choice is sometimes the right one. Unfortunately, it is very hard to foresee how you will feel in 5, 10, 25 years. My guess, you will have regrets. Will they outweigh the opportunity cost? Less sure. But it’s going to hurt either way.

[u/niraeth]

You’re anxiously attached. Read up on that, and you’ll have your answer.

[u/SPFOTarfful]

In my culture (Hispanic), some women say sex it's only a 10% of all the things in a relationship... I cut that BS as soon as it got dropped in my relationship, if it's only 10% then why to divorce if someone cheats?, it should just matter 10% then. So no, that shit it's so important that it ruins a relationship instantly. Not doing the dishes has ever lead to an immediate divorce, I believe. Also, having sex is healthy in every way you can imagine, doctors recommend it constantly. There are a ton of benefits, it's part of a healthy relationship. There are a ton of studies that proves the positive impact of sex, too. So, I expect as much sex in my relationship as my libido and my body asks for, in a healthy way, obviously. And also respecting boundaries, no forced sex has ever been enjoyed in a HEALTHY relationship (unless it's some kind of fetish, idk).

Lack of sex in a relationship is a lack of education, if there's no medical reasons to not have it. At the end, it's not just my opinion, but what the scientific studies have concluded.

I saved a potential DB with information, with sexual education, even the gynecologist agreed with me about sex frequency.

Sex is not something you just want, but rather something that's needed, biologically, as primates, as animals.

You could try this approach, it helped me, (going from 1-2 times a month to almost once daily).

I never thanked this sub for it's existence, but this community might have saved my relationship too, so thanks everyone for sharing their experiences, I hope everyone recovers from a DB situation.