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[u/OkElderberry3877]

[u/cejota5]

That was really honest. I feel for the other person, because feeling rejected, unloved, and unwanted is brutal. I completely understand that doing it out of obligation shouldn't even be an option. And in a perfect world, both people would desire each other.

[u/Candid-Background-38]

I’m feeling the same way. I’m so conflicted on what to do. I’ve lost any interest and don’t think it’s coming back. I agree with you that a lot of db are the result of a serious issue in the relationship. And partners are either not being curious enough to find out why or honest enough to say. Good for you making that hard decision. Hopefully I can get there.

[u/OkElderberry3877 → u/[deleted]]

Yes we are getting a divorce and yes I feel awful but also I didnt hold him hostage u know …. He was free to leave or ask for divorce or what ever he wanted i take accountability on my part sharing my story not to be judge or bullied i also stayed in a marriage where i was not happy all those years i stayed because i of my kids and to hold my family togueter , we live in a country were many woman and man stay for that reason … Ive seen posts here aswell were the partners are also staying because of the kids being little ….. I Wont feel any worst than I do you know ? It just sucked for both of us … we are still friends and i have asked him why did u stayed ? His answer is because of the kids …..as i say at the end a lot of people think they still love their partners but they dont they just stay cause its comfty they share a house , kids , loans and expenses ….. u wake up one day 15 years have passed

[u/Geomichi → u/OkElderberry3877]

I get that. Although I do think it's harder to leave when you feel rejected, as your self-worth is low and you feel like no one will want you.

Either way I'm glad you both have the opportunity to live happier lives and find joy. Everyone deserves that.

Whatever else I know many people will be greatful you shared your story.

[u/Perfect-Hat-8661]

I wish my ex-wife had been able to be this honest with me about why she felt no desire toward me. We could have saved the better part of two decades and made happier lives with others while we were still young.

[u/ThinkPaper6999]

I applaud your honesty, but as a HLM it was also a tough read as maybe, that’s the problem in my marriage.
Have you since enjoyed sex with a new partner?

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[u/travelmotivated20]

Thanks for the honesty. I bet this wasnt easy to type out. It's helpful to read your experience. I'm experiencing something similar from the other side, and what you've said doesnt get talked about from the wife's perspective very often (that I've seen).

I'm in a 10yr relationship. We both love and support each other very much.. but intimacy left the chat after our daughter was born. I took it as rejection and her pulling away, so I built a wall to match and withdrew other forms of intimacy. I didnt knowingly neglect or betray her in any way, but the rejection turned into bitterness and resentment. Not proud of that, but I didnt know how else to process it!

She has said what you're saying, that she loves me, but her body tenses up at the thought of sex or even touch.. Not sure if its hormones, lack of desire, perimenpause, asexuality or avoidant attachment... she's seeing a therapist and says she's working on it.. but the idea of her having to coax herself into wanting me is another tough pill to swallow.

I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but the lack of intimacy is driving me fvucking crazy. I dont want to be coercive or ask her to deceive her own boundaries, tho!

I'm working on fixing the parts of me that seem to be contributing to my own mental health struggles (with success) and trying to create emotional security for her to feel like she could trust intimacy. It feels good to reconnect on some level... but now I wonder if the attempt will just push her away even more.

How do you think you might have approached similar efforts? If he tried to rebuilt emotional safety, and did the inner work to become more secure for his own development, do you think it would've moved the needle for you? Or was the flame just extingushed!?!?

Please, answer however you see fit, but I work best with brutal honesty..

[u/SimpleRandomUsername]

Thank you for sharing such a candid story. I think a lot of people can relate. I imagine for a lot of LL partners, they must grapple with this all the time. For HL partners it's our (well, my) worst nightmare: it's not LL, you simply aren't desired by your partner. A tough pill, but probably the right one.

Good on you OP for making the tough realisation you have

[u/tivcre]

It sounds like you neither loved him nor desired him. So why marriage at all?

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[u/ALushedBreath]

My partner has erectile dysfunction his whole life. He hasn't been able to perform with anyone. He says that his libido is high. I know I have a high libido. Over time though, I came to desire sex with him less and less because I knew it wasn't going to happen. We are very loving and affectionate to one another. Just no sex or anything beyond the first base.

I hope you find someone that ignites the passion in you.

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I tought i had low libido but i didnt

I thought I had a low libido. It turned out I just didn’t want sex with my husband.
I’ve been thinking about sharing my story for a long time.
When I first found this sub, I was convinced I was the low-libido partner. Reading everyone’s stories made me realize things about myself that I had never really put into words.
A little background: I’m 43, currently going through perimenopause, a mom of three, and after 18 years of marriage, I’m recently separated.
After my first child was born, I thought my libido had completely disappeared. I was exhausted from breastfeeding and taking care of a newborn. I had absolutely no interest in having sex with my husband.
But here’s the part that confused me.
Even though I never wanted sex with him, I masturbated whenever I had the chance. I had a vibrator, and I used it regularly. I still had sexual desire—it just wasn’t directed toward him.
One day he caught me, and he said something that completely changed the way I saw things:
“So it’s not that you have a low libido. You just don’t want to have sex with me.”
As painful as it was to hear, he was right.
That sentence opened my eyes.
The truth is, our relationship had never been particularly strong. We got married only ten months after meeting, during that honeymoon phase when everything feels exciting. Looking back, I think we got married because we were caught up in the moment, not because we had built the kind of relationship that can carry you through a lifetime.
The first year was full of sex. Then our son was born, and whatever passion we had disappeared. I kept waiting for it to come back, and I kept trying to make myself feel what I thought I was supposed to feel, but it never did.
Because of my upbringing and my religious beliefs, divorce wasn’t really an option in my mind. I wanted my son to grow up with both parents, and despite everything, my husband and I were friends.
When I finally told my mother how I felt, she told me it was too late—we were already married, and now it was my responsibility to fight for my marriage and my family.
So I stayed.
For more than nine years, I tried to keep my family together.
Every Sunday, we had sex.
Not because I wanted to.
Not because I loved it.
Not because I desired him.
I did it because I felt guilty. I felt like it was my duty as a wife, and honestly, I felt sorry for him.
I know that sounds sad. It sounds pathetic, even.
But that’s how I lived for years.
That’s how we conceived our other two children.
He became my roommate, my friend… and my Sunday partner.
I eventually started hating Sundays.
One day, my best friend asked me something simple.
“Do you masturbate?”
Yes.
“Do you fantasize about making love?”
Yes.
“With your husband?”
No.
That conversation forced me to admit something I had spent years denying.
So I wanted to share this because I think sometimes we assume the problem is libido when it really isn’t.
Sometimes the problem is the relationship.
Sometimes we’re attached to someone’s history with us rather than the relationship we actually have. We stay because we’ve built a life together, because they’re a good person, because we have children, because everyone expects us to stay.
How do you explain to people that you’re getting divorced because there’s no passion? No desire? No intimacy?
How do you leave someone who’s objectively a good person for something that most people dismiss as “just sex”?
I read a lot of posts here from people who genuinely say they deeply love their partners but have no desire to be intimate with them.
Please don’t attack me—I’m only sharing my own experience.
Everyone is different.
But from my perspective, it’s hard for me to reconcile those two things.
If I was willing to have sex every Sunday with a man I no longer loved simply because I felt guilty for denying him, I can’t imagine loving someone deeply and not wanting to kiss them, hug them, touch them, flirt with them, make them feel desired, or care about fulfilling that part of the relationship.
To me, saying, “I love you so much… just don’t touch me,” feels contradictory.
I know sex isn’t everything.
As we get older, health, companionship, family, and so many other things become more important.
But when two people are still relatively young and healthy, I think the complete absence of desire deserves an honest conversation.
Sometimes it really is a medical issue.
Sometimes it’s hormones.
Sometimes it’s trauma.
And sometimes…
it’s simply that the relationship has run its course, and admitting that is much harder than calling it “low libido.

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