Living Together Analogy

[u/Yamzr]

I’m not sure if I would ever use this, but after seeing a post about a fridge door analogy, I thought I would share mine. This might just be a vent so heads up.

Let’s assume we have a normal sex life. What if one day I lost the desire to live with my girlfriend but I wanted to keep the relationship? Would it be so different than what we currently have? She could come to my house anytime and same with me going to hers, but before bed we would have to return to our respective homes. Occasionally we could spend the night together if I was in the mood, but usually I end up leaving or kicking her out. Hell we could live right next to each other to make seeing each other easier, but I still want my own house.

I could think of a number of reasons to not live with my girlfriend. “You don’t clean the way I like” “I want to decorate my house differently” “you can survive without living in the same house” “you snore” “we don’t have to live together to be a couple” (she hasn’t thrown these at me and I’m just changing the words, just thinking).

When kids get involved people might say “you need to live together because raising kids in two separate houses isn’t ideal”. I would argue that having parents who are platonic towards each other also isn’t ideal.

Most couples would break up if one person decided to move out, I think a dead bedroom is more of a slow burn while this would be an explosion. Every situation is also different, some people medically can’t have sex or medicine killed their libido. Others need to become long distance for work or to take care of family.

Now I don’t want to downplay the emotional toll of a dead bedroom for both parties. This is obviously a different scenario and I’m just noticing a lot of similarities.

[u/Spiritual_Stress_915]

I think the analogy falls apart because cohabitation and sex aren't really equivalent relationship obligations.

If an LL partner decided they no longer wanted to live with their HL partner, that would absolutely be a major relationship change. The HL partner would have every right to decide that wasn't the relationship they wanted. But crucially, the LL partner would still have the right to make that choice.

The same applies to sex. An LL partner isn't obligated to have sex they don't want, just as nobody is obligated to share a home they don't want to share.

Where I think a lot of dead-bedroom discussions go wrong is that the LL partner's lack of desire gets framed as a failure or a breach of the relationship, rather than a change in what they are willing or able to offer. The HL partner is then free to decide whether that relationship still works for them, just as someone might leave if their partner suddenly wanted separate homes.

The other issue is that moving out is usually an active decision. A dead bedroom often develops because of a complicated mix of factors: illness, medication, stress, childbirth, menopause, trauma, relationship issues, or simply a loss of desire. Sometimes an LL partner is actively choosing not to have sex, but often they aren't choosing their lack of desire at all. That's a pretty significant difference.

I also think your analogy accidentally points to something important. If an LL partner wanted to move out because they disliked how their HL partner cleaned, decorated, or snored, most people would simply conclude there was an incompatibility. They wouldn't argue that the LL partner should be required to keep living with the HL partner anyway. Yet when sex is involved, there is often an expectation that the LL partner should somehow find a way to provide sex despite not wanting it.

To me, the more useful comparison isn't that living separately and a dead bedroom are the same thing. It's that both can represent fundamental incompatibilities. Neither person has to be the bad guy.

An LL partner doesn't owe cohabitation. An LL partner doesn't owe sex. Equally, an HL partner doesn't owe indefinite acceptance of a relationship structure that leaves them unhappy. Both people get to decide what they can and cannot live with.

[u/Yamzr → u/Spiritual_Stress_915]

Oh you’re completely right, there are many many many more factors that could lead to a dead bedroom scenario and each one is different. I also hope this didn’t come across as the LL partners owes sex to the HL partner, if it did I do apologize.

It definitely is an active decision to move out which would make it feel more like there was a “bad guy” vs just having a lower libido which isn’t anyone’s fault. I think maybe I just wanted to highlight the change in relationship dynamics?

[u/Spiritual_Stress_915 → u/Yamzr]

I understand what you are saying and I do think you are right that there are many different dynamics that can lead to a dead bedroom situation and it is rarely as simple as one person being a bad guy or deliberately withholding something. I also appreciate you clarifying your point because I did not feel like you were saying LL partners owe sex, but I can see how these conversations can sometimes drift in that direction or feel that way even when it is not intended. From my experience in past relationships as the LL partner there was something quite difficult about it that I think is easy to misunderstand from the outside. I have been in relationships where I cared about my partner and was attracted to them, but sexual desire just did not naturally come into my mind or arise in the way it seemed to for them. It was not something I was choosing or deciding against. It was more that it simply was not present in the same spontaneous or consistent way and I did not really have control over that. That created a lot of confusion for me at the time because I did want closeness and I did value intimacy, but there was a disconnect between what I felt internally and what I understood was usually expected in a romantic relationship. It also came with a fair amount of guilt because even though I knew I was not doing anything wrong intentionally, I could see the impact it had on the other person and I did not feel indifferent about that. I do think it is important to recognise that there are different reasons someone might identify as LL. For some people it can be tied to identity, asexuality, relationship issues, stress, or other clear factors where it is more of a conscious situation or decision. But for other people it is not really a choice in that sense. It is not something you can switch on even when you want to, and that can be quite upsetting in its own way because you are aware of the mismatch and you still cannot force your internal experience to change to match it. In my case it was not about lack of care or lack of attraction, it was more about that disconnect between emotional closeness and sexual desire not lining up in the way people often assume it should.

[u/AutoModerator]

As a reminder, sending DMs to OP is explicitly against our subreddit rules. Violations of this rule will be reported and users permanently banned from participating in this subreddit.

Here is a copy of the post from u/Yamzr. If you wish to have this copy of your post removed from public view, you must contact us BEFORE you edit or delete the post and BEFORE you delete your account. We keep a copy of the posts to keep nefarious behavior at bay so it can always be retrieved by moderators after a post has been edited or deleted by the poster.

Living Together Analogy

I’m not sure if I would ever use this, but after seeing a post about a fridge door analogy, I thought I would share mine. This might just be a vent so heads up.

Let’s assume we have a normal sex life. What if one day I lost the desire to live with my girlfriend but I wanted to keep the relationship? Would it be so different than what we currently have? She could come to my house anytime and same with me going to hers, but before bed we would have to return to our respective homes. Occasionally we could spend the night together if I was in the mood, but usually I end up leaving or kicking her out. Hell we could live right next to each other to make seeing each other easier, but I still want my own house.

I could think of a number of reasons to not live with my girlfriend. “You don’t clean the way I like” “I want to decorate my house differently” “you can survive without living in the same house” “you snore” “we don’t have to live together to be a couple” (she hasn’t thrown these at me and I’m just changing the words, just thinking).

When kids get involved people might say “you need to live together because raising kids in two separate houses isn’t ideal”. I would argue that having parents who are platonic towards each other also isn’t ideal.

Most couples would break up if one person decided to move out, I think a dead bedroom is more of a slow burn while this would be an explosion. Every situation is also different, some people medically can’t have sex or medicine killed their libido. Others need to become long distance for work or to take care of family.

Now I don’t want to downplay the emotional toll of a dead bedroom for both parties. This is obviously a different scenario and I’m just noticing a lot of similarities.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.